Bye Bye Brits | Ep 21 | Bad Friends with Andrew Santino and Bobby Lee
you two are bad these two idiots bad. friends I went to [ __ ] Houston and he. was an MC yeah and he doesn't even. introduce himself to me he just goes. he's a Mexican guy and he goes hey bro I. go yeah he goes I'm the number-one comic. in Texas that's his opening line it's a. big state so I go it's pretty good i won.
you know funniest man in Texas or. whatever some couple he won funniest man. yeah oh yeah so I go okay any good and. then this is the what drives me crazy. when a MC says this do done even though. I'm doing here dude on my headliner bro. that's what in annoying I use it for. they go I usually headline yeah I know. what I'm doing it right now and I am so. I go okay so that he goes up and he does. a 15-minute bit about [ __ ] old ladies. as an MC that's my I do that I know.
that's your closer that's my biggest. closer I go Gladys I'm ready to give you. a gummy and so I go um after the show I. just go dude you cuz I had a Fiat's. arity on or somebody feel of love her. right so and she's pretty clean you know. she's cheese that was I super clean this. is kind of like I don't want to follow. that that's why I go dude a bro you know. the way she you know it's say or.
whatever I go you gotta you can't you. gotta clean it out yeah he goes what. dude I'm a headliner bro oh you gotta be. so then his second show he doubles down. yeah because you exactly you don't have. to do course she's gonna do doubles down. yeah and he does a bit about like you. know foot [ __ ] midgets that's my. other opener yeah [ __ ] midgets by the.
way that is a funny concept I don't even. know the bit but it's not yet anyway. he literally gets upstage and look him. right in the eyes ago you're fired oh. you fired him on the spot. yeah do you try to fight you because you. can't do that like I just did I just. called. um Raymond you're gone I just call and I. can go even higher yeah you're done dude. bye-bye can I can I say something two. things one happy fourth of July I hope. everyone had a great 4th of July weekend.
I hope everyone partied Bobby sent off. fireworks and Bobby lied to me Bobby. said that he was in Joshua Tree and it. caused a panic I said hey do we. recording today well and you see I'm. gonna be honest I called you and I said. hey dude I rented an Airbnb in Joshua. Tree and I just completely forgot about. it and then you go you're [ __ ]. kidding right you're [ __ ] kidding no.
dude and then you go no you three 3:30. you got to be here and I go um I'm not. gonna make it you go and then you got. you got boylee be real what you did. you're not being honest about what you. did you're I'm a good tell if someone is. bullshitting me you are not a good of an. actor and you sold it better than I've. ever heard you sell anything why because. because was it in the disaster already. is that why why is that why watch the.
new game show with rob gun Kowski and. robbery ok America don't make fun of my. projects I want make fun of your project. ok foot of my acting skills it's you're. not that good of an actor so what I'm. saying was no but listen listen yeah you. got emotional on the phone and it you. suck I suck I bought into it I know you. did you said you go the whole family's. up here and jewels and and animals and. and then I got worried I go [ __ ] they. did maybe he took the whole family and. they need you okay so you suckered me. with emotion I know I was not believing.
it until you got emotional that's called. acting that's not good acting you got so. you got suckered into it but I couldn't. see you I could only hear any matter. that's how good I am here a good voice. actor you're a good voice actor you'd be. a great voice actor in fact there's new. slots opening up in Hollywood that white. people took of non-white roles but I'm. on it. first of all number one you [ __ ]. [ __ ] that's a show number one. [ __ ] [ __ ] I'm on a Netflix show. coming out of them. regular on what's it called it's called. inside job with Mike dirty jobs then.
spin-off with micro no no what is it. about it's a bunch of but two scientists. that work for the government but we're. like a I don't want to get into it. because it's not out yet cuz you don't. know what it is I do know what it is and. number two I'm in a Sony movie would. called um wish dragon with Jackie Chan. me John Cho and I want to like the. leaves it's a voiceover movie coming out. well you also and I've also done you. know I mean I was on the awesomes which. is a [ __ ] Hulu so [ __ ] you dude I.
said you're a good voice actor I can do. everything no you can't do everything. you can't dance you're not a triple. threat you can't sing or dance you can. act but you can't sing or dance period. people like the um daddy why you die. song I was because of me so you lied to. me about going to Airbnb and I almost I. almost wanted to tax kalila to be like. is this [ __ ] real because that you. got me that much that I was like [ __ ]. Manny you guys really go in the [ __ ]. desert yeah and then I know you are but.
you are a great ass [ __ ] you no no you. have to know what the [ __ ] I don't. believe you I'll never believe you now. I'll never believe you and also I'm. doing you a [ __ ] favor by being here. right now okay so you're doing me a. favor. because I we came in on an off day yeah. oh thank you so much Bobby yeah you're. so sweet I'm sorry to interrupt your. jerk-off video game sleep troll schedule. yeah you booger at a Booker you're a. booger why because I'm yellow and slimy.
[Laughter]. you're a [ __ ] this is my month you're. a good guy thank you. this is my mother heart yoga guy this is. my month this was this was my. celebratory weekend this is the fourth. is the Independence of the United States. of America pal you know do you even know. what the fourth of July I do know what. what's it about it's about when Magellan. came here and then Lucifer Franco the. boat no yes let me get it they came here. from the noses of four different Gobbo. right and they hit Plymouth Rock they.
didn't hit it let me finish right yeah. and then this this is a Murray boat. right yeah with the other guy Columbo. yes right. and they gave me or dude and they. [ __ ] gave the Indians the blankets. yeah keep them all right and then. Washington D came yep right Washington D. cape dude yeah it became our first. president dude that's Ana signed a. proclamation of independence dude they. signed a proclamation of it right and. that's what happened thank you so much.
Kristina do you know strip right. do you know what fourth of July is what. it means I just know that the colonies. were fighting the British they won so. knows more than you literally knows more. than you yeah not born here knows more. than you literally knows more than you I. honestly believe you don't really know. what it's about I don't why don't we set. off fireworks do you know what do you. know I don't no idea I have no idea and. you know what you're doing you're doing.
it right now and this is your name I'm. trying to revoke your Chris are you hard. trying to get you out of this country. I don't know won't you go back to where. you came from that you like to put. people in shame no not you I you like. the call you like to cause drama. I want routine I don't shine you because. of how mean you are to her sometimes I. want her to clap back at you well I'm so. good to her at home am I not good to you. at home I'm so good to her at home wait. can I show something of Rudy I got sent. this this is so fun look at this who is. that. Bobby who is that do you know who that. is well that guy shows up every once.
well in my house I think he's the either. the gardener or so he's this guy he is. sometimes ends up in the guy sometimes. see in the garage so this is a member. this isn't the newest member of the Lee. household yes. people at home own this is Ramon Ramon. we want you to meet Ramon here Ramon. Valadez he's how old is he he's about 18. 18 or 19 in yeah yeah and he works with. you guys he does work he just. mysteriously appears kind of like a you.
know a sorcerer he just pops up but it's. weird I never see him and and Rudy in. the same room ever at the same time did. you know Ramon do you know Ramon well. have you ever met him no you've never. met Ramon yeah he's a really nice kid. apparently he works kalila I was saying. he's he's handy around the house he. fixes stuff he does big stuffs very nice. he's very sweet loves to make. eggs for summer he's a big egg guy the. big egg guy yeah why he's the dogs which. is great but he likes his eggs soft. scramble which is really annoying yeah.
that's that's the new member Ramon. that's Ramon and Ramon's girlfriend we. have a picture of his girlfriend this is. his girlfriend here yeah that's yeah. that's Suzie this is Suzie Suzie Lee. this is Suzie Lee yeah and she I don't. remember her she so I know Suzie very. well people say that she wanders around. the house right but yeah I don't really. recall I don't ever see her you don't. see that she's yeah no she's the aunt of. Ramon oh this is Ramon yeah come on.
she's the remote remote sod can I tell. you something about her yeah very cute. she has to one of those little fat faces. you know those little cute little fat. faces yeah yeah and she's got very nice. pudgy little cheeks. I just want to pinch her cute mind you. she's 50 she is 50 years old yeah but. she looks really good very tight vagina. though really yes Wow yes and one more. family member that's added to the new. bad friends household this this ladies.
and gentlemen is I'll tell you this is. Sheila here's Sheila she's friends with. she's friends with Susie yeah Sheila is. good are you a lot now you can just tell. by looking at this that she is a [ __ ]. there's no doubt about yeah yeah she is. an awful [ __ ] you know the first thing. comes out of her mouth what I said no. tomatoes she's although she gets so mad. at customer service she's not a nice. person.
yeah she for some reason she she really. does have a hard time just keeping it. together and it could be this fiery red. hair okay so let's let's be honest now. okie dokie the face app everybody knows. this is you this is I mean I'm gonna and. honestly if I was single would I [ __ ]. that girl would you be real you would so. really yeah do you think she's she I. wouldn't date her I wouldn't date her no. no no if I was in you know me Dayton.
Ohio playing the funny bone or whatever. and I and I should come up the show and. I'm like hey. I really loved your performance you're. so funny yeah I'd just be like yeah open. your mouth. Sheila so okay Sheila it is she what do. you think root is Sheila gross she looks. intimidating who's cuter. Sheila or Suzie let's side-by-side it. who's cuter you like Suzie you like. Suzie that's cuz you're racist.
no let me ask you something yeah if you. were single yeah would you hook up with. Suzie if I was single okay let me be. honest. suzana Suzie looks like okay her face. this is not about you she looks like she. drinks in smokes a little bit too much. she looks like she's been she's. weathered a few storms and I bet you. she'd had she'd have a fun couple of. late night clubs to go to so yeah I. might take Suzie out am I gonna call her. again no chance no the same with Sheila. Suzie looks like these are.
one-night-standers we are one as of. women were these are one-night stand. women you know that old racist term that. that Vietnam vets say $2 I know I'll. [ __ ] yeah dude I let [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ]. is a dollar thirty she's a dollar thirty. fucky-fucky. how much am i I mean I'm sorry how much. is Sheila Sheila is she looks like a. [ __ ] $80 Vegas girl really yeah yeah. that makes me feel yeah I'm a dollar. thirty [ __ ] you know what but you know. what's funny when the makeup comes off.
for both of these girls I know right. yeah not good looking and Ramon by the. way Ramon. what's real yeah is sexy as [ __ ] Ramon. knows jujitsu it looks like a UH Krav. Maga. yeah a big Krav Maga guy dude he is. actually super good-looking I'm not. kidding I like he is but yeah I've shown. this to a few friends that listen to the. show yeah and they didn't know who was I. know it's so yeah it's really it doesn't. look like a load like you pretty it. doesn't look like you would so straight.
we did the face app we all collapsed on. the ground and we laughed. it's it well because it's so good and. then you saw and then here's kalila sent. me her as I have hers in here where is. it. yeah no I found my god I was kidding. where is Kenny I have to find you have. it I have to find I have Kenny I have it. but you know what the funny thing is. about the face app is I didn't have a. couple. of Kenny you do yeah that looks like a. dude I used to party. yeah well sorrows the one they just. poster with I just sent you huh huh.
this is this is a different different so. this is this is version people know it. no facial hair Kenny this is Kenny yeah. this is serial killer oh yeah my cell. serial killer okay why so why is this. one looks so different that's what's so. unique about the app yeah yeah is that. you this this Kenny yeah doesn't look. anything like this Kenny yeah yeah but. yeah so I know this guy yes guy I know. this I love Kenny yeah Kenny yeah he.
goes he only goes to Tony Hinchcliffe. shows yeah the right the left looks like. he goes to that Tom Segura show this guy. in the left seems like he the guy with. the beard seems like he's he's just. trying to be a bro a little bit too much. but the guy on the right he's got huge. Brian read bad fit. he stands outside of the Comedy Store. and smoke cigarettes I know and he waits. to say one thing to you as you go. goodbye and he's been practicing over. and over but the only thing that comes. out he's like pizza yeah I don't like.
are you okay you get those a lot yeah. most careless ah you get a lot of them. they get so [ __ ] drunk I know by the. way that's sad news the store opened and. now they're closed again I know cuz you. know the bars are officially closed. again the worst is when you get offstage. and somebody who goes good set right. thanks but you hadn't gone up yet uh. hurt yeah well they just mean they like. your stuff from no no no I see I've. heard guys yeah those there's a lot of. hanger-ons at the Comedy Store I'm sure. and say they say [ __ ] just that really.
just irritates me that's why I love what. Sebastian Maniscalco does he just leaves. he doesn't even we don't even know he's. there yeah he ghosts his way in you know. he has a separate entrance you know that. right I know I love that I know what. that I know was about is yeah he doesn't. have to even see anybody he uh that's. cuz he wants to go home to his family to. he has a he has young children I think. he just wants to not get no conversation. where someone goes dude. cannot and he just doesn't have to he. gets to avoid all that [ __ ] yeah I went. to a bar last night which one what the. comics or no no I wanted to go to the.
comedy store. I well I want to go and support and now. you can't go anymore but I really did I. really made me like heartbroken that. they open that bar for the patio and. you're like oh god we can't even go in. there no I won't you just like a. neighborhood bar just to have a drink to. get out of the house you wear a mask. no yes dude you have to you're you can't. even walk inside me well how did you. drink you took the mast down. you just pour it on your face how do you. do you lift it and you drink hey you put. a mask so what you do is I would have. known that when you go to the bar you.
have to put a mask on you order and then. when you go outside to the patio to like. a beer garden where tables are we have. to ask you for your ID so then you have. to take your right ask my ID look at my. [ __ ] face a years old yeah I'm old. Charleston Heston yeah you look like a. Charleston chew you look like a used. candy bar that someone chewed up and. then spit out it's [ __ ] rude i. charlton heston is a very very good. actor I very handsome man he's dead and. he's well know the image that we have of. him is not that he was handsome you see. like you're thinking about old. Charleston Heston that's why you made. the joke no I meant you know the. attitude of like my cold dead hands.
that's why you'll get this gun so well I. am like Charlton Heston I'm a I'm a I'm. a proud multiple gun owner so when I say. I own guns yeah I own machine guns hmm. hand guns are for [ __ ] I own I own. the big ones yeah yeah come over I [ __ ]. it on come over and say the wrong thing. wouldn't you love to have a bazooka by. the way I would that's the problem I.
would that's why RPG oh yeah what would. you shoot I would shoot um just up the. top of my head. crows crows no I would probably shoot. like if you could go to the top of the. Hollywood sign and you could shoot it at. something where I would aim it at. probably toward Brentwood why I know. I'll hit somebody I don't like you know.
well I might hit a Bel Air on the way. over so that is a yeah people there. that'll help you boat so we were gonna. say you went to the bar and then why no. I went to the bar I had a couple of. drinks okay and then if you go with them. I go out right I know I went with. Sheila Sheila went out and to fiery red. heads don't enter our bar without making. a scene did you oh I had anybody you. knew mmm yes yes that's what that's what.
I'm trying to say no someone you don't. know someone that actually cuts up clips. that works at a company that we've both. worked with before off air I'll tell you. that cuts up stand-up Clips it was so. crazy I ran into his weapon we said hi. it was so funny was like you can't. really you know it's like he can't like. you can't hug him you can't say hello. you can't really talk about much you. just be like hey and then you know you. kind of have a little bit of. conversation but you're afraid of like I. don't want I don't know it's weird it. was it was weird it was not even. enjoyable that's what the bomber was. like we had a little bit of fun but the.
whole time in your head you're like. should I not be here is this wrong am I. is it stupid I mean it's open and I'm. nowhere near anybody we're sitting at. you know you're like outside having a. beer by yourself. you know this whole thing I just I don't. know where to stand with it it's like. you know it's either you know you have. those it's because it's so politicized. that you have those that say I'll never. wear a mask it's against my you know. yeah constitutional rights to be free or. whatever and you have ones that are. super paranoid like we are you know but.
we as in you guys yeah like my group my. girlfriend I'm not super paranoid but. it's it's it is a thing that's in my. head it's in my head but you know it's. not gonna go away until we get a [ __ ]. vaccinations Rudy are you scared she's. the more than most scared four people. ever I'm just careful. that's so shy what a smart phrase you're. not just careful you're scared all right. and she just said she's not scared. because she won't even let me go get if. it let me sit if I when we go back right. now. but that's cuz kalila has told her not. to let you wander I can't go to a.
Starbucks here's why though you're a. little I said it before your wild card. you wander you may end up somewhere that. you don't belong I just got a test I. just got a test back. Kovach test or did I not it came. negative I know and I've been doing my. own [ __ ] I know but but she know kalila. knows that if Rudy lets you get it get. away with whatever that you're gonna. you'll wander you know what if you start. talking to a square like a ronin or. [ __ ] hobo yeah you are what do you.
wander the hobo Bobo with your little. satchel you might walk on through there. no I am in I have specific goals in mind. when I go out chef's station as folks. adapt to this changing world we're all. gonna be buying more stuff online than. ever before if you're an e-commerce. seller are you ready to meet the demands. of our new delivery culture be ready. with ship station ship stations. incredible man we are gonna use ship. station when we start making some pay. French March it's the fastest and.
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shipstation for free for 60 days when. you use our offer code bad friends make. sure your business is ready you ship. station in our own personal business. here yeah no we do yeah use it we're. trying to we're trying to get our murse. together so we can calm the enter and. enter offer code bad friends that ship. station calm offer code bad friends make. ship happen sushi let me ask you a. question Andrew yeah how do you think my. asshole's so clean I don't really know. cuz I used to she oh you do I do it.
cleans everything man I don't even. sometimes you use toilet paper so we. have a Toshi at our home and we have one. here in the studio and it is so nice I. gotta tell ya toilet paper is over rated. man dude oh she's so great it is it's. for years but days have been expensive. and people don't know anything about. them and they're to French or foreign. and you're wasting a lot of money for. nobody so she ate to me is so a [ __ ]. affordable man it's like for $79 yeah.
you get a full-blown but David day and. your house house yeah it's you know you. don't have to fly all the way to. Johannah because I set mine up you know. dumb I am right yes. really dumb no no. No and I set up my own Toshi in my own. house it's so easy yeah it is I put. together it's embarrassing if you don't. know how to put it together because it's. simply laid out for you get rid of all. the paper products in your house because. you don't need them clogging up your. toilet costing thousands of dollars in. pipe repairs and all that and every. hello to see attachment comes with a. 60-day risk free guarantee and a 12.
month warranty all year a whole year. join millions of happy hello Toshi. customers right now have a clean but. with every flush go - hello - she calm /. bat friend to get 10% off that's hello -. she calm / friends bad friends I go I. want to get Panda Express or I want to. go to Trader Joe's and get you know I. mean my items but I don't wander like I. don't go I want to go to Trader Joe's a. Sephora yeah but you love Sephora why.
nobody loves before but I wouldn't go. you know I mean I want to buy a hammer. right I know I go to [ __ ] Trader. Joe's I know I have I trust me I know. yeah so you know all I want to tell of. these ladies in the house is is that I. want to go here just let him go but they. won't let me go because they're scared. right okay isn't that fine though you. occupy then you should move out you want. to move in with me no do you want to. live in my house look at me. you can come live with me I already told.
you before that I just find the energy. of your house to be a little scale for. me and it's restrictive it's because. there's not crow [ __ ] all over my house. do you even have crow [ __ ] in 91 he was. running around why do you get defensive. because you and I make fun of you my. house is stale energy nest tail energy. I'm just trying to cut you know I don't. know much about words right okay so I. make things up and I try to get to the. so let me just get to what I'm trying to.
get to here's what my house feels like. to you it feels clean and organized no. it seems sterile office like it is an. office it functions as my home offices. what even in the living room it's like. the walls are gray or work you know me. well it's blue so you're not good with. color are you colorblind see you're. attacking me again you're attacked at. the light house it's a beautiful house. then ended there no there's can. around is that bad his candles back. handles are [ __ ] everybody likes candles.
let me just get to the point did it. smell good when you walked in delicious. yeah so [ __ ] come on but then I went. to the table and there's like not a mark. on it yeah my cables in good condition. and it but there's not even a mark. there's not even like a stain or a thing. it's like all the chairs are pushed in. you know I mean all the placemats are. perfect it's like the [ __ ] a showroom. and IKEA is this a Twilight Zone it's. not a Twilight Zone if there's something. weird whenever I go to a place and. things are perfect and things are in.
place. yeah something Bad's about to go down. and what happened we ordered steak and. we had a nice night and then you're left. saying that luckily luckily I came. [ __ ] well if I'm away from it with no. consequence the dungeon master was out. of town but if he was in town you. would've been in the garage or something. weird going on in the house oh no I. don't want to live there yours that so. mean yeah you know what well you know. why my stuff is all nice why because. unlike you unlike you my mommy and daddy. didn't let me get away with everything. if we [ __ ] up something we would have.
gotten in trouble for it you got to run. amok and [ __ ] up [ __ ] Bobby don't do. that and you got to do it and then. they're like Bobby and that's it I. couldn't get away with [ __ ] up [ __ ]. if I Nick the table or dented up or. bumped it up then I get in trouble. you're a little run around loose goose. doing whatever you want to do [ __ ] up. everything and ruin him stuff yeah. interesting yeah you have no idea the. way I was raised mommy and daddy let you. do whatever you want I'm like the way I. am yeah. it's because I lived in a [ __ ]. sweatshop what did you make that's not.
that it's just like every day I was. either getting beat yeah or molested or. something but you just hear alright and. my house was so clean like your house. that's why you don't like it let me. finish yeah okay and everything was so. restrictive and you couldn't go to rooms. at certain times and this and that that. when I left that house yeah I went the. polar opposite I immediately bought a. gaming console I mean I got a ADA pizza.
in my new place Department at first. apartment I ate half a peach I just. threw it on the ground and left it there. for two weeks. no it's not I had to I had to get it out. you had to cleanse it. I had to express myself had a real human. cuz yours comes from trauma but my or my. organization comes from might might. comes from Stepford Wives [ __ ] that. I'd like it needs in commissioned it's. taught by whom that by the military yes. sir yes that's what I'm saying. there's something about you that's very.
military my dad had a military dad yeah. and you're very like clean-cut and I you. know get in line you know me and this is. the way it's supposed to be worse I'm. what they call F are ya ye free oh. you're free I'm free as a bird baby are. you yeah you're free as a bird when I. went to your place I love everyone in. the house yeah I loved your little. doggie thank you right almost too.
perfect. well I sit down what what dog what dog. what kind of dog does is an Asian guy. yeah what when an asian guy walks into. any house the dog should be a little. suspicious but we've trained her well no. she's also black you dumb she's black. she is black she's black she's an East. LA daughter. Panthera that's her name so as asian guy. walks into a house this dogs never seen. this asian guy sits on the couch what is.
this mysterious dog do what does she do. she sits right next to me and looks at. me with googly eyes he sticks his tongue. out and goes pat me. Yeah right and I want to look down as. like I'm the you're lucky that this is. the type that came in because you're. mean Chong Chong from [ __ ] ketamine. you're the first Asian we've let into. the house we only let in white and black. people and we don't let in Asians you're. the first one I also knew that - no no. that energy actually that's not true. yeah Lila's been in my house before you.
came to my house but when you guys tried. to rat me out. mm-hmm when I was relapsing on drugs you. guys try to double-team me. we didn't double-team you first of all. when she came over for Halloween when. they were on the way to another party. and we talked about you because she was. worried about you you guys were so you. know it's so funny the reason why the. reason why I got sober yeah and all this. came down. was because of you all right now do you. know that yeah have we talked about that. and not on the show yeah you're the. reason why I'm sober now that makes me.
smile actually no it was sabotage it. wasn't sabotage in retrospect it was a. blessing in disguise I was worried at. the time I [ __ ] hated you that was. worried about you I see this guy oh my. god. and then but now you know that it's in. further it was for the better everything. happens for a reason I believe in my. books but um yes so you know I'm sorry. for me thank you for the invite dance.
around about you now let me back to grab. a bite wriggle you can't live in a house. it's fine no I won't live in the house. let me backtrack thank you so much for. the invite yeah no problem although I. find your place neatly kept and. mysterious in not in the best ways. mm-hmm I really appreciate your. hospitality okay I had a very delicious. meal at your the table that's never been. used before. it's good use every day just gets. cleaned just it just gets cleaned uh-huh. and we have a routine in our house ding.
not a ding ding who's dinging up tables. what are you hitting a table with do you. put a plate down like this then you'll. see you know this is guys do you ever. see you ever see Laura the Rings. no you know I've never seen one okay so. or Game of Thrones never seen one of. them okay so I'm gonna teach you. something when Vikings right mm-hmm when. Vikings my people exactly it's not your. people because you don't know how to. ding a table. so when Vikings when they when they go.
to a village and the Horde right yeah or. they are victorious in a battle right. right they always make it to some sort. of Hall yeah a celebration a celebration. Hall right and the King stands up and we. know here that we've victorious right. yeah and everyone stands up and they go. clunk clunk clunk with their little. cantinas right yeah and they [ __ ] on the. table to eat [ __ ] meat off the bone. right the leg bone right and they.
come over here whatever their name is. right yeah flag are come over here and. then they [ __ ] they'll do a wrestle. and they use their tables because. they're full of life and they're full of. expression and they're full of artistic. energy is that what you do on your. tables we do and we see laboratory and. cable okay and and your this is what you. write in her time I ring the bell ding. ding time right and then she comes up.
with some sort of roast mm-hmm right. with herbs in it because love your herbs. a time tire of your rosemary bring it to. the table right and you go dark meat or. white meat huh dark meat you all right. and then you know somebody probably. slices it with nice utensils yeah. Bradley puts it on the thing yeah and if. let me see if a piece of meat goes onto. the table it becomes a 903 Karen.
emergency yeah hello police yeah there's. a judge that tripped on my table right. and I bet your money you guys do this. right you probably go. you know honey I'll do the dishes. tonight do you do that we do I just we. both do it kind of we both share the. it's an unspoken sometimes I do I leave. the [ __ ] on the table oh you make you. make the women eyes to it doing I leave. this [ __ ] on the table. and I don't even look at anymore yeah I. just it's like as if it's like I throw.
the [ __ ] a napkin down and I just I. all push the [ __ ] plate away from my. body yeah and I'll just turn my body and. I just leave yeah you know all I hear is. completely Josh and they're cleaning it. right and the whole time they're going. piece of [ __ ] yeah man I'm a real guy oh. you're a real man yeah I just said it oh. you're so a real man just leave someone. else to clean up their [ __ ] that's. what a little boy does a little [ __ ]. boy goes. clean up after me I'm not grown up. that's what a [ __ ] boy does yeah a man.
cleans up I do sometimes. oh you food. has he ever cleaned he tried last week. but then when I saw the plates you. scrubbed and didn't really clean them. you just put water on him oh you a. wonderful girl yeah thank you so much. for saying that had your dear dear dogs. freak out over the fireworks for real. yeah they don't freak out they just I.
bought my dog we had to buy my dog a. your muffs no we bought her a it's. called a thunder blanket do you know. what that is I think so thunder blanket. it yeah it kind of like it Krug's him so. they don't have crazy exotic is a. fireworks are [ __ ] insane how many. people are lighting off fireworks in LA. and every night we go for a walk. but they're saying that the government. is I read this piracies theory I read. government's doing it so they get us. conditioned to just bang noises yeah I. don't think this that's we do you.
believe that I do you do yeah cuz I want. to look up the story because I read that. same thing that you know this this this. as the government is doing this to get. us used to what does it call that. martial law you know where they were. they were that like militant or militant. force look at this large-scale firework. displays into the evening a week before. the protests still now the middle of. June and every night they're still going. on but you know what's so crazy about. this I know.
conspiracy theorists are fond I guess. and they're goofy but most of them turn. out to be real Flat Earth real I know. they proved it this year I know why what. to the edge you have you been to the. edge I've been to the edge dude of the. of the earth what does it look like what. happens is I was in the ocean uh-huh and. I was in a my ferryboat oh you're new. one day the new one that I have yeah the. other ones bad you know I mean and jewls. been out there with me right Jules too -. yeah it's you know with the song that we.
sing is the Rochas Oh Rochelle Rochelle. Rochelle boat it's my ferry boat that's. our favorite. it's a ferry boat right so you got to. reroute we got to the edge and it's like. Truman Show it just drops off no there's. a wall Oh. there's a wall oh my god and what. happens is that the my ferryboat right. hit the wall and I looked at Jules I. goes I guess back to LA that was you.
found out the end yeah we found the end. you didn't want to like figure out if. there was a door or anything outside of. it like he doesn't turn much oh that's. it yeah but um is that true Jules do you. see the edge of the earth there was a. beautiful at all or no it was plain. it was plain much like my house just. like your play house and also guess what. honestly you're living in my house I. know. but on honestly yeah I'm so proud of her. why because two times during this.
podcast already yeah she pulled the bike. herself not only that she agreed right. she normally would go no we didn't go on. a boat you know I mean now she's getting. to play along. yeah honestly I'm about to cry right now. don't Bob don't cry I'm so proud of her. dude that's it that's that dude that. right there. he's like a gun institute's instincts. who will think that she got learned from.
you not just an Lord she just by being. on podcast I think she learned just to. add information or to agree right I. never taught her the rules of improv. right they just like twice she already. did that yeah yeah you're getting you're. getting rude he's gonna have her own. podcast is gonna supersede this one are. you getting more famous online now by. the way she has like 14 thousand. followers really yeah on our Instagram. is that funny that that's more than like. certain people that we know I know like. comics who are like trying to go VidCon. yeah we're trying to do it for a living. I know and she doesn't care she put it. posted one photo of the dogs no she put.
there there's a photo of the know I saw. this photo no she did no just shut up. just give me a second also should we. bring it up bring it up here wait a. minute what she Rudy go to bed Ruby yeah. I'll show you the photo that she put up. this before this one there what that. yeah yeah don't blush this it oh my gosh. look at this one and so Rudy posted this. and this is called this is called hey. it's me it's Rudy pay attention to me.
that's what the title of this is hey. it's me it's Rudy pay attend. to me rody Rudy Rudy what are you trying. to say here young lady what are you. trying to say there what are you trying. to say go young lady. no pulse right - like you know right. look at me I'm a peacock for people that. can't see if you're listening Rudy is. trying to do one of those la model girls. faces and the face looks like you you're.
either you saw something in the distance. and you're scared or you're almost about. to fart. that's just pre fella she looks. emotional there look verge of crime I. need a burger prime or she's thinking. she loves Harry so Rudy tell us the what. is that what's the what's the vibe. behind this what was the reasoning both. of all this yes so this is so she said.
you said did you say I want to do a. thirst trap for the Internet no she did. bad influence you're why I'm not gonna. say his name did we talk about last week. I don't know about the guy in school no. there's a boy that you like yeah oh boy. hey so and I know who I had no real.
isn't screaming well out okay what I'm. gonna say is that you've checked him out. oh yeah okay is he cute you know he. looks like a young Weird Al Yankovic. okay curly hair curly hair but also just. you can tell that he's a funny guy he. looks like a young Jewish guy he does a. bit in his Instagram where he goes he. just runs into a locker he like jumps. into a locker and falls on the ground. yeah you know and and so it's fun is he. funny to me was funny he's cute yeah and.
you really like this well what happened. was Brody. don't embarrass her but oh you've. already there she she started following. him and he never followed her back Oh. son of a bit of a [ __ ] who the [ __ ]. does he wants to be a doctor and he. doesn't follow you he's in follow you. he's an actor and doesn't follow Rudy. and wants to pursue right and he doesn't. realize that Rudy is more famous than. him is more famous than him yeah yeah. which is insane to me you still like him.
no ya wanted to [ __ ] so I go to the. girls I go that's it I'm following him. and I'm gonna send him a truck message. follow my [ __ ] knees back. no but they're like don't do it yeah. that's embarassing Barris it's. embarrassing but also yeah but do you do. you have you had run-ins with him in. this over the summer now and when school. is done have you talked tell him that. how they tell him that tell me yeah and. I'm so disappointed in her reactions and.
we were in class US history and then he. said something about what are you doing. for the project and then I started. coughing you got nervous you get so. nervous that you started coughing yeah. so let me yeah so um Jules what are you. doing for the class you just got.
tightened up and then did you say. anything or no that's it oh she blackout. complected I [ __ ] a window a black. hole yeah in her mind do you think now. he thinks you're a weirdo know that you. said that he laughed when you did that. oh okay that it was cute so he gets it. yeah she probably blushed coughed right. yeah yeah and then blacked out and he. was weird you guys are weird but I.
wanted to tell her is that Chinese girls. were weird yeah I want to know his name. so bad I'm not gonna say yeah we know I. don't know I mean what would I would. love to do is just to be listen okay. mmm-hmm what I would love to do is get. in contact with him I wish we could call. him on the show I know me too. I wish we could do that because you're. not he graduated already right yeah so. you're never gonna see him again. oh he's gonna college he's going to. college right you're never gonna see him.
again. what school is he going to do you know. you. never gonna you're not gonna and and. it's also I'm gonna be honest with you I. know for a fact right that one day that. you're gonna meet somebody so much. better much more better than that guy. Yeah right but I also want to be mindful. and know that she is a teenager mm-hmm a. teenager does get crushes we've all seen. that promo code feel taunt us at. checkout that's right it says oh do you.
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go to babble com use the promo code on. your three month subscription that's be. a BB al.com promo code bad friends. babble its language for life I had many. crushes in school do you remember your. first crush we're gonna had so many of. them but we did one that stood out the. most god I can give you I can give you. the first time I realized that I liked. that I liked girls like you know the. moment as a young boy but like you know. there's always a joke is like young you. super young boys are like no we go kiss. a girl it's like shut up dude [ __ ].
good yeah and at one point I was I was. with my dad and we were picking up my. cousin from her birthday party at Chucky. Cheese and I we walked in and I was. waiting for my dad to get my cousin in. my aunt and I look over and dude I. it's his vivid today as it's ever been. it was probably was problem I was. probably you know whatever 10 or 11 or. whatever yeah. she was Mexican girl she had to been 16. 17 she was a high school girl I could. tell and I was just a young little nerd.
and she was we think about her at nights. yes dude she was with her little sister. who was probably around my age Yeah. right and I look over and I saw this. tall girl she was really tall and had. this like beautiful dark skin and she. looked down I mean she smiled and I. swear to God my brain was like I like. those things I I don't know what it was. just whatever it was it clicked yeah. and and it just became this like so dark. you know that like dark skin.
dark hair yeah she was so pretty and her. smile looked out I mean you know when I. was a kid I probably thought she was 40. but she probably was 16 and I was I was. 10. you know when you see older kids you're. like yeah what are you forty-eight you. know like I'm 20 and you're like oh what. do you own a bank you know you have no. but that was my first moment of like. didn't have a crush on her but I. realized I was like oh man I like those. there's parts of me that misses that. young love when you when you like what. when you oh yeah when you get a crush so. hard that it's just it consumes your.
mind yeah 24 hours a day when you get. nervous all the time to talk to my. remember like um the fur I got it I got. set up on a date with this girl our. friends were like you guys need to you. guys need to be a couple you need to be. a couple in junior high I can't say her. name she was uh the first black girl. I've ever dated and she was the last. because they hit too hard but she was. but our friend set us up our mutual. friend set us up and then they would. call me together and it made me so.
nervous yeah talk to her with our other. friend listening yeah because I knew the. whole time you're like don't sound. stupid don't sound stupid don't see my. thumb and you're trying to be cute like. you remember being on the phone with. somebody until like 2:00 3:00 and then. won't you tomorrow either you just stay. on the phone all night until you fell. asleep you don't do that dude you guys. don't do that stuff do you know because. they have text and [ __ ] Instagram and. [ __ ] because for me when I was 23 I. would still had that high school thing. because I never got girls right yeah so. then I remember one time I met this girl.
and then I opened from Carlos Mencia in. San Antonio mhm. and I remember him yelling at me because. I used the condos phone from after the. show till 9:00 in the morning. and the condo was next to his we could. you could hear me the whole night and. the whole night I'm just like yeah so. what are you eating. I mean oh yeah I love those yeah avocado. young love right do you young love one. time I'm gonna tell you this story this. is so sad so I was a waiter at this.
restaurant which one it's called the. Brockton Villa ooh in San Diego in La. Jolla that's very nice I know I know. what that is it's on the cove yeah and. um look fit four years and then. girl that had the biggest crush on in. fact I hung out with her every day for. about a year in fact as a friend well I. did she know she didn't know about I had. this big crush on her in fact I would go.
to this coffee shop on my off days. because at one time I saw her there yeah. just I would stay there all day just in. case and then if I did but she never. came in there again right but it just in. case if I did run into her I'd be like. oh what are you doing here okay do you. like coffee yeah yeah so one night and. this is a year every day I would either. call her or hang out with her I would. ask for shifts that she was work because. she was right yeah so one day I go she.
was supposed to hang out with me and I. go um what are you doing it she goes I. know we were supposed to hang out but. I'm sick no you're not I go oh you're. sick okay cool so then my other friend. goes there's this party so I go to the. party and then some girl came up to me. she goes are you here with so-and-so. she's here right because she is she had. lied oh no and she's with someone else. yes and I'm looking all over the party.
for her oh it gets worse so then I hear. she's in this bedroom upstairs. yeah I'm not kidding you and then you. ain't sick you like she must be taking a. nap at the party yeah yeah she might be. tired so I walked in why would you do. that. she is hooking up with this guy yeah. obviously so I closed the door do you. say anything. no you just walk in and go she saw me. though yeah what are you doing and you.
got a really nice room sure good door. yeah yeah all right I never going out in. back of the party and they punched a. tree 50 times. [Laughter]. cuz you were just so angry and so hurt. yeah and she ended up marrying that guy. oh well then it's worth they have kids. oh that's worth it there huh did they. name they should have named one of their. kids Lea no but I remember. that hurts I remember still even after.
MADtv uh-huh cuz she'd they moved to San. Francisco and she would she doesn't live. lives like an outside an hour outside of. San Francisco huh I remember playing the. room there and that she would always. Drive you know I mean with her husband. Oh. by herself huh to come have lunch with. me that's really sweet sweet that's. really nice yeah so it started off bad. but it ended really nice I know it was. because that event happened right before. I did stand-up yeah and I believe that. that event drove me into doing stand-up.
really yeah there was a couple things I. was kicked out of a band yeah. collapse and superb we've seen love. you're relaxed and superb and then that. had happened and then also I had no. money and had no future I remember. sitting looking at my bank account and. said like 76 cents and I remember just. going I gotta call my parents for rent I. have no money. and then I remember going I have to do. something drastic or this is the life.
I'm gonna live yeah. just struggling yeah and so without and. then I'm never gonna meet anybody Oh. cause all those feelings are feelings of. doom I was 22 years old and you were. scared I was scared. and then at 23 I walked by the comic. store in La Jolla what's her name. the first name I know Ana thank you Anna. I thank you Anna and I walked by the. Comedy Store and it did help one it's on. and I knocked on the door that's. incredible that's how it worked for you. mm-hmm I'll tell you an embarrassing.
story that doesn't end so sweet tell me. my first year in college yeah a little. girl two doors down who I became friends. with we all became friends later but I. had such a crush on her I thought she. was so cool she was so cool dude and she. was pretty and she was nice and she was. athletic first name I give you mine. Carrie okay it's just she was so cool. yeah yeah and I was nervous I know and I. stupidly stupidly yeah wrote a note one.
night and slid it on it stop laughing. Rudy I wrote a note I know it's so lame. I wrote a note and I slid it under her. dorm. door okay did have a question yes or no. no it's just no it basically was like I. just want to let you know you know I. think you're so cool and I'd love to. hang out sometime and I was so nervous. and she never ever told me that she got. the note we never ever talked about.
oh poor Andrew he became friends but did. you ever walk by her we became really. close so basically but after that she. actually dated another friend of ours. alright but after that it was like in. the past at some point we all became. cool on our floor and hung out it was. real embarrassing yeah it's you know. what like it was those real and it. didn't happen moments yeah oh I didn't. get your note yeah she probably got it. and goes I have two for me too in order.
for me to move on in life yeah I had to. either accept this as reality or pretend. it didn't that's what happened I think. first of all she showed it to all the. other girls making fun of me all the. girls yeah well you know what that. stupid redheaded piece of [ __ ] loser. freak you know that unfuckable you know. what the freak said to me he thinks I'm. cute they're like yeah but you know what. I did to get back at some of the girls. that were being mean to me on the hall. floor a friend of ours worked at. Spencer's gifts you know Spencer's gifts.
in them all yeah and back and then they. used to sell sex toys to I don't know I. don't know if they do anybody don't they. did though I know they did yeah and so. they used to sell sex toys and we had a. friend get us a bunch of sex toys so we. got a bunch of big rubber dildos we used. to throw them at people on campus from. the bridge yeah and at night your frat. huh we're gonna friend no okay at night. this is just me and my guy friends me an. idiot but at night one of the girls in. the hall who was mean to me who would it. would end up being friends with a girl. that I liked she was just such a dick to. me for no reason she was doing laundry. and laundry was the doors were wide open.
so you could hear the laundry through. the halls if even if a nighted be quiet. the dryer I throw a bunch of dildos in. the dryer and turn it on yeah so for. five minutes until everyone woke up yeah. and she opened up and she's like there's. like five dildos inside her her laundry. and we all walked out like what's going. on. do that that's nuts but you know what. guys don't realize you know how like. some people the guys you know like you.
know will snap I don't get any [ __ ] and. they'll snap and they'll kill them all. yeah but these guys don't realize is. weak none of us got any yeah when you're. yes that's a part of growing up is these. frustrations of love loss or looking at. a suitable school don't know just get on. the internet and feverishly masturbating. that you're a college roommate doesn't. come home yeah. did you ever I had those sket you you. didn't really go to a college so like. ain't never they [ __ ] you well no you. didn't I didn't but I had worries all. the time of timing if my roommate was. like going out I knew I could masturbate.
and he'd be like I'm gonna go to the gym. for a while I'm like how long's a while. I'm like an hour I'm like okay and like. the moment he's gone six but I didn't. know but I did live in my early 20s with. six guys in San Diego and in a 3-bedroom. apartment Oh two guys to a room no. people lived on the living room just. spread out and yeah right and that we. lived with a Christian okay with a. minute weather with the man of God he. was he he was no no just a mint devout.
born-again Christian oh so he was. hard-headed guy no offense no offense. taken and Alex and then I remember one. time coming home from work and he's. crying on the couch and I go what's the. matter and in his hand was one of my. hustler Magazine's oh you pervert I know. and I go and he gets up he goes how dare. you lay these things around so that I. could sin and I go these pages are all.
stuck together he goes I'm masturbating. [Laughter]. he was also a guy and he blamed me i. sinning. you made him masturbate but i just left. it like right out in the open in the. bathroom or something oh yeah i can't. poop without getting a boner. this piece of [ __ ] too would get Sunny. Delight love Sunny D sunny dis delicious. so good and I couldn't afford Sunday.
delight that's how poor I was yeah and. but I was stealing Sunny Delight. and he came up to me excuse me um I work. very hard and um you know I've been. saving my money to get the Sunny Delight. and I go yeah he goes and I would have. really appreciated that if you um not. drink out of my Sunny Delight and and. for me to figure out and I have a system. now see this line so he would take a. black marker and mark every time he had. a drunk he would drink and Mark it idiot. idiot right because what I would do is.
fill it with water so eventually it was. just water he still doesn't want to. believe it too he's just like the Sun II. know like tastes watery but it still. makes Sunny Delight yeah we lived in a. house ila I had a when I first moved out. here yeah I lived in a 2-bedroom 1-bath. and it was three of us sharing one. bathroom I lived in a old dining room a. partition off dining room but my most. fun too many guys house was my second.
year in college we all lived together. and we were our house was a constant. revolving door of just people coming and. going and partying and hanging out and. there were no rules and people could. just do whatever they wanted that's how. kind of all of those houses were in. college yeah and one of my buddies this. was great we got kicked out of a party. because one one guy in our group was. trying to got into an argument or a. fight with some dudes right yeah and my. buddy says nobody says all right let's. get the [ __ ] out of here before. something crazy happens we leave we get. in the car and we're all [ __ ] we're. all shit-faced by the way badge and no.
drinking and driving is bad our driver. was sober I bet but he goes [ __ ] those. guys I go yeah it's [ __ ] sucks we. always party over there that sucks he. goes I got him good I was like what did. you do and he just holds up an Eightball. a pool ball he was I stole the red ball. from their pool table it's like why what. are we gonna he goes you know how hard. it is to buy one single pool ball and. all those [ __ ] idiots are gonna buy a. whole new ball pool ball sack that was. his revenge yeah will you like I was. like whoo laughs yeah we were like well.
I was like that's cool but what made you. think of that in here I just saw it I. was I about I'll [ __ ] take from them. I'm gonna take a pool ball for breath. that's pretty cool don't never never. you're never gonna know where when this. is the same guy this is my old college. roommate who the same guy he was so so. depressed he. he's gonna listen to this he was so. depressed that he failed math for like. the end teenth time and we were at a. party and he was sitting with his butt. on the floor and his back against the. couch and he had a handle of Jack.
Daniels mm-hmm sitting in his lap and I. go come on man you you're being really. weird man you can't do this kind of. stuff at a party like people are gonna. be [ __ ] freaked out that like this. weirdos blacked out by himself as I kid. up you either got to go home or you got. a party with us yeah and he no [ __ ] he. just goes oh and I go are you gonna. throw up and he goes oh and he looks up. in the sky and he bought fountain throws. up like a 2 3 feet in the sky but I. respect him he held his shirt out and he. caught it in his shirt I'm not kidding. witness in his shirt and he and he go he.
goes take me outside and I have to pick. him up and he's wiping puke off of his. shirt and I go you are you gonna go home. he goes I think it's time I think it's. time to go home. this guy was it he was he was a the best. guy to party with but also like you yeah. who knows what's gonna happen right who. knows where it's gonna go I have a. friend named Nathan I swear to god he. was in the Blue Man Group shut up I. swear to God like the Blue Man Group. wasn't it's not always the same guy I. know there's a million I was a million.
of them right yeah but he was an. alcoholic Nathan right and my friend. kalisto tell told me and Nathan backed. it up you know my friend kalisto yeah. yeah. so um Nathan was completely drunk in. Vegas doing the Blue Man Group mm-hmm. and he was a blackout drunk right and he. vomited into his drums but then he the. colors are getting out of the truck is. insane speaking of my friend kalisto so. meet my friend kalisto and I lived in. Silver Lake we had we every day with.
there's an El Pollo Loco across the. street and we would buy a B BRC burrito. what is that bean rice and cheeseburger. oh yeah yeah and we would split it in. half and that was our meal there our. dollar that was all you could afford. that's all we could afford for the day. yeah Wow. and we would have it was thinking back. these arguments like like over the phone. bill you know how you would get enraged. oh yeah he'd just be like we live a. silver egg.
[Laughter]. like those kind of arguments when you're. so poor yeah now it'd be like oh you. know you don't even look at the 76 cent. well there is no phone bill anymore I. know that exist before cellphones when. your the arguments of when you're so. poor like the arguments when you're so. bright first roommate my first roommate. ripped up the carpet in our house when I. first moved here yeah and I came home I. said what the [ __ ] you doing he goes.
there's wood floors under here man I was. like what the [ __ ] we have to pay for. that [ __ ] and he's like I know we'll. just tell the landlord there's wood. floors man and I was like yeah dude we. [ __ ] you ripped up the carpet he was. just like well I don't know what to do. and I was like I'm not paying a [ __ ]. security deposit I get all mine back. yeah [ __ ] you I'm not paying any of that. [ __ ] crazy arguments when you're yeah. because you're so nervous that's gonna. collapse you I mean III had panic. attacks that they were gonna come get my. car my first car that I had that I was. leasing yeah I was so nervous that I.
wasn't gonna pay the bills that I. thought because I'd seen or heard of. those things where they repo your car. and they come just take it from you even. if your shits in it they're like it's. ours I know so I used to have panic. attacks in the middle of the night that. want because I didn't pay a bill and I. was like they're gonna just take my. [ __ ] car and then I won't be able to. go to my shitty job to make my shitty. rent and then they'll kick me out of. this place I used to have those tumbling. thoughts every night every single night. I had emotional feelings toward objects. because of the experiences yeah cuz they.
meant so much I'm not even kidding you I. had a white so when I moved to LA I hit. a white Toyota truck and I you know my. friend Jonathan Kasich who wasn't he was. a comic who I started with he asked him. there were no windows in the truck in. the cab you're all blown out there are. no windows yeah so you would be in the. winter driving down you know I mean four.
or five you'd be so cold. imagine the wind. yeah and I remember I would park at LAX. to go on the road and I'd come back. right and I remember one time I came. back and there was a one of those locks. on the wheels oh oh they booted they. were do did you get money yeah that. couldn't pay it no I'm not kidding you I. walked up to the truck I put my hand on.
the hood and i weeped it's like as if. somebody had died because somebody did. die cuz I would never see that truck. again oh did you never see it again. no oh because I had to let it go I. couldn't get it back so I remember going. thank you like I remember saying it. things to it like thank you so much for. Tia wanna remember we got in the car. accident we got away with when we hit. that guy we killed him and no one knows. but you and me yeah and and I I remember. just so many experiences in that truck.
yep it means so much and when you're. poor it means so much to you yeah yeah. it's well and you know what honestly. yeah that's why my table at my house. doesn't have any Nick's in it you want. me to bring the story around that's. exactly why because I had so little of. anything that now never I appreciate. what my story was is going through. real-life experiences no drugs an object. right I understand you bought this. [ __ ] thing from Ikea I know I need.
it right you just do it in your house. you don't go [ __ ] about I picked that. table very very demo what experiences oh. we had meals here mm-hmm yeah we've had. nice conversations there when the panty. broke out I cried over Italy if I walked. you went to your house I go here how. much was that good well let's just say. let's just suppose that was three grand. the dinner table yeah it wasn't $3,000. thousand whatever it might know what is. wrong hundred dollars it was like 20. grand no no I don't know I don't even.
remember what if I gave you the 20 grand. and I took a [ __ ] you know it wasn't. 20 [ __ ] whatever it was and I think a. [ __ ] chainsaw I here's 20 grand and I. [ __ ] couldn't have you would not cry. no if you gave me 20 grand that's so. stupid I could buy 10 new tables happy. America happy America the greatest. country. in the world be blessed God loves you. I'm the best thank you for being a bad. friend. [Music].
move all of you. for those you love you. [Music].
I begin to shock. fight with my dad fight with my dad. fight was my day make up get drunk with. my dad Oh winds up. oh it's on both of you like before the.
blow it's a whole new life. [Music].
