Cancún Special w/ Tom Segura & Jim Jefferies | Ep 93 | Bad Friends

you two are bad friends who are these. two idiots. why dude i'm an asian dude. you two are disgusting. well you two or something we're bad. friends. hola. bnbn ktal amigos. welcome to our first. live bad friends. experience. well. we got andreas give him a round of. applause.

get up on stage. [Music]. hey guys. wow. thank you thank you. [Applause]. i'm not gonna lie my. legs are shaking um.

thank you all for coming to mexico to. see us this is our first show live ever. and we're very excited. i didn't realize you guys were here to. see me but thank you. so without further ado let's introduce. the stars of bad friends. bobby lee and andrew santino. you two are bad friends who are these.

two your kids. you guys are weird andrew looking good. have you seen a korean guy around here. [Music]. [Applause]. we're bad friends. [Applause].

[Music]. [Applause]. farmers. [Applause]. that's my opener viva la mexico.

hey let's see who can do it longer goal. let me let me go first though all right. all right go ahead is it gold g-o-a-l. i said viva la mexico oh. but hey you know ladies and gentlemen. welcome to bad friends live. we're here in mexico we've never done. this uh and uh.

we're so happy to be in cancun oh we're. so happy to be here well we're an hour. south of we're so happy to be an hour. south of cancun. yeah. [Laughter]. i feel really loose this week guys uh. yeah i might hook up with a stranger no. no. maybe a maybe a black guy a black guy. yeah are there any single black men here. that want to have sex with bobby lee. [Music]. right. one black guy right there. sir can you stand up can you stand up in.

ways. he's married he's married. [Applause]. hold on excuse me sir stand back up. what is your name sir. all right lock eyes with me tommy. i know i heard the first time. feels good tommy. thank you. i don't think tommy's interested at all.

in having sex with you. uh thank you so much for coming we have. uh a special guest that we don't want to. waste any more time without because he's. [ __ ] incredible he's incredible. he's from england. he's not from england he's from. australia. he's got a fancy accent he does have a. fancy accent yeah do you want to. introduce our guest oh yeah he's from. england no he's from australia and. he uh he i don't know much about him. here's what i do know about him yeah.

he's been really nice to me that's nice. that's nice and number two um he knows. brad pitt i don't know if he knows brad. [Music]. that's it he's one of the greatest uh. stand-up comics right now alive on this. planet he's [ __ ] incredible you know. him from his specials ladies and. gentlemen. [Applause]. [Music]. [Applause].

jim jeffries baby. that's very exciting. i like i like how you guys came straight. out and we're pretty racist yeah yeah. yeah yeah. would you come out and do the jamaican. accent and just. i can't can you translate for us a.

little bit yeah he said he's very. excited and thank you thank you very. much. we brought along a spanish guy to. translate an australian guy for some of. those people in here that don't. understand um jim thank you so much for. being here this is amazing. so good to see you. uh. you're mike i can't i can't hear you. bobby. turn his mic on. [Laughter]. well so it's me and jim that's it. no come on. he's got it they got that mic working.

hello. i have a question for you jim did they. um force you to do this or did you say. yes politely i i was forced there's an. itinerary yeah. i gotta do this and i've got to do me. show then i've got to do the comedy jam. they've filled my day but yeah i was. forced to do it i would i would have. done it if you asked me anyway but you. were forced to have me so it's a. reciprocal thing. true that is true. there's nothing to make you feel better. than uh just for laughs charging these.

people fifty thousand dollars a ticket. and the mics don't work guys give it up. for just for laps. way to go. [Laughter]. we're excited to be here you just got. here now i i came in on the same plane. as bobby bobby you just come from where. did you come from yeah and was that your. son. where did you come from here where did. you come where did you come from. like korea what are you talking about. he was trying to say go back to your. country in a very nice way in the last. two days where did you come from i was.

in hawaii. yeah and and then i went to lax and i. ran into you okay so i run into bobby. at lax and he'd already come from hawaii. and he'd been at the airport for eight. [ __ ] hours and he was just wandering. around doing nothing he was in business. class with me yet he didn't use the. lounge because he didn't figure out he. could [ __ ] go in there. i i didn't look okay calm down. okay. okay okay but i didn't know that if you.

have a first class ticket that you're. allowed to be in the lounge how long. have you been a comedian for you've. traveled the world you've already got. this in five years or so give or take. i've never been in the lounge i don't. know how to get there but next time. next time you can break show me okay. raise your hand if you have heard of the. fact that if you ever had a first class. ticket you could be in a lounge raise. your hand interesting. the votes are in. the eyes have it and how do you get.

there how do you find it there's no. signs. and he said to me once you get in there. who do you talk to no one you just scan. your ticket. you're in. you learn that's fine that's all right. sweating sweating. by the way we are going to be auctioning. off this shirt for charity after the. show. no you're not yes we are. anybody wants a ripped up bowie sweaty. shirt we're gonna be auctioning off you. know what dude i'll get i'll give it. away for free what do you think of that.

we're gonna. take it off take it off and give it away. [Applause]. she could beat the [ __ ] out of any guy. or girl at this event. i think she went fight him fight him for. it beat his ass. choke him out choke him out real fast. put him in a chokehold.

[Applause]. thank you so much she came right up. confidence. confidence. let's give it a verse she just got. herself a free shirt. bold. i thought she was gonna beat the [ __ ]. out of you yeah man i was like she's. gonna [ __ ] bench you and [ __ ] you up. you didn't want to lose that that's a. great t-shirt an old bowie t-shirt. that's probably i'm gonna get it back. yeah he's gonna get it back. where the [ __ ] are you over there. after the show can i have it back well. we'll give you another shirt of his.

they're very polite. don't give it back to him yeah dude oh. i don't want this piece of [ __ ]. all right okay all right. good trade. good trade your merch. yeah we want to put on bob sure we don't. want to steal chrysler's thunder so. let's get your shirt back on.

[Applause]. say it's on backwards is what they were. saying it's on backwards. yeah. but they're good. [Applause]. oh now it makes sense.

you know you know my favorite part about. this is there's people up at the bar. that did not intend to attend this. they're just trying to get a drink like. what the [ __ ] is this [ __ ] yeah hey hey. guys. all right let's talk about some topics. yeah let's chat about some stuff all. right what do you guys want to talk. about no. no rudy well rudy. rudy couldn't come. rudy should we tell them. rudy got deported. used she's deported she got deported.

rudy got caught on tax evasion. so she got deported. sorry. go ahead bob. [Music]. of this whole thing. you want me to do impressions right now. [ __ ] i got jim jeffries here no no i. want to. i want to hear about mad tv that's what. he wants to hear about i don't even. remember how the [ __ ].

let's talk let's let's talk about bobby. right now bobby's about to make a run on. a popular tv show called sex in the city. and he's. [Laughter]. got rid of that blonde girl and they. replaced them with. what do you play on sex in the city mr. small. no. chinese guy number three chinese guy. number three. chinese guy number three chinese going. number three yeah there's two other. chinese guys they have a bigger role.

but i'm getting my [ __ ] line you're. getting your lines yeah yeah you're. getting your lines in yeah thank you. thank you so much lady i appreciate it. wait so let me let me say this story. real fast this is my favorite we got. here late last night we went out to. dinner fancy bee got drunk as [ __ ] last. night. and also. for many of you you're all fans you know. fancy b is of course spanish and people. down here don't elect him so much. and fancy b speaks with his spanish you.

know uppity [ __ ] accent. and let me tell you something these. servers do not like fancy b. they don't do they fans they think i'm a. little fancy a little fancy. i just sound like a british british guy. who's happy he sounds like how the brit. you know there's british people that are. like oh yeah all right. up but then there's british people like. oh the car the cop he sounds like that. version to them. they did not every time he got drunk and. he'd call over a survey be like.

and they didn't like it. they did not like it the guy kept. shaking his [ __ ] head. and fancy and i said should we leave a. tip and fancy goes you don't tip these. people that's what he said. that's what fancy said. he did say that that's what fancy said i. think i said it's totally closer. all-inclusive that's what he said. so was that your kid that i met at the. airport is that my kid at the air yeah. who was the kid that's a kid i found at. the airport that's uh.

no of course it's my kid my kids. birthdays this week so i brought him out. to the trip yeah. um. it turns out that the resort's adults. only so i have to stay in a little bit. just off to the side so i don't. stay with you [ __ ] ah but uh. but yeah it's my i'm out here i mean i i. just got married and covered and i have. a two-month-old baby at home. and i left my wife and baby at home and. i brought my ex and my kid to the. resorts all right.

that's giving up for that. i might i might i mustn't be a bad guy. if i can be able to pull that off right. normally mind you i do pay for everyone. normalize bringing your ex on vacation i. think that should be the future. [ __ ] your current get your ex out here. baby. did you wait and and and the tour. included your ex and your son coming. with you right. on two or do they come with me yeah they. come on school holidays i bring my ex. and my son and then otherwise i don't. bring the baby anywhere the baby sits at.

home bring a baby. my wife's my okay i've had two children. with two different women right yeah and. you know how people go oh the first. one's made of glass the second one's. made of plastic that's if you had it. with the same woman right right. these were both [ __ ] glass babies. right so i. i've been through having a kid going oh. you better watch it don't let it fall. over like that and then i was like oh. [ __ ] them they're okay and now my new. wife's worse than the last one so i'm. back where i started yeah.

but i look at it this way like if you. have two children with two different. women it's like as it's like a science. thing like it's an experiment. like if if one kid turns out great it's. because the mother did a good job and if. the other kid turns out [ __ ] it's. because the mother did a [ __ ] job. because i'm parenting them exactly the. same way. but. if they both turn out great i'll take. full credit yeah as you should. as you should.

this is my baby this is the baby that i. get to take care of. my big sweaty baby did you run for some. reason i never picture either of you. guys having kids i don't think we don't. deserve them we don't deserve them what. do you mean i deserve children you think. do you think you should have kids you. know i think i'd be a very good father. yeah yeah i think i would. i think i have. i have ethics and a morality that's. different than other people yeah yeah. yeah like ask me a question i'll give. you the right answer all right if a kid.

says dad today at school a man came up. to me that i didn't know yeah and he. asked if i could if he could give me a. ride home what should i say to that man. obviously [ __ ] yeah yeah take a ride. right because my children know taekwondo. oh. right they're like brown belts and stuff. right so they can handle themselves give. me another. situation. give me another situation your wife says. i'm tired i can you breastfeed what do.

you say. yes yes yes i can. what do you do does milk come out of our. glands or yours yes oh that's right. yours yes yeah i've had i've had my kid. latch on. lately oh yeah yeah i've just been. laying down. and i [ __ ] had me baby and i put him. up against me chest like you're right. and he's just sucking on me tit and i'm. like. and the look of horror when he comes. back up with a hair in his mouth just. [Laughter].

jim are you are you gonna is this it for. you no more kids though this is no more. kids uh my wife uh wants another one but. i said i i can't do it again i'm too old. and so i'm getting a vasectomy and she's. fighting on it but [ __ ] my body my. choice man that's right. women don't get to dictate what we do. with our bodies anymore. the buck stops here. i'll tell you a funny story because i i. i was talking to my dad and my dad went. uh. my dad was talking about his love life.

my mother passed away and my dad's. getting out there a bit you know. and i said uh dad i'm going to get a. vasectomy and he goes don't get a. vasectomy he goes. some most women not all women but most. women they like to see the [ __ ]. and i said i said dad after you have a. vasectomy you still come it just doesn't. work anymore and he went oh we'll get. one then it was the fastest. it was the fastest i've ever seen. someone change an opinion just like.

lightning. why are you dumbfounded no because i. can't even understand what he's saying. he's so far away. it's hard to hear each other because. he's speaking i can't hear anything he's. saying so i'm doing this thing where i'm. like that's funny can you guys hear what. we're saying very clearly. i guess that works. i'm just. i'm just watching your lips move man. yeah. well they need there's no audio kick. back we'll get it it's easier with you. harder with him because you know because. he's chinese no i want to [ __ ] it.

can i go back to the the black eye. are you asking me to go back to the. black i just want to apologize because i. feel like i was aggressive in the. beginning of the show yeah and i. apologize i feel like there's a bad. energy between us right now. are you good. i'm fine too let's move on i'll get good. what did you say ma'am i can't hear her. oh do you can you hug and make up they. want a hug i guess you know. [Applause].

hug him. bobby give him a hug. bobby oh no no no no. [Applause]. i. i like that he kept the mask on for. safety. [Laughter]. like if you hug bobby lee covert is the. least of your [ __ ] problems yeah. [Applause]. jesus christ i can't wait to get this.

letter on monday. you get sued by mexico as a country you. can't bring him down here anymore he's. so dangerous these are too dangerous. is that a that's a tom and jerry shirt. i like that. it's so funny when black dudes can wear. disney stuff and no one says anything or. like cartoons but if white grown-ups. wear disney stuff everyone's like. zebra. yeah but. yeah but we're always leads in their.

movies so that's a different thing. that's true that's true that is true. did you like the hug yeah it was pretty. good it was good yeah. i i shake it closer to jim so i can hear. him switch. i'll switch no. so everybody understand what was going. on with us up there i want to give you a. taste of what our ears were hearing so. you don't think we're crazy. [Music].

all right so that was what we were. experiencing um but now back to the show. literally this is my favorite thing in. the whole world you know i don't like. water me neither but when liquid iv is. in it come on powdery refresh this. nutritious powder it's delicious that. makes the water it enhances it it does.

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leave you know because it's i want. scrambled all right fine yeah the reason. why is because my bottle is so clean due. to the fact that i use a tushy whenever. i go to the pooh pool okay look i have a. tushy at the house we have a tushy here. at the studio you have a tushy at home. yeah we both installed it on our own and. you know we're not um we're not um. rocket scientists and it's super easy. it's incredible and if you've never. tried a bidet you're an idiot you don't. know what you're missing yeah you're. dumb and also you know if you care about. the earth. and the environment you will get a hello. tissue you will get one this show this.

show is big on tushy's and every time we. have a guest that come over we tell them. spray it in the butt spray it in your. pink eye and see if you like it i almost. i always i hope i open up the cheeks. sometimes when the skin i always open up. the cheeks oh yeah it's so good and you. use kind of your nuts as a backboard. legs that's what i love my looks are. shallow so it doesn't work but not long. enough anyway all right. the hello tissue today washes your bum. with fresh water uh and it's it's better. than uh toilet paper and it's simply. spray and pat dry yeah it attaches to. your existing toilet that's right it. cuts down your tpu by 80 saving money.

and paper waste join the millions of. happy hello tissue customers right now. who take care of their you logs the. dignified way give the gift of a clean. bum to yourself or loved ones this. holiday season get 10 off plus free. shipping right now at. hellotushy.combadfriends. tag us and at hellotushi on social media. so we can celebrate your clean bum. that's right that's hellotushy.com bad. friends for 10 off and free ship the. next guy coming to the stage is an old. friend of ours. yeah one of our one of our closest most. favorite performers comedians beyond.

like the most talented podcaster we know. oh shut the [ __ ] up. he's. he could be a handsome guy but he ate so. much frijole uh-oh. that he became rotund. but he's a very good comic and he's. going to be performing tonight where at. the [ __ ] arena at the [ __ ] arena. guys. no condom. no condom. all right i'll hurry stop but going home.

everybody. [Applause]. [Music]. hey so i i want to open up this podcast.

with an apology. is it because of our phone call. yes so. you called me on the phone a couple of. weeks ago yeah on your show live right. yep and i called you a fat ugly peruvian. guy you did. and it got a really big laugh from your. audience. but i also want to formally apologize. because i was rude well thanks man. that's very grown up of you thank you. you can say something bad about me right.

now in front of them. what the [ __ ] does that mean. that's korean oh i'll tell you this. i thought you smelled korean no i'm. white i have jeopardies do it again. that sounds spam that doesn't sound. [ __ ] that's right at all i speak. spanish so i have a spanish. pronunciation but it's [ __ ] korean. open your goddamn ears up does anybody. speak korean in here are there any. koreans in here. oh in the back what did that say.

doesn't know okay how about uh. are you looking it up [ __ ]. yeah i looked it up of course i looked. at it how about this i'll teach you. korean wait wait let me tell you one all. right. he just called me the n word. how dare you you [ __ ] [ __ ]. don't mind him stop pointing at the. black guy all right sorry. why are you i like doing that. i should stop i'll stop yes stop i.

apologize i'll stop point at any other. people white guy fine. with titties. i like your titties sir i accept your. half-assed apology. do you want to know what i said in. korean i don't know what would you say. it really didn't sound familiar at all. no no the first thing was i hope you die. thank you thank you what was the second. one you are fat you are fat yeah yeah. well i'll teach you one right now okay. teach everyone here's yes yeah take this.

people here too. [ __ ]. all right. i'll teach you another one okay. yokome. hey let me tell you something it's cute. as [ __ ].

no it's not yes it would and if it was a. pokemon character it'd be one of the. leads. like he'd be like third in line i don't. know how pokemon works i don't think. that's how it works i don't know why i'm. standing i'll sit back bob. what are your dimensions. have you gone over this already like a. like a dresser. he's like a dresser drawer no i meant. your penis no not your yeah have you. ever seen it. i'll show you now well i mean no i'll. i'll turn my back i'll turn my back yeah. turn your back and show i'm a christian.

like i said all right. don't make sure no one else sees. okay okay okay okay. how weird is that that was one of the. worst experiences of my life yeah. so many colors huh there are a lot of. colors yeah there's three colors i see. why you keep looking at the black eye. you got anything to spare. yeah this guy's oh [ __ ] you bro.

what are all the colors about well his. nuts are very very dark mine yes thank. you it's like you dipped them in mud is. what it looks like it's not healthy it's. very weird and his penis is one color at. the base and then it goes like white in. the middle and then it gets dark again. yeah. you have a really good memory of it. it's uh. it's there forever yeah yeah you're. gonna have it too they're actually they. look like boba. yeah and it's actually i got i'll be.

honest with you it's bigger than i. thought it was going to be no. [ __ ] yeah dude yeah friends for life it. was bigger than he thought. yeah but he thought it was a micro penis. so. bigger than this is that and that's fine. that's enough it's a little bit bigger. is your i bet your tongue game is. amazing right well you want to see. okay. this one you don't have to stand up for. i don't know why guys do this but i'm. going to do it oh boy okay is that is. that wrong uh go ahead. so i do this. i always say hello yeah you want me to.

hold them while you do it i'm gonna open. it right yeah hello hello. and then the little click gives me a. little wink. like that yeah and like. you can do it for that's it that's it no. see how long that was the time limit. let's see how long one ready. go. go. [Applause].

pretty good that was pretty good yeah. yeah. these are [ __ ] moist a little bit. okay good thank you. imagine people that just came to this. resort that are walking by. for a family vacation they see some. little fat careers. what are you saying what a nightmare. it's all inclusive. [Laughter]. do not pay more is this yours uh no. that's yours that's yours. uh tom thank you so much for doing this. we know you're playing a show tonight. this means a lot. to everybody. [Applause].

i love when you blush it's so cute. tom we miss you in la and you abandon us. for austin and we really are a little. upset about it i'll be back but you're. gonna get i'll be back for real sure. really i mean. i made a bet with some comics i said a. year. do you think i'll move back i think. you'll move back in about eight months. oh no definitely not why. because i know but we miss you i miss. you guys too dude you have you we you. have more [ __ ] friends in la than.

[ __ ] austin hey hey. he's here somewhere relax where's that. head of his i don't know it's so thick. do you still feel like that wave is. coming. what do you say the wave do you feel. like the wave is coming to austin you. mean no no like when i was leaving l.a. you're like you don't feel that wave. [Laughter]. yeah you said that yeah yeah there's a. wave coming bud is it yeah you're gonna.

miss out i think i've seen the comedy. store lineup so i think i'm pretty good. on the wave. because you guys [ __ ] moved out. when rogan and everyone and joey diaz. and everyone moved out of l.a right the. comedy scene got weaker it got a little. weak. so it's your fault it's your [ __ ]. face there's a new scene and it's. [ __ ] in outside of cancun so this is. the scene yeah this is the scene. so since you're living in austin. do you think because the comedy. community there is so tight-knit.

do you think do you think you could do. tony hinchliff's monologue for how he. brought up that asian guy and do it for. bobby do you think he could do the exact. same thing let's try it let's try. it about should i be tony hinchcliffe. because i have to say that i'll be you. i'll be you and you be tony hinchcliffe. you be tony what did he say i'll be the. cur i'll be the agent. exactly. okay all right no no so i get off stage. so this is how it went oh you have to. bring me up.

no are you you're tone you're tony i do. you you're bringing me up and then i. alright so i'm the asian guy. and i'm killing. and uh and i'm like all right thank you. so much and he doesn't even have an. accent or anything does he no he's like. thank you so much uh appreciate you guys. that's my time tony hinchcliffe everyone. thank you so much i appreciate it tony. thank you tony appreciate you man i. killed on the show thank you or time for. the. [ __ ]. oh my gosh is that what he said i don't.

know but that sounded so bad i know that. sounded so bad even coming from you it. sounds bad how about. one more time for the yellow monkey oh. my gosh. i feel i gotta tell you something. it doesn't feel wrong whatever you're. doing doesn't feel yeah it feels right. all right yeah i'd like this i'm just. glad we're getting it on tape yeah. that whole look exchange was so racist. it was tough yeah was anybody offended. who was offended anybody.

one guy. go apologize bob sir come over here. come here you're offended come over your. [ __ ]. are you offended calls him an [ __ ]. uh-oh. what's happening give him a kiss. give him a kiss. give him a kiss. give him a kiss. give him kiss. give him kiss give him kips give him. kiss give him kiss give him kiss give. him kiss give him kids give him give him. kiss give him kiss give him kiss give. him kiss give him kiss give him kiss.

give him kiss there we go. i just came inside him. so wet that's what he said it was so wet. yeah. my little moist noodle. oh. man. nothing everything's good. [Laughter]. tom no i do mean listen i missed l.a i. do miss all right we missed the [ __ ] out. of you we wish you would come back but. also.

we're happy that you guys are enjoying. life out there yeah every honest i think. it's [ __ ] it's great it's fun is. there comedy there for real is it picked. up or no well there's shows all the time. i mean there's not like are you doing. shows i've been on the road a lot yeah. you're not doing shows i've done shows. in austin but i haven't done like weekly. shows because i've been gone okay. are you're leaving tonight after the. show yeah what kind of plane are you. flying on uh [ __ ] i don't know what. it's called what is it called. american uh.

it's just yours you're not leaving on a. private plane no oh no [ __ ] no. hey do you guys want to play. [ __ ] marry kill yeah yeah. okay so. out of us three right who you would have. to [ __ ] mirror kill the matter i just. know what you're doing you don't like. this game no i love it. dude in improv you say yes and you can. yes yes i love it. do you guys want to play i said they do. scumbag all right go ahead let's play.

just three people yeah. okay yeah. sir. yeah. we'll get back okay. oh wow that well that's not gonna help. out aggressive bro. you're just like. oh man this is this is a bad look yeah. yeah so what's your name. fletch come closer because the mic is. your name fletch that's a great [ __ ]. name i love that who would you [ __ ]. marry or kill between us three i'd [ __ ].

bobby cause he's the most ladylike most. ladylike yes. clutch fletch fletch. the [ __ ] man. it is that's true uh. i'd have to marry tom for the money yeah. he is rich. that's very smart. but i love you santino he's black i love. you too yeah what do you say that again.

he's not black let's say it again yeah. he knows black turn turn to the audience. and said in the mic glitch can you say. it in the mic for me say it say it. santino's black thank. thank you fam. [Applause]. hey that means so much to me it's. unbelievable hey don't flick off my. black friend don't do that santino how. did you get that lady how did you get. that it's just like they feel me there's. a thing there's a thing is it because. you want more you want to do one more. yeah that's fine let's do one more why. not huh.

[Applause]. hey the guy with the titties oh come on. can you ask a girl yeah ask a girl get. the [ __ ]. oh my god bob so mean. all right. all right i have my friend you want to. meet my friend. get that get there's a girl right there. that's asking bob get that woman right. there right there in the white right. there she's right there yeah come on. come please yeah let her do it yes. all right. yeah come come no come come over here. [ __ ] marry or kill okay.

bobby i love you but um i have to kill. you i'm so sorry oh yes i'm gonna [ __ ]. andrew because he is black yes this is. absolutely true yes. yes. oh and i'm gonna marry tom because he. got a business. what's your name what's your name my. name is erica eric i give it up for. erica this [ __ ] queen. [ __ ] queen. erica do you want to get on the stage. and and give and do a spin move and show. yourself off and there's this.

[ __ ]. erica and this [ __ ]. eric are you single. guys single single beep beep beep beep. beep beep. brilliant brilliant woman wow love her. you nailed it man that's what you want. two for two yep. now let's get someone that's typically. out of the like the out of the pocket of. our fan base. who's who's above 50 who's above 50. that's here 50 or 60. get get that woman up here please.

yeah this is great. this isn't our usual fan base. are we still saying playing the same. game we're playing the same game go up. there all right i want to hear and let. her on stage and let her face the. audience look at that swag when she. comes up. damn. bobby all right come on stage and you. can face the crowd and bobby ask her. yeah come come right here help her on. this what's your name put your hand down. what aaron karen.

nice to meet you nice to meet you. karen so would you [ __ ] mary kill which. one would you [ __ ] marry or kill. [ __ ] him. god damn it this is great. this is making my [ __ ] year. oh my god you don't know what this means. to be you guys. [Applause]. go ahead. marry him.

thank you karen. give it over karen that beautiful. beautiful woman there. oh. god damn it yeah this is the best show. we've ever done santino yeah i feel good. that's really the plug you want right. there god i feel so good right now and i. love you. i love how much it hurts him. god damn. say what you want to say bob. say it well first of all i'm 50. you're 37 38. okay 38 has nothing to do.

with it age has everything to do with. you when you're 40 you're gonna play a. clint eastwood. dude i just got stability from everybody. [ __ ] yeah but what does that really. say. these two psychopaths nut backs now like. this one seems like he's got a [ __ ]. together. this guy will bring me coffee [ __ ] you. all right raise your hand if you want to. [ __ ] tom raise your hand if you like. look at all these people that want to. [ __ ] you tom. thank you.

thank you all right raise your hand if. you want to [ __ ] bobby. why are these guys standing that guy is. very excited to [ __ ] you. that was the same guy that eat the worm. that that guy those are those guys are. the irish kids are that the irish two. yeah these guys came here from ireland. look at these scumbags i love these. [ __ ] guys. they came they flew here from ireland. dude imagine [ __ ] bob that's such a. ride. imagine what just [ __ ] you would be.

so wild why. why. [Laughter]. you know i happen to feel like because i. have a mirror by my bed why to watch my. moves oh my god right so every once in a. while in my peripheral yeah is that how. you say it in my periphery yeah referral. in my peripheral yes. i can see my moves and i can say that. it's pretty [ __ ] sexy all right let. me see.

no. oh no no no no. oh he's talking to her oh my god oh he. spits oh he spits right on her. all right then he gets down and. crouching panda. crouching panda licky licky. licky licky. as he. oh wow. wow. [Applause].

all right sit down luke hang cut it out. hey man buffy has changed my life at. night because i told bob i sweat a lot. when i sleep and i roll around and i get. too hot and buffy no more night sweats. for your boy dude i haven't had night. sweats in years since i've used a puffy. respect the pores of my body have closed. up permanently so they're clogged yeah. that's a good thing. uh the breeze is a comforter made. entirely from 100 eucalyptus fiber to. regular temperature and keep you cool.

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guy now is into it. you saw it with your eyes. [ __ ] yeah bro. all right would you be a top or a bottom. i'm generally a bottom but i could do. top. you could top i've done it before i. don't think you're i don't know i think. you're bottom you're not bottom 90 of. the time but i can do top play how for. how long. what do you mean far along you don't. last long on top dude 15 minutes. is that your window yeah really yeah. how about you how about me what.

fifteen's actually pretty good how about. you do you [ __ ] strong i [ __ ] real real. real strong if you do please give this. example. i gave you a [ __ ] example you give me. an example. [Applause].

[Applause]. oh my god i gotta get into the scene so. i'm gonna be at my makeup table i'm. gonna take the makeup off. all right all right ready so. just imagine there's a mirror here. and i just got home i just got home from. a long day at the office. [Applause].

great. [Applause]. wow. wow.

[Applause]. that was aggressive bro. i do not like press charges i know but. was it good that was really good really. good. oh [ __ ] that was really good i want to. take two seconds right now and apologize. to tom i am sorry tom. i'm so sorry sorry tom that's all good. we are sorry. this is really not okay for us to do. this to you that was uh.

who's gonna go to tom show tonight all. these people. give him some space yeah. sorry tom sorry no that was uh i. honestly i really enjoyed both of your. moves thank you. is there a chance that you'd like to. show off your [ __ ] skills. i'm uh. i'm recovering from injuries though yeah. we could both play the women there's two.

women. i think that's a hard no it's a hard. note yeah yeah okay and i get it let's. move on but i liked it i liked watching. your show it was very good thank you. are you still doing the podcast with the. bart yeah does he fly every week to. austin you come back uh it's all in. austin wow yeah that's is that that's. got to be tough schedule no i mean we. record a few at a time so yeah you knock. them out yeah yeah. it is good to see you guys still working. and out we're bad friends is about to be.

over after the after cancun really. this is the last show yeah you you you. [ __ ] me way too hard i [ __ ] you too. hard i stayed is it fun to work with him. is it fun to work with me be honest uh. all right you want a real honesty. sometimes it's not about comedy. sometimes we talk about real stuff all. right i'll give you the most honest. answer that i've that i'm being very. genuine. uh in my.

16 years of doing stand-up and comedy. and television or whatever. uh it's the most fun that i've ever had. in my entire career. yeah not even close. it's not even close. i'm serious it's the most fun i've ever. had in my entire life. it's we get to be [ __ ]. we get to be the little children that we. turn huh it's my turn all right thanks. for letting me really hash it all out.

there. he wasn't done bob no no but to him i. was. when is it my turn it's your turn bob. you want to go thank you yeah he wants. to go up front. thank you. thank you how do you feel about it thank. you all right. about 15 years ago i saw andrew santino. perform in the original room at the. comedy store and when he asked me. to do the podcast literally. it was like i was a native american and. someone littered.

tears. dripping out of my eyes. and it's just thank you jesus so much. for introducing andrew into my life he's. the greatest thing in the whole world. give andrew santino applause what a. great guy he changed my life you changed. my life thanks bob i can uh. i can see why you guys are going to end. things soon. no it's been [ __ ] it's been an. amazing little ride that week do you do. you fight with bird ever because we. fight all the time we fight constantly.

you never never fight we never fight. about anything. not that i can recall yeah you know what. i i can't see ever being in a spat with. you. i mean i don't fight a lot so no but i. mean like you got do you guys ever get. into like little. where it's like you know what it is for. us as like coordination where like we're. both busy we're doing things and it's. like it's hard for us to meet and so we. fight about scheduling is a nightmare. yeah i mean not not really i mean no i. mean you know when he went to serbia to. shoot that movie that was uh obviously.

really challenging to bring people in to. fill all the time he was going to be. gone but i just go like all right you're. shooting a movie so. see how easy we need to be nicer to each. other because you no see. right away no no no right away you're. accusing right away because you you. don't lead with you okay but can i get. one thing off my chest okay say die say. i instead of you try go i go say i. instead of you i am i yeah you no. replace you with i i will not i you.

right no. you. are a rage-a-holic no and very difficult. to work with because you get angry a lot. see right look at look at look at his. face who makes me angry. yeah. so it's your fault i know but i just. need a little bit more compassion from. you no why. because you don't get it. you're just. can you guys give us a minute. [Laughter]. this is good i really like this.

so why does he get so upset with you. because i don't show up on time. sometimes. sometimes i'm not wearing socks. it bothers them or he just like won't. answer texts about what we're supposed. to be doing oh yeah or like that but. that's reasonable or we're supposed to. go to universal studios to shoot a bit. for the show and then i show up. and he's not there yeah i mean new york. shooting something what are you shooting. in new york that's more important than. [ __ ] what are you shooting in new. york that's more important than bad. friends don't phone can do this right.

now what are you shooting in new york. that's more important than bad friends. [Music]. what what. i'm on sex in the city. is it more important than bad friends. no no. but still cool. yeah but wait you didn't tell him you. were not gonna be there what did you. tell him you were yes i tell him before. and everything right he just gets angry. tom. did he tell me. no. george george was like george's like uh. andrew um. very nervous uh bobby's not gonna be.

there. but it's fine i just get hung out to. drive let's do more [ __ ] stuff all. right more [ __ ] stuff. we don't have any more [ __ ] we're not. doing any more [ __ ] i don't wanna do. it anymore i think the cancun people are. not happy about it why are they mad. because i showed my butthole yeah are. you being real no okay it doesn't matter. bobby bobby gabe bobby's been giving. away money to the staff here i don't. know if the staff wants to make some. money bobby gave a guy. 40.

to drive us from the hotel next door to. right here in a golf cart. so if anybody wants to make a quick. couple thousand. bobby's handed out money. forty dollars we went 17 feet. i said you just have to tip him like. five bucks. forty dollars. generous a little too much generous do. you give big tips are you always tipping. big what i'm a really good tipper yeah. are you a good dipper yeah yeah yeah. yeah in fact you know what i'll do you. know what i'll do.

one time i i saw sebastian monoskalco. yeah and he's wearing these ugly italian. shoes they were leather but you know you. know how ninja shoes they have that. little gap yeah it was a dress shoe but. they had that little ninja gap between. the toe and the rest of the [ __ ]. yeah i go i'll give you 200 bucks i'm. gonna buy them from you so i gave him. 200 bucks he gave me his shoes and i. threw him in the dumpster. i like it i'll do stuff like that too. what were you doing with my jews. is there a staff you know what's so.

funny uh i think do you have any money. in your pocket right now yeah why let's. give it away to a staff member. well you made me promise you one thing. in the elevator and what was it. not give away not give away your shirt. all right my cash isn't there i'll go. get it okay go get your cash and give it. away to somebody. [Applause]. [Music].

that that woman right there. yeah. she has no idea why they're pointing at. her this is. [Applause]. by the way she thinks this is like. insurrection she's like no no no. all these white tourists like. what a dangerous thing to do. all right bob bob this lady right here. has been serving this entire row. give your money to her please. [Applause].

very nice. very nice. [Applause]. very. nice all right sit down he's very nice. bobby is very generous and always has. been a generous beautiful man that was. really nice that was very sweet what was. that three bucks what'd you give.

let me ask you something. tom let me ask you something okay. because him and i talk about this all. the time. about like you prefer podcasting and. doing stand-up. right but the acting stuff you're a good. actor i saw you in that one horror movie. i really like doing it. okay i really did that i swear to god i. love that yeah yeah yeah right right so. he's a good actor but you prefer to do. the other stuff. whereas andrew and i really like acting. i don't know why do you guys hate the. fact that we well yeah but we don't i. don't prefer it i just we like it i know.

but it's like a lot of guys like joe. rogan and stuff they kind of. yell at us joe's a bully yeah and and. joe rogan won't go dude. bobby do whatever you want to do. whatever makes you happy right that's. what i've been doing yeah i've been. doing what makes me happy. so that's good yeah i mean i like i like. the acting too i do i think you're a. good actor thanks man you all love me. do you think are you gonna still be able.

to carry on all these other shows are. you just gonna do ymh like you used to. do tom talks and espanol you're gonna do. well those i just do like uh honestly i. just do them because i enjoy doing them. yeah right so the stuff that has like. full ad schedules you can you you have. to right like yeah so we do your mom's. house two bears drew show uh christina's. show and then we have a show that we. signed that we can't announce yet but. like that'll be wait you have somebody. new yeah oh. somebody knew. can we let's just guess who do you think. is signed oh yeah i guess yes all right.

who do you think is new that they signed. to their to the ymh network to podcast i. don't know what's going on. do you not know what we're talking about. buddy okay that's all right explain it. to me do you want to sit this one out no. no no i want to explain it to me. so so. tom segura i know he doesn't think uh. your mom's house is like no no just get. to the point yeah well they have a bunch. of different shows on there yeah yeah. and so they added someone new to this. late that they're going to announce soon. we're going to guess who they added to. their podcast world oh i see yeah okay. so go ahead all right so a comedian. that's added to your podcast world okay.

add it to the podcast world yes that's a. part of your family now there will be. okay um. i know how about that little that little. that little chubby gay kid that we used. to live in l.a but now he lives in. austin. oh oh oh oh you're talking about um. uh uh dylan dylan dylan you used to work. at the company yeah yeah yeah he has no. idea who that is i don't know all right. give me a guess i hate this game go. ahead um. ken john. no but it is a notable person so it's a.

good guess it is what a notable person. oh is it asian [ __ ] no no that's. disgusting yeah. no. there can only be one. thank you yeah it's you. what i'm your favorite asian you're what. am i your favorite asian for sure 100. well no more than ken chung. yes okay but not more than ali wong. ali wong does oh no. really no.

no [ __ ] face. really hey i am before. was she's ahead of me. was she. what was she what is she ahead of me in. your eyes like do i like her more more. than me i like her much more than you. but. but you're my like you're right you're. right there. you know what i mean yeah where am i in. your white guy [ __ ] hierarchy well. you're not white you're hispanic correct. okay where am i. so for number one probably carlos mencia.

one for sure okay number two um. paul rodriguez okay for sure george. lopez for sure ooh fellaini jesus trail. for sure felipe. way ahead of you way ahead of you uh. gabriel gabriel iglesias yeah yeah. that's four people. yeah that's five people jesus trejo yeah. i already said it yeah yeah no you're in. my top three hispanic people really yeah. thanks man what do i rank in your whites. in terms of white people yeah for your. whites you're probably number one on my. list right now man really whoa.

bro. i'll tell you why because i i you guys. don't know this but i'm going through a. hard time i i'm always going through a. hard time yeah and you've been really. helpful dude i love you i love you. wow. [Applause].

all right. wait a minute. imagine imagine imagine if i got. canceled for that oh they're like where. does he sit in your asian scale. pretty high up there yeah. i think. bobby is. well i separated by so korean he is top. korean top korean but there are some. other japanese and chinese that really. takes maybe one japanese uh uh roku or. or roku sudoku there's no roku.

you've never seen roku sudoku he ripped. there's no roku. he is one of the funniest dudes i've. ever seen. do you know you guys know the comedian. roku sudoku. he's good give me another asian guy. that's better uh the cha there's a. chinese guy ronnie chang ronnie chang. yeah ronnie chang. [Applause]. he's very funny very funny yeah and also. likeable very likable you know. there's a couple there's a couple of but. you're the top korean noodle kadool do.

you know noodle cadoodle. she's good. you're my best you're my best korean by. far okay. all right so how about this tom has. almost little time left because he's. gotta uh you know sell out a [ __ ]. arena next door. so. do they have that. they have that um they have that crowd. mic that they can do you guys have that. crowd mike do we have the crowd mic so. we can get a questions from the crowd. george. get a couple cars from the crowd. okay go ahead.

let's go. tom big fan um so i just want to uh. we're here too you know. [Music]. jesus. i wanted to. i'm a big fan i watch every single. podcast i swear to god okay so i wanted. to know with all this uh climate and the. experience that you've had in cancun um. what kind of glove would you uh. recommend for this. it's really good. and also.

where's the glove. so really those are both those are good. questions i i would say that number one. a beach glove is what i would wear in. this oh beach gloves yeah like something. you can shovel with you can also like. reach into the water you can knock the. sand off of it the sand doesn't stick to. it as much yeah so it's more like a. latex but they're specifically either. beach gloves do you own beach gloves of. course and then right. the reason i'm not wearing a glove is. because customs of course customs. [ __ ] customs they take your gloves. all right that guy thank you for that.

question though good great question tom. i have two questions first of all how. good is that up there to recreate good. morning julia that is a fantastic. background good morning julia a real. cool guy atmosphere yes and then second. of all if you could bring anybody back. from the dead why would you pick fat. smoker. that's a. it's a really impressive question.

do you want me to break it down for you. no yeah i understand you understood that. oh man fat smoker i mean you know you're. irish but you understand that he. represents all americans and um. he was fighting to keep the [ __ ]. peace and to push out all the fake bad. cops that were stealing and and corrupt. and you know it's like there's only one. [ __ ] jfk and there's only one herc. news fed smoker so.

you know long live the meth king. [Applause]. all right. tom i'm also a big fan. bobby or andrew who do you like more and. why. oh who do you like more out of us yeah i. mean that's an aggressive question it's. andrew and i'll tell you why um. he answers me when i text when i call. he doesn't just leave me hanging he. wakes up before 4 p.m you know. but you. but you do like me but like you said.

number one korean number one. doesn't that feel good i like you even. more. than grandma kim and she makes the best. bulgogi and the best calobi and the best. uh sundo. and i put you ahead of her and you've. never even [ __ ] cooked for me so. that's huge you're the most rocking. korean i know let's move on. all right look at is that george. interviewing george yes. [Applause]. two [ __ ] white nerds stick it this is. awesome he's one of the most handsome.

guys. so far uh this question is for daddy la. lagon uh. so the last place my mother was seen. about two years ago was at a garth. brooks concert and we haven't seen her. since do you think i'll ever get closure. of course not. thank you. she's buried somewhere in oklahoma pal. i'm sorry to navigate away from bad. friends but tom has christina navigated.

towards your scrum at all. have you gotten any scrum looking let's. scrum it up christina. she's disappointed me in that regard in. every way um. you know i've been trying things. working out more eating clean waxing. very good by the way thanks thank you. doing good. after stevo's show the other day i know. a lot of buttholes are hair free so i. want to see yours as well. all right lady he's married so [ __ ]. land the plane a little bit.

my uh my butthole is not hair free and. it is not appetizing i admit that. i would not i would not eat my own ass i. wouldn't eat your ass no you wouldn't i. just wouldn't but what have you. loved me. no. yeah that's where you poop out of i. wouldn't do it guys poop. how much money. like how much money would you offer me. to eat your butthole 300 bucks. no oh no 500 grand a grand yeah.

uh okay okay. have you had your buddy. yeah. yeah yeah my butt's good no you've had. your your ass eaten before it's not good. it's enough it's not a fresh product. but it's been done like yesterday when i. was two days ago when i showed you my. poo. oh. wait i came to the door oh. i knocked on the door because we're. supposed to go do something together. and there's no answer. and so i knock harder and then he goes.

bathroom. and i said come on i want to clean the. room and then he goes go away and i said. you want me suck your little beautiful. pee pee. and then he gets up off the toilet i can. hear him get up off the tour because. when he gets up it's like. the [ __ ] weight of the toilet like. eased up a little suction action. and he [ __ ]. who was that that was insane. yeah his royal blackness in the.

am i neo. no you're not [ __ ] neo. i get up off he gets up on the toilet he. comes the front door and he's he's in. his underwear looking down at me and i'd. say bob we got to go and then he puts. his hand out and it's toilet paper and. there's [ __ ] on it oh. that's what he is. [Applause]. thank you for being a big friend goodbye. good night thank you guys. one more time.

[Applause]. [Music]. yes. [Music].

bye.