Bobby’s Ideal Woman NY Edition ft. Ali Macofsky | Ep 134 | Bad Friends

hey bad friends I'm shooting my special. I'm shooting my stand-up special this. weekend this Saturday in Denver Colorado. Denver Colorado come on out my last two. shows I'm doing on this tour and then. we're not touring for a long time until. Bobo and I go do bad friends live. sometime next year so this Saturday. September 24th I'm doing two shows 700. to 9:30 Andrew Santino dcom is where you. get the tickets Denver come out and see. me shoot my special Andrew Santino. [Music]. docomo white dude an Asian dude you two.

are. disgusting you two are something we're. bad friends why do people have to. understand your temperament because they. have to know who I am to know who I am. we're in New York I know I know I know. we're in New yor York in New York baby. your New York impression is so bad it's. un New York hey how you doing hey baby. in Walking in the Rain I do a little. accent in it go ahead hey baby how you. doing baby how you doing yeah yeah it's. got like a Rican Vibe no hey guys we're.

in New York City we're in New York New. York we're in New York teach me how to. teach teach me how to talk I I'll it. nobody there's there's a bunch of. different New York New York New York no. do give me like three sentences in a row. and I'm going to try to um all right. this is my best New York and wolf can. give me a thumbs up if it's good okay. this is my best New York ready yeah. oh hey that's how they do us when they. go California dude everyone sounds like. that dude New York sounds like us they.

sound unless they're oh you don't like. New York I don't like it why have we've. been having so much fun no I have fun. with you but why you don't like the city. it's just like you know you go down to. the lobby of the hotel and everyone's. working they're on laptops they're doing. things're what are they doing jobs what. jobs this is what it's like to live in. LA nobody works I love it nobody works I. love lazy but everyone at a coffee shop. is doing like a [ __ ] screenplay. that's never going to get made at least. out here they're doing business real. jobs are they or are they on YouTube. most of them are on YouTube yeah yeah. yeah but half of their job might be.

YouTube based another thing is is that. like this is I've never seen this before. in my life you'll see like a 12-year-old. kid yeah alone yes wandering the streets. wandering the streets in like working or. they're working yeah but they're they're. in a prep school outfit yep right and. they're just going to school in the big. city yeah don't they get captured all. the time and they don't care the parents. don't care we just got to make a new kid. that's right you can you have more nut. juice to make there's so many there's. more nut juice here in New York unit.

States yep you can Google it there's. more nut juice in New York than there is. in any state in the United States really. yep I got a lot of nut juice man you're. not you're not as big as New York have. you ever I know I know have you ever. gotten your nut juice tested what do you. mean in terms of how many the your. Seaman count four four at a time can I. tell you I just got mine you how many. how many 98.6 million at one time one. load 98.6 million sperm oh I should get. mine tested you got to see who's got. stronger jizz oh you think you have.

stronger I think I have more swimmers. for sure well mine are waiting oh yours. are waiting mine are not waiting waiting. yeah waiting waiting in the water w. a waiting in the water they're just kind. of flow you yeah they're relaxing. they're bobbing in the Gs they're. bobbing yeah Bob in the yours is like. working yeah yeah yeah yeah my jizz are. so anxious to get you know mine are. jerking up making more jizz your jizz. are jerk my my jizz jerks off and makes. more jizz that makes sense and then. those Wade I want to get you T to see.

how many you have cuz I bet you you you. probably have a ton I probably have a. lot you know I've gotten women pregnant. before how many. times twice two times yeah and they were. both carried to term no you have two. kids well in heaven they'll be up there. are they whites they're kilas oh they're. both kilas yeah yeah that's cute so I'm. going to go up on to heaven when I die. and see and thanks a lot. dad that's my biggest fear cuz they're. Souls right yeah but that's if you. believe in that some people believe in. that I I think there are certain.

religions that believe that you see your. uh uh unborn child after death I don't. or what if you see just two sperm up. there yeah they don't talk and they're. just like mad but they don't say. anything we didn't get to get to develop. little angry sperm yeah yeah maybe you. do see them in the you think mine have. little Chinese eyes like this well. that's why they're bumping into. everything they can't see where they're. going do you think your sperm has red. hair bright bright red hair that's how. it gets through the tunnel just it can. see better through the tunnel cuz they.

look like flaming hot Cheetos your yeah. yeah but if you miniaturize it that's. why when I come I go oh it burns it. hurts when it comes out do your tum burn. every time it comes out because you have. red hair yeah wow if it didn't have red. hair it wouldn't burn so much when you. were a kid and you saw the red hair were. you bummed sad yeah I'm bummed for you. yeah me too it's such a weird color. right wolf like you have beautiful black. hair it's cool relevant right don't try. don't try this thing that you're doing. no he likes me no don't try that thing. that you're doing we have gi you have.

beautiful black hair no we do we have a. good thing going right just doing that. thing and you is is he doing the thing. he do no he loves it dude beautiful. black hair you're like a white girl from. the suburbs I love your black hair what. you people do with your hair WF is that. what you're feeling what you people do. with your hair is so fun yeah I love. your black hair don't put me in that box. that is you I did that yeah K you're a. you're an Asian Karen you're Kina.

I love your black hair you think there. are katas kinas yeah I bet you there's. got to be a Karen an Asian Karen I've. never seen it what's it what's cuz Karen. is the hacky white woman name what's a. what are you doing in the park with a. skateboard huh I you know this is p of. property some kid with a SK ASI kid with. a skate what do you what do you mean you. mean no she only does it the white kids. white kids that are skating in the Park. yeah get out of here yeah yeah why you. grinding yeah don't you yeah this is Pap. Pap you don't grind but she knows the.

lingo right she's like I saw your Tre FP. it was bad you treay FP in I saw that. brunt you know Tre flips brunt slide. Bron slide. yeah flip it over do a dark SL side do a. dark slide if you're really skill yeah. you're skill [ __ ] get out of here. that not 360 flip the hot flip H flip. hard flip yeah yeah yeah what's what's a. what's the most common what's a sh. shitty Asian woman name then that's the. Karen for Asians cuz Karen is the white. woman name yeah I don't really know a.

lot of Asian ladies names what's the. most common Korean female. name well you know you see a lot of. Graces yeah Grace but that sounds nice. yeah cuz Karen has a bite to it Karen it. the K is that's only because of Good. Fellas oh Karen yeah yeah he [ __ ] it. up for Karen you think Ray leoda did. that yeah Leota did that Karen what why. would you do that Karen I was scared she. dumped all the coke Carol was cool was a.

hot cool name it's like Hitler Adolf he. [ __ ] it up there's always one thing. that [ __ ] it up what did he do dude. Adolf I don't remember but Adolf was. cool before he did that the name Adolf. dude everybody had Adolf and now you. can't do it now you can't do it uh oh uh. oh who's. here nobody oh when another person with. beautiful black hair go ahead and say it. to them and see what they say so many. beautiful blackhaired people here see. that's why you love New York New York. and Har.

beautiful black hair guys literally. Never Been to Harlem no idea where it is. what part where is it how do you get to. Harlem from here Subway yeah but in your. face which direction can you get to the. sub can you get to Harlem with the. subway sure of course you can get. anywhere in your [ __ ] face what. direction south south of here north. north of here you go north that's right. yeah yeah but like where north north. where Northeast Northeast yeah okay and. then West is it past the park or below. the below the park there's so many parks. that's Central Park is the Park yeah nor. it's north of the Park yeah okay is it.

not it is end of [ __ ] game you did it. end of [ __ ] game where's. Queens oh this is West no it's East well. it's Northeast of here we're. downtown we're downtown we're the we're. almost I don't know where I am oh we're. downtown we're downtown oh then it's. [ __ ] East well it's up and East yeah. up and East yeah up I didn't know where. my location was so yeah it's cool man I. like going over there you do love New. York where we been so much fun the whole.

time we've been here yesterday we went. to Staten Island and we went and did. Chrissy Chaos's podcast and he took us. for good good pizza really good pizza. and then it's like the people that work. there are so new yorky but that was the. first New York like really new yorky. kids I've saw Staten Island kids yeah. they were like you know um we met a cool. chick who said her her boyfriend was a. big fan you feel an indifference what do. you mean like they don't care about you. at all they're just cooler they're. cooler than they above it or whatever. well you didn't like it he doesn't like. not getting recognized when we walk. through the streets so stupid Bobby.

doesn't like getting not recognized what. did you say to me yesterday why lie on. the show you said to me you go you know. people said that people notice me more. in Brooklyn than they do in Manhattan. did you say that to me yes or no yeah as. a factual thing but what was it rooted. in you like being rooted into. happiness dude why do you do this why do. you do this you like being recognized no. I don't yes you fous do you love. it that's why you walk slow behind me. when we walk the streets together you. walk slow behind me like PES because you.

want to be recognized no can I say. something you don't want be Rec you want. get real then go ahead all right when. we're walking up here right some kid. right goes you're Andrew Santino you go. yeah and he goes can you help with. cancer and kids with cancer kids with. cancer and you go [ __ ] off and you. walked off cuz I don't kids with cancer. forget about are adults with cancer I. might think about I was signing the. paperwork but kids I was getting my. email yeah I gave him 40 bucks Bobby's. mad because I said I'm sorry we have to. keep going goes can you have a sec you. know those people that are like can you. have do you have a second for kids with. answer it's like yeah I do but not now.

now is not a good time for whatever. you've got me on the sidewalk doing and. Bobby's mad because he didn't recognize. him isn't that true you didn't like it. that he didn't recognize you your smile. say know you but how does he your smile. says it how does he know you and not me. Davey I'm on a television show right now. oh yeah you're on a television show but. it's not as. popular it is it actually is going to be. bigger well it's not bigger it's just no. reservation dogs it's it's just more. relevant no that doesn't mean any it's.

my show is definitely more relevant no. that's not my Show's more popular mine's. more more important important for what. Native it was the first you're not. native the show is about natives I know. you contributing it you shouldn't be hon. we cousins you're not native we're. cousins Koreans and Native Americans are. not cousins you don't have you're so. stupid sometimes I'm closer to Native. Americans than you are I talk to. them I'm in Oklahoma talking to them cuz. you have you're getting paid to be no no. no and I me you wouldn't do it otherwise. drink water yeah Mr Bob drink water yeah.

yeah yeah the the clan the drink. drinking water and deer in water no deer. in wateran Deer in water deer in water. yeah deer and water the family well. that's offensive they go hey did you. know I'm not going to do the accent do. the accent no I won't do they said did. you know right that we're cousins and I. go how there's a theory you know this. Theory right M A lot of people believe. right that Asians crossed the bearing. straight came down from Canada and. that's where natives come from but. there's another theory.

that native started first and they. crossed the other way and made Ching. chongs which one do you believe I. believe it's all [ __ ] I think we all. came from Africa and the Earth [ __ ]. hit the Iraq hit the [ __ ] Earth and. then everyone was divided up on. different if you go to 23 and me or any. geneticists right 23 and me is not valid. by the way that's a private company or. ancestry another private company they. solve crimes they use that for crimes. they're colle DNA they can create so.

they know [ __ ] right we very close in. chromosomes no you're not yeah all look. it up dude just Google it I will Google. it yeah you're the farthest away from. being a minority I am the number one. minority on Earth no redheads are the. smallest population Earth of the white. people no no I'm the superior white I'm. the superior white not I'm the super all. have defects and you're the defective. one I'm the top white the redhe heads. are the ones that came out all you know. what I mean top white no they're not and. wolf is laughing he knows what I'm. talking about blessed us the most it's.

like when you see an albino black person. which is fine oh oh this is interesting. I love them let's go there what go ahead. take a shot they're the good ones oh. they're the good ones they're the. special ones are regular black people. bad ones no they're all good oh all. black people are good as all good bot so. all lives matter is that what you're. saying yeah all no just black just why. why you I wanted you to say so bad I. wanted you to say it's so bad what all I. love black lives but you love all lives. I believe that black lives matter is.

more important than all lives matter but. you've said to me before all lives. definitely matter you've said that in. yeah like theoretically and also. philosophically yeah I disagree it all I. think almost no lives matter oh you you. go against the grain I think only a. couple of lives matter yeah like 10. people matter but in Our Moment In in. the American history right black lives. matter because that's the focal point. that's that's who are being targeted by. police right yeah and so it's like and. by your people.

oh you think Asians are [ __ ]. targeting black Koreans are the number. one target target targeting black people. number one people it's all over the. paper 100% true the amount of the. attacks in this city on Korean black. liquor we sell black. [Laughter]. people we're symbiotic you know what I. wanted I wanted to start off with a. happiness exercise go ahead I want you. to see this girl will you show him that. girl please why are we starting it now. wait you I want you to cuz I want us I. want us to get into this this. we need to Humble our mood cuz we're.

getting too fast too hot and heavy oh. too fast I found this girl on Tik Tok. last night yeah and I watched all her. videos maybe maybe 10 times a okay watch. this can you full screen that watch this. beautiful girl she gives you these. breathing and sound exercises I want to. try one.

what is it she's dead serious it's what. is it PA Push pause it's a language it's. a new language play any of the other. ones she. has you do one what does it say up top. what does this one say soul heart. opening right so if you want to open. your soul heart. yeah you just sound [ __ ] Scottish. that's what she's doing no she's not you.

sound like [ __ ] williiam Wallace then. you do it will that's what he did when. he was fighting William then you do it. right that's the Asian sound. opening you sounded Asian even when you. try not yeah yeah let me ask you. something she speaking to the universe. if you were hook him with a girl and she. was doing that would you stop I'd come. in seconds you would if she started. going I. wouldn't i' be done in a second how.

could you stop I would be so my dick. would just soften in her vagina Wa Would. you go back would you be in character. would you and then when I pull out it. would be like [ __ ] a gum piece of gum. like yeah I like I would be so [ __ ]. soft would you would you would you play. along though a little bit if she started. going would you just. go baby it would be hot as [ __ ] you turn. into a bird that's roleplay dude it. would be so annoying let give me the. other there's one more I think where it. says like happiness exercise or. something like that there's one that.

what is. that she's so annoyed. dude I love this girl it does feel good. though see oh so it did work it does. work all right. let [ __ ] it feels. so I feel do it you do it. [Music]. it does work I feel good so much better.

clean yeah shout out to this chick what. is her profile name on there Soul heart. opening Soul heart opening do you feel. like your soul in your heart is opening. up a little bit a little bit because I. got to tell you you've been happier than. you've ever been lately I've seen you. smile a lot more yeah you danced in your. room naked this morning didn't you over. the city of New York you told me you. open the blinds and you just Whirled. around the room no because I just like. being here I know but I'm saying you say. you you love waking up in the morning in. a new city and you were in the window. naked dancing because you know we you.

know we were in the pandemic for so long. and you didn't get to go to hotels I. didn't get to do any of it and it's just. like you know I just feel a little Freer. that's all it's nice to go well I think. it's also not being at home sometimes. because you wake up at home it's the. same exercise that you always do you get. up you take a [ __ ] you do this you do. that make coffee you have the same. pattern at least when you wake up in a. new city there's no timeline have you. ever had. jockish what have you ever had jock itch. jock itch yeah are you having it I had a. couple weeks ago I think it's gone now.

how did you get a jock you're not a jock. how would you get that I know I never. did anything I don't do a well you know. you just shaved your pubes that maybe. it's is that what it is yeah no but it's. not even on the Pew part it was off the. side on your thigh yeah well because. your thigh between the sack and the sack. and the thigh but your thighs rubb. together yeah yeah yeah well that's why. have you but does that ever happen to. you no I'm in shape you need to do you. need to just get some baby powder and. put it on the inside of your little. little tiny Asian thighs can we get some. afterwards 100% to Dwayne. Reedy baby part baby b po how how much.

does that cost like $7 or $800 for just. like a little six o how much does it. cost it's like 10 bucks oh 10 bucks okay. okay yeah you're scared now about money. you I just watched you order a whole. lunch that you didn't even eat I know. because I don't like buying things that. I'm only going to use. once that's exactly what you do I know. that's like your I'm trying to change my. weight how many vape pens do you have. with you on vacation now or on on the. trip on me right now yeah oh let's go. through not a lot let's go through I got. one what's that one called this is uh. elf bar tropical rainbow blast elf bar I.

have this one Flume Flume oh iceberry. lemon ooh I have this one ice Cola by. fog Xbox okay oh Xbox does that now 360. or or I got another one it's this. is Cola another. Cola I got this one what Vietnamese. coffee Vietnamese coffee that one's good. I have this. one it's called um tobacco just a couple.

I. guess that's. it we went shopping and bought Bob show. everybody your bag that we bought. yesterday from Fall what's how do you. say fall is it fall. Raven yeah fall Raven I I think they're. Swedish yeah I got it be yeah I really. like this these bags fall Raven fall. Raven and we walked in there and uh the. guy says to Bobby okay okay come on it's. funny don't hurt me Bobby goes I just. want a bag I know exactly what I want I. want like a strap and the girl says I. use this one they're so dope and so.

Bobby sees it and goes that is dope can. I have the yellow one yeah she pulls it. down and we go up to the front and. there's a dude there was joke that you. said what did I say when I picked the. yellow one no you first picked the. orange no when I picked the yellow one. you go oh it matches the skin your skin. and then she goes oh oh that's. uncomfortable she goes you can say that. I can't say that yeah something like. that I said well it'll blend right in. you won't even know that you're wearing. it yeah and the guy at the front desk. goes he goes oh man Bobby Lee and I go. yes it is and the guy goes man I used to.

watch you on TV how come you're not on. TV no more and I said he is on TV still. he's on a couple of TV shows and he goes. nah man I ain't seen you on TV no more. it was awesome why do you like that. because it was funny cuz and his friend. in the back was laughing dying laughing. dying laughing well because they don't. know that it's mean he doesn't mean it. mean right right he's not it's not mean. I was fine no no it but it it stays with. you yeah it does stay with you but it's. fine it's fine I mean he yeah people do. it all the time look when people say to. me something like uh oh you're in that.

show and I'll go yeah and they go I. don't really like that show but you're. funny but I don't like that show how. does that hurt you're good in it yeah. but they're it's better than it's better. than what have you been doing for 20. years no but but basically it's the same. thing it's like saying like I don't like. that thing but I think you're okay all. right but it's like well don't I don't. need to know that yeah you don't need to. tell me you don't like it if you don't. like it that's okay but I don't need to. know that you don't like it that's weird. as [ __ ] yeah it's like every time I walk. past a restaurant and if out loud I went. I don't like Al shal and just said it to.

the guy at the front yeah and he's like. oh okay like yeah I don't like it but. okay bye I remember when I did the movie. The Dictator I was sitting there at The. Comedy Store bill bwock by and goes saw. the dictator hated it but you're good. and that's made that still felt good. yeah but from Bill Burr it's fine yeah. yeah from a guy on the street it's. different that's true Bill Burr is. someone you respect it's a colleague. it's a [ __ ] you know what I mean this. episode is brought to you byid wallet oh. my God this is a future wallet I I can't. I can't I can't even believe not. everyone has this wallet there's over 30.

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coupon code is bad bepoke post oh I love. bepoke post you know you know why they. do the box of awesome yeah and what you. do is you fill out a little quiz right. at box ofawesome.com and you will get. the best gift for anybody or or yourself. they release new boxes every single. month across a ton of different. categories and each box is valued at. around $70 but you're going to pay a. fraction of the price in each box you're. supporting a small business 90% of. everything that comes in your box of. awesome is from a small upand coming.

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ofawesome.com and enter the code badf. friends checkout that's box. ofawesome.com code badf friends for 20%. off your first box box ofw.com code is. bad. friends do you get nervous when you talk. to. him not anymore but I know what you're. saying it's I get nervous it's not. nervous it's um you're thinking about. what you're saying yeah you're thinking. about it and also you're you're ready. yeah yeah I'm loaded like I'm loaded I. have a thing I want to say yeah yeah and. sometimes you'll go don't worry about. I'm not going to attack you today.

sometimes sometimes right but I'm like. up you're on guard yeah I'm like that. with Chris Rock like with Chris Rock. Around Mar I never talk to him but I'll. always I and then when he locks eyes. I'll always give him a pound go what's. up man this and that right but I'm. always so aware of it why are we like. that. because because we respect them maybe. but I respect disano I don't feel that. way with him no no but but we respect. them in a way that they're kind of like. a superior in comedy to us they are. superior yeah 100% [ __ ] rock are.

Legend yeah I mean it's just because. because we respect him at a higher level. like Stephano is our peer she he's our. friend we love his stuff but it's. different he's our friend in peer we're. like rock or bur those guys I don't know. we hold them on a little bit of a higher. thing you know I think we do like I like. I've seen Colin Quinn here at the Sellar. and I don't dare say hello you don't. never he doesn't know who the [ __ ] I am. and that's fine but also I would never. even introduce myself who is that Colin. Quinn yeah are you [ __ ] shut up.

you're so annoying I know I wouldn't. even say hi I don't but why would I say. hi he doesn't know me and also I don't. want to do that thing where you go hey. I'm a. comic and then he'll go so can I ask you. something just annoyed me the other day. that I did no something that I I saw and. then I kind of mentioned it to some. people and they go what's the big deal. what so I'm doing the Improv on a. Saturday. night at on Melrose yeah yeah and. there's a guy on the lineup before me.

and it's you know it's a Saturday main. room right and I I got off stage and he. was outside passing out his. flyer for gigs that he's doing what yeah. he's hey come check me out here I'm. headline check me out wait wait go like. this and say who it was I don't know his. name I didn't even memorize his name I. was like what but he was a kid and he. was on the main room show and yet he's. out there just going hey my name is this. come check me out I kind of respect the. hustle I'm not going to lie H really.

he's got a hustle what the [ __ ] he's got. a hustle I don't know yeah but that's. not how you was he funny yeah well then. respect but that's not how you do it how. do you do it my theory is this you do. the work and people will come to you but. maybe he's not as good as you Bobby so. he needs good he made it to the main. room show but maybe he needs the hustle. to grow because the times are different. when you made it when you made it it was. different let me say something you made. it 20 years ago 30 years ago 40 years. ago maybe that's funny you made it a. long time ago that's funny you made it.

when mity was like 18 I mean she was a. kid when you made it old jokes I love it. you got past hey [ __ ] you man you got. past when you were a thin burgeoning. your eyes were wide well your eyes were. open to the. Future you were wide-eyed and bushy tail. so you're doing old jokes and Asian eyes. jokes at the same time what what you. think something's changed around the. show just cuz we're in New York my point. is is this okay is back in my day it was. harder would you say that in the '90s no.

it was different there was no internet I. know and now all these kids are. competing on the internet so it's even. harder for them now they have nothing. but competition now the competition is. right next to them instead you had to go. live and do it in front of people I. think it's a different kind of. difficulty you can't compare it this is. like the Jordan [ __ ] you know like. Jordan LeBron debate or whatever any of. these athletes from different eras it's. like you can't it's not Apples to Apples. it's impossible there's no so many. factors that changed in our profession.

that you just I there's no way to say. that was harder I'm sure old heads would. say it you just changed my mind I love. you you did like Seinfeld would probably. be like it was way harder back then but. you're like because maybe if I worked. harder maybe I would be. bigger bigger than what what you're big. how big do you want to what do you want. to be what does that even mean I don't. know you're as big as you want to be. exactly so you're great okay wolf loves. you wolf likes me no he loves you you. know what I love his black hair.

yep [ __ ] it's beautiful the amount of. letters the amount of letters we're. going to get for this what you guys. should not joke around about that stuff. about what oh you know dude you know you. know what I have to learn that you can't. like you know how when I'm on stage I'll. touch people's. hair don't do that at all you don't do. that I do it all the time I've told you. you can't touch people yeah so I touch. people's hair I go hi welcome to the. show right yeah but I learn not to do it. to black women's hair they don't like it.

yeah that that's that I mean that's like. I think you get five to seven years from. yeah they don't like it I think that's a. big [ __ ] it's a big no no also if you. get punched or slapped because of it. then then you deserve it yeah but here's. the have you ever gotten violent like an. attack verbally but you've never been. physically assaulted no oh I mean a guy. threw a shoe at me in San Diego at the. La Hoya comedy store oh he did it was. the funniest I laugh I died laughing oh. did you dodge like George Bush did when. he remember when he did that and I and I. throw the other yeah he threw a sand.

that's when I respected George Bush by. the way 100% I hated him before like go. dude that his eye contact he ducked yeah. he looked he did this with his head too. little Bobby yeah dude man but I was I. also wanted the guy to throw the other. shoe I was like throw the second Shoe. Right two shoes now you're going to W. now you're going to be on one shoe they. tackled him did they it's hard to for. the second shoe I don't know man he got. one off when you throw one shoe at a. president you have a split second time. you got to each shoe in a hand oh yeah. yeah he he didn't think it through no. it's an IDI Al oh come on in Ally hi.

Ally makovski is here a Los Angeles. based comedian did you do your hair. appointment who was in New York doing. shows she canceled a hair appointment to. come here because she said it's raining. anyway appointment no no why bring the. mic up well first of all you guys I felt. like an idiot you called me to do the. podcast I'm like I have a hair. appointment and then I was like what the. [ __ ] am I doing Alan makovski is here. she's a little sister to me um she's. been on the road with me now my little. birdie flies as free as she could ever. FES so she doesn't need to come with me. anymore she's a headliner and she's.

going to be doing the show with us in. grammar SE which when this episode comes. out it'll be over yeah and I probably. did so well you know but you know you. almost mad did you do well because when. you first asked her she goes I can't I. have a hair appointment yeah right and. then at that point I was just like wow. wow we can't beat a hair appointment. yeah and then you called back and then. you said I'm coming yeah yeah cuz it was. one of those thing I hate having cancel. on appointments and things like that I.

feel like it's so disrespectful yeah but. I also made the appointment last minute. so I'm like they weren't even they. haven't even thought about me for more. than 30 but how long did it take you to. go call us back literally as soon as I. hung up I was like what am I doing she. texed me right away yeah but you know. what's so interesting you tell me cuz I. don't know with Guy Hair it doesn't it's. different but girls hair is a whole. [ __ ] thing it's super expensive it's. a long process when you cancel are they. really upset if it's like been in the. book and there's a whole process but I'm.

just getting a blowout I just want. someone to wash my hair there's nothing. better than someone else scrubbing your. SC yeah why can't you wash yourself I. can but then they use women are lazy. dude is that what it is La they're so. lazy so lazy I grew up with my D I grew. up with a single father okay Bobby I. didn't know that yeah it was just my dad. well she also had a single mom too and a. single mom but I wasn't with her as much. why why why why why why um she's an. alcoholic oh no not anymore no still. she's still in the game wait she still. Dr she hasn't hung up the jersey yet she.

goes she goes long periods of time. without it so it's just you never know. how come I never hung out with your mom. she rocks you drinking yeah yeah next. time she's on a bender I'll love to. party with your mom go down to Long. cocaine too no she's like very much like. she does cocaine nobody nobody drinks. that much and doesn't do cocaine how do. you think they keep drinking I think she. likes to sleep oh she sleep she big on. the sleeping so she's anti anti- coke. anti- coke she's like a very naturally. High High strong person she's got a lot. of energy she lives cleaning the house.

where does she live um in the bay or in. the Bay Area in the South Bay in by Long. Beach yeah so what that's Long Beach. well she's from down there oh you are. yeah oh but but I I never learned how to. do my own hair I don't want to I like. when someone else does it oh well. because you grew up with mostly your dad. dad didn't do your hair did and I had. two older sisters but they didn't want. to show me how to do it they also were. struggling to figure out how to do it. yeah I've seen their hair I get that mhm. neither of them know what they're when. did you when did you first get sober I.

got. sober when I was like I think 20 did I. know you then or no I don't think so. yeah yeah I don't think so I think we. only knew. each well actually how old were you. about it when we met I mean I feel like. I I don't know because I feel like I saw. you guys at the store a lot cuz I was. just lingering there as a young open. micer I was like getting [ __ ] up at. The Comedy Store under age bad girl it. was bad I could have gotten them in.

trouble they did get in a load of. trouble at one point do you remember. this oh my God they got in so much. [ __ ] trouble cuz they sent in the. LAPD had found out that they people were. getting [ __ ] up there and a mom of of. a kid called the police on The Comedy. Store and said my kid got [ __ ] up. there they got in trouble blah blah blah. they sent an undercover this is back in. is this true yes this is Tommy days. though oh okay it's a completely. different business I've been there since. the '90s it's just night and day it's. like it used to Bea people used to run. chaos chaos it was nuts it I got beat.

the [ __ ] out of there yeah I like that. by by the Jew say it again AR shafir the. number one Jew the number one Jew he. beat the [ __ ] out of me he smacked you. around yeah but you guys were friends. right no not then oh I hated him yeah he. beat the [ __ ] out of me and they. wouldn't call the cops they're like Let. It Go I'm. bleeding what started it you had to have. done something he called him a Jew what. were you wearing no you don't know what. happened no you wearing your were you. wearing your swastika shirt yeah he had.

a big swastika shirt he used to wear my. mustache was different it was like one. of those little. ones yeah it's like a square right there. what you think is the time frame of that. mustache coming back in style it's about. to there's got to be a certain time. there a group of guys in Brooklyn right. now that have that without a doubt and. Williamsburg is right there but I. they're called proud boys PBS yeah yeah. no they so really you've seen people. with that [ __ ] mustache without a. doubt it exists W SE mustache have you. ever seen a hit mustache out and about. yeah see it's out about mustach it's.

there cool guys cool hip dudes you know. cool guys that [ __ ] they Teeter on. the edge yeah they love it and and then. if somebody says something they're like. really you think this is a Hitler. mustache [ __ ] piece of [ __ ] like they. throw it back in your face like you're. and they're like get out of here dude. but I can't see how that was fashionable. even back then it looks cool as [ __ ] it. do it looks awesome it looks that's. supposed to be here not here no it looks. strong oh maybe it just looks like. strength coming out of your know it does. you you guys are down here you guys.

started down here well yeah we did the F. man Sho we did the opposite love F we. went down yeah should I do that you. should do it I would love fuman he he. can do it better because his hair see. his beard hair how it's like stringier. mine is bush like my bush would it's. thick it would come out like this yeah. it's forward yeah yeah but yours is. beautiful no because this does grow down. I'm going to do F man too please you. will I I I'll try to do it with you all. right let's do a Fullman two contest. would you ever shave huh would you ever. shave this beautiful thing I shaved no. cuz I don't like my face I shaved my.

beard like four times in the history of. me being in Hollywood like for a job I. did it for rest of development and then. did they have a moment where they're. like we're going to shave your face and. you're like it doesn't look good and. they're like we have to and then they. realized they [ __ ] up and they're like. put it back yeah and they have to just. it right back on my face no every time. though it just doesn't I look as old as. I'm going to look so like it even. without it it's not like it ages me down. when I shave I just look like like me. without facial hair yeah which I'm still.

a CutiePie it's just not the same but I. love my D I've had this since I was 16 I. grew facial hair when I was 15 years old. and I loved it and I never not got rid. it I just started getting facial hairs. really do you have a do you have a. mustache I have a mustache for sure you. waxed it I waxed it yeah do you have a. really Bush I feel like you have a real. Bish like a Amazonian Bush yeah cuz I. have like I have like Russian Russian. DNA some. like yeah you know Russian Jews have the. thickest bush yeah so it's a it's a. night you have hair on your nipples not.

yet I have one and you you you keep it I. keep it why cuz I like it good it's only. one but is it long it's probably long no. no no oh it's not when you when you when. she gets married that it says will you. take this woman to be you now pick the. nipple and then you can pick the nipple. hair that signifies love so what's your. ideal if you could like draw like if we. had like one of those crime. investigative draws very interesting you. should get one of those on the pod so. she's um Bob's ideal woman 5'8 good.

number I'm 5'8 uh oh care what if he. just keeps describing me I'm like why. did you guys bring Allison Ali one of. those she has stringy dirty hair. okay one nipple hair okay yeah yeah I. feel like I know someone like yeah yeah. yeah like I met you know snuff. upus yes from from from Sesame Street. Sesame Street yeah imagine if snuff Opus. just bushes down here oh I love it oh. yeah yeah yeah yeah that's the kind of. girl you want yeah and the and the [ __ ]. is as long as snuffle up snout snout.

yeah his Snuffy snout right okay then. it's not me no she's talk I don't even. have a hole down there yeah yeah yeah. yeah and um yeah it's not no I'll tell. you real okay so about 58 5'9 mhm thin. how tall are. you why 53 just C I want to imagine the. he's 53 53 okay yeah 53 54 hey yeah it's. on 552 it's two without shoes that's. we measured the studio we already wait.

wait 5'2 without insane 53 with socks. and shoes okay and spiky hair and spiky. hair yeah yeah 53 with spiky hair all. right so um she's 5'8 she's thin what. does thin mean give me a weight. range 125 58 125 is pretty thin that's. really small no no no it's just really. th no that's like that's like really. small that's like not even it's really. thin 530 I 130 I mean five more pounds. that's so funny 135. that's like 125 is what every woman says.

on their driver's license yeah unless. you're like over 200 lb if you're if. you're 189 lbs you're like I'm 120 what. you say on your driver's 120 you do. that's so fun they all say that you. think I'm 120 cuz a lot of guys think. that people it won't hurt my feelings if. you say no but a lot of I would know you. know here's why weights are tough. because everyone holds weight different. like people look at how I'm 61 how much. you think I weigh I'm so bad at mean I. can never work atal no I'm going to say.

what are you I'm going to. say how big's your. penis okay the whole thing yeah I'll say. one. 190 195 W sign me up that's actually. really good cuz I can't guess cuz you're. to me are you. 180 or. 185 you're. 190 how much you know it's 165 yeah yeah. is that good or bad it's good it's very.

good it's not fat well cuz fat because. muscle weighs more than fat and he's got. super strong so much more fat than. muscle it's most skin it's mostly fat. it's mostly skin too lot of skin and. blood skin and blood blood blood we yeah. yeah lot of blood you know why I'm fat. it's cuz all my blood let's go back to. my girl all right 5'8 thin 125 yeah I. like 125 to 145 let's just I don't like. big breasts you don't like Big T I like. M mid range. I don't know what the cup sizes or. whatever but I don't like big guy BC Guy.

what's BC mean b or c you don't want D's. I don't want D okay yeah yeah it's just. I don't like it it's okay you don't have. to like it nipple hair or no no okay no. nipple hair Jesus leave ol leave I like. um a pretty face what does that mean um. symmetrical yeah there's just certain. like I met a girl the other night where. she was five foot mhm right she had.

small very small breasts you love small. tits yeah and she was but her face was. so beautiful that I I was willing to. compromise my the other nice of you and. she was so funny too did she have to. compromise anything with you you think a. lot yeah well yeah yeah what about. piercings I don't like piercings nose no. no piercings like I matched I saw a girl. on Tinder and she has one of those. gigantic gauges hold whole things in her. ears yeah like dinner plate I went. through a phase where I was about to get. gauges is that what that is gauges GES.

are down here but you stretch them out I. like that I like I almost I could that. could have been me I could have been a. gauge girl no tongue ring no I don't. like that what about this one this one's. kind of cool I don't like that what. about one of these the face I don't even. like. tattoos you have a bunch I know so what. are you talking about I know woman oh so. you oh you get to Pure Christian woman. yeah I like pure you a pure little white. I like little house in the prairie mhm. girl that was raised by you a girl who. knows how to like bake bread yeah turn.

butter mhm you know what I mean that's. what she's going to have to do when she. [ __ ] you yeah and I want her to say ow. when I enter impossible where are you. going to find this girl but just fake. it wait wait so I'm I stick it and be. believable though okay right there we. go yeah that was believable dude I just. got hard a littleit it's too soft no no. cuz he doesn't want it loud cuz if it's. loud you know it's if you know if it's. loud you. you do it I've done this many times yeah.

but are you going to fake it or let's. just try ready. right that's good too I believe that. yeah how many times you be faked an. orgasm every time no no you come now. no door I tell you something right now. Andrew um I love that's all I eat the. only way I could survive eat is delivery. and the only app I use door Dash I go to. every town door Dash is the most.

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don't forget that's code bad friends. 2022 for 25% off your first order with. door dash sh subject to change terms. apply wait wait why do you fake it then. just say it didn't happen the older I. get the less I stopped faking it I. stopped faking it maybe like three years. ago yeah yeah you f have you ever fak an. or I have me too I have it's embarrass. it's so embarrassing it's so weird it's. so weird oh. that's how I do it had a condom on so. it's like she didn't know do you know.

what I mean like she would have been. like wait there's nothing there is. nothing like I had a condom on so then. it's like oh yeah I came I just wanted. to get F oh I didn't do that I pulled. out and nothing came out I heard like. this and nothing came out she was. looking at like what the [ __ ] Jered off. like 20 minutes ago yeah yeah you have. to lie that's a fail that's a la fa. launch why did you not come I wanted to. stop I wasn't into it I was like this is. but a smell will throw me off oh my God. will it ever will it one waft one have. you ever have you ever gone to suck a.

dude and his Ball's stunk in every. single time every your boyfriend I know. your boyfriend yeah his ball stink yes. every man ball stink he doesn't look. like his ball stink even when he showers. there's just a smell to balls do you. know why his ball do you know why tell. me because he has a [ __ ] problem because. he has a [ __ ] problem he has really long. balls so maybe when he's pooping they. just kind of they may knock off the wall. he has diarrhea I know this her. boyfriend yeah is he going to be mad no. not at all her boyfriend has diarrhea.

every day every single day of his life. stomach problem they all have IBS oh. yeah yeah is he Jewish he's yeah he the. percentage to Jewish people that have. IBS is probably like 90 right but it's. more than IBS a lot of people throw IBS. around yeah he has like ulcerative kidus. extra another it even sounds Jewish. ulcerative kidus it sounds like a oh my. alternative Kus it was called something. else and then Jewish guys were like we. have to call it ours his dad's side of. the family is Jewish so he has like the. he has the like stubbornness of that.

side where he won't do anything about it. if he was like pure Jew he'd be at the. doctor every day making sure it was fine. hypochondriac yeah I mean he is but he. just doesn't do anything you know her. you know you know her boy we can say his. name we can say no no yeah yeah oh mo. you know his dad you know who his dad. was like a comedy Legend was a manager. you know this right no well you don't no. what's his last name I'm not going to. talk we're not going to say that on what. was he was a manager yeah he was a. legend in the comedy world I I I know. that so what um. he was it Mo bur no we're not going to.

say last name we don't want to. compromise the privacy but can I just. let's go back to his ball though okay so. more important no I have a the I have a. theory okay so check it out here's my. theory all right better than her long. drop poop ball thing cuz the poop. knocking off the that I got I saw it. right away I'm going just make this up. all right let's say you had an apparatus. right that's a box right imagine this. box has a clear wall so you can see. through the box got it right Inside the. Box you put a jelly. bean okay yeah I'm there are you with.

with me yeah so out of the box it's. somebody's [ __ ] it's a tube that. sticks to somebody's [ __ ] right and. this guy's farting into this [ __ ] box. every day eventually that Jelly Bean. will smell like fart so his underwear. your Mo's underwear his butthole stink. so bad that his nut sack is the Jelly. Bean and it ferments you know what I. mean down there and also during the day. you know there's sweat and all kinds of. things that's happening right is he.

gassy he's not that gassy it doesn't. matter his [ __ ] is not pure yeah for. sure oh it's leaking it's not leaking. it's just not a pure [ __ ] like have. you ever had a toilet after you flush it. it you still hear it running a little. bit Yeah does his ass maybe has a little. bit yeah maybe yeah yeah yeah yeah maybe. running a little bit well he can't hold. his he can't he can't like if he has to. go he can't just hold your muscles are. strong I know he definitely has a leaky. so that is going to affect maybe the. Jelly Bean thing I could have said it. different way but it just took you a. long time to say something you could.

have just said I I know but still being. in his underwear and so the close. proximity of his balls to his assh it's. tra so it's trapped in the stinky thing. well you know how you do a a a a dutch. oven when you put the covers over you. fart us to do with to C all the time can. you smell my sack yeah when we're we're. like when we're in a car together or we. in a no right now can you smell it no. cuz we're just far enough away you're no. I'll just pull it out just smell my nuts. EG you want me to smell it right now and. see what it smells like yeah go ahead. are you being real yeah go ahead. okay I'll see how it smells it's. unbuttoned already I stand up but you.

will smell it I'll see what it smells. like yeah don't let wolf see he doesn't. need to see that okay all right smell. don't get it too. close fres I got to lick it let me see. again let me take it smell like honestly. yeah it's it smells like clean laundry. wow are you wearing brand new underwear. no dude it smells clean Koreans have a. self-generating mechanism in our body I.

we're future people your jelly bean is. not doesn't stay in one place no well. yeah that doesn't no that it's you have. it's you have a smooth little nut dude. smooth like dud my nut sack has three. wrinkles what yes as Asian Asians we age. good here and our sacks wow so you know. that I had no idea yeah and you don't. can't Google that I thought it black. don't crack I didn't know they don't. either right but you guys but we our.

sacks are just wrinkle Asian sacks don't. crack wrinkle free them Asian sacks they. don't they're so soft too and they have. a self-generating cleaning mechanism. have you ever had an Asian guy you ever. slept with an Asian guy. no why but not because I wouldn't why. why why why but not because I wouldn't. let me ask you this we all know why no I. want to ask a question right let me ask. you something Ally okay how many guys. have you been with so many none of your. business business okay let's just make. up a number okay 46 let's say 20 okay.

all right 46 out of the 20 guys you've. had sex with how many have them been. minorities I would. say half no let's be real no I would say. like uh a fourth so 25% have been. minorities yeah maybe 25% and in that. 25% of minorities does Jewish count as. minority it doesn't they're white so 25%. of minority i' say. 15% right so the 15% right how many of.

them have been uh the percentage of that. black people um I would say just Jamar. neighbors oh my God could you imag Brian. Moses Brian Moses I've heard his penis. is so massive yeah it's actually you can. just tell this is actually it this is. leg Yeah Yeah that's so scary so no. black eyes no yeah yeah yeah I would say. that's like I I'm not good at mad out of. the 50 out of all the minorities you've. had 50% of the okay of the 15 yeah yeah.

yeah yeah okay so 50% and then out of. the 15% how many have them Mexican I. would say the other half maybe yeah so. you're racist just towards Asians. against Asians yeah but but I would I. would why we're around there's a billion. of us I know but you what you guys. aren't it's just like okay in I'm in a. room I'm in a room and there's a black. guy an Asian guy and a Latino Guy this. is a funny joke coming away walk into a.

bar black guy as Asian guy and Mexican. guy walking into a bar well the Mexican. guy's cleaning up the black gu robbing. the place and the Asian guys doing the. taxes who do you want to [ __ ] you want. to [ __ ] you want to [ __ ] someone that's. working no no but honestly but. honestly you want Adventure and fun. Latinos and black people adventurous fun. Asian guys risk aversion risk averse uh. too safe she wants someone to. ra am I safe you're unique am I safe I'm.

asking you a question am I safe yes you. are really you are very safe all right. am I adventurous can be or you just stay. in your [ __ ] hotel all day okay so. it's that's what I mean it's fair enough. but she knows she's getting a gamble. when she goes with anybody else she. knows what she gets when she has white. when she has white it's Golden Corral. it's a buffet well it's predominantly. it's it's all fine you might get a. little noodle that was you feel. comfortable with white well it's. predominantly because when I started. whing it up it was in my like last year. of high school and then when I was kind.

of going to college in my high school. was mostly white people my college was a. lot of white people and so just the. circles I was in at that time white. circle and then when I started doing. comedy I was banging like these loser. open. micers mostly also white what are you. going to do dude I've I've had Asian so. count me out I love them and that's why. I'm not asking you questions yeah love. Asians love as you're a guy too love. well you know what's so funny no not as. a now like in this mindset in my age.

that I'm at uh they're not the most. attractive to me the most attractive has. always been [ __ ] Latinos I just Latin. just something about Latinos latinis. there's something about it well because. they're just so [ __ ] hot and they. just are cooler than you and they're. mean. and stuff and they [ __ ] you up I like. that they can beat you up a white girl. can't beat you you someone who will. fight for you yeah they'll fight for me. and they'll fight me want the Larry H. Parker of women yeah har I want hararia.

Balwin there's just something about it. huh yeah there's just something about. them they're just they're they're just. they're sexy they're spicy they're. [ __ ] I don't know I yeah I think. that's what it is they can fight for you. and they will fight you physically yeah. you know and that's just that's. something SP that's spicy about them I. like Koreans too though yeah K I think. the next if I ever date again like in a. permanent thing yeah it's going to a. full. floated I bet you $1,000 that that won't.

happen that's not true you're not going. to date a Korean do you want her to like. not really speak English that. well like do you want like straight from. from Korea yeah cuz I don't speak Korean. she doesn't speak English that's perfect. oh you don't speak Korean no I I can. understand a couple when your mom and. you were speaking Korean yeah I can say. stuff like um uh Boi Jing right thank. you you know what I said your [ __ ] is. scary beautiful your [ __ ] is scary. scary [ __ ] yeah yeah.

yeah on that and it's probably not it's. not scary it's not like Halloween Horror. Nights it's like a it's like a scare. person I love you I'm I'm Sor I don't. look at you that way but I love you when. you take your pants have it goes this is. Halloween this is Halloween Halloween. Halloween yeah no that's not true I know. I know like basic Korean to understand I. can't really say it that I can say basic. things like where's the bathroom right. but in terms of anything feelings wise.

that's what's why I want to data Korean. from Korea butore I can't I don't have. to express myself but you guys don't. express your feelings there's no words. for that oh the new the new generation. does I know but the old one where you. come from doesn't where I come from San. Diego what the your your your parents. and your parents never said like oh I'm. feeling sad today what's the word for. sad you don't even [ __ ] know is that. crazy you have no idea I have no idea. what is like um how about what's the. word for excited or happy uh I don't. even know yeah that's what I'm saying I. you went your whole childhood without.

your parents saying those words yeah cuz. I was talking to a Korean girl yesterday. and she was saying that she lives in. Korea and she was saying that gay is a. thing now what do you mean oh being gay. over there since you couldn't if you. were gay in Korea back in the day forget. it you're going to Japan I mean they're. going to ship you out do you think that. started with opa Gangnam Style why is he. gay noay but I feel like that music if. you're at a club like I would kiss I. would kiss well well well well Asian. Asian pop music and stuff and Asian pop.

culture always has a little bit of. metrosexuality has always had a little. bit of like sensey boy stuff where it's. like soft sweet cutesy pootsie but right. being gay no no no no no to that could. you do a touring Crea like are you yeah. three people would go that's such. [ __ ] [ __ ] can I ask you a. question you would sell out everywhere. in K can I ask you a question yeah is it. impossible to identify specific members. of BTS I think they're I don't I I think. they're clones oh you oh they're made in. a lab yeah I think they're the same P. person oh that's interesting there's.

just no way can you I look at all of. them I go they're the same guy you think. the Korean government made them and what. color is that skin beautiful it's so. white corpse white are they dead what. the [ __ ] is that they're Superior is. that what it is yes Superior white. they're Superior Korean are they future. gas like what why is. that what are they they're gishes to be. yeah I think they're beautiful they're. so beautiful see that's bu [ __ ] they're. not beautiful yes they are they're like. they're beautiful in a way that like um.

like Channing Tatum is beautiful like. it's just unattainable like it's not. real it's different it looks like AI. made it I know I I did a movie with this. Korean pop star named Henry Lao Henry. Lao I told you tell you about him yeah. yeah yeah yeah and we'd shoot scenes. together and I would just stare at a. skin but violent thoughts like I want to. hurt him I want to take a razor blade. and just [ __ ] cut his skin you well. who's the ugliest person you've ever. worked with easy. setup in.

podcasting yeah I don't want to hurt his. feelings because he's gonna get he'll. call me right now and and yell at me we. beep it you will I'm not you know I'll. do a vent triloquist thing and you'll. beep it okay. right right how about you do do it. vist origal who's the ugliest guy I know. another one. wait do that one again I didn't. hear oh yeah yeah yeah here's another.

ugly. one did you get that ventriloquism is so. [ __ ] creepy to me those people spend. hours in their room just going like this. going like this yeah yeah and here we. are outside my and the ones that are. great that can sing in this and they do. it but they they do it from here we're. all talking from up. here oh that's really good pretty good. you you sing sing something. [Music].

yeah no like the. words your mouth is so closed when you. do it yeah yeah wait who's better at it. you think can you understand let me just. do it again well do a different song. yeah yeah what song is it but I also. think the key is you like you have to do. a really weird SM hardock life for us. it's a hard life for us you just look. like Kanye Westman has jaw shot yeah. yeah so try that one but what do you. have to smile yeah you they always are. smile you do yeah yeah it's a heart it's.

a hard life for us it's a hard life for. us it's so creepy hard you look like a. like you look you try you try a smile. yeah it's a hard KN life oh that's so. creepy wow I have practiced it alone you. [ __ ] loser you [ __ ] loser yeah you. practiced that oh yeah that's amazing.

cuz what yeah there's like there's like. letters like instead of saying like M or. something because you have to close your. lips you you use like an N I think so. like if you were going to say like money. you would say like. NY oh kind of Let's do let's do um. ventriloquism like movie quotes see if. you can get this right are you looking. at. me oh my God who you looking at are you. looking at me I can't tell if you're. doing an accent too what is your accent. what what I'm not doing you think I'm.

doing agent accent yeah you looking at. me Good Fellas yeah no what Taxi Driver. oh are you looking at me looking at look. at are you looking at me are you looking. at oh. you do you looking there it is then that. see when you do. ventriloquism yeah you looking at me you. looking at me he you looking at me I'm. the only one here I'm the only one here. you want be looking at me yeah yeah he's. got to get sick of that [ __ ] [ __ ] who. dairo that that is that everyone that.

does it you know like every oh yeah I. would never imagine dude I would give. you a million dollars if you met Dono to. do that in press in front of him if I. went up to him and I go hey I wonder. what he would do if [ __ ] he's. probably heard from every Jacker Walkin. also oh my God such a burnt impression. try to do one I can't do one your father. hit this father you know what I realized. if you just speaking of uh CR pop stars. opa Gangnam Style if you TR and sing. that just normally like if I try and. sing the words it sounds like I'm trying.

to do a Christopher walk and impression. okay do. it how do you know the lyrics how do you. know the lyrics I'm a. loser you truism and then you [ __ ]. memorize [ __ ] cuz when that song came. out I was in high school and I like. spent my days trying to memorize what. does it mean do you know what it means. yeah it's talking about these women in. this town in Korea who are like kind of. affluent sty dude thank God for him. yeah cuz he opened it up I got more. [ __ ] after he came out no oh yeah yeah.

you can tell when squid Games come out. you get more [ __ ] okay let's see here. you go I think you're right no it do it. opens it up cuz white people then go oh. interesting you know I mean and you're. in their thought process yeah okay so. here's the lyrics to Opa Gagnam Style uh. it says a girl who is warm and humanely. during the day a classy girl who knows. how to enjoy the freedom of a cup of. coffee a girl whose heart gets hotter.

when Night comes a girl with that kind. of twist I'm a guy a guy who is warm as. a young today a guy who one shots his. coffee before it even cools down a guy. whose heart bursts when Night comes that. kind of guy beautiful lovable yes you. hey you yes you hey you hey you yes you. beautiful lovable yeah that is this is. awful oh yeah this is aw what's he doing. now he's still doing that song Sitting. on a pile of [ __ ] money yeah but. what's he doing bro he made one song one.

hit wonder is incredible it's the worst. life what do you mean you're done you're. done there's no expectation bro you know. this you know this dude okay okay let's. suppose right you had one special that. killed it great and then that was 20. years ago but it made did it make me. $100 million it made you $50 million. great and now you can't get a label to. sign you you can't get another [ __ ]. great you you can't really I leave La I. don't need to live this [ __ ] life.

and [ __ ] and then you going to be on one. some farm and do what yes and be a. farmer and farm and I feel like you. always want to be relevant you always. want to be in the public eye you want to. always reinvent yourself and all that. once you realize that's not your thing. once one hit wonders go I think this is. just one I have a friend I'm not going. to say his name but his group had a one-. hit wonder a massive I'll tell you off. air I know who it is massive one- hit. wonder one of the biggest songs of that. era they almost never did anything ever.

again literally like shockingly they. made one more album and it bombed so. [ __ ] bad it was over oh my God yeah. he found solace at some point in the. idea that it's. like I just want to make music for fun. because this thing is a machine and it's. just it's different than they. anticipated they didn't anticipate that. song getting big it just got big and. they were like we're going to walk away. and be individual artists and music. musicians and now just live and play now. they're all rich and they just play. music for fun the original reason Rich.

how rich you're splitting between a band. tens of millions of do dude musicians. make so much you have no [ __ ] idea. they make so much money it's insane when. you have one hit song you can Tour on. that thing for [ __ ] 10 years you're. eventually going to county fairs and. weird places dude still a fuckload of. money they're still getting paid dude. those people and the song plays and all. the [ __ ] live shows and all the. [ __ ] merch and all the times that. loops on other things then you license. it dude no I'd rather do this. dude I'd rather just stay like this.

where you are yeah I'm like I keep going. but I'm slowly moving up if I was a. musician I wouldn't care about a one hit. I'd go fine this is fine cuz like with. music you're yeah you're getting played. in like grocery stores whatever like. there's no comedy special you know. there's no comedy hits playing Market's. [ __ ] we can't compare it to a J. comedy's dead it's over all right I mean. I I don't know comedy's dead isn't it. it's dying I think we're in the last. legs of it I think there's because I.

believe that because in the '90s there. was it died yeah I believe it's cyclical. and we're it's about to crash yeah you. know what I mean cuz special all the. specials that Netflix was putting out. but there's a lot of funny [ __ ] out yeah. and then too many people are doing. podcasts now right I hate podcasts yeah. and it's going to die yeah good thing. you guys are on on top of it when it. goes out yeah good call I don't want it. to die though it's not going to die. friends we like it too much no it won't. it we're having so much [ __ ] fun you. think that eventually we'll have 10.

listeners no 20 but do you think that. we'll be able to make a living off of. bad. friends not forever what lasts forever. yeah I mean if we die that's one thing. but like at 60 like 10 years from now. you think we'll be doing bad friends no. I hope so I would hope we would you. think it will no what do you think we'll. be doing you think we'll be enemies. yeah and you guys will have like. separate podcasts oh we'll sue each. other yeah there would be a weird loss. dude that would break my heart if you. and I were like testifying against each.

other at a [ __ ] trial we would make. jokes the entire time that's all it' be. it would be your honor your honor order. it' be Order in the Court it' be. cracking jokes the [ __ ] whole time. that would break my heart man I don't. ever want to do that with you we'll. never do. it never do it Ally tell us a really bad. um childish. joke give us a joke like a kid would. tell like why did the CH why did the. chicken cross the road type of thing did. you do you know what that joke joke is. about suicide yeah I just found out how. why did the chicken cross the road to.

get to the other side the other side of. what the street no the other side you. know the phrase I'll see you on the. other side do you know what that means. Heaven yeah I'll see you in the. afterlife and if a chicken is crossing. the road it's going to get ran over and. no one stoping for a chicken it's not. about getting to the other side of the. street it's about getting to the other. side of life it's the suicidal chick. chicken don't go to heaven they well. they don't anymore oh you know what joke. I hate it's not really a joke but it's. like a setup who has two thumbs and is. going to get [ __ ] up. tonight this guy this guy I that guy is.

funny though oh wait wait so let me say. it who has two thumbs who's going to get. [ __ ] up. tonight you have to point yourself yeah. this guy yeah yeah yeah whoa who has two. thumbs and is probably going to put both. of them in his [ __ ] tonight this guy. right yeah yeah yeah I never heard that. before it's a white thing no that's a. common phrase no it's that's a Comm. fraternity sority white thing yeah yeah. black people have never said that no hey. man who has two thumbs oh do a black guy. do a black eyy man who two thumbs you.

like him now wolf y man yo. dog it's so bad I don't care Wolf's. laughing I hate when you do it yeah yo. who has two thumbs who get [ __ ] up. tonight this guy black guys black guys. don't say that phrase that's a white guy. phrase I want see if Asians have said it. right hey guy no hey Guy hey Guy hey. guys but two th and you're going to get. who and going to get [ __ ] up tonight.

the guy that's never been said no never. that's never been. said do an Indian do do an. Indian do an Indian who has two thumbs. and he going to get [ __ ] up tonight. this guy that an Indian guy does yeah. Indian guy does there's there's this. Indian guy who works at the like corner. store on my street and my boyfriend will. go in there we'll go in and like grab an. energy drink or something boyfriend will. be like hey dude what's up and the guy. lights up he loves when my boyfriend. says dude and then he'll start saying.

dude but he'll say it an insane amount. dude yes dude dude is but dude is such a. good word oh he loves it he get dud do. Adolf Hitler with the thumbs who yeah. please who has two thumbs and is going. to get annihilated this evening. zy he's annihilating himself I can see. that that's really everyone's like why. people liked him so much he was lovable. that guy he wasn't as bad as people say.

did you guys see the margorie Taylor. green American Idol audition is that. real people I don't know I do you know. who this is margerie Taylor I know her I. hate her she okay so apparently there's. a clip of her on the internet stage name. you will you show that wolf there's. apparently a clip of her on the. internet uh that there's no way it's her. well it there's a question if it is I. thought it really looks like looks. exactly like and it wouldn't surprise me. but they don't have footage of it do. they yeah there's foot yeah there's a.

video oh really oh so it's confirmed. there's no way it's her well confirmed. but there's a video of her auditioning. like what does she sing I don't know I. don't know I think that's [ __ ]. incredible if she did do American Idol. cuz everyone's making the comparison. like you know failed. artist yeah that's also true Hitler. didn't Hitler didn't Hitler didn't even. fail he never got into the art school. they didn't even let him in the school. his his submission got Den died right. like he painted it to get in you had to. like do something to get in and his.

didn't even get in so it's also funny. that like that's normally the story of. someone who's about to be super. successful in art they're like I never. got into the art school so I just did it. on my own and he's like I'm just going. to completely abandon the art it is kind. of funny that uh for some reason. everyone that has like chaotic political. um prowess they all love doing art stuff. like Clinton loves making Art Bush loves. love stagram huh uh George Bush's. Instagram yeah dude such a fun follow he.

like loves that [ __ ] someone got mad at. me they're like why are you following. George Bush I'm like it's Instagram yeah. but this is the problem with Instagram. and stuff nowadays like I just saw. someone last night I I looked up a guy. I'll whatever but I looked up a dude and. I noticed he follows follows nobody. that's a thing now people just follow. nobody now and I was like I get it a. little bit because also sometimes you. feel obligated to follow some you know. when you follow someone and you're like. I just like I have to follow them but I. don't know if I really want to see them. in my feed yeah and then you have to. mute them I mute them all right and it's.

weird you it's so funny how I hated that. dude for so many years George Bush yeah. and now I kind of like him I know he's. become like because you know what can be. worse he's just like yeah and he's just. like so old now do mean he can be worse. what do you mean no because you thought. you know what's oh right yeah yeah. because when George Bush was like this. [ __ ] guy started a war with Iraq for. no reason this and that whatever. whatever it can't get worse there's no. this is the worst human being and then. you saw Here Comes Jo Biden Jo bid wor.

and then you're like oh Bush can't worse. than this yeah are you what are you. doing are you on tour after you go leave. with us you go to Albany to do shows and. then what I'm doing a show in Albany. yeah and then I'm doing a little bit of. a tour well you're doing Albany where. else well so I'm doing Albany with St. Vincent I'm opening her show you know V. love them she's like best friends do you. oh yeah they're great music yeah yeah. she's really close with them no yeah. she's been going she you've done shows. with them before yeah yeah yeah and so. you you do stand up I do stand up I cold.

open the shows was it hard it's a little. bit hard seems hard but her audiences. are like really nice and cool and young. and supportive yeah how many seats is it. we're doing like theaters like thousands. thousand yeah that's amazing they're. amazing band yeah it's fun she's amazing. I mean and then um then are you doing. clubs after that or no yes then I have. two more shows with her in Vegas and. Arizona and then I'm doing my own. headlining weekends go to Ali movi.com. yeah Ali movi.com go get those [ __ ].

tickets and go see our girl all right. well listen that was a great episode it. was a really fun do me a favor look in. your camera and say uh um thanks for. being a bad friend number two number two. sorry M you see it I don't even see. number two oh it's actually it's that. it's it's hidden yeah thanks for being a. bad. friend was that it thank you for being. a thank you her H being a bad friend. that's good I got to figure out being is.

hard than you thank you for being a b. friend thank you try to vent trilus in. one Bob real fast thank you for being a. friend very good Prett good that was. really good okay thank. [Music]. you woo. yeah wo.

[Music].