Bobby's Bank Heist | Ep 129 | Bad Friends

hey hey y'all you know what guys new. york new york here we come wait that's. such a good new york accent. new york new york. we're doing the grand mercy theater. stand up we're gonna do some stand up. and we're gonna do a little bit of like. a duo potty kind of a thing a little fun. live thing for you guys september 8th. september 8th buy your tickets right now. because they're going to sell out. quickly and if it sells out we might add. another shop i don't know we don't know. we we might not we see how the first. show goes but probably a second show. maybe click on the link in the. description below the tickets go on sale. at noon pacific time 3 p.m east coast.

today they go on sale so i know this. episode's already out but at noon on the. west coast at 3 p.m on the east coast. buy those tickets now also. bob i'm shooting my special september. 24th. 24th 24th in denver and i'm warming up. so come see me salt lake city brea. minneapolis madison and then denver. september 24th i'm shooting my special. finally go to andrewsantina.com for. tickets santino.com for those tickets. you two are bad friends who are these.

two idiots. white dude i'm an asian dude. you two are disgusting. oh you two or something we're bad. friends welcome back to bad friends boy. oh boy do we have a good one for you. today because. fancy is gone he's in espana i didn't. even notice we deported him he's gone. didn't notice well because he's. worthless on this show well we have mr. worthless who behind everyone else he. who doctor. captain worthless.

captain worthless george kimmel captain. worthless i'm here to almost do nothing. yeah in fact i walked in there i go what. are you doing here that's what i said i. heard it from the parking lot what are. you doing here and you know what he said. what. just hanging out hanging out he swallows. air this guy. i got a gift for ol rudy yeah look at. how sick this thing is from our friends. that bespoke gave us this uh this is. this will really kill somebody so please. be careful okay. i don't have my other knives well we.

took your knives away because doc shakes. the chairs and we're afraid it's gonna. fall on his head and that's specifically. to kill other filipinos no white people. okay it says it on the little thing does. it yeah it says no whites it. specifically. what about other asians no only. filipinos. yes yeah for the time being that could. change. this is cool. un unwrap it and see how sharp it is. do something cool with it don't get it. too close to that chair it'll pop. isn't that sick huh yeah yeah say thanks. bespoke we also have uh next to rudy our.

our very good friend who now we can no. longer call by her other moniker her. name is now. no jj just jetski johnson well no no we. should come up with a nickname because. um she complained about it we know. what's going on with the juice juice. i i like the name and then it dawned on. me how sexual it could be taken but it's. not if you don't unless you make it. sexual it's nice it's an orange sexual. yeah it depends yeah yeah yeah yeah i. mean okay what else is juicy uh i like. juicy yeah reminds me of very stylish.

harry styles is juicy. which you think is very sexy that's. right she doesn't want the connection. between sexy and juicy remember those. pants. juicy yeah juicy on the butt juicy pants. yeah did you sweatpants yeah but that. wasn't sexual. although it was creepy like little kids. would wear those and i was like who what. parent is letting their. nine-year-old wear juicy on their ass no. you shouldn't let your kids wear juicy. sweatpants yeah in fact only black women. and cute and brazilian women should wear. that over the age of 18. white girls.

have butts now don't overdo this again. what you did last night what did i do. hey ladies if you're single this guy's. available i'm not available i'm not. ready i never said that yeah you did no. i didn't i'm not available i'm not ready. yes i did i know you did to the whole. and also by the way no one came up to me. afterwards either. not one person no one came home ask. anybody i hung out until two just to see. not one person. no one if they go i'm available to never. you know why because they thought i was. joking around see they thought i was. kidding but i wasn't kidding girls if.

you're listening out there if you. comment on the live show please wait. until after the show he will be there he. will come talk to you he is interested. he is available he's very single i'm not. interested i saw bobby give a tour. to two really attractive ladies and i. asked him about it and he just jumped. down my throat he's like i'm just giving. a tour. okay can i say something let me say. something okay. i give tours all the time to not just. ladies to men as well okay because. people love the comedy store they go.

this historic i go i know all the nukes. and crannies it sounds so creepy yeah. yeah what nooks do you take them to. what i well i know the history of each. room well okay i take them to a room and. i go this is why this room is here you. take him to the old stairwell by mitzi's. office yeah when the door was broken i. used to get people in there like guess. when i'd have friends come from out of. town i would sneak them up to mitzi's. office and break into mitzi's office and. it's you know it's still the same i mean. i don't know what it is now but 10 years. ago it had been untouched i ate a girl's. vagina on those hairs. is that part of the tour.

that's one of the craziest. years ago years ago when i was like 30. you went down on a girl in the stairwell. black steer up to mitzi's office between. the belly room. black stairs to that stair they're all. black yeah exactly yeah yeah and i ate. in one's vagina you made her sit down. lay down on the stairs in the middle of. the stairs i spread them open like this. and i just. were you on the top of the stairs or the. body on the stairs i go top i go down.

[Laughter]. so the blood because the blood flow is. going to be better okay anyway she. slides down her head head backwards. yeah you're eating her and then for you. and then in the green room of the belly. room i've gotten maybe two [ __ ]. maybe to completion. no never completed i can't because. there's always people there can you. complain there's a show going on wait a. minute you would. close the door get a hummer and then not. come in and be like oh let's go. someone's coming you know. what's going on. all right juice well we're not gonna.

call you juice anymore because i guess. you made it sexual so what do you want. us to call it. um. jet ski but you guys another nickname. could emerge but jet ski is what you. brought that was already your name yeah. this is why i never speak my mind. maybe because you have bono glasses. maybe something about bono like. yeah it doesn't have to happen right now. no it's gonna happen right now okay it. doesn't it's gonna happen right now i. see those socks that you're wearing. that's very cool do you know what that. is bobby yeah what's the painting called.

i don't. oh that's from uh it's a van gogh. painting no that's not vanco it's the s. screaming man. that you're you're just screaming. the screaming. the screaming the screen the screen yeah. that's it okay that's the screen. those are pretty tight the screaming my. sister got me these your sister's cool. yeah yeah that's very cool. well let me you know what you remind me. of i told you what'd you say what did i. say last night diane keaton she reminds. me of her personality like diane keaton. and annie hall i think you said that on.

this show before did i didn't he say. something like that remember he has that. like kind of like um. yeah. it's like a quirkiness about her you. kind of you kind of do have that yeah. yeah i like that movie i'm sure my. personality was inspired dude i. yeah i mean you killed it last night i. had a good set so in the middle of my. set there was like a little of a bump. yeah you did stop for somebody and i cuz. i you know what i thought huh it's. always this. i think andrew did better than me oh. shut up no i really i did.

because there was a level of laugh i'm. like that wasn't that nobody cares yeah. and then afterwards last night two. things happened number one a guy came. out to me bad friends fan okay and he. goes i just have to admit i think. andrew's funnier a funnier stand-up. shut the [ __ ] up. right to my face and then another thing. happened okay. a drunk guy goes hey. i used to watch you on mad tv i just. never thought you were funny no yeah and. you walked over bobby no way to two. things you tell me if i'm working i'll. kick them out i know thank you yeah and.

then three no one came up to me and got. when i'm single and you're singing. so that was a pretty bad night for me. but let me tell you something i'm gonna. change that and i'm saying it now to the. fans if you come to a show i'm gonna. keep pushing this agenda if you're. coming to the show on on i don't need. anyone's help i i got it i don't know. yeah i'm first of all i'm not going to. date in a year i'm going to wait a year. right you could hook up with someone. before you would no i don't want you to. hook up a year you don't touch anyone. for you no no i would i need alone time. are you gonna go who i am again are you. gonna be open for all kinds of people.

what do you mean this i feel like this. is a trap no yeah no i'm saying are you. open for all kinds of people all. generally asking me some questions maybe. are you are you cool with dating all. kinds of genders and and. gender sexual orientations. okay if they have a penis and a vagina. maybe yeah they have to have both like a. combination right yeah you don't want. just a penis no i mean like like i've. said like if there was a vagina and. there was a penis on the side i might do. a couple of sucks what if they had a. what if they had right.

you would just out of like. what if they had a penis but their. butthole looked like a vagina. oh that's interesting right but they. still pull out of the butthole that's. right same thing flavor's different. though. vagina's poop too. unless someone has crohn's disease. [Laughter]. but let me let me tell you something. carlos thinks you're going through. stages of grief accepting the. unacceptable oh you think i have do you. think i'm going through grief it can. look like avoidance procrastination. forgetting easily distracted mind yeah.

i'm all those well then you've yeah this. has been your whole life. no but more so now though that's just. step one then there's angles okay okay. there's nothing he's on two yeah i've. been sitting on two for years yeah yeah. frustration cynicism sarcasm. irritability holy [ __ ] i've been back. increased alcohol or drug use is this. like my that's this is like my pro. should be my dating profile bargaining. the bargaining i don't do. yeah you do what's the bargaining. meaning look at the second one look at. carlos is highlighting ruminating on the. future of the past oh yeah i just did. that look at the second one look at the. second one overthinking and worrying. yeah that's me bing third one comparing.

self to others you just did it on the. show i just. thinking saying i should have or if only. you don't i don't you know if you do. that too much i do judgment towards self. and others big time perfectionism oh i'm. a bargainer huh you're on video games. yeah oh that's right yeah depression you. don't have depression you don't think so. i don't think so no i get bummed yeah. you do i have clinical depression i. don't think you're i don't think you. have depression but i do think you have. bargaining you've got to have bargaining. for story yeah when are we going to get. to acceptance though carlos we'll get. down there soon a year mindful behaviors.

[ __ ] [ __ ] i don't know what that means. engaging with reality as it is no way. that's insane that's insanity this is. how it is right now you you'll never say. that no i'm in a different language. being present in the moment you're not. even here right now yeah you're already. back at home i'm in i'm. when i was four years old right now yeah. you're yeah in minnesota dude. playing in that [ __ ] backyard with. that little tunka truck i used to have. all right i'm stuck in my mind on this. i do think we're to get you someone. before a year no i just well how do you.

feel about jules is it weird. i don't really care but i feel like. you're going to find someone yeah a. year's a long time yeah a year's a long. time why do you have a sweaty mustache. right now. oh. do you think i do that to you use that. axe. to what to shave your little mustache. yeah yeah oh my god yeah there it is.

there it is good. you feel better it doesn't help it. doesn't help we got to get a better ax. yeah i got to axe to grind i'm still. stuck on this juicy thing i'm kind of. bummed well maybe i should maybe i'm. wrong say it sexually no i'm not but now. you're making it seem like it now when i. guys hitting on you a direct message to. you be honest no but oh yes yes like. what are they doing not dick pics well i. get so many in the other box and i i. can't engage. with everybody someone's famous.

other in the other box how many requests. you have right now. i don't know whoa oh dude maybe we. should look at them now on the show. i look at them but i feel like i'm. afraid to engage in them because then. where do i stop thirty thousand. followers wow what did you have before. you started the show thirteen wow wow. we're good. let's keep it going go to jet ski. johnson go ahead and follow jetski. johnson and and and inundate her with. messages yeah dude yeah yeah so what do. you guys do do you respond to everybody.

in your. [ __ ] mind i know you guys have way. more than dudes never. i've never opened up a dude like only. respond to dudes you do are you getting. some titties yeah you're getting some. titties yeah yeah and so do you respond. no no no no no no. i'll just like look at it and go. yeah do you screenshot it no don't lie i. don't okay. why what you can. i thought you could. you could squeeze out yeah yeah i don't. know yeah yeah i bet you can't yeah i. don't want you to screenshot your whole.

phone. is it illegal to have a screenshot photo. on instagram. oh copyright infringement do women have. copyrights on their tits. that would be kind that's kind of the. future isn't it but i'm getting a lot of. like can i [ __ ] kalyla which is so. [ __ ] oh my god they ask you that yeah. terrible. yeah wait a minute though can i [ __ ]. kalala but they say like can you join. are you involved no they just like i'm. her pimp. it's so rude that's kind of cool though. why. that's kind of cool being her pimp yeah.

yeah i don't respond to those it's guys. saying can i [ __ ] lyla yeah any girls. no oh no have you had a girl ask for a. threesome with you guys oh. i didn't even though that's a. possibility i mean it's a thing oh. [ __ ]. i like i like some people like that yeah. there's a whole website for that. yeah but i don't want to like. that'll be weird like being in a room. and that a girl is eating her collage. vagina better than i did. right and that wasn't that weird because. you're a perfectionist.

yeah. i just have a fat tongue i can't do it. that fast let me see how fast you can. move your tongue. yes like a slob like a turkey yeah looks. like you're eating pudding dude if i. went to new guinea and i and i ate sloth. [ __ ] they would be like oh yeah. maybe oh yeah yeah but that's the only. thing the sloth would be. [Laughter].

you know sloth bears i read sloth bears. kill more people than any other kind of. bear on earth no have you seen what a. sloth bear looks like i don't know look. at how [ __ ] creepy and weird these. things look. these things kill the most people whoa. whoa they just look like shaggy bears. just like [ __ ] up look at the faces. dude they look chromosomally off yeah. they look like they're you know. handicapped bears yeah but they they. murder the most people statistically and.

i saw this thing on twitter tony. hinchcliffe was a bear that's like. honestly that would be the right. that right. be honest that that's tony hinchcliffe. yeah yeah if tony hitchcliff was a bear. that would be like in that what kind of. area would you be if you were a bear. oh well the koala yeah that's yeah. exactly. what would i be you would be polar polar. first yeah yeah what would she be. tarshier target what those big eyes. would they're small and big eyes you. think you have big eyes yeah yeah there. she is tarshier.

oh that's you yeah that's your her for. sure what about j what about jetski what. is jj what's the juiciest kind. look up what's the juiciest bear winnie. the pooh. there we go. there we go that's it that's her that's. juicy bear. that's you now do that dancing bear what. is it i've seen that what is that. cartoon what's that that's definitely. her. personality everything huh what is it oh. i thought that was the charming bear oh. is that oh. that's what you're turning me into yeah.

this is what we're trying to sell you. guys sex sells on the show man big time. dude if bears look like that that'd be. cool. i mean then i would go camping more. often i think in the gay community they. do yeah with the abs like that and they. have and they drink beer. and then that'd be cool they could talk. hey. [Music]. that's and see that's that's see that's. what that's the that's the reality of it. that's what a bear looks like oh that's. a game. huh what'd you say that's a big gay bear. no his name is juicy bear oh no let's.

hit him up let's get him on the show. he'll he won't be mad if we sexually. you know what we could do with the fans. is like how about this we fans. email us or how do they do it they. usually email us email us like. suggestions we'll have a contest. you want to have a name contest yeah. throw out some names for jets yeah but. once. the game the name is affirmed that's. life. we're not changing it you have to get a. tattooed i don't have any tattoos well.

this will be your first time all right. will you guys all get it too our names. on you yeah yeah dude you should have. bad friends on your body man do you guys. love it yep yep let me see mine's on my. butt my mind's on my [ __ ] let's see. it. i don't believe you hey don't sexualize. us yeah. yeah we talked about getting bad friends. tats we should okay if we got him. together would you do it you don't think. you're a part of it yet. the family maybe at six.

let's get her episodes 100 000 followers. and then we'll do it and then also to. your name 100 000 followers. yeah you would pretty tight. it feels so like uh. like selling out but i'm there for it. [Laughter]. she's down dude i think i do want to get. a bad friend's tattoo i do too i think. we should would you get one. can i just get a knife instead of bad. friends oh cool thanks for being a part. of this [ __ ] [ __ ] little ship yeah. dude it's been three years of this fight. i know. what else bad friends is so like cringe.

you know what's so funny. okay okay just hear me out she's gonna. learn i'll tell you why she said we're. [ __ ] crazy i know can i tell you why. no just getting a title is it because. we're old don't eat don't get angry are. we old and lame and she's young and cool. stink. she just got a job. yeah at the school right did you not oh. yeah yeah. working at the library or where you're. working it's a bookstore at a bookstore. at the school. and when you're working because you've. never worked before right. every day you work.

slowly in your heart and your mind. you're gonna go. oh i had it good i had it good look at. that 16 bucks an hour is all you're. gonna make there. yeah yeah yeah yeah i'm excited for that. i'm sorry i'm just saying the bad. friend's title if you put it on your. skin is cringe what about bf. no. what about our heads just that yeah our. faces. um. that's simple.

maybe that's simple. i'm just like sad if i'm so sad it's. like making me really how about this. symbol this is cool the new one from the. hat that bad friend's dripping that. looks cool. i'll put it like on my foot. okay whatever you know what we should do. though this. like like the dark knight we should have. a thing that would protect. just the sky in the sky. right so that we if people need us we. have to go there we have yeah we have to. do comedy yeah. i think in the batman world what would i.

think who would be the guy what's his. name uh gordon gordon who's boarded in. our group. what who's going for you and i are about. fancy who's gordon in our group fancy. commissioner gordon yeah yeah who's the. one that does the sign cause he's the. one that turns the sign on. fancy that's probably fancy to be yeah. fancy is gordon right and who is george. is george just oh george's commissioner. george's uh george is alfred sure you. think yeah jordan george is definitely. awesome he's alfred yeah yeah look at. there's george yeah george is definitely.

offering it right i'll get you what you. need boys. george i want to hear you with a uh. british accent can you do can you say uh. i'll get you a chaney boy say uh i'll. get you whatever you need gentlemen. i'll get you whatever you need gentlemen. and gentle ladies. okay but just the gentleman part i don't. want the ladies cause that sounded. creepy um absolutely say uh i'll bring. up the car immediately. i'll bring up the car immediately that's. actually not bad i like it if we got to. put him in a little suit why you want to. fine tune it a little bit yeah a little. bit more. because it still doesn't sound sell sell.

the british a little bit higher sell it. harder. i'll bring up the car immediately. gentlemen this is good it's okay but be. more fancy with it like be more animated. be like kind of like maybe you might be. gay we don't know. gentlemen i'll bring up the car. immediately love that i love that i love. that i like the great. but it has nothing to do with sexuality. we're just saying you're very you have. fancy effeminate yeah i shouldn't say. fancy jewels would be catwoman for sure. no poison ivy poisonous an iv yeah. because she's [ __ ] toxic as [ __ ] oh. that's right toxic yeah you're toxic i'm.

not yeah no you are yeah you are and. it's getting worse and i called i called. bob and i was like i don't know if we. want little miss toxic around anymore. because she's just not fun she doesn't. want to be here she hates us and he was. like hate us and i said yes she does. i think you secretly hate us and she's. gripping the act. doordash oh my god um whenever i'm on. the road or even at home the only app.

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no no he's not no and you know because i. think this is proof everyone knows my. energy but they know they know you're. energy as well. right and they compare the two they're. not blind to it that's right the fans. know yeah you know i always say hi to. you and you always say a different name. when you say hi to me yeah those are. terms of endearment yeah so like what do. i say you say. hi joey. yeah funny okay that's fine yeah funny. you kind of do look like joey what's up. joe yeah you don't like it no yeah and. then sometimes i ask you like what's.

going on let's hang out and you laugh. you go no. no i just say. i'm tired. ugh. it just hurts me. it really does hurt me and you got to do. more of an effort and you i'm glad. you're working. because when you're working i'm going to. be giggling. because it's going to be like a. an awakening for you where is the store. um it's csun. it's the library the bookstore like. the campus bookstore where you go to buy. like not only books but also apparel can. we go we're going every [ __ ] day okay. now can we go going every [ __ ] day we.

can go we can't we we don't have to be. students to go to the store right of. course not no we're going yeah we're. buying books i'm going to buy something. i don't have any books. on gear too yeah. fine what how many days a week are you. working over there maybe like three what. are they giving you how much do you know. i don't know yet. you took the job without negotiating pay. you negotiate. it's just i don't know it's my first job. how did you get the job. i didn't they just interviewed me and. then did you see a sign that said open.

uh now hiring and then you went in and. asked yeah start from zero what did you. see. i just saw i was looking through the. bookstore and then it says hiring and i. just applied and then they called me. same day no like a week after who called. what did they say let's hear it. they just said hi um are you interested. in like working i said yeah and then. they said okay we'll give you another. call for the in ten minute interview. and then i waited and then they just. said um.

how many hours can you work and i said. and i just said um. as long as i can work. and then they said okay we'll give you. four hours every day. or as long as um. monday to friday and i said okay that's. fine. and they said that if you can carry a 30. pound. something and stand for. 10 hours. and then i said yeah i can stand there. what are they shipping dead babies.

around that place no if you can carry a. 30 pound box don't look inside of it but. you're only working four hours yeah okay. and then did you ask how much does it. pay. no i didn't why. because no one told me to ask so you. don't you what if they're not gonna pay. you. no they said they'll pay me 16. 16 and 75 cents. an hour yeah they're like we're gonna. get this immigrant for cheap yeah and. you're not gonna be in the i think. you're you're hauling [ __ ] i think. you're gonna be in the back loading.

stuff yeah they go through this. we have a bunch of bat boxes get in the. back yeah you get in the back they don't. want you out front not with that face. don't be mean she's mean to us all the. time i know she is i know you're right. she's [ __ ] old to me. you know what we're going to start. making you carry [ __ ] too george get. something that's heavy back there and. make her [ __ ] it around boulders. no boxes just bouldering i just want. rocks moving during the show yeah. you're gonna have to start [ __ ]. carrying your weight why do i have to. care because don't get angry dude oh god.

give her that box of merch yeah yeah. there you go start going through that. and separating stuff yeah separated from. medium and large let me see you pick it. up let's see you carry it carry it pick. it up let's see can you carry it yeah. wait wait yeah yeah you could take the. headphones off. yeah yeah let's see if she can see if. you can do it because this is how many. pounds george you think this is. 15. third is about 30. yeah rice all right. keep it on your head around your head. yeah. all right for the rest of the episode no. so anyway.

put it down put it down put it down. i'm we're i'm happy that you finally got. a job jules we love we love that i'm. glad that you've got some responsibility. in the world okay so you're saying they. pay you less at the store. i think i make less at the store. how do you make don't they make you guys. minimum wage. maybe i just work less hours. what no you're working you're always. there yeah you're there i think i've. never not seen you there now i know you. know. you know what jetski said. she goes uh. oh i'm not making that much you know.

you're not making 20 an hour yeah you. should sue them we should sue them no. let's do the comedy store people who say. it's so funny when comics who work there. are like we should make more money there. it's like why are you here you're not. right you're not here you're not there. for the money no no no you're too smart. is there is let me ask you this because. i know back in the day in my time when i. was a doorman yeah we had. scams going you guys got scams don't you. guys have scams going. i got the key and i threw it right back. now open it up.

and someone came up i was working the or. cover last night yeah so we go hey are. you jet ski and yeah i love you i'm bad. friends takes out a 20 puts it in the. tip hell yeah yeah yeah you should just. put a bucket out that says jet ski on. bad friends yes. you have to split the [ __ ] 20 with. other people i don't know if i have to. but i did. she's a good soul wow she's a good soul. get your own pocket. no we split it you do yeah yeah no they.

have to man. because because otherwise then you know. what used to happen because i know i'm. not snitching because they all got in. trouble you remember when everyone got. in trouble people were pocketing money. and then wars started to break out. because people were like you're keeping. money and you're not putting it in the. pool this is the same at a restaurant if. you work at a restaurant and you put and. you pool tips some people don't put in. then it causes all this fighting turmoil. and then. i don't think. tips. i think i think you have to tip people. some doormen are just better than others.

okay all right and so whoever gets. you can't just because i know a couple. of chinless [ __ ] that you have. friends over there they don't do as good. of a job and i don't want to name names. but they have no chins man. literally don't bobby hit me up he goes. who's your friend with no chin at the. store. i don't know i like that kid. so you think no no tipping no [ __ ]. pooling tips no. i got i got to gripe real fast to put. out i'm not going to call out the place. i don't care.

i don't [ __ ] like it when they. include the tip already on the check. so like it was it was pre-included for. 18 i'll tell you there's multiple. reasons okay one it gives the server no. incentive to give you a better. experience whatsoever they don't [ __ ]. care they're going to get their money no. matter what that's [ __ ]. two. 18 percent is automatically included and. it was a note that said below it we do. this for the health and well-being of. our staff and our workers to provide a. better living wage for blah blah blah.

blah blah blah blah yeah why is it on me. [ __ ] it should be on your. company to pay people better then don't. just automatically take my [ __ ] money. that's [ __ ] if you wanted to [ __ ]. provide a better life for them you. should pay them more and then on top of. it the biggest. blunder is you automatically charge 18. well then i'm done i'm gonna do the. apple pay and walk away when i was gonna. give that person 20 25 i've tipped 30. percent you've take nothing probably to. as well huh. you probably took i've literally never.

once [ __ ] someone over on a tip. because i worked in restaurants but my. point is you're [ __ ] them out of two. more percent. why would you do that i was gonna give. them the extra two that's what you say. huh nothing i've never [ __ ] someone. out of a tip that's fine i've always. over tipped um you could leave more. no but i don't because because i i think. the system is [ __ ] i like that [ __ ]. that what do you think they should just. raise the prices on all their food no. the place was already a [ __ ] ripoff. that's what's even more gross all this. says to me is the people that own it and. run it are making way more [ __ ] money. i see and they're like oh we want to.

help the workers have a better wage you. don't have to. jews you don't have to agree [ __ ]. you don't have to agree i think. including. [ __ ] there are times where you can. say no i don't agree oh yeah like when i. said i'm not sure about the name juicy. we killed her. we all saw how that went i don't think. tip should be [ __ ] cool you think. tips should be included. it's their loss though let me can i just. that's my point is i was going to give. you 20. now you got eight you make an. argument though right to me it's i. always pick 25. right yeah.

but when i see the 18 thing right. i go all right well i'm just going to. give you that then. that's my point so i'm saying don't do. that they're lost what the [ __ ] does. that have anything to do with you bro i. don't like someone automatically. charging my car they charge your car but. if you're already tipping up well above. 18 anyway i'm saying you're an idiot you. guys are gonna get more money you're. [ __ ] your own people right but. there's nothing we're saying the same. thing. i'm annoying what are you angry about. though that's the thing it's coming from. anger because you should it's actually. and you know what it's technically.

illegal that's the point oh i just [ __ ]. up why is why why people are so entitled. no no because you could go crazy you. could go hey i want the manager to take. this off and they would and then i would. what i should have done is said take. this off i don't agree with this. principle and then i would have given. her 25 percent instead and the reason. why that's there dude is because. sometimes they get european that time. out i talked can i finish i know what. your white people do they [ __ ] they. [ __ ] cut off don't do a race thing. don't do racing i know you say a lot of. photos come here and they don't think. they have to tip yeah they do it's 20. 22. everybody from europe knows you tip.

over here i just ran into [ __ ] people. if you have enough money to come to the. united states on an airplane people from. you know this typing thing's crazy right. and i go i know but they're like we. don't even know how to deal at night. [ __ ] [ __ ] who are these pikeys. that you no how do they afford to get to. the united states you liar that's my. keys. listen okay everybody something that. you're angry when you came here from the. philippines you know that americans tip. no. thank you it's a fact it is true it is. true no it's [ __ ] yeah yeah but by.

the way you're right i look i did tipper. like the eighteen wasn't yeah you had to. well no no and then i left a 10 bill on. top of it to supplement the the. percentage that was missing but i was. like don't do that that's [ __ ]. annoying let me give this person a gift. on my own i don't need you to like and. the other argument would be oh well what. about people that like go in and they. undertip or they don't tip at all first. of all at a place that that is this nice. doesn't happen this isn't chili's i used. to work at it this isn't [ __ ] outback. i used to this is a high-end restaurant.

i used to work at the brockton villa. okay bring it up right it's a [ __ ]. restaurant in la jolla yeah okay. and i was one of the first original. night servers they were only a breakfast. place right i worked at the brockton. village well that's your problem now. it's a place that has night service it's. right on the cove right beautiful it's. beautiful look at the ocean okay you. were a night server that was and days. over i did the morning right so one. morning i was there i was slammed i had. table. i hit the front patio which is like the. most section two dude that's the most.

[ __ ] hardcore sex i have uh. i have a shore family um. story about the brockton villa i don't. know if i should talk about it yeah you. should uh but i'm gonna get in trouble. we hung up our polly stuff i love paul. also paulie's coming on this show in a. couple of weeks we're having them on. that's why i'll save this story for when. he he's here but my point is is that i. had a table it was i don't want to name. the race of the people it has nothing to. do with anything oh it doesn't no why. did you mention yeah why would you bring. it up. why would you mention it because it. wasn't white people that's all i have to.

say it wasn't a white person it was a. table of ten right and i remember being. slammed yeah slammed crushed. what do you mean crush slammed. overwhelmed yeah yeah yeah overwhelmed. with that with mostly whites. no. it was a mix yeah yeah. okay what is your attitude right now why. were you mentioning you mentioned the. race i'm just digging to find out what. race they were because you were the one. that was so adamant about what were they. at the time in this specific story they. were persians okay.

okay i'm just curious you brought it up. and the the bill was like four hundred. dollars bro right bro. yeah 400. yeah and i. they left me. a penny. one cent a physical penny yes or a. written on the chat or written on the. bill physical penny in the black thing. pretty tight right very fast and they. said the service was terrible was it. i was slammed i know but was it i don't.

know. that's the eye of the beholder. i have the beholder. that's the restaurant we should have. gone to i have the beholder. in glendale yeah so wait a minute yeah. they left you one physical penny yeah. and i remember going that's why i tipped. so extravagantly because i. even if the surface is terrible oh yeah. it's just a terrible i always tip i. always tip right i just i never i never. will [ __ ] people over because i worked. in a restaurant but i'm just saying. i guess that what we're both saying is. that.

the reason that they do this on bills is. because of persian people yeah. [Laughter]. yeah yeah. so persian people it's all your fault. tipping in cafe restaurants cafes in. iran is mostly not done or expected so. that's what i'm saying so in iran they. don't yeah so what i'm saying is that's. why i wish at that time my restaurant. had a 18 [ __ ] thing in the [ __ ]. thing but you were a bad server. i was slammed i don't think i was that. was being funny. you just put down some food all right. yeah here you go you're you're slammed.

right yeah yeah oh this food is late and. cold i push i push pancake it's cold i. push it too bird. i don't know not your fingers out on. pancake why would your fingers be. pancakes i would do a county bit i don't. know give me a new pancake you can i'll. get a new one all right. will this one take 45 minutes yeah watch. i'll take the two and put it up on my. eyes i go look i'm googly i don't know. i want to talk to you. i don't know what to do and you walk. away and they're like we're definitely. going to leave that chinese guy a penny. yeah that was you that's what you did.

you pancake facts yeah. yeah i think my problem is is that. whenever i and that they complained. about all the time my thumb was always. in the food oh my god your thumbs too no. because when i'm carrying it right. show your thumbs to the camera look at. those things if we can zoom punch in on. that. thumbs up no please. well that's my thumbs would be in the. [ __ ] play right and i would and then. they'd be like yeah why is your thumbs. in my scrambled eggs. 100 yuck okay well. i got [ __ ] all the time by the way you.

want to talk about getting [ __ ] on. tips i got [ __ ] constantly in college. i worked at a wing place we had we had. 10 cent wings. how much how many [ __ ] tips you think. i got oh nothing 10 cents terrible i. want one barbecue and one honey mustard. two wings yeah. i'm not kidding and i go sir we have a. minimum of we have a minimum of a half a. dozen a minimum of six so 60 cents. minimum and you gotta and you have to. buy a drink a lemonade if you don't want. a cocktail and they go i don't want it. let me talk to your manager like yeah i. mean bring them over they would.

literally i would got change thursday. whatever it was wednesday nights i'd. have changed. yeah i know walk home. i did three dollars and [ __ ] nickels. in my pocket. yeah i know comics that. did comedy way early so they never had a. day job and their attitudes are like. just wack what do you mean they're just. they they don't know what it's like to. have a shitty job right yeah it's like. you know it's like you and i i like i. didn't make it until like my 30s we. still haven't made it really i know. exactly we're still kind of still kind. of struggling up there you know i mean.

but my point is is that um still kind of. drudging through it yeah um but yeah so. glad i had those experiences because. that's why years and years of like how. am i [ __ ] gonna pay around because. she said to me something i don't know if. i can say that well no it wasn't that. private. but you said. you were like i feel like. i'm about to get out of whatever. situation i'm in and you're like i feel. like i'm about to. get to a new level yeah both. professionally and personally and i. thought that was a good that made me. feel good in my heart because i was like. i really hope you do because i know you. work super [ __ ] hard and you're very.

funny and i could tell her her. self-deprecation was on a high when we. walked by her and she's pulling out a. trash can out of the main room and. and i and she and i was like hey and she. goes hi she goes really knocked me right. back down to earth and she was dragging. a trash can through the hallway and i. was like. you're not going to be doing that for. long. i hope not no you have a commercial. agent uh-uh why. uh i'm gonna skip that step go straight. to movies hell yeah [ __ ] do you not.

want to do it. no i just i just don't right now i. all these things are coming into my life. so fast right now and i'm just trying to. enjoy it hold me tomorrow i'll get you. one yeah you should have one you should. go off for one. i know the guy i will call you i have a. big day tomorrow i'm uh i. i do i'm going to the uh gynecologist. then i have actually. can we send a camera crew to go with her. for some bad friends content to the. gynecologist yeah thank you then i'm. going to active shooter training at the. store. and then i'm hosting potluck wait a.

minute there's active shooter training. what does that mean active shooter. someone comes in with a gun oh my god. they're having that there yeah so you. should feel safe. no no no we're all getting trained with. guns tomorrow yeah but you guys don't. you guys none of you are gonna have a. gun. i'm pretty sure that's what active. shooter training is you guys won't carry. guns on the night of shows i think. they're going to give us all guns okay. tight that's a good idea this is a. really good idea yeah let's give a bunch. of yeah because yeah all the doormen are. like bitter. resentful [ __ ] comics yeah how funny.

renee is parking in the car oh my god. and he's backing in and just goes off in. his pocket yeah yeah. raycon the greatest earbuds of all time. of all of all time you know what really. sucks bob the goat getting on the. treadmill. uh you're and you're you're pushing to. finish that last rep your earbuds. but yeah well yeah that's bad in the. first place yeah okay let's say you're. on an elliptical because you like those. it's better on your knees and your back. that's great and your earbud falls out. and bounces boom boom boom and it's gone.

yeah raycon doesn't oh my god do that. all right also if you stays in your ear. holes but not only that let's say you're. hiking with raycon right they look so. sexy sexy right someone's gonna go. and also the sound quality is better. than all of everything else well let me. say this the raycon's fitness earbuds. help you take your workout to the next. level because they got premium sound and. smart tech they were featured in. esquire's uh magazine as the best. gadgets of 2020 this is what i was gonna. and they're gonna get it this year again. battery life nine hours of play time 52. hours. nearly double the battery life of the. other brand every raycon customer.

basically forever yeah it is for you you. can listen to music forever forever you. can go to new york and halfway back yeah. yeah all right without charging they've. given the product over 37. 000 uh five star reviews now is the. first perfect time to pick up a pair up. because right now you can get raycon's. fitness ear buds for twenty dollars off. at biorecon dot com slash bad friends. and to make this deal even sweeter our. viewers are gonna get an extra 15 off. with our code bad friends 15 this is a. limited time offer so get in now before. it's gone that's code bad friends 15 at.

byraycon.com. bad friends. okay active shooter employee training. awareness by the way there's a new thing. going around there's kindergarten. teachers that are all over the internet. that are strapped up now look. kindergarten teachers with guns it's. like a new thing it's scary but you. gotta do it so look at this trained. armed and ready to teach kindergarten. more school employees are carrying guns. to defend against school shootings in. ohio. a contentious new law requires no more. than 24 hours of training so one day you. get to carry a gun around the kids. nap time. lay down.

lay down. i don't watch get the [ __ ] crayon. out of your mouth yeah bryson get it out. of your mouth who stole the cookie. [Laughter]. i have to go to the bathroom. where where do you have to go to the. bathroom number one or number two which. one well. you did it now good it's done all right. let's sing a [ __ ] song yeah. this is my gun. [Laughter].

that's [ __ ] nuts kindergarten. teachers with guns meanwhile like i feel. like rudy had that during during during. vivaldi the all the cops had guns and. they didn't go into the room and you've. evolved whatever it was oh yeah yeah. yeah there's like 40 50 cops just there. was a guy on his phone playing candy. crush he was just like all right we'll. be in there in one minute guys he's like. i gotta beat this [ __ ] level yeah do. you see that guy on his [ __ ] phone he. was literally on his phone chilling. there was another guy laughing. just [ __ ] around no there was this. guy there was a i don't know what this.

shot is but he was going. he's probably listening to bad friends. that's right that's right that's the. only excuse. holy [ __ ] he's smiling that guy. what could be funny what could be funny. in that hallway honestly okay so there's. a school shooter if one of us if he did. you and our cops right but if he did. have our podcast in his ear. no but that look at that. you and i are cops yeah and we're in the. school all right so you're here you're.

hearing kids. crying this has been gunshots it's bad. this is awful right yeah so what would. make us laugh. [Music]. yeah we're like all right boys. we have to flank in the side door you. have to move in slowly bob i want you to. stay down. we'd lose it. we'd start shooting each other laughing. yeah terrible yeah it's [ __ ] awful. that's awful yeah it's disgusting can i. so can i tell you about a story that i. just read yeah of course so i listened.

to sword and scare and i listened to. this last night it just blew my mind. listen to what sword and scale it's. another podcast sword and scale sword. and scale okay let's blank it out i. don't want anybody we're not promoting. it okay anyway so um. do you know who i've ever got named. michael hahn. michael hahn yeah i think that's his. name is he a murderer is this another. one of your crazy murderers. who is michael han bud maybe that's i. got the wrong name so many whites i. think i got the wrong name oh you know. what i looked up look up well he's. looking that up look this up look up um. names. names and color you know synesthesia.

when like um. words are color there's a website you. type in your name to see what colors. your name is. you know what synesthesia is synesthetic. people that can see color and like taste. sound and [ __ ] yeah i've done acid. matthew matthew matthew hahn look at. this though uh. go to go to that synesthesia look at. that type in one of our names to see. what they look what colors we are. there's like a there's like a generator. all right let's type in. let's type in juicy don't type in juicy. because she's not juicy anymore who are.

you now just jessie jetski jet ski type. in jet ski well that's nice colors nice. colors really a little purple yellow. how about my mine bobby bobby. yeah those are my [ __ ] colors all. dark. and one little red light one yellow. [Laughter]. i'm blue. island it kind of looks like a minion. turned up on the other side yeah oh. andrew whoa what am i i'm like the gay. pride flag i'm like one of those i'm. like the lgbtq plus flag kind of the. belgium flag colors a little bit yeah a.

little bit on the right how about rudy. well do juliana do her real name. portugal portugal on the right yeah. portugal on the right and on the left. it's. that's like the nazi party isn't it no. no what's on the left it's like it's uh. i think that's the neo-nazis yeah purple. black and white isn't that neo-nazi flag. i don't know neo-nazi flag by the way. this is great i love that he's this is. his computer. yeah that's it yeah that looks exactly. like yeah that's rudy's name aren't.

those the comedy star colors. yeah. yeah they are they are. yeah all right can i tell you about. matthew hahn now matthew 1 can i tell. you about matthew haan i love you juice. ah sorry not juice. matthew damn it did you get them yeah. the burglar the burglar all right so. check it out let's look so this is what. this is what happened so you know how we. have this. you know with the three strikes rule in. california yeah right yeah so this dude. had uh two strikes already as a burglar. he's been in prison for uh uh a long.

time what's the three strike rule. three burglars here. i think if it's three felonies yeah you. get a long time you get like california. strikes law was enacted in 94 the. essence of three strikes law was. required defendant convicted of any new. felony having suffered one prior of a. serious felony to be sentenced to state. prison for twice the term otherwise. provided by the crime holy [ __ ] so if. you [ __ ] up three times you're [ __ ] so. he had two strikes doing to check it out. so one night he was pretty good you know. a couple years he started doing math. this and that sounds good but then like.

his friend killed himself so he's like. he goes slips back into meth addiction. and now he has to steal more right he. already has two strikes so he cases this. house check it out this is crazy this is. crazy case is his house because he heard. that there was like a three-wheeler that. he wanted to steal there yeah the guy. loves three weeks yeah he couldn't find. it right and it's like three in the. morning and he's walking and he sees. like a bungalow in front of a house and. the doors open. and through the wood and the lights on. in it right there's no one in there. though and he sees a safe.

like a little safe so he just runs in. there grabs the safe gets in his car. with his body and they just drive off. early in the morning he opens the. [ __ ] save and there's six soiled. uh what are you diapers in there. in the safe imagine breaking off i'm. going to get make millions there's six. soiled diapers i got to tell you how. many times i've done that. right six oil diapers right and then. some a packet of fresh diapers like a. little packet like that a gun and then. some sort of like um internet uh what do.

you call that a member usb usb sticker. right yeah oh this i already know where. this goes. what the guy was into kid stuff or. something right so he puts it in there. right and it's him this a guy. with a three-year-old guy oh no i don't. know. i thought it was a prank the whole time. listen to what his predicament was now. right he's like do i turn this guy in. yes. or do i go to he's that's he that's. three strikes tournament oh turn him in.

oh no oh well let's let's make up our. own version are you going to tell me. more or no. well. does he do it well you even want to know. what he does well yeah he does it. obviously he turns him in. he does and then he gets a massive like. 50-year sentence what well that's not. fair but yeah no but then what happened. was oh by the way you just stole a safe. thinking that's a slap on the wrist like. yeah but the third strike but the. prosecutor. knew. about a story. and so he went the prosecutor went to. like newspapers to do articles about the.

guy yeah and then there was pressure. and then he got like seven years good. yeah that's great yeah yeah by the way. this is the better twist so what do you. do if i'm him if i'm the burglar yeah. and i just need i'm just thievering by. the way this is the problem with that. he's probably just stealing [ __ ]. just to get more meth and as long as. he's not hurting other people you're. like ah dude he's just stealing [ __ ]. cause he's a joke exactly exactly but if. i was him yeah i'd go back and i'd kill. that guy. what. i would 100 kill the guy who's doing. stuff with kids i killed i'd murder that.

guy on site yeah but now you get life in. prison i'd get away with it for sure i'd. plan it and by the way i by the way. i'd leave all the evidence out so when. they do find this nasty guy's body and. me riddled it up with holes then they. find out he's a perv mcgirve and i'd. leave the usb plugged in on a computer. so they'd see what he's doing so then no. one's gonna try to find the murderer. they'd be like this guy [ __ ] this guy. who cares right you know what i mean yep. wouldn't i get away with it yeah because. what cop is going to be like we got. investigate who killed this pervert. nobody [ __ ] cares they wouldn't. suspect you anyway because before that. you were just a thief exactly i was just.

a thief i'm not a murderer you can't. [ __ ] the guy or anything after. leave any dna you just gotta kill him. i don't know if i can do that. i gotta have to kiss i always kiss i. know you do i know everyone i killed. like a twist if i kill him i kiss him i. don't think he can't leave i go out. there. that's so [ __ ] gross that guy should. he should have just killed that guy yeah. you're right you're right i just shot. him right in the head. when he opened the face and he realized. what it was he was just like. what the [ __ ] do i do you know i mean he.

had to do something that's like an. episode of barry that sounds like you. ever watch do you watch barry i heard. it's good so [ __ ] good but it's [ __ ]. like that like these comparable things. you're like he shouldn't kill that guy. but also [ __ ] that guy it was kind of. the same way with dexter right where. like yeah you were like oh you shouldn't. be a murderer but also maybe it's okay. yeah and we know how you like justice. with those 18 gratuity addie. they deserve 20 at minimum everyone. deserves 20 at minimum but the dude's. now just fy the dude is out he's sober. for a long time he's got a beautiful you.

should have him on the show yeah and he. also does podcast he's really. intelligent let's have him on the show. i'd love to have this guy on the show. math matthew matt haan matt haan right. you like him it kind of sounds asian. matt haan he's white is he yeah but he's. like a cool guy i've been seeing. interviews of them and it was just like. it's just an insane predicament what. were his other favorite thefts just. because he was his what were they i'm. saying were they i don't remember what. they were like just money and what's. that what thievery are we okay with. morally and ethically in this room.

grocery store yeah grocery store i'm. okay with comedy store. when it comes to like big corporations. i'm like take care take it take it take. it [ __ ] whole foods [ __ ] amazon same. same thing [ __ ] anything big box chain. [ __ ] costco steel. target steel kmart walmart steel steel. sometimes though in target they'll get. people who are selling their product to. a bigger thing they've already sold them. though they've already sold.

want a little pain no that's [ __ ] up. okay you can only hurt the big box but. you know who i always wanted i'm cool. with robbing a bank by the way for the. record i think bank robbing is tight i. think it should come back i love it. it's just it's a lot can go wrong but. don't hurt anybody just get the money. good luck yeah but. because i would have to do the grenade.

thing the grenade thing like hold this. grenade and don't let it go oh you. pulled the pin and hold the yeah yeah. hold everyone give it i would give that. to you if i saw you in the bank i didn't. mean to be like watch this i'd be like. hold this and i'll just give it back to. you. two [ __ ] died while robbing a bank. but i would do the grenade thing what. else would you do good anything's good. no it's really good yeah yeah don't let. this go don't let this go yeah otherwise. everyone in here goes but i if i rode. rob bank i'd walk in with a real baby a.

real babe now that's not someone else's. baby yeah and the higher stakes don't. move or the baby gets. i'm it. kindergarten teacher. i'm off my ship. i'm on my nap time don't move. i'd bring in a baby and i go do you want. this baby to live yeah but it's not me. race into it it's got to be a white baby. value is that what it is i don't know do. you think. i'm just asking i don't think white. babies are the most expensive anymore. yeah. what do you think the most expensive. white baby is any non-white.

yeah because the culture shanks. culture's changing yeah yeah yeah yeah. times have changed it's a different. black baby. yeah yeah i think a mixed baby and you. don't know what it is yeah. a couple of nation babies a couple. canadians and that thing is worth as. much money as you i mean yeah. there's an instagram for mixed race. babies yeah mixed race babies instagram. yeah yeah. that's wild people just how many. followers more than all of us no 243 is. real. look at that girl right there. i mean that's something we bring that. girl nobody knows what she is that that.

girl. people like oh here's my money here's my. money take my money yeah look at how. good looking this mixed race baby is oh. my god yeah look at how good looking. this mixed race man do you want this. mixed race baby to live are you woke. there you are you woke up. right oh that one oh [ __ ] they won't. even know they're being robbed they'll. just be giving you just throwing the. bank will just be like oh my god open. the vault look at how cute that [ __ ]. kid is yeah what about a baby with down. syndrome. we'll be right back.

yeah you guys are the getaway driver. yeah. what kind of car did you get i got a. toyota prius. yeah we do want to save the environment. yeah environment while we're robbing. banks you know we would if we told her. to get a [ __ ] car and she got a prius. we would be angry non-tinted windows too. it's just like the bright everybody can. see us sitting in a nice prius at a stop. light and this color is like a light.

green. like a light green super trackable yeah. yeah yeah it's all they had at. enterprise. you rented it. did you use your old name you wouldn't. let me use your audi yeah yeah that's. right we can't let her use the house so. that's what she rented that thing yeah. should we show up to rob a bank by the. way. what bank are we robbing can we have a. consensus on what bank what bank do we. want to rob the most. is it wells fargo is it bank of america. wells fargo has done some shady [ __ ]. though which bank has the most.

controversies like wells fargo did they. get in trouble for like selling off your. [ __ ] information and all that stuff. no they took money from large accounts. oh we're okay wells fargo we're stealing. from them okay we all [ __ ] with you so. we're gonna. what part of town though. that matters what do you mean. it's got to be like it's got to be a. really nice welcome no no i think it's. got to be in a city where there's a lot. of traffic water traffic oh no i don't. well no i don't want a lot of traffic a. lot of people a lot of witnesses no no i. have smoke bombs oh you got smoke i.

brought this i had no idea that you had. smoke yeah and i want what color the. smoke what color i won't mix my grenades. with the smoke bombs i'll i'll have them. numbered can you imagine you get them. confused and you're like hold this going. yeah yeah that's what i'm saying what. color is your smoke say it's yellow. yeah it'll be yellow me and you have red. and yellow red yellow going up yeah yeah. that's like our wet bandits moniker we. always leave red and yellow smoke right. yeah so we're thinking right we were at. the scene baby and then rudy what is she. doing to help. i'll be a sniper. okay we're not murdering we're not gonna.

kill anybody we don't want anybody those. police aren't chasing you so you're. gonna shoot cops now you're a cop kill. the smoke yeah. you're a cop killer. yeah. okay maybe it could be like a. marshmallow gun or something just to. slow him down all right like rubber. bullets that's good rubber balls rubber. bullets. okay god she was so quick to be cool. with killing a cop yeah she didn't even. think about it yeah she was like [ __ ]. 12. i'll kill the cop all right so we no let. me ask you something. would you give a note or would you do it.

verbally i love a note. i love a good note yeah but you okay so. in line but i have bad handwriting. that's the problem like that would be me. we the people are fed up yeah we out. here i mean me that would be my. handwriting and i'd give it to the. teller and they'd be like. put the [ __ ]. in the zag yeah i'm like. you know what i'm saying yeah. and. i would probably do the yes and no boxes. oh can i rob you yeah. yes or no right and then after they.

filled it up can i have it back please. and i have to read it back yes. you know what i would hand somebody and. hand them a magic eye so they have to. like cross their eyes. to see it says we're robbing you yeah. yeah that's a pretty good one. right so we do it and then we do they we. hand them a bag yeah well what i don't. know how to do this i've never done this. before did we say that to them we've. never done this before we're just. handing you yeah do we hand you the bag. or do you hand us a bag yeah yeah what. bag do we bring in i gotta get a duffel. bag well cut well you want a nice brand. do you want a fancy one yeah gucci you.

want a gucci. okay so so our bag is cash with cash our. bag is worth four grand yeah and they. only fill it up with like two and a half. grand. that's true and we're like yeah we know. we got shitty shitty bags you're right. shitty bag we that ten dollar bag let's. say we just get trader joe's bags. fill these up fill these up now and.

they're like sir we only have so many. dollars here the rest is in the vault. and we don't have the access code. what do we do you say uh do you guys do. venmo. can you oh that's smart do you guys have. paypal can you imagine them scanning my. phone trying to get the code but it's. like it's not working yeah i just i. can't. and then as they go to pay me they're. like what are your last four digits to. your phone number because it's not going. through and i'm like i don't want to. give that to you because then you're. gonna know can i have i have a fantasy. sometimes. okay when i go to bed i'm robbing a bank.

but i spend 30 years. digging underground. to go up underneath it underneath the. bank. right and then because i don't feel like. it's metal. i think it's just concrete the floor i'm. sure the vault is steel yeah that's the. walls but in the bottom i don't think. it's no i'm sure they do steel yeah i. mean that's why i haven't tried it. because i want to i don't want to get to. that i don't want to get you i go yeah. it's metal that's the reason you haven't. tried it yeah yeah yeah but i in my mind. spends. it is of course steel yeah yeah that's.

you el chapo's tunnel yeah so i feel. like if i dig up there it's. concrete let's just say that it is. concrete yeah and you can buy the hole. right and they wait for like labor day. weekend when you know when they're not. open right they open it bank holiday. yeah bank holiday right right. and i go in there and i steal everything. in the vault all the money on the and. then here's my other fantasy. right on this on the bottom of it um. in the tunnels all around the tunnels. yeah i'll put mines.

so it explodes no it's annoying so so. so i'll dig 30 years to get to the. [ __ ] thing take the money take the. money out right and have carts and stuff. right and they'll put mines down why. because when the cops see it right it'll. just take them longer. right they'll go oh this whole tunnel is. mine so we have to be very. careful because we don't know where to. because my tunnels are also going to go. zig zaggy oh you want to make it real. complicated right so then when they look. this way they just go right or left they. don't know where the beginning point is. imagine you getting lost in one of your.

own tunnels when you're escaping with. money. you just can't get out yeah you die in. there you spent 30 years digging it but. i would i would dig elaborate tunnels. that guy pack money though that's what. happens it explodes what are you gonna. do about the dye packs. what's that so they put these dye packs. on money when the banks get robbed but. they put that in it like when you do a. robbery and they go here's your bag for. the money it goes they have die packs. and it explodes and it [ __ ] up the. money kind of like have you ever seen. those tags at really nice high-end um. clothing stores that like they beep or. they have like a.

they're like you can hear them ticking. they're like little electromagnetic tags. you've never seen this or heard this no. that really. like where do you show well sometimes. like high-end clothing stores you can. hear the electronic tags they have dye. in there. what happens is it'll explode and it. ruins the garment so it's like worthless. anyway they don't have dye in the. package yeah they do yes really in them. yeah really yes yes that's insane these. little electronic they sound like. ticking bombs you know what i'm talking. about carlos. you can physically hear them like.

you can hear them tick. wow pack is a radio-controlled device. used by banks to foil a bank robbery. dude it's been around since 1965 but if. you if i was some sort of engineer. i could create a mechanism right that. just. puts them off in the store just for fun. a banknote that is. this color with security die cannot be. redeemed right of course yeah so you. would make an engineering ploy to make. it so it wouldn't it's in a you said. clothing store right like she has.

that's for the robbers but then banksy. would be like i did that and then. everything would be. 80 billion sure they just said by the. way i just saw a sign on the highway. banksy just did like a sale like a art. sale here in los angeles los angeles. sale they had like a [ __ ] gallery. apparently that was going on here oh. yeah look at this. all sold out right like he did a. closing july 31st tickets are still. available oh so you can go.

watch [ __ ] and buy his art. how [ __ ] funny it is funny how he's. like anti-corporate but he's totally. [ __ ] corporate as [ __ ] like he wants. all that. huh billionaires so much money so much. money so much [ __ ] money i feel like. that's all of us like everybody hates. the rich but wants to be rich yeah i've. kind of i don't [ __ ] i don't hate the. rich i hate people there's certain. people you want to be rich yeah. how rich. what would you do with the money i want. a house i'd like to buy my mom a house. that's tight that's cool and i want to.

pay off my car. yeah and maybe buy some nicer clothes at. these ticking places yourself you want. to go. in clothes. okay yeah yeah well look at this says. that the research says 75 000 a year can. buy you happiness would that be enough. that's fine. that's good yeah wait 75 000 a year. these studies have been going on for. years they find that these studies find. that statistically typically the. happiest people are in a. range of income earning it's usually. around like 70 to 100 grand. and then those people tend to have the.

uh. on paper statistically happy lives like. they feel the most fulfilled and they. feel that they don't have they have. enough where they don't have a ton but. they don't have. too little they feel like they're in a. good pocket wow it's a global study by. the way that's insane look the global. study says 95 000 for life satisfaction. between 60 grand and 75 grand for. emotional well-being but this is based. on a lot of different factors that you. can't kind of put into but some i guess. they do think that that's like the. optimal number. i think i'm in the 12 to 24.

do you really really yeah that's your. like my whole like living on my own so. what would be the number that you think. would and by the way this is [ __ ]. because it's your net what is this. median listing home price was a million. dollars in l.a yeah it's [ __ ] gross. this place sucks this place sucks that's. insane um what's the number you think. would you be happy with like if you made. x amount of dollars a year you'd be like. i'm good. uh i i really don't know how to answer. that because i. don't. i like would want to buy a house so i. guess a million you need a million at.

least a million yeah so there's a. million for the house a million for the. house well you're two you need two. million your money is a house mommy's. two million pay off your car how much uh. you get a brand new car. you would get a brand new car i like my. car but uh okay so two million twenty. thousand twenty yeah two million twenty. thousand a couple of nice ticket. clothing source yeah i want your clothes. at your place i don't care i don't shop. there you can tell by the way my. wardrobe is pathetic yeah. but let's just say you want another ten. thousand dollars in clothes so i'm just. asking for two million thirty thousand. that's it that's right yeah that's dude.

but then you're done then i'm done then. you're zeroed out you're okay with it. but could i but then i'd like to give. back some money too. to whom to who like other comics up and. coming and probably find a charity no. that's nice you won't do that yeah like. how you give me a hundred dollars in the. lot i would do that. i'm gonna you're gonna see me and like. i've given you a hundred dollars yeah. you're gonna see me in 10 years and some. young kids gonna come park my car and. i'm gonna be like do you like money. i've said that do you like money yeah we. talked about it okay can i say this.

though that money that you got is from. the improv. okay because the improv pays you cash. yeah right so whenever i play the improv. i always give that cash away well if i. knew that i would have said keep your. improv money yeah she hates the improv. rudy how much do you want to make. um you already made she's already making. like 700 000 a year or something right. now yeah at that bookstore bookstore is. paying a lot of money i just want. three million.

a year yeah okay jesus christ just a. little bit your mind your mind you're. warped i love it yeah i think i asked. for too little yeah. what is this gucci knives or six hundred. dollars a knife. that's what you're gonna buy with your. money oh that's a set of two yeah that's. for that's for one lonely guy we wanted. to know what you guys wanted to make and. apparently three million dollars a year. is [ __ ] how are you gonna do that. jules how the [ __ ] are we gonna make you. 3 million a year that's so much money. okay maybe three million. like in total already for the rest of.

your life yeah well we okay we were. doing yearly how long you gonna live. forever. 35. you're gonna live till you're 35. yeah. so 15 more years yeah oh my god it's so. sad so 3 million 3 million divided by 15. years you're going to make 200 grand a. year. we could probably get you there i guess. we get you there. you want to die at 35 kiddo because what. if i get. hit or something or get shot. who's hitting you.

i don't know who's shooting you bud. a school shooter. they don't really go for uh [ __ ]. community colleges i feel like they. stick to this big she's in the. university csun. is is northwestern a community college. no cal state cal state california oh cal. state northridge is that well they don't. like cal state school they don't like. cal state school scooters don't do cal. state. um i don't know what if i get eaten by a. bear or something eaten by a bear yeah. that seems unlikely unlikely but you'll.

be out of school by 35. i don't know not with this [ __ ] brain. yeah bear attacks are one in two million. there's no way no chance no chance shark. attack. more common probably for you especially. because you go swimming out there where. they are yeah one in three million but. do some do some math what about filipino. girls that go to hawaii often. but it's one in three million. that doesn't include people that don't. go in the ocean correct right just one. in three million people the three. million people in the ocean no i think. that's just one you have one in three.

million chance of getting bit by a shark. some guy that lives in [ __ ] um idaho. that is lives in the forest is not gonna. get bitten by a [ __ ] shark he. shouldn't be a part of the equation uh. heart heart disease then. okay 39 000 deaths in the females in the. philippines in 2019. all alright so you. can get heart disease. i can see it your diet's bad yeah that's. not. isn't it. i guess it does yeah yeah don't eat bad. [ __ ] mcdonald's french fries yeah what. the [ __ ] that's all what do you mean do. you think that's not a bad diet she. makes her own french fries terrible.

would you air fry it yeah i did it was. really soggy it's not good. you can't you can't air fry french fries. i think you can you can't well oven cook. them then you can oven cook them but you. can't air fry them they come soggy they. just get too soft can you can how do you. make crunch google how do you make. crispy a [ __ ] french fries in the. airfryer you know what's good in a pan. with oil and you fry them yeah. no that's really good. that's the best way to make it in a. traditional way to make french fries. she's like just put them in a pan with. oil i used to make those all the time.

air fryer set the kitchen appliance 350. okay it says you could do it but. yeah. unlike a microwave reheating fries with. the airfryer keeps them crisp so this is. saying it does get crisp in the airfryer. you [ __ ] up. five three to five minutes i did ten no. thirteen minutes thirteen minutes. i mean you overcooked it but they were. soggy they were soggy not cooked all the. way through i think your fries were cut. too thick oh yeah steak fries. okay they were cooked yeah you gotta. throw them out we'll switch that up. that's fine yeah yeah. i just go to [ __ ] mcdonald's why.

would you make it at home yeah you're. not going to be cheap you're not going. to beat the place that's been doing it. right for so long yeah yeah what are we. talking best fries in the game. mcdonald's. better than in and out. better than burger king better than. wendy's better than hamburger in town. now what. is high hall oh yeah oh yeah they're. good yeah real good. there yeah there's so many competitors. like burgers never say die all that [ __ ]. there's so many burgers my favorite's. easy street and they used to be in a. little tent by my house and now they've. moved to burbank dude i'm going to have. one of those right now right now.

you want one of those yeah. i'll take you right after this. we're going to. that's my favorite trying to eat less. red meat but it's not working. i said [ __ ] it i don't know what i'm i'm. trying no because i know it's not great. for you to eat it so much but i love it. so much but it clogs up my insides i. didn't poop for like four days when i. had kovacs i didn't need to know this. four days i don't know i don't care. about your schedule also i don't even. know if i had covert by the way i cause. i tested you tested positive yeah but. then three days later was negative.

yeah and everybody was like that i don't. know if that's possible maybe you have. monkey pox. you might have had it in your poop. it's what they're saying those with. digestive systems were more likely to. have a positive stool test. oh wow whoa. well i did put the swab in my nose and. then in my [ __ ]. so that does add up i guess. lack of appetite the most common symptom. oddly polar opposite couldn't stop. [ __ ] eating couldn't stop [ __ ]. eating like a fat [ __ ] i just sat on i.

have door dash all day long. i door dashed all day long on my [ __ ]. couch what do you get most like if you. look at your orders what's the most. if i look at my door dash app yeah i. want to let's go my door dash i'll see. what i order the most when i'm not. feeling well i usually do it when i'm. not feeling well because otherwise i go. get stuff. but it has your history right yeah. i'll tell you mine so where is it mine. goes morton's. casita del campo mortons. casito del campo casita del campa casita. del campo mortons so you like mixing it.

up a lot. that literally is my thing let me hear. yours let me hear yours i know mine by. heart it's sweet greens or joe's pizza. love joe's. so good. mine is thai food. thai food mendocino farms. uh pizza thai. goop kitchen. pizza. goop. sugar fish thai indian.

mendocino. jones it's all the same [ __ ] yeah well i. think when you order food like. especially during the pandemic when. that's everybody was doing so much of it. sometimes you get it delivered and it's. like not good yeah but then you find. your places that that do it the best. there's places that do the delivery the. best yeah. all right well listen um i want to. announce something okay happy to. announce we're getting married we are. getting married. i'm a little excited about it i have. decided i'm gonna finally shoot my.

special yeah netflix uh september 24th. i'm gonna be shooting at the paramount. theater in denver tickets should be. available by the time this comes out. um and in the meantime i'm doing i'm. gonna run my hour in a bunch of. different spots i'm doing salt lake city. september 9th and 10th and then we're. adding dates so go to andrewsantino.com. to see those i'll be running the hour. yeah i'm taping it september 24th i'm. nervous it's gonna be great i'm nervous. taping is so stinky live shows are so. fun but taping is so [ __ ] annoying. because you're there's so much that.

makes it look not like a comedy show. that you're like it's just it's t but. you know what i got a good crew people. doing it this uh. the same guys that i went and saw ari. shafir do his taping in new york and it. was [ __ ] beautiful and it didn't look. it cameras weren't in people's faces it. was like hidden so nobody kind of knew. it kind of felt they knew it was a. taping but it you know there's nothing. worse than when you're like taping a guy. like looking around a [ __ ] camera. stock and yeah it's just weird like. whenever i did the comedy central one. the half hours we would break they would.

stop. in between comics they go okay guys. we're gonna change some stuff out i was. like how are they gonna find this funny. they have to like sit there and wait for. a new comic for 20 minutes and then. that's why i would never do one where. it's a series like it's going to be you. joe dorothea you know i mean i want to. do my own when i do one it's going to be. my own thing that's why i waited yeah i. did this and i think i'm going to do. mine in the theater in a round. you want it in the round yeah. wow cause your body you want people to. see your whole body yeah and i also want. it to be like just kind of stacked you.

want to like falling in on you yeah i. want to stack theater in the round where. it's kind of like blood sport well. here's the deal yeah yeah. september 24th at the paramount theater. in denver i'm doing it go to. anderson.com to follow me before that to. see what other dates i'm doing outside. of salt lake city to warm up me and. bobby are planning a tour right now to. do bad friends next year we are going to. be coming tell us where you want us to. go because we're going to be doing a bad. friends tour maybe jet ski will be there. she'll open all the shows maybe all. right well everyone go visit rudy. go to anderson.com and come see me live.

and go visit rudy and tell say hey i'm a. bad friend and that is going to get you. how much off what's the discount at the. bookstore. five five what five what five percent. five percent. ten percent you're going to get 15 off. when you say i'm a bad friend too. um why don't you say goodbye for us. thank you for being a bad friend. [Music].