Bobby Is a Lazy Beaver | Ep 166 | Bad Friends

hey bad friends fans we're on tour baby. tour baby and this is our last leg what. is our last one these are one of our. last Legs for This chunk and we're going. to Jacksonville Florida Jacksonville. Florida run guys then we're doing St. Petersburg Hollywood Florida and then. Orlando Florida Jacksonville St. Petersburg Hollywood and Orlando come. out and see us after that we come back. to the West Coast baby and we're gonna. go to my hometown San Diego yeah we do. Riverside and San Diego two shows in. Riverside and then San Diego and then we. go back up to the Northeast but for now. Florida Riverside San Diego come out and.

see us in Jacksonville in Orlando in. Hollywood you're gonna love it you're. gonna learn so much about your life go. to badfriendspod.com badfriendspod.com. who are these two idiots. [Music]. or something we're bad friends well what. we got ourselves a brand new Asian well. am I being replaced because this is.

[ __ ] first of all she. saying in Jungle Asian I've never said. that have I no roll the tape. yeah and also I love all people I know. there's some some there's some Asians I. don't even know what island they're from. those are all the weird ones so many of. you guys there's so many more there's. different varieties I love it look at. these got his gooner jersey on my boy. you know what I'm so sorry I I um I love. you I love your soups I love your movies. what was it full metal jacket.

really good movie a classic it was. really good who directed it Coop Cube. The Coop have you seen it oh yeah coopsy. boobsy baby really you've seen it I've. seen it what is it about the Army yeah. and Wells and a really tough jacket. well it is full metal yeah it is a full. metal it's tough she's not wrong it's. not adamantium steel like no Marine. wears but it's pretty close yeah pretty. good so we got ourselves a brand new. Asian you have to announce yourself why.

because you're gonna be on camera yeah. she's she's on camera she's my new. Carlos she's my new Carlos much better. looking will you introduce. I think I got dropped in my head 99.9 of. Asians are high quiet sweet polite just. like lovable wonderful people and then. there's you yeah my dad goes pick me up. as a baby girl this one broke.

[ __ ] idiot. I try to shove you back in your mom yeah. there was something wrong with me since. day one well she's from uh where your. mother lives she's a she is a Phoenician. as it were we got a new Arizona uh. Phoenician in our mid so we got two AZ. scumbags in the house because I saw you. at my house the other day right yes and. you were with who are you are you coming. up with I thought she was with David so. and Tim what's his last name. and.

um. I always call them Tim Cucamonga I don't. know why because you know what I would. say his last name but it sounds right. yeah yeah but um and I thought oh Dave. and Tim brought a you know their. daughter I don't know what it was you. know what I mean but then she works for. us she works for us now amazing and I. saw she has a tattoo right in the middle. of her chest it's undeniable to you have. to see it it's like she's pulling Focus. what does the tattoo say it says it says. 666 and I was like what does that mean. to you. when she looks at it it's 999 that's. right so that's what she said yeah yeah.

um 666 is the mark of Satan the mark of. the beast or the Beast Beelzebub. and then I don't know if you guys know. that but they just approved uh Satanism. to be taught in schools. yeah. yeah is that what it says. that's her name the area code what is it. that's her name that was her mother's. pet name. come here two yeah two two that's what. it sounds like when I'm making love.

actual song anyway um no two to two. because it's what explain it in the mic. say what it is it means like alignment. and that if you're on like a path that. you feel like you're it's like kind of. Rocky it's like no you're on the right. path this is a tattoo that only someone. from Arizona would have right because. boy oh boy is a treacherous out there. it's pretty stretch for us well so um. there's a lot of people like you out. there huh a lot of babies yeah yeah a. lot of hippie dippies it's a hippie Vibe. right. do you like the Grateful Dead.

really dude I don't want to hear a jam. in G major for 45 minutes. they Jam for like 45 [ __ ] minutes I. love them it's fun big fan you like them. it was lead singer's name. uh. close I heard the first part yeah almost. Ted no yeah Jim yeah that's her that's. his name gems yeah how'd you know Ted.

gems. cat gems was the lead singer his name. was Jerry Garcia oh right right right. there's an ice cream named after him I. thought you meant the guitar how many. fingers did he have. at least eight. true pretty good nine he had nine and a. half nine and a half yeah a little. stubby Bubby. my girlfriend in high school her brother. was like a huge deadhead yeah or well. just a fan of of Jerry Garcia and there. was like an iconic poster that has his. hand prints on it and one finger is.

obviously missing whoa and every time I. went in there I thought he's gonna do. that to me because he finds out I'm. [ __ ] his sister he's gonna [ __ ]. Yakuza he was oh he was yeah he was he. was yucked up he was yucked up doubt. yeah when yakuz are yucked up they're. yoked up dog can I play you guys a song. that struck me this week and we're gonna. be free and clear on this song Can you. acapella no no but I want you to hear. some of it but I think we won't get. clipped for this because it's public. right because it's PBS. I don't want to live on the moon type.

that in my buddy Chris O'Connor shout. out to Connie's sent it to me I've been. listening to it all week. I don't want to live on the moon. [Music]. cause I don't want to live on the moon. no I don't. want to live. on the moon.

you came in I relate to Ernie so much. this is what you sing when you're in. Australia missing your wife no you know. what honestly it's a metaphor for it. that's written for adults maybe a song. for kids but that's definitely for. adults. I literally thought it was good the last. line was gonna be something crazy I know. you did yeah yeah but I wanted to start. it with away from the heart I wanted the. show to start from a very sweet simple. place and let me tell you something that. song is so deep and so perfect so simple. I thought he was gonna say you know I.

don't want to live on the moon. you don't mean like some I think twists. implied yeah yeah because he's gay oh. yeah well first of all are they not. allowed on the moon. no but I just thought that the ant there. was going to be a payoff at the end I. know you did two minutes I know you did. I wanted you to take that in and really. absorb that song well the end is him. getting back into bed with Bert and no. no I observe they don't have a double. that they have twin brothers yeah they.

push them they push them together oh. they do at the end oh yeah yeah that's. the unedited version Oh really the. explicit version he pushes about. together and they start 69ing and you're. like this is made for adults yep oh I. see I Don't Wanna Live on the moon how. beautiful. you know what dude if I think about it. it's so stunning and beautiful because. think about it dude okay. you ever looked at the Moon. I want to go out there and then you. think what am I going to do when I get. out there I gotta I got to be back here. by everybody I love yeah I mean if I was.

on the mood die you would die you would. die too no way I'd be prepped you. wouldn't bring [ __ ] I wouldn't even. bring the thing Carlos would call you. the car to the Moon. you get the car to the Moon hey man you. have a 7am pickup you'd make it I'd show. up nothing you'd pack nothing right dude. shoot me up everyone has their helmets. on in the suit I got nothing you have an. Arsenal jersey yeah and a vape can I. Vape in space that'd be their first. question can I walk out and I just. implode yeah you would implode you turn.

into that dust packet from ramen noodles. no Wi-Fi on the moon cats. can't switch on the moon dog I think you. can. you switch on the moon I'll tell you why. yeah because. um why flies from satellites boom. there's Wi-Fi nice try Jess yeah. satellites guess where they are space. not in the sea. are they in the sea they are they. absolutely are they're in the sea yeah. I'm learning a lot about space what is. wrong with you today dude I don't know.

man I know you're do you know what let. me say something to you that hit me in a. weird way Jolly right now that hit me in. a way you know what it really is it made. me I missed home we got home and I. thought that's what that song is about. that song is about being back with the. people that you love and the tour bus is. the moon the tour bus is the moon I. don't want to live on the [ __ ] moon. but we got visiting we can visit the. Boon we can visit the moon and then I. learn about space I learn Divine divine. Heavenly wait Divine geometry there is.

108 108 moons in between the Moon and. the Earth and there's 108 suns in. between the Sun and the Earth you tell. me that's not [ __ ] crazy. yeah I could tell a little bit yeah I. don't like it 108. look at that Jesus. Christ Divine geometry look at this. there's 108 Suns between the Sun and the. Earth there's 108 moons between the Moon.

and the Earth you telling me that's not. wait wait between the Moon and the Earth. there's 108 moons between the Sun and. the Earth there's 108 something. asteroids they're not [ __ ] they're. not moons I think it means like distance. distance dog they're not really the. moons I mean she's got it there oh 108. moons if you put them together yeah yeah. I think that there's 108 moons in. between two [ __ ] things this is how. much I've never seen that I'm [ __ ]. that's how much I like the movie Dean. when you finally got it she clapped a. little bit she went like this oh you got. it.

you with tits he has tits yeah yeah. before you get your hair cut yeah you. now look like your son all the tour. you've looked like my daughter would be. hottie no chance [ __ ] yeah no chance. first of all I would have her underwear. would be made out of [ __ ] cage yeah.

because she was showing her butthole to. everybody yeah yeah the butthole Queen. her pothole will be losing her vagina no. one's been there all right she's. Catholic yeah you let him in the back. you're the back in the back door yeah. that would not be your daughter I'm. sorry dude first of all what would my. daughter look like that not good. offensive what because if I did if I. [ __ ] had a baby with like Glenn Close. doesn't matter. right it would look like you know what. it would look like an Explorer oh yeah. yeah with Glenn Close an Explorer yeah.

like you know he travels to Seas or she. they oh they let you let your daughter. choose their gender bud. don't get too far ahead of yourself yeah. it's not even alive yet you'd have a. good looking kid I take it back you're a. hot guy. I I am stoned I know I know you are but. if you look at my photo of when I was 20. I looked okay you look really cute I did. this to myself. dude what's wrong with you right now. nothing I like it sing the song for me.

oh I'd like to live for no more no I. don't want to live on it I want to live. on the moon yeah you do see this is the. problem that's what that that's why. Ernie wrote that song because it's for. people like you that think they can live. on the moon all the time this was a. lesson I'm trying to impart on you can't. live on the moon all the time man I. think you're saying this that. um we're we should be grateful for war. where we are that's right that's what. the song is really about it's about I. just wanted to bless the room with. something peaceful and wonderful to. start yeah it's really beautiful dude I. really think it is yeah there was this.

comic named Peter Chan yeah you know. Peter Chang I don't. um first of all when I came to La he um. was at like a 50 year old Asian guy he. did his own documentary about his life. Peter Chen so he was 50 years old he. goes I'm the Asia around here right I. don't know what you're doing up here go. back to San Diego I remember you telling. me this right yeah and I got all right. dude relax right he was right though but. he had he had the best he would write. his own comebacks okay I don't want to.

do happy ones you know I'm not gonna do. the one like you don't bother me when. I'm walking right I don't go to your. work and slap the dick out your mouth. yeah those are great those are you know. these are hacky hear I mean no they're. great so he did this. if someone would hack a Lego you Heckle. one more time I stick you on the rocket. ship shoot you to the Moon. that was his [ __ ] comeback that's. pretty good everyone in the back would. be like ah you hear me because I'll just. be what the [ __ ] but they're clean but. the assumption is he's Asian must know. math must be engineer must be able to.

get somebody to the Moon I see it clear. as day dude that's actually a very good. [ __ ] you're in right now it's a deep. joke it's pretty deep can I tell you a. street joke yeah I'll have some I got a. street joke for you you guys is it clean. yeah good kind of kind of clean. Jewish guy and a Chinese guy are in a. bar. I've heard this one before you told me. yeah you told all of us the other day at. dinner I'm not gonna laugh You're gonna. laugh. oh I see differently though. all right there's Joe and his Chinamen.

are in a bar yeah okay. and. juice stands up punches to Chin him in. the face I hate this joke and he said. that's for Pearl Harbor. and China says that was the Japanese he. goes Chinese Japanese all the same to me. moments later Chinese guy gets up cracks. the Jew right in her mouth you says what. was that for says the Titanic and he. says that that was an iceberg. and he says Iceberg Steinberg it's all.

the same to me. you like it. [Music]. the best thing you told it it was way. longer yeah yeah I sped it up yeah I. sped it up sorry I made a joke sorry man. you know the grasshopper walk in the. barge I like that job huh you know that. joke no you know this joke um I don't. know grasshop rocks in the bar Partners. goes hey we have a drink name after you. grasshopper says you have a drink named. Steve. that's good that's good it's a good one.

dude Street jokes I love don't you love. Street jokes I do they're so fun yeah. yeah they're so simple and so easy. there's nothing to them yeah they don't. mean anything a gay couple are living. together here we go. and this is not that funny in sin by the. way go ahead so um they're living. together they're in love they love it. right and um one guy you know he's a. stay-at-home husband and the other guy. works you know what I mean and one. morning uh the businessman that's in the. relationship gets up to go to work and.

he sees his partner jerking off to into. a condom. into a condom yeah into economy goes. what are you doing man he goes I'm just. packing your lunch. [Laughter]. that's a great joke. you got one yeah my dad won it at dinner. oh give me the one your dad told I. didn't know if I was so excited to tell. this to everybody yeah it's a good joke. it's this older couple. um they both go to doctor because. they're having memory problems doctor. says no it's fine just write everything. down so like today they're getting uh he.

goes like do you want some ice cream she. goes yeah I want I want chocolate and. vanilla but write that down he goes I'll. remember it and she goes okay but I want. sprinkles too and write that down he. goes all right no I'll remember it she. goes and I want a cherry on top are you. writing this down he goes no don't worry. I'll remember it so he comes back like. 30 minutes later with a plate of bacon. and eggs and she goes what the hell are. you doing I asked for toast with that. I've heard it before I like that yes can.

I tell you the longest joke I've ever. heard we got nothing but time. it's a lot it's a long jump how much of. this is going to be cut I I'm loving it. all okay good all right so this is the. longest joke yeah I know it's pretty. long okay. I'm here all right so there was a great. magician named Fernando the Magnificent. right sold out Vegas residency in Vegas. sell out sell out sell out for years 20.

years sell out every night one of the. best magicians and he goes you know what. I'm gonna retire I'm gonna do my final. show right so he goes I need to come up. with a [ __ ] magic trick right that's. gonna blow everyone's Minds away and so. he's he's sitting there sitting there. riding it working on it and he [ __ ]. figures it out okay so final show now. Fernando the Magnificent okay and he. goes for my lap toward the end of the. show he goes for my last act I need a. volunteer I need the strongest man. in the room to help um help me with this.

next um trick and um no one raises his. hand come on the strongest guy please. and all of a sudden one hand in the. audience six foot eight redneck you know. what I mean thick muscular you know. because hey man. I'll try right come on what's your name. my name is Bubba all right so Bubba see. that middle back bat see that metal bat. on the stage bubble goes uh-huh I want. you to swing that pad and hit me in the. face.

foreign. I want to let you know I'm really strong. I'll [ __ ] kill you dude so I'm not. gonna do that and he goes hey man come. on just like it's a magic trick I got it. right just swing it. into my face it's a magic trick I'm not. gonna get hurt all right man all right. here we go he swings back hits Fernando. in the face open. his eyes rolled up he goes into.

convulsions he hits his back he goes. into coma you're right cut to now the. hospital. I know where this is going I don't know. right. Fernando so Bubba quits his job. he lives in Alabama he quit his job. because he feels so bad that he almost. killed Fernando the Magnificent so he's. at his bedside every day. right. [Laughter]. that's later right doctor comes in hey.

I'm sorry baba but we're gonna have to. take him off life of support because um. there's just no sign of activity yeah. and Bubba Goes look it is Pinky. and you see Fernando's pinky moving like. this. and the doc and the doctor goes okay. that's a sign I'll come back a month. later. I'm sorry one pinky is not gonna do it. look both pinkies. every month he comes in this doctor. every finger a new finger is moving. right right.

so then a year goes by whatever right. well um 10 months go by all the fingers. are moving right. and the doctor comes in and goes um. listen I know the fingers are moving but. we just you got to take them off life. support because his eyes are opening so. Fernando's eyes starts opening he looks. at the doctor looks at Buddha Bubba and. then he goes. [Laughter]. I knew it I knew it I feel like you've. told that joke on this show have I told.

that joke before I think so yeah then. why'd you make me [ __ ] mean again. worth it worth it tell her to get you. piece of [ __ ] the energy today feels. like it's at the right time I'll take. the best of yeah. doordash you know what Andrew I love. getting delivery yeah you do and I love. delivery apps but my favorite one is. doordash I'll tell you why I use it all. over the country I'd lose use it in. Hawaii they have the best options. missing the syrup from your pancakes. Andrew or just ran out of your favorite. coffee creamer with doordash grocery. delivery you can get what you want right.

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about 20 minutes ago why. I was coming here I. I know but you never done that you know. out of I'm not high I'm not high. oh you're not no oh look. oh my God I think he's lying though I. think you're lying yeah what's wrong. with you that there's like there's a. namaste about you yeah dude I'm trying. to Zen you're like peace I'm trying to. [ __ ] Zen oh you're zoned out right. you didn't want to do this show and he. said well I'll I'll do some edibles. before coming yeah he told me he didn't.

want to do the show today I didn't I'm. just so tired same yeah hour and then I. I haven't packed same I'm doing laundry. okay. yeah and I just asked still showed up. for the show and I'm here too did a pod. before this I'm here I did two yesterday. I know you did you called me from with. Meghan Trainor yeah yeah wow what that's. cool it's okay it's fine she literally. is her I love her old family they're the. best they are actually her whole family. is wonderful I had we had dinner with. them she had dinner with my parents she.

told my parents in Australia Australia. is that your brand juice yes. that's the movie Juice. so let's shake it up. ready hold on let me just start I'm. sorry. you show your butthole. ten thousand dollars you look like a. race car driver yeah like in the best. way possible you look like you raced. Mario retirement yeah [ __ ]. let's go let's start new sorry let's. start fresh welcome to another episode.

of bad friends my name is Bobby and um. you know what dude I've been thinking. about the moon we're even thinking about. the moon I don't want to understand me. neither that would be terrible yeah it. did too far and but um I would visit it. like Armstrong did. Lance or Louis did Lance go all the way. up with her nut cancer that's Lance did. you buy one of those yellow bands back. in the day no I bought I bought what's a. yellow mean remember he had like the. Live Strong bracelets I bought a [ __ ]. load of them is it because of this. steroids or the cancer both one led to.

the other I guess no but they were two. dollars and then one dollar went to. cancer research and the other one went. you know to the to the production of it. you can still buy Livestrong bracelets. oh that's amazing. why don't we have bad friends bracelets. we should have a particular research. yeah but what should the dot what should. the donation be so a dollar goes to the. production and a dollar goes to what our. charity of choice we should do that yeah. the charity is um. well I think somebody needs to find my. uh you know video game play cannot be.

you oh it has to be a third party can't. be you. um something you care about around the. world what do I really care about. honestly um. stilts for dwarves stilts were a big. stilt family because I think that they. can be taller they can be. you know or that operation can I just. say something you know the operation. where they sever the bones in China they. do it they sever the bones when Chinese. people are short and then they can't. walk for a year but then the girls the. bone grows in yeah and they become.

taller yeah with a callus on it or. something they insert some bone in there. can we do that limb lengthening surgery. can we do that we can yeah yeah we can. do oh did you get your limbs lengthened. what would you get your limbs lengthened. um no because I don't want my just my. legs I look weird so funny if you had. super long legs me yeah you look like a. lollipop. if you had really long legs well I would. do with stuff to my upper body so that. it would match like what sit-ups Dad no.

oh yeah I would look like a lollipop. yeah he'd be a lollipop or like those. cake pops at Starbucks yes yeah. yeah interesting what would you get done. if you could get a cosmetic surgery what. would you get done. um I probably would. if I could do if I could like have a. like like a body um thing it probably. genuinely would be I'd get a butt butt. injection I'd get bigger butt whoa I. want a big trunk dude. I I think you're I think you're right.

about the area but can I say something. what tighten up my butthole you think no. that pipe's been I saw your butthole on. the tour bus yeah can I share that. what'd you see inside of there not. inside it's you you need rectal. darkening I need to I know I need some. coloring it's way too pink can you. tattoo the inside of your teeth you. should be able to do it because it's. like it was so pink it looked like a. octopus [ __ ]. is that octopus [ __ ] did you see. anything hanging out in there no it was.

because I've had a guy very clean well. I've had a temporary resident in there. sometimes like a mouse a hemorrhoid. I've had a tenant I'm like what are you. Richard here. I've had a tenant that's uh not paying. rent I got to tell you and he comes and. goes as he pleases can you see it I have. the outside I have a hemorrhoid that's. squatting right now like if you showed. me to your butthole would I be able to. see its little eyes stick out yeah does. it hurt. sometimes yeah it does sometimes it. hurts but I you know I got it probably. from.

you know what I mean yeah yeah you this. well you know be cool about stress. that's what they're from stress. the seashells with the little slugs in. it with their beautiful eyes and they. look so cute yeah right why can't. hemorrhoids have that that's true. sticking out your butt little eyes. sticking out that'd be so cute yeah yeah. one point and looking around yeah that. would be less stressed yeah I gotta be. less stressed I know you could be less. stressed if it was cute like that yeah. like no that'd be more stressed because. everybody would want to see it dude if. that was your hemroid look at the little. eyes that's so cute.

hey Charlie hey guys yeah yeah oh that'd. be great can I do five minutes to open. the show. yeah Charlie you bombed last week we're. not gonna let you do it twice come on I. got some good ones my dad had a skin tag. in his pain. he had a hanger huh. wait how did you see your dad's taint. bud. this is a story I guess we gotta hear. we go. when I was a kid he took me to a Korean. spa. and you know Korean if you go to Korean.

spot they stretch they get naked and. stretch yeah they do and they make one. noise oh close I go I go I go I go. in a row so they stretch and one day I. was just sitting there on like uh. bench and my dad was going I go and he. bent over and there was a skin tag and. in my head this is how [ __ ] crazy I. was. I I heard the skin tag talk and you know. what he said. help help he's trapped right and then I.

would have like this inner like dialogue. with the skin tag like why didn't you go. up in in the neck where all the other. skin tags are. what you grew in the wrong place no he. got lost I know he got lost. transfer that over to the neck you can't. yeah imagine ruining a I mean removing a. skin tag and then placing it somewhere. else on your body from your taint to. your neck here yeah yeah yeah honestly. I've never seen my dad's taint I can't. believe you got this have you seen your. dad's General penis yeah every boy sees.

their dad's penis there we go yeah you. do yeah yeah my dad got out of the. shower I was like seven and he go and I. was like oh sorry and I walked in he. goes get over here. and I came back in and he goes. you like wind. I go wind yeah he goes you like Mills. they go Mills yeah he goes what about. windmills any windows. and he just windmilled it and honestly. it was so big I heard. [Laughter].

that's hilarious it was nuts you know. what my dad used to do what. he I don't know why but he heard about. the pink pull my finger. but he didn't know that there was a fart. I pull it nothing would happen what did. he think that was. good you're supposed to be a fart at the. end of that Dad. by the way you want to know what fine. we're actually going to catch on the. road the amount of times Bobby's farted. into the mic I guarantee you we're. getting [ __ ] for something I've had so.

many good ones out they've been awesome. that had been pretty impressive there. was one like machine gun Vietnam. because your butt is angular thank you. thank you it is and it does and it has. the perfect slappy-pappy sound exactly. it does yeah it's got like little bat. wings that's what I've been doing though. yeah yeah I have a very good butthole. that is your butt that is a hundred. percent oh my God that's my butt you. have Hank Hill's butt I can't kill. somebody. that's amazing damn it Bobby I got that. surgically done you did yeah yeah so.

have you seen that guy that's gotten um. all his surgery he's gotten muscles fake. muscles put in his whole body he's like. Russian or something he's got so look a. hundred percent of all of his body has. been surgically done look at this look. at this look at this that's one of the. cases that's not the main guy that but. this is them injecting fake muscles into. them they they're not strong these guys. can't lift anything but it's all like. different chemicals and Waters and. solutions and saline and [ __ ] it they.

look like Popeye this guy got fake those. are fake abs they're injected are they. drawn in no dude those are that's put. into his body that's like a physical. piece look at his face well that's not a. NAB his face isn't an app oh that's an. abscess that's different yeah it looks. manufactured I mean and let me ask you. something being the only girl you're a. girl too. you like more of a kid though hold on. though oh my God what a moment that just. happened I I'm a girl I never saw my.

dad's penis. no we say guys get to see their dad's. peanut girls you see the reason why I. said that I'm so sorry to apologize. did that hurt your feelings no. no right yeah but can I tell you why I. said that because I don't view you as a. man or a woman I view as a comedian up. here. [ __ ]. no you know what's so funny I couldn't. agree with you more yeah yeah couldn't. agree with you more yeah I don't treat.

you like like I would any other comedian. that opens for us that's right and. that's my slave. you know that's beautiful I don't see. you as a man either. okay I could take that you know what. I'll take that what do you view me as. a comedian okay thank you and that's. good what do you view me as also a. comedian okay. I was waiting let me ask you to the lady. let me ask the two ladies in the room.

is that sexy to you. no no fake muscle guy no chance but why. do they do it then it's for cell phone. they feel like that's going to help. their image anyway. sad sad sad I liked my body I like your. body yeah it's Blobby it's not Blobby. yeah what do you think Blobby Bobby it's. Bobby it's Blobby yeah yeah you're. Blobby you remind me of a stress ball. let me think about it yeah.

no to me it hurt why stress ball first. of all everybody wants because because. they're squeezable everybody wants to. touch them yeah okay they feel relaxed. tell me when I've said something that's. not correct about you being a stress. about metaphor stress ball everybody. wants to touch it. right okay let me see can I finish let. me just say true or false for after. everyone fine so say it again everybody. wants to touch it Bing. true. it's soft.

and sweet. true. it's disposable you can throw it away. whenever you're done with it. [Music]. I was really waiting on the false sounds. you are a stress ball yeah. you know what you are. driftwood. hell yeah [ __ ] yeah dead wood yes. floating along the [ __ ] River. misshapen I can't wait till a beaver. uses me true dry.

true yeah unfuckable. true you've never seen a good piece of. Driftwood you wanted to stick yeah. you ever seen a beaver's dam I want to. [ __ ] the [ __ ] out of this thing yeah. show me a good old Beaver Dam I'll show. you a boner right here in the studio. when you just said that it's interesting. because if I had my personality in a. beaver I wouldn't have a damn. yeah because you have to work really. hard to make one look at those two.

beavers if that's you and I right that's. you and I right first of all you're the. front you're sleeping oh that well. because you know it's that's a. Tempur-Pedic log he's sleeping on. I don't know if you know that but yeah. so I'm sleeping and then you're going. come on dude we gotta make the [ __ ]. post about the damn. post about the damn they're No One's. Gonna Know it's here. post about it right so um no that it. that it honestly you would be the worst.

Beaver you'd die no you do you need a. damn to live as a beaver why did they. build them. I think Flex you think that's a big Flex. yeah it's like check out my damn you. know what I mean but I don't need it why. do they build Google that I have no idea. why I don't know why because it's not. that secure is it maybe they like still. water yeah I like that maybe they like. they like let's try to guess. why do beavers build a dam I think you. know what I think it is breathing I. think it's for breeding yeah yeah it's. got to be why do people build dams.

beavers build dams across streams to. create a pond where they can build a. Beaver Lodge to live in these ponds. provide protection from predators like. wolves coyotes or mountain lions so it's. got to be for breeding too no but check. this out check it out I have good people. skills the Wolves they love me no they. do you're gonna be the one Beaver I'm a. wolf ready oh yeah yeah. hey. you're dead already. you're dead within seconds let's try. again okay you won't get another life in.

real life I don't know all right ready. hey Rivera remember I gave you the. mushroom last week and the nut yeah I'm. just gonna go my way wait wait wait wait. wait wait yeah wait wait wait wait yeah. wait what where are you from. Korea I'm a Korean beaver you're a. creeper. a Graver on you go oh thank you I'd let. you go see it there we go I'll be. friends with all the Predators I guess. that's true yeah yeah but then you'd. attract them back to the dance.

what she's saying is they would be like. I want to hang out and go see that guy. but then they would let one guy in the. circle would be like I know we like. hanging out with them but we should. [ __ ] eat them right but then I would. have a side deal with that guy although. you can eat all my friends oh yeah it's. a [ __ ] sign which beavers in the room. are you throwing under the bus first oh. [ __ ] probably you yeah you're gone yeah. gone dude um the Asian one you're gone. yeah um and then you're last I'm not. kidding I'm Gone by that time because. you've tipped me off I'm running away.

guys I'm going to get more wood wink. wink [ __ ] what I would have done is. wrote written a letter on a piece of. bark right run run. yeah dear Andrew run so I'd hand it to. you well you I know these are my [ __ ]. walls friends yeah yeah yeah yeah. [Laughter]. broom with room you can shop thousands. of cars right from your phone and have. your next ride delivered straight to you. you guys you know I just bought a car. and you know what I hate going in this.

hot summer going to these lots and you. get sweaty yeah right and you have to. walk around I'm hungry you're hungry. you're thirsty but you can do all that. from the convenience of your own home my. friend you don't have to leave you just. get on your phone and get a car that's. insane and plus they give you a full. week or 250 miles whichever one comes. first to make sure that your new ride is. right for you plus all the cars on. vroom.com come with a 90-day limited. warranty and one year of roadside. assistance Nationwide giving you peace. of mind while you're zooming around the. road and guess what you can trade in. your old car when you buy your new one.

or you can even just sell your car to a. room when you sell your car on vroom you. get a price instantly and they'll even. come pick it up this is how great they. were we stole my mom's over car on there. and they gave me a price oh right away. didn't have to haggle or hassle or none. of that stuff told us what it was. swapped it out very easy and we didn't. you don't even have to buy a car from. them if you want to sell your car just. go ahead and do just that you can buy a. car from vroom entirely online so next. time you need to buy a car just grab. your phone go to vroom.com and check out. thousands of cars that's right grab your.

phone go to room.com and check out. thousands of cars today. that reminds me when we used to sneak. out of high school for lunch. like before when we were sophomores or. whatever and we'd sneak off campus and. you couldn't do that and we'd sneak back. in but we would pay off you know or give. or forget weed or something because it. wasn't always money these like home. monitor type guys we would just give. them whatever they wanted to sneak us. inside doors and they would have that. whole like hand of stuff like we can't. go down certain hallways oh you had.

connections like you can't go down. sophomore hall because they'll they'll. be out that way oh so you were kind of. like in your own little Mafia yeah. yeah yeah it was it was actually a very. coordinated effort it was part but they. they didn't really want us to get in. trouble either those guys were just yeah. you know what I mean yeah they were like. ah [ __ ] don't get busted by the by. the I used to smoke weed I would cup it. in your hand yeah so a couple like this. so that the you know you know it's. sticking and I cup it and smoke it and. never got caught and I used to do math. in the math book too what in the yeah in.

the crease if you snort you can snort. the math out of a crease yes I'm just. reading a book. you mean Bobby how are you liking. geometry. Bobby would go on to build one of the. best gazebos of all time but the most. humiliating was this I was such a poor. student my senior Year my brother was a. freshman and when I went to math class. he was in it. it was sucked and you still didn't do.

well in that class did you. how many times did you get held back in. a class that was only math. yeah but it seemed like my brother. laughed oh yeah he went ah you know what. I mean culturally so it was so. humiliating yeah and I was sober so I. was like ah [ __ ] school [ __ ] School dude. you don't need it you do you know you. don't please don't why would you need it. school yeah you need Elementary School. you can learn everything from movies and. television okay I'm not gonna argue with.

that. if you watch every movie every TV show. you can learn the language you learn you. can also learn things of how to escape. things I mean like in terms of like if. you watch um a heist movie okay what do. you mean Kate I don't like your tone. right now dude okay all right or you. know when you watch something like um. Braveheart what if you watch Die Hard. you learn what are you gonna learn you. can don't walk across the [ __ ] ground. when you have bare feet and there's. broken glass that's true so you know and. have I done that in my life never never.

I've never done that give me another. movie what if you Jurassic Park. I never get on those little tourist. rides oh so you're not you're never a. tourist no I'm I go to the facility. right but I don't go on those little and. let's see the Wilderness so you think. you can learn a lesson from every movie. exactly and you don't need school no. okay I'll give you another movie. choke a lot. [ __ ] I didn't see it yeah that's tough. huh well what's the lesson there then it.

took a lot. don't a lot don't eat chocolate the guys. the guy dies of diabetes oh he does she. takes it this is so [ __ ] cruel she. takes them she takes him on a date and. look at that this is so this is a. retelling story of Adam and Eve right. you know it's like Eve gave [ __ ] Adam. the apple he bites it and of course do. it with Johnny Depp see that chocolate. if that was your penis you'd let him. suck it in that photo well then yeah not. now no no not now that he's a [ __ ]. warlock. not letting that wizard suck my dick. yeah yeah [ __ ] cook but then dude oh.

my god dude he could suck the cream. right out of that thing yeah yeah look. at him now just [ __ ] Bonkers he's. okay there yeah but these are the best. pictures they could find right he's. wearing makeup you know we got in a real. discussion about this today about. leaving the writer strike that's. happening right and it's like I'll tell. you what yes pay the writers obviously. I'm for that also. you know any [ __ ] working actors. quote unquote that don't have any money. I know so many of them that are working. actors and they make no [ __ ] money.

it's not it's look it's time for the. writers to get what they're due but. honestly it's really sad what happens I. know people that come and do guest stars. and they're guest starring a ton they're. still not making enough to survive. I mean if I had to seriously live off of. just acting I would have a day job. that's a fact most dude look at this. Jeffrey Owens turns tables on Trader. Joe's shaming yeah remember him Jeffrey. owns he had to get a job at Trader Joe's. but then what happened to him was some. Fox it was a newscaster it was a fox. newscaster trying to shame them like. look at this guy that was used to be on. what was it the uh Martin Show what show.

was he on oh Cosby Show Cosby yeah yeah. he's on The Cosby Show look at you and. then they try to shame him and then. directors started make getting them jobs. I know but how awful that it took like a. [ __ ] moment for the internet and. shame to have this poor man have to it. just it's just weird to think that. that's how that works out sometimes and. by the way I don't know man could be a. mismanagement of money who knows what. was going on in his life. yeah as an actor because there's so much. streaming because there's just so much. out there that you don't make that much.

money and um you can't even become how. would you become super famous from. acting now. I think they hand pick you we talked. about this I think they hand-picked you. yeah they package you they they make you. the thing Margot Robbie was like born to. be a star yeah they wanted her to be. they have to be a genetic anomaly almost. used to look you have to look special. yeah you know what I saw today I saw. today I saw two women today walking out. of this restaurant. and I was like. what did they [ __ ] make you guys like.

they were they were walking together. yeah they looked fake they looked and. they they didn't have like a lot of work. done or anything but they were [ __ ]. beautiful and it's like I'm not supposed. to be next to you guys they should be. separate they should put them in a they. should be on the moon they should be on. the moon can I be on the moon with them. no [ __ ] way I will just be with their. friend who would not pass the test you. could drive the rocket ship to the Moon. maybe get out for a smoke break and say. hi yeah. like leading against the squatting oh. like an Asian Squad hey ladies good luck.

um no thanks I just said good luck back. to Earth. back to Earth I'll go. that's 100 oh that hurts so you would be. driving and I would be like I'd be doing. tickets you know I'd be the ticket taker. yeah on the hot ship to space what would. they say to you and they're like oh what. do you. are you taking tickets I go yeah and. they're like you're not so bad and then. and then I go thanks girls and then as. I'd walk away they go. yeah and I get their bags.

there we go um how do we start a fire in. this atmosphere yeah when they saw you. when they saw me. you're driving I'm taking tickets you're. definitely doing the bags yeah and. they're like what a nice young man who's. that boy that took her back what's his. name yeah he had pink glasses on yeah. you know okay. except the Fate dude we're not going to. the hot man we're not going to Hotmail I. know you're thinking about it but you.

don't you're not how do I get in the hot. mood if I was like Bezos. what can I own wait can I own hot moon. no [ __ ] way why because have you seen. Jeff Bezos look at him they wouldn't let. him on even if he owned it they'd be. like sorry Jeff yeah you got to be. really ugly to own the moon yeah. dude this is a [ __ ] movie that you're. driving the spaceship for the hot people. to go to space I'm taking tickets and. she's loading bags and we try to devise. a plan on how to get how to permanently. live up there yeah yeah I'll bring your.

bags to your room on the moon and I'm. like you know what I I think you left I. think you need to get a new ticket this. one doesn't work so I'll have to follow. you off into the moon and you'll have to. get a new credit card. it would be like The Hills Have Eyes and. you and I would live in a cave and. they'd walk by and they just see four. eyes blinking.

[Laughter]. because I don't like their attitude so. we're just staring at hot people all day. yeah yeah and just blinking and I would. probably like maybe we'd evolve into. making getting red glowy eyes we need. red glowy eyes okay we'll get those. before we leave oh yeah yeah we can go. to like you know do they sell a Hot. Topic okay I don't know where they're. still around I don't know what is that. what's that store that you can get red. glowy eyes Claire's Spencer's yes. Spencer's Gifts yeah yeah you can find. that but they'll have little dicks on.

the pupils hundred percent yeah a little. little freaked them out but I think. that's the truth we wouldn't be allowed. on hot Moon hot Moon isn't for us dude I. have an idea yeah. when uh you're driving the bus they're. distracted on their phones taking. selfies you empty everything out of. their bags and then when they Park you. guys get in the bags and then I'll carry. you guys you can't carry us uh I'll have. a dolly yes okay and it's the moon so. the gravity is like easier that's true. and I would look at you go you know what. [ __ ] this bus let's create a Glo Mars.

so we go to Mars and make ugly Mars uh. glow Mars is where we go oh yeah and we. don't let them come to the hot Moon they. wouldn't want to go I don't care if we. have a passport you can't come to ugly. moon but wait why would they even want. to because what do we have there that. they need the hottest what. we we're not hot this is what happens. when we're on [ __ ] ugly Mars like you. and I discover something more addictive. than opiates.

right and then we send her to the. [ __ ] with a sample of it yeah hot. moon right you give it to him it's a. little dabble she puts it in their bags. right right they take it they CA they're. jonesing now right we need to get the. Hugo uh Mars what sorry can't come. exactly we do the thing do we have a. gigantic metal finger that does this no. no no no no no no hotties yeah yeah nice. try yeah and then they're just shivering. do we ever go to war with them [ __ ] yeah.

dude yeah we do we take over hot [ __ ]. Moon dude we [ __ ] take it over Dude. honestly we wouldn't make it to hot Moon. and I'm okay with that you know like I. saw dude [ __ ] they're shooting. they're finishing rust they're finishing. rust they just wrapped rust oh really. they're gonna finish that movie they did. they just wrapped is he still in it Alec. he's still doing he's still shooting up. people oh I didn't know that's what that. movie was called that's the one hour. yeah look they finished they finished. production they went back to production. on it that's gross but on honestly yeah.

why would you win a shooting movie yeah. I just let it you gotta let that one go. that one call it a loss I think if. someone dies it's over it's over well. they did that with the crow it's over. yeah they finished it they finished it. without the star that's crazy but also I. know it's a huge loss for the it's a big. loss but but that's like what is it like. Force Major it's like there's got to be. an insurance classes like somebody died. yeah you gotta [ __ ] you can't imagine. yeah biggest movie of your career you're.

shooting it next year biggest of yours. what's it called [ __ ] career what's. it called baby ping pong ching chong. it's the greatest Ping Pong Champion am. I Ching Chong yes oh you're the star God. you're the star I thought you were gonna. say Randall Parks ching chong no no. you are pink the great ping pong ching. chong you know the story of him don't. you. oh the the legendary story of ping pong. ching chong if I'm a folklore yes why. not repeat it you know it I know you.

love it I know you know it it's. incredible and a white guy knowing it it. just puts [ __ ] butterflies in my. heart he was he was born where but and. he was born in Taiwan yeah exactly and. his parents and his parents uh instead. put him in a dumpster or something that. most people last night last names are. the Slants. right ping pong slant oh sure why not I. don't remember this is it yeah okay and. they bury him alive. oh because they thought it was a girl. yep.

I see and check this because there's. only one child policy that's right and. so they bury him in the backyard which. is disgusting and inhumane yeah so ping. pong's land's buried but let me tell you. something about ping pong the resiliency. what he uses his resources around him he. eats worms he's staying alive. underground also he's Asian so he's born. knowing karate already right so he does. that Uma Thurman thing right right. remember Donna Evil Dead sticking his. hands out right but and what that's. years later he grew underground that's. why I remember that yeah my bad so he.

grew to be a full-grown man right right. he's 19 20 years you're missing the. [ __ ] wise earthworm what there's an. earth when he's on that remember the. wise earthworm oh I love him yeah yeah. yeah yeah what does he say he's voiced. by Eddie Murphy Eddie Murphy right yeah. you're gonna be the greatest. player. yeah yeah you remember him yes yeah yeah. and he gives him the knowledge the. knowledge of it right you can get out of. you can get out of the situation you. just have to play ping pong right so.

sure enough he comes to United States. and becomes the greatest champion of all. time faces adversity racism hatred. setbacks and he becomes the greatest you. are playing ping pong ching chong who's. playing the worm. and if he can't do it Kat Williams said. he would do it but 30th is Eric Griffin. this motherfucker's gonna play ping pong. can't wait I can't wait so listen let me. say something how did he.

um. like he how old was he when he left the. [ __ ] Earth. would they but he was a baby they put. him on the ground I know but how long. was he down there with [ __ ] you know. man 20 years he became 20 years and then. he gets out and he knows how to speak. the worm talk teaches him everything. Chinese wise worm Cat Williams a wise. word I remember yeah I remember but he. speaks like Katt Williams because that's. the only voice he's ever heard so ping. pong ching chong is like I'm ready to. [ __ ] play ping pong [ __ ] right. that's what you got to do yeah right. this [ __ ] wants to play ping.

pong I'm ready to play ping pong [ __ ]. exactly [ __ ] yeah do I get the roll you. guys so here are the here's the deal. 2024 you're shooting in in Vancouver. that's where a lot of films are being. shot right and you're up there and sure. enough my cones. yeah we'll see yeah yeah we'll see we'll. see yeah yeah back it up dude oh so now. and I I swing the ping pong the the. paddle. I lose it and it kills it goes between a.

actress's mouth splits her mouth like. the Joker she dies and then what and. then the studio goes hey ping pong I'm. Bobby I'm playing we refer to you as. your character almost always yeah but. it's just a little racist when you call. me ping pong when I'm off screen sliding. you a check. oh 40 so ping pong back to what I was. saying ping Paws yes you're willing to. go forward yes okay there's a girl can. you Google this there is a girl who's.

girl snowboarding away from a bear I saw. this clip today yeah and I was like holy. [ __ ] [ __ ] this girl is so she has no. idea she's strapping in. was this one yeah and has no idea bear. is chasing her she's like listening to. music look at this. and there's a [ __ ] Bear right there. and she doesn't see it because the. camera's not the camera's just facing. her she doesn't see oh my God she. doesn't see what's behind her yeah so. look.

no but she has no idea she's inches away. from like a slip up or whatever from. just getting [ __ ] eaten alive. look you think he's gone no he's right. there. she's just cruising along. and she has no idea no [ __ ] look at. her face she doesn't she had an idea she. panic and fall thank God she never. turned around look there he is right now. whoa whoa it's like the Revenant every. time you think he's gone he's right. [ __ ] there right there. and now she gets over the crest of that.

hill and she rips and she's far away. yeah wow. I'd be dead imagine watching back that. footage yeah. piss piss myself I can smell bear. sorry. sick say it again. you can smell Bear yeah you think you've. got that Keen of a sense of smell oh I. know I know bear. I know better what does it smell like it. smells like wolf. but like half deer a heavy wolf you.

think a bear is a heavy wolf. they have similar smells is this one of. your Chinese calendars no because it's. like no big I'll tell you why though. I'll be real I can smell a bear because. I know what wet dog smells like well. that I know you so you know right that's. not what a bear smells it does it's in. the snow it's hair wet hair you can. smell it so all the king I'm like. Daredevil no I have senses man. yeah you've got the regular ones no I.

have extra smelling scents you think you. have an extra chromosome yeah dude I. [ __ ] noise. okay good very good one very good you. don't think you could smell bear no I. can't smell a [ __ ] bear and she had. no big goggles on yeah but that's can. you do you smoke with your eyes. you know you actually can smell with. your eyes. oh you can.

I can see smell I mean can you but human. beings don't we have an instinctual. thing when something dangerous around. when it's near you yeah yeah that's. pretty near dude. dude she was born with no [ __ ] no no. you know what she was born with what. [ __ ] Ripper dude. just got a rib dog I think that's insane. but yes when you when something is near. you you you're You're Something. instinctual kicks in to think that. something's near but she might have just.

thought it's snowy and windy I don't. know yeah you know the the biggest fear. I think my biggest fear is being in the. wilderness the tundra wherever yeah. Tundra yeah okay and you run across a. beast. you wrote across I don't know what the. Beast lives in tundra but it's got fangs. dude what does it look like oh it's got. [ __ ] Michael Shannon eyes. wide apart yeah the actor Michael. Shannon like Amanda Seyfried yeah right.

yeah two saber teeth. they're not coming out of the mouth. though where is it coming out cheek what. yeah but it's got more coming out of the. mouth what yeah so he's just like. melting teeth melting teeth right. Michael Shannon eyes right Shannon eyes. melty too yeah yeah the body of. Ralphie May. so slow yeah but the legs of Usain Bolt. yeah yeah she's saying like a 600 pound. Usain Bolt yes and he can run that fast. right Michael shannonize remember. Shannon eyes and high teeth and you're.

there right and you know there's nothing. you can do imagine that fear nothing. yeah what animal is that what do you. start doing what what do you start doing. I would probably smear poo on my face. charging towards you smear poo on. yourself well [ __ ] automatically because. that's your organic that's instinct. immediately on my face and I would just. fall to the ground man gets canceled for. doing blackface while getting mulled. face right I would pretend I was poo. what do you think what do you think.

imagine if they find you but they cancel. you because they're like hey man. Bobby was doing blackface while getting. attacked yeah Michael Shannon creature. was nearby no no no still dude you. didn't need to do blackface that's so. offensive. don't you have a fear of an animal like. curl up in a ball. you make it loud like you know those. airport guys with the what do you want. like a gay pride parade.

why yeah and see it and then just nobody. would scream. you would really scream and ski oh oh my. God there's a [ __ ] loud eight you're. supposed to get big you're supposed to. get big. true I thought that was a myth no they. say get big yeah I know they say that. but I thought you weren't here's the. deal if a bear is charging towards you. you're [ __ ] you're not gonna get big. you're not gonna get smaller you're. gonna go like this oh. you're not doing [ __ ] yeah you're not. doing [ __ ] [ __ ] like when we sign. with sharks in Hawaii you take an hour.

class and then one one I did remember I. don't remember the rest of them. splashing you can't Splash you're not. supposed to Splash right you have to. swim above them right but the third one. never. lock eyes look away you look away you. look away yeah like you like you blush. almost that's why autistic kids are so. good with sharks oh. you're right there's never been an. autistic kid attacked by a shark like.

with Rain Man. in the ocean never get back I gotta go. to Kmart shark fin soup fins or soup. that's a really good job imagine yeah. imagine it imagine though honestly even. though I knew that we went and swam with. um. manta rays or yeah manta ray manta ray. right manta ray in Hawaii and even. though I know that they're like these. things aren't going to hurt you there's. nothing about it but still you get near. them and you're like yeah.

what if it's not a manta ray what if. it's a Michael Shannon. they kind of look alike yeah yeah wait. wasn't it Stingray I don't know whatever. Stingray see that's what [ __ ] me up. because it's just killed the master yeah. Steve Irwin. or manta rays can they kill you no maybe. it was a manta ray right I don't know. are they deadly it looks they look like. bats in the ocean dude. look at that. but do they want to hurt the human I. don't remember what we swam with manta. rays are quite peaceful right they're. manta ray that's who we swam with manta.

ray they didn't want stingrays look up. that well yeah stingrays don't like you. stingrays don't like you why because. they're you know why yeah. because they're on I'll go Mars oh look. at those [ __ ] things look at the. fourth picture go to the click on the. fourth look at that [ __ ] ugly [ __ ]. holy [ __ ] dude now look at what a manta. ray looks like go to manta ray and look. at what those [ __ ] guys stingrays are. just ugly manta rays beautiful they're. on the moon yeah he looks like a [ __ ]. he looks like the bat the Batmobile I. just realized stingrays are the [ __ ]. Asian fish or the ocean you know why.

flat faces. [Laughter]. wow wow wow wow and does that offend you. no okay so the lesson that we learned. today. was that we are all going to go to Ugo. Mars but beware hot Moon yeah we're. [ __ ] coming for you buddy it's a war. it's a war so pack up right get ready. hunker down because I don't think hot. hot Moon folks are going to be able to.

handle I'll go Mars what's your plan of. attack Jesse go. um shotgun. what the [ __ ] yeah I didn't say weapon I. just mean Jesus you're gonna shoot a. shotgun into space. yeah it would be darling from Mars and. then I just traveled through this this. is your plan of attack and then you're. like what now and you're like we gotta. wait like a year and a half. and then it might get there yeah yeah. we're planning our attack and uh just.

[ __ ] take heed we're coming for you. baby yeah and what will we say when we. get there thank you for being a bad. friend. [Music]. um.