Bobby Complex & The Tall Whites | Ep 107 | Bad Friends

hey bad friends fans hi this weekend i'm. in irvine march 18th and 19th i'm at the. irvine improv and bob is telling you if. you don't sell it out he's going to quit. this show so yeah so that's that go get. the tickets or i'm going to quit the. show you're going to quit the show i. told you to say what you're supposed to. say so say that all right and then i'm. in vegas at the end of the month then i. go to dallas uh vancouver we're putting. up more dates as we go andrew. santino.com andrew santino.com. you two are bad friends who are these. two idiots white dude i'm an asian dude.

you two are disgusting. well you two or something we're bad. friends. two. for tea. and tea. tea trees. you what. oh is that it i don't know what you're. doing. i started with a song we started out. with a song sometimes oh i know oh. you're making up one yeah oh i didn't. don't correct me for making it up well. two for t is yeah yeah.

a teenage deer don't you know what does. everybody know what tea for two is do. you know t for two and two i've never. heard of that huh well whites. t for two and two for t. is that it two for two doors door stay. yeah bro this is like white [ __ ] bro i. said white [ __ ]. with a korean dude that's like from the. streets no white [ __ ] oh and i don't.

know any korean stuff. i love koreans give me a korean thing. no you're doing it two rides two. so what did i do so what did i do last. night by the way or what last night two. nights ago i did scissor brothers. i'm sorry me too you were great. i can't believe i did you were great i. stole jeremiah's baby yeah they had we. we did a little game mm-hmm i actually.

had a really good time filming it in. their in their sex dungeon it's it not. even sex it's disgusting it's terrible. it's disgusting you almost want to go am. i going to die i could hear raccoons. yeah clawing inside of the garage in the. back teenage deer is just. [Laughter]. just eating going yeah. can i ask you something are there deers. that are teenagers. that's all i need to know what's the. lifespan of a deer yeah yeah. the average lifespan of a deer is two to.

three years so no they never make it to. teenager. no but that that would mean that dear a. teenage year would be like nine months. old or whatever well no what's dear. years to human years that's what i'm. saying like dog you they have teenage. years it's probably a month though. yeah like yeah yeah they have a month to. smoke pot you know what i mean so when. they want to have a job you know what i. mean. only a few uh only a few male deer live. in captivity have been reported live. more than 15 years human asian theory. years. conversion yeah human to dear you oh. it's every for every one year is two two.

two and a quarter years of a deer and we. can do any animal here too this is great. well that's any animal that's [ __ ]. [ __ ] we know it we can compute any. animal he says oh i see. i thought that was just the thing for. every animal okay what about the turtle. a 16 year old. deer oh my god i'm way to do math this. is terrible yeah this is a lot harder. than i thought yeah it's 2.29 of one. human right mm-hmm. so so. why do we need to.

so go to the never said next year type. in 16 years i want to do this. type in 16 for a deer. just type in 16. letting me type on it. oh but this [ __ ] guy did you get the. coffee. no he definitely didn't oh did we get. the premium package for this website we. how come we're not subscribed to this. human conversion yeah easy calculation. can we just get a boost. anyway who gives a [ __ ] yeah. you saw batman for the second time yeah. did you like it the second time around. you know what lives longer than.

less than a teenage deer or a deer in. general. that i just [ __ ] the joke up. okay give me let's give another call go. ahead all right do you want to uh. you know what dies let me just see i. just need the wording do you want you. know what dies earlier than a deer. what carlos's hairline oh it's not good. see it's a bit bad yeah batman um. let's. cut all that out and call let's talk. about about the batman leave that in.

yeah yeah the batman did you see it did. not refuse to. i'm gonna see it i'm just i'm not in the. mood for i i've been fighting all the. trolls on the internet are mad about me. saying robert pattinson i don't like his. batman you're wrong you don't know what. you're talking about yeah i don't look i. don't want the kid from twilight to be. batman uh yeah he's absolutely amazing. sue me. he's amazing okay yeah yeah i don't like. his look. i didn't like steve martin in cheaper by. the dozen sure you did that movie was. amazing i just thought you could have.

gone to march short. no no. i mean that's how silly that sounds. though no it doesn't yeah. like i don't want i want batman to be a. tough guy a guys guy this guy isn't a. guy's guy i don't want uh cate blanchett. to play queen elizabeth i want idris. alba. no that one's not close okay i'm just. saying queen elizabeth's not a black guy. i know but in that now i want always. batman to be a guy's guy a tough guy. he's a tough guy in this dude no he's a. little emo emoji because he listens to a. little dashboard confessional because.

that's not batman. this batman this is the dashboard. conventional he cuts himself right ooh. batman's supposed to be a vapid rich. [ __ ] who's like a tough uh piece this. like tough rough neck who's trying to. avenge his parents death. but can i just say he's more violent. than all the other the film is more. violent he is a character i don't. believe him. watch the [ __ ] movie man so good let. me say something right now i don't. believe him i'm allowed to feel this way. all right but you know poison ivy is in.

it. and it's what's her name it's lenny. kravitz's kid right no that's catwoman. oh she's catwoman yeah who's poisonous. the girl that's in queens and gambit. oh i love her yeah yeah what's her name. anya taylor anya taylor joy. she's got those big shark eyes. right and she like plants trees. so she's poison ivy yeah. i still i just don't i just don't get it. i just want a man's man and harry styles. is like i think he's harry styles is. like being. uplifted to be robin.

because he's in it i think because his. name is robin and i just assume he's. robin i went to the grove to see it and. i fell asleep and i just i had [ __ ]. love you carlos yeah yeah because it's. great because it's [ __ ] isn't it no. it was honestly too late and i took. anxiety medication i just passed out he. was high he was high. and this is such [ __ ] [ __ ] what. addicts do they go well i was on anxiety. no you were [ __ ] you're almost out of. your mind and probably a little drinky. drink huh i no i did a little drink you. think huh no this is all projecting yeah.

bobby's is that. you [ __ ] where's my coffee man i you. have two red bulls oh that's true and. thank you. thank you for this um. but can i talk about what i just went. through with my parents mom please. so i realized that i was born to be. [ __ ] i mean i had no chance with my. parents raising me and stuff you mean. you were you were just there's no. there's no like i'll just give you an. example you're dealt a bad hand yeah. so you know i went through all the.

things that i went through and you know. and i what i discovered in the place. that i went to was that my mom had a. tough life and she you know i wouldn't. want to be sympathetic toward her. right and have empathy toward her and. i've never done this before we were at a. starbucks in phoenix. and i just took both her hands and i go. mom. i am so sorry the way you were raised. you know the way you discovered your. sister dead that one time and then you. you came to america and then you you. were born into an abusive home and it.

was just chaos in your life and i'm. sorry i'm literally crying and she goes. buca. and i go was that a new drink at. starbucks no i thought it was a korean. word i go boop what's a puka she goes. i hungry oh she wanted to eat yeah yeah. yeah and i go oh okay this is. this kind of taught i gotta tell you. though once you got buka on the mind. it's hard to get. you know it's like. when you think about like the size of.

the nineteen pounds of lasagna yeah. right and all that chopped salad. yeah look at the bamboo no but um. the valet add buca de beppo in phoenix. really yeah i did that was my job when i. was in college i used to valet you know. what i do because it was family style. three cars would pull up and i would rip. one valet ticket so i'd take the other. cash for the other two cars yeah i was a. thief i used to steal from american. valet. [ __ ] you guys yes i probably stole a. legitimate like four or five grand and. then my brother and i come get me.

come get me american valley but your. brother and i said that you talked about. you the car ride you yelled at him for a. good two and a half hours he said of the. four and a half hour car ride can i tell. you why huh. so all weekend i you know what i do is. like i'll go. hey do you know you watch some nathan. chen. what's nathan chan he's like what is. that i got that the figure skater he won. the gold and this and that he'd be like. nah. they'll go hey do you want to watch. something like if i recommend something. he doesn't want to watch it why he just.

doesn't so um. when on the car ride home i go hey you. want to he goes i'm not watching. anything because you don't watch my [ __ ]. oh that's what that's what it is you. don't watch my [ __ ] so you know what. bobby lee was like open i go you know. what. i'll watch your [ __ ] right right. so because all right find he goes every. wednesday i see this lady on youtube. and i go uh-huh you know youtube's every. day he could look at it. but this particular lady um will just. post something on wednesday that's her.

drop down or drop date yeah like us. and. she's i guess used to she was a. journalist and she found years ago. cows on a field. that were like mutilated. oh is this the alien [ __ ] yeah but it. gets really crazy okay what's her name. can we look her up yeah yeah i've had. googled because he not google but he. sent me all her information. so keep talking so her name is linda. moulton howe. linda moulton howe yeah h-o-w-e yeah. m-o-u-l-t-o-n.

yeah we got it okay good we'll look up. our wikipedia let's see what what's the. validity of this woman she used to be a. joker she want an emmy. i've won an emmy what does that mean. anyone could but um. i haven't won an emmy but she's like but. then she's like basically she's saying. there's a. there's a war between five different. alien races and look at it she's look at. her profile pictures by what aliens. built yeah and then she says um. there's an alien race called the tall. whites oh me.

i told you all this time i'm like i'm. not i'm different i'm unique yeah yeah. any white over 511 is a tall white yeah. and there's like this lizard race and. there's arachnids so that lizard race is. carlos arachnid. yeah who else is there another one just. standard alien me yeah you're a regular. yeah yeah a regular standard. yeah but telepathic oh oh a telepathic. alien well aliens are telepathic like. i'm like a little gray. the little grays are telepathic yeah. you're more yellow than gray but still.

yeah but when little grays hit the sun. the way i hit the sun they turn yellow. you [ __ ] [ __ ] got a little yellow. you little gray yeah but anyway my point. is is that. he believes it i do too you don't. believe in aliens at all no but a. specific five alien race war between. specific aliens that live on dwarf. [ __ ] moons behind pluto. yeah come on man you believe in that why. not. what's unbelievable about it look up. tall whites aliens.

i'm being real. they're gonna go to images nordic aliens. yeah nordic is the good go to images. okay yeah nordic aliens yeah that looks. just like me. i'm see-through like that guy oh so so. yeah orlando bloom yeah so orlando bloom. is a tall white he looks like it to me. yeah. walking with tall whites look at that a. guy did a whole thing about it yeah he. started walking around with him my point. is is that. you don't buy into your brother's.

[ __ ] i don't think i do. i got to tell you dude i'm a big alien. guy like who do you think built the. pyramid do you really think slaves built. the pyramids mathematically they cannot. figure out a way that those stones could. be hoisted up on the pyramids without. help. 2.3 million stones what do you say 2.3. million stones in that net yeah. and how heavy are those [ __ ] things. no matter what hoisting they found out. no matter how what kind of hoisting. mechanism it would be almost impossible. for them to hoist these stones i believe. that if i went to mexico okay.

just hear me out i am ready right and. let's say i had like a hundred billion. dollars. got it and i just went to mexico and i. went. all right we're gonna outdo the aliens. in two weeks we'd have something bigger. than that and more precise and more. but this wasn't for mexicans bud i know. but mexicans do it can do it if aliens. if the if the pyramids were in mexico. yeah i would believe that story 100 yeah. they're not they're in egypt. right but my point is is that if.

mexicans can do it egyptians can do it. that is not true mexicans are the are. the tip-top of knowing how to do work. nobody beats mexicans i know they're the. kings. i'm giving a compliment they are the. most. apt hardest working people i've ever. seen in my life yeah yeah but the. egyptians they're lazy dude they're. dancing oh yeah they are doing that. they're dancing all the time. and they're also like doing pottery yeah. a lot of pots too much pottery yeah they. had no time to do this. because there's no way they could do it. also they have the whole thing of like.

you know we're not going to bury them. we're going to mum. mummified just wrap it in saran wrap or. whatever they use. saran wrap. wrap it can you imagine how long it. would take to like exhausting they're. wrapping a guy's leg and at some point. they're like oh god just no one's gonna. see [ __ ] this yeah yeah at some point. you know what i would do i'd have. pre-cut. things and just lay over the head. like it's a pie crust if they pull turn. it over it's just all decades there's no. there's no [ __ ] wrapping i would just. do it really quickly oh yeah dude i. watched last night i watched a [ __ ].

thing called like roommates from hell or. something on netflix i tried to watch. that that this woman spoiler alert don't. care this woman this old sweet woman. look at that [ __ ]. that yeah dead [ __ ] there you go she. was uh. she buried all of her. all of her like uh live-in roommates. because there were people that came she. was like a. a rehabilitation center for the mentally. ill and the sick and all this stuff and. sh and and they started digging in her. backyard and they found.

so many [ __ ] bodies this one woman. listen i i i don't need to see it. because i know why she did it just by. the space on the phone give me a guess. because she's so hot yeah she's a babe. right so everybody wanted a boner yeah. and when you're an old lady and you're. hot and you have and she happens to look. look at her lips. you know they say that they say this. those are those are dsls if i've ever. seen them yeah those are ds i know baby. but listen they say the size and the. shape of a wound's mouth is directly. proportioned to the size and the shape. of their vagina look at that mouth.

tight. do they say that is that a common phrase. yeah that's what i've said you know what. i do what do they do about men's penises. what is the direction. when you're on a first date with. somebody you say that up front to the. girl and they do stuff to their lips. they go. hurry up. i'll just have the soup. yeah yeah what's the man's correlation. feet the size of your feet is correlated. yeah uh what size your feet.

nine and that's pretty big for for a. korean guy yeah not for korean just my. size no for a korean guy that's pretty. big average shoe size of a korean guy we. can look that up what's that george what. are you what is george how big is your. foot george. 11. 12. 10. wow bigger than all you guys what is. i'm bigger than all these is there a. korean one. yeah korean average shoot generally most. common shoe size in korea are interval. of so that's uh seven and a half to. twelve so you're right in the middle bud. you're right down the gut. so it's not big at all actually.

you're actually medium for a korean guy. which is a little bit of a letdown to be. honest with you. yeah i understand i'm a 12 and a half i. get the whole room george you're what an. inch taller than me. six two yeah yeah but are you saying. that you think that doc. our dog has a bigger penis than i do. i'm willing to guess yeah that's very. upsetting just because the melatonin. that's very upsetting melatonin melanin. he does take melatonin. do you miss him a little bit.

me yeah that you miss him when he's not. here. also jules is at school she can't well. it you know it happens the kids got to. learn is she get she's getting anything. out of education or no because didn't we. we helped fund some of this yeah she's. getting good grades. yeah but yeah but you know i got good. grades but i school was pretty worthless. to me i'm being honest yeah but she does. like three in the morning i can hear her. like just. like doing her exams like the night. before i mean like. i don't know what they do in college i. don't know what they do honestly i have.

no idea do they do essays like uh. mexican guys. oh yeah yeah yeah. she like did she repeat essay all over. another recording. this is a pythagorean theorem. hey um yeah i want to bring something up. that's controversial. florida just passed the don't say gay. bill do you know what this is it's been. touted as the don't say gay bill that's. actually not obvious. it actually passed it sure did right. uh it's not it's not it's not. it's been called the don't say gay bill.

by the lgbtqia plus community but. uh that's been nicknamed what it really. is is they're removing conversations. of let me read it directly from. what's up doc. yo. what up what's up man what up. what's happening. you're not gonna get here on time or. yeah i was riding around i don't know if.

you could park back here or not so i. kind of found them. dude take off your [ __ ] masks. in the microphone yeah and you know how. the microphone is the thing that we are. able to hear you through yeah. no [ __ ] trying to find a place to. park i was driving around and [ __ ] okay. i didn't know if you could park back. here dude this guy shows up with another. nasa piece of clothing. for the fourth time in a row yeah we get. it. where's your drinky i saw your drinking. yeah take that away from him no let him. let it sip it slightly that's not. it's ain't him. i'm not drunk or not [ __ ] bobby.

somebody else. can i give you a water instead. do you want to just hydrate no i'm not. even i just poured this the first one. for the day i know but can i just say. this you know somebody that doesn't have. a problem would just be like okay yeah. yeah yeah but so now i feel like it's a. problem oh i can get water if you if you. want to get a time out yeah let's. establish some rules today. no getting annihilated no getting into a. fight i'm not getting it and we're not.

going to step on each other okay we're. going to talk we're going to talk. smoothly smoothly this will be one of. the first podcasts we do where we don't. overlap each other. thank you carlos you're a good guy i. will save this for later. dude. okay. let's get back to the don't say gabriel. because i actually would love to hear. doc's interpretation of this yeah doc. there's a bill in florida the past. called the don't say gay bill. and it's not the bit that's what it's. been named but it's basically removing.

uh here i want to read it off this. carlos because i have it pretty it's. etched out here you go so don't say. gable it it's it's making it so. discussions about sexual orientation in. schools um. uh is eliminated and encouraging parents. to school school districts that that. openly speak about these topics so it's. removing discussions about sexual. orientation in schools meaning you know. about. gay transgender or blah blah blah blah. so what they're trying to do with the. critical race theory trying to remove it. don't remove it yeah what do you think.

doc. i mean if they is it all sexual or is it. just gay i think what they're. specifically going for is alternative. sexual lifestyle heterosexual you can. say whatever you want i imagine they ask. you you know i don't think that's in the. book. was that in some of your books. welcome to spanish 101 first first. phrase is we're going to learn is [ __ ]. in the ass. how do you say that in spanish carlos uh. i don't know what a fake mexican is the. worst you're the fakest mexican we have. by the way if we ever get in trouble.

for like being racist towards mexicans. and we think oh well we've got one we. should be good you'll you'll fail us. publicly but my dad came here from. mexico and he didn't want me to learn. spanish she wanted me to be super. american why because he's racist towards. his own race yeah kind of he didn't like. mexico when he first got here he was. like i never want to go back. wow yeah well if you want to know it was. kohala. in los angeles.

there's no way that's right yeah just. google [ __ ] me in the ass in spanish. yeah yeah no [ __ ] me why do we even need. to do that we just move on from it or i. do want to see if he was right yeah yeah. yeah oh no. uh what [ __ ] me in the ass. google translate just never does it. right yeah yeah. because that says fluke me and cool cool. is ass i know that okay say to [ __ ] it's. coherent c-o-g-e-r.

in korean it's uh i would have to say. that sounds awesome. [Laughter]. man bob man what when i forget stuff at. the store and i need snacks or drinks or. household essentials in 30 minutes or. less you know where i turn to.

doordad doordash my friend you know how. i know doordash huh because it's the. only app i have when it has something. anything to do with that when you need. food that's what you use there's other. companies that do the same thing but i. only have doordash because they're more. precise yep because you know i'm asian i. love precise precision you like. precision yeah i like it in 30 minutes i. like you know it's fresh fresh i like. when the and the delivery people are. nice and they drop it off at your door. like more options yep yeah they're the. best they connect you with the. restaurants you love right now right to. your door ordering is easy open the door.

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obvious repping once again detroit which. respect yeah those front zipper pockets. are fire. nothing's ever fallen out of those. [ __ ] can i also say something too is. for the first time from your waist down. i would probably wear that okay i've. never seen anything that you've ever. worn and said i want to get that where'd. you get that doc i'd be like. i don't ever want to go there but my. point is is that from your waist what. kind of jeans are those pants what yes. yes.

and the shoes are what nike come on. brand new too huh hey what's the symbol. on the front of them. i can't even it says i think it says new. york are those are those knicks shoes. yeah yeah no not nick's shoes they new. york city uh nikes no they're knicks. shoes they're knickers. hell yeah puerto rico dominic. listen wait dog the water. the water a little bit watermelon a. little bit a little bit more warm every. time you go on one of those things we're. going to make every single water drink a.

little water and a little wine. he doesn't want to be restricted i. understand i'm not even [ __ ] drunk. though. this one. is in 45 minutes. we're forcing into the future. what do you think as robert patterson as. um batman who's robert patterson first. of all okay let's move on perfect. he was the guy from twilight yeah i need. to move on. i watched inventing anna i'll tell you. that what's that it's on netflix about. that russian girl who likes [ __ ].

scammed all these people out of all this. money uh and it's the girl from ozark. and she talks like that she's like you. don't have my money. oh yeah yeah she uh collider tried to. get me to watch it no i didn't want to. watch big pass it's really tough her. voice is the hardest thing because she's. doing an accurate impression of this. girl but it's really tough to get. through yeah yeah it's tough i like. ozarks huh i like her ozarks she's good. in that she does like the little. southern drawl. but in this it's just she does an. accurate well i guess as accurate as you.

could be of this girl and. she was born in eastern europe russia. maybe and then she moved to germany so. she's got this word like half german. accent that's eastern europe it's the. majority of this [ __ ] thing go ahead. say it again what's your vow right you. look good you look tall. do it like you're wearing it. you look. you know how often bobby can say that to.

people what what are you wearing. [Laughter]. don't like it keep going. i have this new tequila i want you to. try. now you're slipping away into another. you're rushing too go ahead doc i'm. russian too. oh let's do it again. man this guy's good at improv. never misses a beast. never misses a beat i imagine that was a. live show yeah.

so yeah. give me the rules yeah yeah yeah give me. the rules tino. what you're wearing you look full. i will like. nice. i look fantastic [ __ ] you. really good very good you're tired.

i mean if i'm casting for this show i'm. like we've got the boyfriend yeah. if i'm casting for like an industrial. film for southwest airlines. you [ __ ] got it well. i just had to go do i had to go to adr. because i did you know i did a couple of. scenes in that movie house party they're. bringing back hidden plays which by the. way 25 years ago i think today was the. or yesterday was the. original release of house party but. they're remaking it and i did it and i. had to go to adr and i was like. the line was really tame and they were.

like oh we want to replace the word. vagina with something you know a little. bit less than i was like for the movie. it's like a. [ __ ] it'll be an online film yeah. and they were like no no it's it's. because it's going to be for airplanes. and [ __ ] too and i was like oh [ __ ]. i don't like when anything it's going to. be on an airplane because then i can if. i see someone watching a thing that i'm. on yeah it gives me the biggest panic. attack. really oh my [ __ ] god on an airplane. it's happened a few times where i'm like. you know what i did what.

i was on one episode of sean saves the. world. sean hayes oh yeah yeah and they played. it in the air. in on the airplane yeah and i just kind. of walked up and up. hello hello. but not like not like blatantly but i. was just kind of like no it was places. locking eyes with people and stuff like. that was really weird that's why bobby. didn't want to fly and do shows during. the pandemic because he didn't he didn't. want to wear a mask he wanted people to. see it was him on the plane that's why. you like the attention you're an. attention board. you're a [ __ ] [ __ ].

but you know what i have to advise with. my mom though if i'm with my mom i want. to get recognized. because i wonder i want to show her that. like. she was wrong. she was what do you mean she was right i. know no because she when i started. comedy she goes. my mom and dad were like don't call us. yeah again. pretty much and i would beg for money. and this and that was a struggle and. they would say. you you're not funny you're never gonna. walk not good you're right and i just.

kept going and going and then it's like. now. you know i just kind of like. she's this might be right. the old buca lady might be right yeah. did you get her some book by the way did. you end up booking with her no. what did you take her today did you go. fancy morton's you love morton's i went. to well we tried to go to my stores we. started all these other places but uh we. went to march it was a fun night we saw. batman too. with her that is cute you did all that. as a fam yeah i love my mom you know and. and can i say this. i sleep better your brother said this to.

me last minute house yeah my mom's house. than anywhere else on planet earth he. told me you actually got rest and he was. kind of awake but he was like bob. actually slept for like three four hours. no i was sleeping for like nine hours oh. you did oh yeah like solid and also i. never i haven't dreamt in a year you had. dreams i had dreams well i could. remember i don't remember but i just. remember waking up go i had a dream like. being aware that i had one yeah. so it was i don't know what it is it's. hot the bed sucks oh it's shitty it's. just a [ __ ] environment well you should.

see dude. this is what's in my room dude. do you have dreams doc do you remember. your dreams yeah i always wanted to do. this kind of weird he had a dream for a. year straight almost i don't really. dream that much really yeah my brain's. occupied [ __ ] yeah you get to dream. because you know this is it. you gotta check out the room that i list. this was in it what is that a [ __ ]. that's a mannequin that's the creepiest. thing i've ever seen right oh that's. [ __ ] weird yeah so that's in the room. so i go my mom has this in there so i. turned off the lights to go to bed.

[ __ ] it and i just [ __ ] did i threw. it you know is it a graduation thing. does it have like a she never graduated. from anywhere and she's got a cap and. gown yeah and then she has [ __ ]. mystique hair i don't know what the [ __ ]. that is i like it that wig but she has. this all over the house let me see the. mannequins that's like my school colors. too it's maroon and yeah maybe did your. mom go to asu and you just don't know no. no she wants to go and that's why i. think she has that there's also like. nefertiti is down there is she a big fan.

of oh my god it's just egyptian stuff. all over the house oh my god up there. everywhere. why do you think your mom's obsessed. with that did she build the pyramids did. the koreans build the pyramids that's. what i'm saying oh my god that's exactly. what i'm saying. oh my god i think the koreans have. something to do with aliens google that. to see if koreans might be aliens or. have anything to do with the pyramids. because i got to tell you something the. more i think about it. you gotta even have pyramids in korea of. course they appeared in korea yeah yeah. they found our cleopatra's cousin.

domino domino domino domino in um. yeah. korea yeah they're just a gigantic it's. twice the size of the eg. the temple i mean the pyramids in egypt. yeah and there's a mechanical door yeah. like a futuristic mechanical door that. you you press a button it's like a. little button. and there's a mechanic that opens it but. they don't they think it's alien origin. well look at this what's funny i'm just. it's just sound magical they don't even.

the world is magical but. open your eyes. so buzzed off of the wine. guantato the great was a monarch and uh. they believed the aliens like spoke. through him and guantanamo was korean. korean yeah okay yes dude guantanamo was. it zoom in zoom in on the about please. on the right-hand side now go back and. just zoom in on the about guantanamo the. great was the 19th monarch of goryeo his. full posthumous name means entombed in.

broad expander of domain peacemaker. supreme. the aliens spoke through when you when. you talk when you say words and cities. and stuff you don't have to do the. accent what are you talking about. read it again and read it normally. please okay this is the way you are you. know. was the 19th monarch. i'll do it again all right. guangero. the great was the 19th monarch of goguya. his full posthumous name means entombed.

in. broad expander of domain peacemaker. spring king. sometimes abbreviated to hawa taiwan. his error name is young. and he's occasionally recorded as young. yet. yeah. so this guy so this dude the aliens. spoke through people believe that yeah. people believe he's no no we believe it. we believe it he spoke the aliens spoke. through guang guangiro. why does that name sound not korean say. it in crusade with a korean accent.

guadal. that's him in a movie. uh it was a tv series actually in 2011. so that so alien spoke through this dude. and he communicated to the people of the. time the future yeah he was some sort of. peacemaker love that that's amazing. it's sort of how the japanese thought. that um. emperor hirohito was a sun god they. thought he was he was a literal sun god.

or like we'll die. for our god what's the chances that he. wasn't. one in a zillion. what if he was he could have been. because how do you know dude. what if you're a god. you know what i'm reinforcing right now. oh this is god syndrome i mean you. already have god syndrome anyway yeah. you have god syndrome no no i don't yeah. you do. i i don't think you no i don't he. doesn't you have a complex who okay who. yields this power more. you're always saying white power you'll.

be throwing that [ __ ] out. right first. first i'm always doing this. what the [ __ ] does this mean first of. all when i say hello don't go okey-dokey. like that okay. that is only at the meetings i've never. brought that to this. that's for me and my buds yeah pete wink. wink yeah and i got to tell you. something your god complex is way worse. than mine you bullied carlos into not. having coffee the first six seconds you. were in this room carlos how long have i. known you uh. same amount of time as i've known you no. who's. known you longer me or andrew i have.

known bobby a little longer because of. certain reasons it doesn't matter yeah. yeah it doesn't matter so our history is. deeper no it's not. it is years deeper and we have also. during those years that you met him you. didn't do anything for him. you probably bullied him then too all. right [ __ ] so can i just say how we know. or no yeah you can say it okay so at one. point i mean. you were abusing substances together. yeah at one point here um. was uh. sober. i know and that's how we knew each other.

okay but that's a deeper connection if. you knew anything about did you ever. call them check in on them no huh carlos. don't [ __ ] look at his name no i'm. not i'm like really trying to remember. and i i don't know yeah yeah yeah you'd. know because it would happen more. frequently. i took the bus to cedars to meet bobby. though yeah there we go that's you doing. another thing for him. yeah because my car broke down right. yeah i guess looking back you were on. the way too yeah yeah there you go. together god complex that's not a guy.

called you're a boss you boss everybody. around guy complex is an unshakeable. belief characterized by consistently. inflating feelings of personal ability. privilege or. infallibility that's you but my tone is. very peasant-like. i mean well that's just a position what. do you mean because you sucker people. you're a sociopath you suck are people. thinking. that you're a peasant when really you're. you've got this. cape all right i have two i have two. things going on please all right i ride. between peasant. like i i'm nothing i got nothing you.

know i mean right you know also there's. a lot of shame and guilt involved that's. because you have imposter syndrome. that's why right and then there's the. other extreme where i not extreme but i. have this thing like. the the rules don't apply to me correct. right but i don't think the rules you. think apply to you as well that's not. true i i think you can say thing like. when you get a parking ticket do you pay. it right away 100. but i rarely get one because i obey the. rules once i had a parking ticket i. can't even tell you okay when you get. you've never fed a meter in l.a never. never this time well how the [ __ ] do you. guys know i have tickets just sitting on.

your windshield for like three months. to park in the parking lot your prius at. one point had a ticket that was so old. it sunburnt it into the glass that's. real talk that is a real statement. a sunburned parking ticket into your. glasses i see what this is all right no. it's not a thing. this is what it is you [ __ ] dip [ __ ]. this is what the [ __ ] it is all right. whoa it's coming up. he's coming out you're [ __ ] angry oh. my god you've got me up against the wall. dude i'm putting it out.

here's the real honest truth right the. reason why i have parking tickets on my. [ __ ]. windshield. right cause you don't [ __ ] no i don't. know what to do with them. are you [ __ ] take them off and pay. them yeah i don't know how to do that on. the internet yep i don't know how. there's a website at the bottom two. weeks ago i just learned how to tell. time on the sticks. you mean the clock yeah the clock so.

mark maran taught me how to do it on on. tiger valley 50 years old yeah because i. refuse to learn oh why because it's just. out of stubbornness. like i've had girlfriends go it's easy. let me teach you guys i don't ever want. to know i'm digital for life have you. paid off parking tickets now are they. all gone but then what i had to do is. get some dude to do it. [Laughter]. to pay off your parking tickets yeah i. don't pay anything like my dude. clinton. i don't see his last name my dude. clinton i've been with him for 15 20.

years yeah and he all checks. right and everything goes to him the. reason why is if it goes to me it'd be. all gone. or you wouldn't know what to do with it. yeah i know your business manager. clinton yeah yeah let me tell you. something about this why what. it might take him. two. or three full weeks to cash a check. i sent the guy a check yeah he cash it. like a month later i know because how. old is that dude. he's like 90 years old yeah okay because. i called one time i was like what's your.

business address he's like four hold on. and he like walked outside yeah and read. it off the wall yeah he's a black guy. i chose black [ __ ] does that have to do. with the old black guy i like him. what is back what give him back that's. right i'm going back right i like to. give back right you know we go together. right he's your business and asians go. together.

all right so stop no no let that go i'm. not. i've never seen blind people go into a. liquor store a korean liquor store and. just start drinking. what you ain't met my father my real. father. what's the [ __ ] he used to do i used to. get mad at him oh she used to go to. liquor stores just drink in the store. grocery stores he used to just grab the.

apple juice drink it put it back on the. shelf. [Laughter]. dude. never got caught. and then when i asked him i said pops. man you why would you do that [ __ ] he. said [ __ ] him i'm thirsty i said that. ain't you still gotta pay for the [ __ ]. yeah. really and then he never did you ever. did you ever like just when he was going. down one aisle just you just went to. another aisle because you didn't want to. become i used to just like. i used to just like fake yeah just like. i used to fake like i got something to. do like pops i'ma go over here and look. at something and he'd be like all right. and then he come over there drinking a.

goddamn juice too and then he puts. everything [ __ ] don't bring the evidence. over either this [ __ ] you go to the. magazine section you know the colognes. and stuff that's in the magazine. i used to do that though. yeah yeah yeah that's real tough. butcherbox can i say something right now. last night i made spaghetti but i wanted. some ground beef oh yeah but i'm cool. because i have butcher box it's in the. down store uh downstairs i have a. specific freezer for this meat it's the. best meat in the market right i had a. delicious.

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think you do no this month better help. online therapy wants to remind you to. take care of your most important. relationship the one that you have with. yourself doc that's huge yeah you know. whether it's hitting the gym make time. for your haircut trying therapy you're. your greatest asset let me say this both. bob and i are big advocates for uh for. therapy any sort of mental health help. that you can get if this is for you. that's great too. we recommend it because uh it's online. therapy that offers video and phone even. live chat sessions but you don't have to. be on video if you don't want if it. makes you uncomfortable it's more.

affordable than in person therapy you're. gonna be matched with a therapist in. under 48 hours give it a try see why 2. million people have tried better help. online therapy this podcast is sponsored. by better help and bad friends listeners. get 10 off their first month at. betterhelp.com that's. b-e-t-t-e-r-h-e-l-p. dot com bad friends no it's not a guy. that's how you talk to people though. you have no like what are you talking. about you don't see how i talk to people. you don't exist in my world. it's stuff like that hurts. or hurts you don't exist. it hurts again. you don't see how i talk to people i'm.

extremely polite and sweet to people. yeah it's a it's a he can vouch for that. it's a mask. there's two sides to him right yeah. what's underneath hello how are you what. a great restaurant this is a delight or. whatever that's you is that what it. sounds like. to me you do that's what all white. people sound like but um but when you're. when you know you and you're just having. a conversation there's a lot of like. just listen to me man i know what it is. this is what it is look at this i can't. believe excessive pampering.

or criticism from parents. or a genetic predisposition [ __ ] if that. isn't bobby lee mm-hmm that's [ __ ]. that isn't you know look at carlos yeah. biological dad never have i i've never. been pampered ever it was the opposite. criticism from parents or a genetic. predisposition that's you in spades. that's like you to the way criticism. from parents. or a genetic predisposition just. desperately genetic predisposition right. so i don't think i have a genetic. predisposition yeah you do but you're.

born that way oh a hundred percent yeah. gods are born. see are poor kid thinks he's a god no i. don't i. maybe. well is a god complex part of uh. napoleon complex too being literally. might have a little you know that was. also that was also there's also fake. napoleon was average height for his side. for his time period. i'm sorry it's not the same thing it is. the same it's it's relative to each. other i think he's just saying you've. got a complex. complex is because he's small he wasn't.

small he was average size i'm just. saying. what the actual meaning means he was. five six that's like your height. and the five four. they should call it bobby complex. napoleon was taller than you. he was yeah that's good. how tall does it say i am six one papa. yeah as a fact right there america you. better believe it boys see i think what. the [ __ ] put those i think white people.

in general have a god complex. deep down inside and will you agree with. me. a lot of white people i'm not saying all. but a lot of people deep down inside. think that they're better yeah do you. think that they think they know that. they're better that's right right so. do you feel that well you know what i. think too though. i'd love to hear your insights. if you're the dominant species within.

your or dominant race within that. particular country. that that particular race is going to. have a god complex like over in africa. africans are go have a god player. complex russians have a compliment. mexican korean yeah yeah like if we if. he go to mexico they don't give a [ __ ]. about this guy you know what i mean it's. like they do think i'm canelo they love. me. mexicans love the show mixology they. just do they're just big fans yeah yeah. yeah but i'm just saying like. like.

after a while they gonna tell him you. better learn spanish he can't just go. over there just talk in english and tell. everybody you gotta learn how you sound. like a republican here in america yeah. you come over here you better learn. english but it could be anywhere it's. just that you died herman cain what the. [ __ ]. that was good yeah yeah yeah i'm alive. and well yeah. everybody.

dude he went to that tulsa trump rally. and no this isn't the height of covet i. know but not a single person with a mask. in that thing but but uh just in case. you thought biden's candidacy was going. to be anything other than completely. nuts team trump has released a new video. and david allen goes uh aren't you dead. that's close. by the way how boss is that that herman. can't get tweet from the grave the kang. gang that's a great name the kane gang. so we i believe that um.

are you right maybe maybe you're right. but can i but some societies like. koreans when they might have a god. complex but they don't have a history of. oppression oppressing another group of. people. each other right are you [ __ ] out of. your mind what the [ __ ] didn't you don't. think asians had [ __ ] they didn't. koreans koreans didn't have slaves. we didn't fly. koreans have slaves yeah google that. yeah because i think that's [ __ ]. wrong. somebody built them pyramids it wasn't. just somebody like you know what we're. korea had the longest broken.

korean but the youngest unbroken chain. of slavery of any society in history. spanning 1500 years [ __ ] off. that's not what it says. my eyes are blurry. i want to read it read it out loud. get close all right. korea. had the longest unbroken chain. of slavery of any society in history.

holy [ __ ] you guys are [ __ ] scumbags. we're fuck-outs dude that's insane. who did we enslave find out yeah who did. we enslave well a caste system first of. all you [ __ ] enslaved your own. [ __ ] people the nobody that doesn't. count yes it does that's how does that. count that's even more repulsive your. own brother if i have kids and.

perspective. uh. your perspective on comedy and trying. [ __ ] up jokes. is probably the reason why i think we. get along so well oh yeah cause you [ __ ]. you're you sling it you might as well. throw it yeah you know honestly dude and. this is my honest truth here's what i've. always loved about you. is i always i always thought you were.

funny. i've always encouraged you right mister. is that true or not 100 100 yeah i. always i think you're hilarious. and i always thought you were magical. but here's the thing you could take it. okay you know man there's this weird. thing about comedy where people think. you're not supposed to be vulnerable in. comedy but then they watch the golden. girls and then they watch martin they. see coal or rose and they they laugh. hysterically it's like yeah i'm like the. rose and cole sometimes i can take it i. get you throw it out i'm sitting back.

and then i could be the guy to give it. it's just like one of those things so i. don't i don't trip on it you don't say i. love that statement yeah it's good. that's pretty powerful very powerful but. it is true also we get so sometimes on. this show like we're [ __ ] around so. much we're joking around but then when. we do get serious. it is there are moments when we have to. let it sit and be real and then joke. about it afterwards but but comics are. always expected to like. you know constantly pump out comedy and. jokes and jokes and jokes but we have. our vulnerable moments bobby showed a. lot of vulnerability when you were when.

you went away your phone calls were. super vulnerable to me ah yeah it was. heavy. really heavy but i mean i'm glad i'm. glad we have to have that thing too that. has to exist because there's got to be. real love beyond all the comedy well. when you when you look back at mike you. know what i'm saying yeah doc. because when i was. growing up in comedy in the 90s. just the people above me 80s. 80s i mean. the people above me were so mean it's.

the same for me when i started i know. but i think we're nicer to the young. people oh my god i love ten times but i. love but i think the difference is and. i'll be honest yeah. the younger people now in comedy. i think are funnier. at a younger age than we were my god. there's some young kids like trevor. wallace one time i don't know. who he was. and i i followed him at the improv and i. looked down off this white guy got this. i didn't watch a set this white guy i.

got this. you're a fighter in my head yeah in my. head out loud all right. and i struggled. you did yeah because i didn't take it. seriously and i walked up and he crossed. you could hear it yeah and then when i. was on stairs was like. oh. yeah this guy's good you know who kills. you know who i really like because we've. talked you've talked about trevor on the. show before but i'd uh but. i want to give uh i like matt lockwood. do you know how that is oh man you love. him yeah he crushes he got dude. i think he's so [ __ ] funny but he's.

part i don't know age-wise how old he is. but he's part of i mean the younger. group of people even before trevor you. think about this i don't know how old. they are i don't know how old any of. these [ __ ] guys are but i mean. when i first saw taylor tomlinson i'm. like oh yeah. her special just permit just came out. yeah i mean just trevor's 29 he's a. young guy amazing let me ask you all. this yeah now we was talking about how. hard people were on you in the 90s or. the 50s whatever time you grew up so now. think about this. well do you think. you would have been there being able to. handle both down i'm trying to it's not.

a job interview. but do you think you would have been. able to handle liv living in new york. and being a comic because you know how. they were. or i think it would have been the same. for bobby you think so yeah only because. only because. i think new york gets this credit like. they're more gritty than us for some. reason in the world of comedy comedy was. just as competitive it's just i think. new york new york peers were a little. bit more harsh to each other more like. you know maybe they pushed each other. more and. that is a joke-centric city of like. hardcore joke writers but it doesn't.

mean the competition wasn't as tough out. here maybe. you know i think out here it was more. like a lot of personality based comedy. came out of la. more so than. thoroughbred joke writers i'll give them. that but also we've caught up to them at. this point there's plenty of [ __ ]. phenomenal joke writers and they're. coming out of la in other places not new. york they just kind of claimed that fame. but for bobby the competition was. insanely thick and also littered with. everyone that wasn't him. you know what i mean it was like yeah. because back when i did it there was. like three asian dudes i was aware of.

that if that right there was that fan. yeah. yeah oh yeah yeah yeah and then ken. started doing it but that was later a. couple years later. so there wasn't but my mom always says. you know if. i did not come to america. no that's a pretty good introduction. yeah. you you would have you know you would. have carried rice in korea also as a job. buca and pucca. so um but i my argument is.

mom there's comedy there too i mean i. think i would have no matter what. society i i lived in unless it was like. i was in like you know like. a cambodian person that was living in. the pol pot regime or something khmer. rouge tough there's no opportunity there. sure but any place that was up there was. opportunity i think i would be able to. survive and done it yeah but you. wouldn't be doing stand-up yeah but i. was doing some form of comedy and and. and my friend danny cho you know danny i. don't i don't think so so danny cho was.

i used to do this um sketch on mad tv. called um. johnny gone and pongo oh i know this. game put johnny gone in pongo oh yeah. johnny gone. and pongo gone. johnny gone g-a-n. and pongo just put it in something let's. just see what happens. there we go so go to the duo with the. second one. so. i used to do a sketch called. johnny god you know i mean and he's. basically i have my own talk show in.

this island off of thailand. you know and it's a makeshift you know. talk show and i just just he didn't say. much i used to slap him in the face and. then if you lift open the shirt there's. a um underdeveloped uh. he has a twin i was under development so. he would talk. so there's a korean guy coming out of. his belly. eddie. so after you know mad tv was over he was. doing stand up and he goes he says to me. one day he goes. there's no stand up in korea and i go.

okay and he goes um. [Music]. dude this is the most racist. sketch i did 20 of these but it's. about koreans no no they're thai and. there's it's so stereotypical. it's so [ __ ] backwards. king johnny yeah. oh my god bob. first movie we've seen is little miss. sunshine.

let me tell you what it is. i don't know what it is the movie starts. and i say. i don't know what's doings is here. this movie sucks. the people in it is these george. clooneys. [Music]. so anyway so that dude started this. stand-up scene in korea. and it's doing well yeah you keep in. contact with him yeah and i also have to.

say that maybe i have a little something. to do with that. how. well i gave this [ __ ] guys kid a shot. but you didn't put any effort into him. opening [ __ ] up in korea i went. do it. yeah give him away. but you know what dude. my encouragement means something. no. okay. yeah i'll tell you what i'll tell you. what is weird. and i talked about this on my show on on. whiskey ginger. there is this weird looming thing about. scientology that like nobody talks about. in la but it's [ __ ] everywhere.

it's everywhere scientology oh my god. what they're they're like the third. largest property owner in los angeles. yeah yeah they own everything that means. there's. thousands of them but no one talks about. who is it. yeah i mean i dated one you know that. right i know we talked to seo yeah but. i'm just saying like. it's not a conversation piece and yet. they're [ __ ] everywhere. how come nobody wants to talk about it. well it was in the movie the scientology. movie would come become clear going.

clear yeah going clear. about all the real estate that they own. and i don't know what i'm saying you. have to be friends with a lot of people. that are scientologists and just not. know it. yeah i mean you have to be yeah yeah. just by by proxy we're here that's what. weirds me out is i'm like how come no. one tells me about it or they don't even. bring it up yeah they don't recruit you. no you know what's funny my first. [ __ ] audition in l.a was for a movie. for a scientology movie you know they. have their own video production yeah. i got an audition off of like craigslist. or some [ __ ] and it was like.

looking for young you know eager 20. something year old men to be in a. whatever blah blah video production so i. went to the church of scientology on. franklin you know the franklin one yeah. and i knew nothing about it i just moved. here i i didn't even i've never even. heard of it before. and i went into this little the. celebrity center celebrity center yeah i. went in this little audition room and. they made me fill out all this paperwork. dude it was endless and in my mind i was. like [ __ ] auditions are. you gonna sign away your soul for these. things. and then at the end of it i realized oh.

this is a church huh it's a church thing. yeah like i finally caught fire there's. a gigantic. marble. head statue of [ __ ] l ron hubbard i. didn't know what that was i was 21 years. old who do you think that was i thought. it was i thought it was wrong. olivier i thought it was ron howard yeah. yeah. ron hubbard i thought it was ron howard. i misheard it plus there's like poppy my. hero. there's all this navel drapery and then. did they have the can can machines. i was poor i needed money they were.

gonna give don't get me angry i'm just. asking a question no but i'm telling you. my answer i was a dumb poor 21 year old. who was like i can't eat this month i'll. take anything did you get the part no i. was soon as i found out it was a church. yeah i immediately jetted because i was. like i don't want to do some religious. [ __ ] that i know nothing about yeah. that would have been dangerous it was. bad right yeah but but i seriously i. went in a room i filled all this stuff. it was like do you have a history of you. know it started off small it's like did. you have you ever have a history of. health conditions uh mental illness in. your family cancer and i was like why. didn't you need to know all this medical.

[ __ ] yeah and i filled out [ __ ] all. of it so somewhere in the books they've. got a half a santino audition yeah but. there was a time in hollywood and i wish. you could even say the word like we mad. tv did a sketch you remember that movie. my big fat greek wedding i love we did a. sketch called my big fat scientology. wedding. we built the set we casted it the. lawyers came in they shut it down. because somebody up top and [ __ ]. somebody up top at uh but that's how. much power they had so at the time like. even talking about this right now makes.

me scared no they're what i know but at. that time though not saying anything bad. i know but at that time you have to. understand the kind of power they had in. hollywood. yeah because when they sued the irs like. ten thousand thousands of people sued. the irs that scientologists and then. they gave them um religious immunity. what does it tax the irs yeah yeah yeah. yeah yeah some of the biggest stars are. scientologists right name you some will. smith will smith uh tom tom cruise. will smith yeah will smith kirsty alley. tom cruise. uh what does that say.

nancy cartwright who voices bart. travolta travolta was yeah he's not on. there anymore though but giovanni rabisi. is he yeah. wow because i um the girl that i dated. um i do want to see xenu i'm not going. to lie i do want to see them too well. that's why they but they get you they. get you yeah yeah you get a little bit. of money in your pocket they're like. dude 100 grand you could meet zeno. you're like what does he like dude it's. funny because. that's like you have to pay. the hundreds of thousands of classes to. get to even that level and years and.

years. and then imagine you work all this time. 20 years you finally get to the ninth. level whatever it is they give you a. briefcase and then there's like writings. of you know like handwritten letters and. stuff by l ron hubbard but then they. tell you about xenu then yeah. i can only imagine what you would you. you would have done. you would have been imagining you. would've snapped they hand me the. briefcase and they walk out of the room. and then they come back i'm just jerking. off in the briefcase. like this is all i've ever wanted. [Laughter].

dude i buy into none of this stuff i. think it's all gobbly gucci but i do. want to say um as their defense. i don't care i want to defend them i. have nothing against the people i don't. give a [ __ ] i don't know. you know how like sometimes when you. you talk to people like comics. especially. and they never really tell you. how they feel or what's going on or even. like fake [ __ ] like you know great set. when they haven't even seen your set or. whatever i hate that yeah i hate that. but scientologists are very like.

clear. and so when i did date one i knew. exactly what was going on how she felt. you know i mean she was just honest. maybe that was a character trait and not. scientology no it was that because her. mom was like that her people around her. were like that they're just very like. clear did she ever try to recruit you to. the church. yes. did you ever think about it i went there. and i did the machine if the [ __ ] was. good enough you'd be a scientologist. today. that's the. truth. if the trap was good you'd be yeah you'd. be there.

[ __ ] has made some guys do [ __ ] all. sorts of tricks yeah if she was like a. 10. right i think i would be like i didn't. have scales on my face. i'd see new scales right i'd have the. implants i think i would look like him. yeah i'd wear the blue suit i would. scrub you'd go to what is it called. what's the one in florida the one in. tampa what is it called their uh yeah c. c org c org yeah i probably have a. different language like say hi to me. bobby what the [ __ ] what is that i am in.

the middle of a set on stage. right you're like yeah my my friend and. i were traveling. oh my god i'm sorry. i'm sorry there they are right now lined. up like captain that was the i think the. biggest bother to me was that they they. mock the military that's like mock. military they have nothing to do with. the military yeah. this is stolen valor isn't it how come. they can't clap them for this because. it's religion but it's but it's but. they're mocking them oh i don't like the. way you [ __ ] said that because you. know it's a religion i was saying it. confident but you're a stake in the. claim i don't know what.

no definitely not no this no no but i. mean like but truly. this is military garb in a religious. form is to me it's very odd there's no. military ties that guy don't look like. he can protect anybody. that's a girl by the way. you don't know you don't know. that they could be whatever that they. want yeah but they get paid like what. like 15 cents a day i mean just crazy i. don't know they pay them i think they. donate their time when they go to that. c-org thing but then if you snake your. way through the thing then you get then.

you get like capital gains from other. like you know from other members and. then you start to move up and then you. start making money do you know where you. see them at the gelsons on franklin. really really. yeah so you see it's the sea org people. they're at the gelsons so like kelson. closes at midnight and they're there so. if you're 11 11. if you're there eleven you see them what. are they suits they're snacking on yeah. and i yeah. and i always go ahoy or what you know. you don't know what to say you don't. know what this says. you know what i mean and i always let.

them like coming up on your starboard. heads up i always let them cut in line. oh because you think no i just feel like. yeah. go ahead you know i don't want a career. to be all ruined no you know what it is. you do that because just in case they. have the key to the thing what thing. the life the mystery of the universe do. you think so like if say the world ends. yeah and all these scientologists are. like you fools you didn't listen to us. and then they point at bobby they're. like he's okay he's with us yeah he let. me pass at galson's and then maybe you. you you get lifted up. in the spaceship with him.

yeah and they look at me and they're. like [ __ ] no. i think the reason why is because i am a. huge tom cruise fan. yeah i like him who's not a tom cruise. fan let's move something fun bob carlos. wants me to go to the can real fast he. says he's got some hot ones in here all. right. no. let me try one. what if andrew was tragically killed in. an elephant trampling what if elephants.

trampled me to death. do you know what's so insane about this. i was watching naked and afraid the. other night. and they were they were elephants going. by their camp. and the south african guy was like you. know they'll ride over the bush they'll. [ __ ] you up right over the bush they'll. push it down and i thought. how the [ __ ]. would you get away from an elephant in. the middle you're it's you're [ __ ]. yeah dude if you got trampled by. elephants please don't do that because. you know what i turn into. moby dick. i would hunt down every elephant would.

you really find me out of rage are you. serious oh yeah but then would you but i. would tell people. the one that trampled you i keep him. alive. i would keep him alive yeah and i would. have um you'd feed him yeah feed him. like wash him no boo. i don't have an elephant i don't know if. elephants love. [ __ ]. sushi but you want to go to a nobu and. they would have to well because of covet. maybe they have an outdoor area they. gotta have outdoors yeah bobby is that a. horse. he's a horse elephant yeah well how does. that elephant sound.

right. he's going you know hamachi. yeah yeah he loves him he's like new. style sashimi so if that happened i. would hunt all of them down kill them. and keep the one that trampled you i. love you thank you man but then you'd. secretly kill that guy. later in life you'd keep him around and. then you'd slowly kill him oh i would. yeah slowly like um peel-a-skin do they. did they they dismantle and. they stay they kill people constantly. how many people get killed by elephants.

a year no seriously this is like a real. thing how often they do they're. aggressive as [ __ ]. have you ever seen an elephant in real. life. no holy i mean in zoo but not like how. human deaths. what is that a hundred to five hundred. five hundred a year 500 [ __ ] people. are dying at the hands of another. [ __ ] how does it happen repeatedly. like that dude because people that live. in look elephants have been known to. raid villages in south asia hey bobby so. so it's a lot of asians getting killed. by uh you [ __ ]. hold on hold on.

hey this is a teachable moment. right so let me ask you something to his. point you talked to any [ __ ] hey i'm. sorry my tone dead come on you talked to. any [ __ ] kid where do elephants live. do they say [ __ ]. uh. hong kong yeah or do they say [ __ ]. africa bro they're in africa exactly. okay i bet you more black people get. trampled. you want to do a race award. i bet you we don't.

why because you're why. you're about to say something racist why. they ain't saying no just say why and. we'll cut it out because black people. are like the tarzan of. you know. they go with their [ __ ] physical. their physical elites. facts are facts. who's gonna outrun an elephant an asian. guy or a black guy or hussein bolt who's. your money on yeah usain bolt or what's. the figure skater's name from korea yeah. yeah nathan chet he's nathan versus. usain bolt who's gonna win but if it was. on ice.

to prove maybe doc's point. where are the majority of elephant. deaths where do they take place the hot. where's the highest amount of elephant. deaths i would say okay you're saying. china asia i'm saying africa. the majority of. elephant. humans getting killed by elephants. you're saying what africa yeah and what. are you saying doc asia no it's it's.

actually india 300 people may be killed. yeah so it is asia yeah asia was right. it says. it said south asia in the clip so 300. people may be killed. it's always like a indian dude [ __ ]. oh really now it's an indian dude but. before you didn't even know give me the. [ __ ] right right next door right next. door well india is in asia. yeah whatever. yeah. bobby doesn't want like that though. they're south asians they are. but but also to be fair when i was in.

tokyo and japan i saw elephants. everywhere. in japan all over the streets in japan. roaming the streets of tokyo okay that's. crazy. what if bobby was at tiananmen square. [Laughter]. when. that is a really good one who wrote that. was that you pete you mean when i the. guy that chewed gum and he threw it and. they was in prison is that tnm scare at. where yeah. is that what that is the tank dude it's.

the tank you've never seen the image. this this iconic image oh yeah yeah yeah. they're saying you standing in front of. a tank what would you have done if you. were him. i would not you know what that tank. could have kept rolling over bobby and. not not killed him at all he could have. just kept going. it wouldn't even have touched him yeah. it would have just gone over his head. and he's like oh hey. yeah. well uh you would have never dude. never stopped and you would have never. gone in front of a tank you don't have. that guy it depends on what the. why he's doing it those tanks were going. to kill your mom yeah i would those.

tanks are going to kill your brother. yeah big boss. those tanks are going to kill george. say it nobody can hear you no okay those. tanks are going to kill fancy. no those tanks are going to kill pete. and carlos together combined just a. twofer. nope. those pizzas are going to kill doc. yeah bro you'd stand in front of them. those tanks are coming together no no no. no that's enough you're right those. tanks are going to kill me. 100.

i [ __ ] love you it's only because i'm. money. oh i get that yeah yeah like who am i. gonna pod with yeah that's true. it's like half my income is your life. yeah i get that yeah that makes sense. don't get trampled by elephants. all right here we go. what if bob. me. doc. let's do carlos and pete. and george. had to negotiate their order line in a. human centipede. okay. i'm up front.

no i have to be up no no you're in the. back i'll tell you why you're last. he's last. why would i be last. because you don't know what we're. talking about well you don't have the. shortage that's true you don't know what. any of it needs to just be last you know. what human centipede is you never saw it. no oh my god oh my god well first of all. you'd be at the end the reason that's us. the reason you'd be at the end i like. the elephant walk no no no. in the movie. this is a real movie. um these tours get captured by some. it's hard to explain.

okay imagine there's a pitch to a. [ __ ] studio so this is actually what. yeah i'm a studio executive yes so um. dude we're so excited to read this. script and you wouldn't let us read it. but can we just hear what it is i would. love to tell you okay i love it so uh. we're so excited we're such basically um. these american tourists they go to. okay this is great that's right they go. to germany oh my god and we can shoot in. germany. oh my god yeah so locations location. location yeah yeah it's everything and a. crazy night out you know partying they. run into a german surgeon or you know.

type that type of guy i love this like. chris christophel exactly exactly maybe. we get him maybe we don't okay okay. and then. they get captured by him right okay. tension drama. anyway they captured two girl right he. kept a two girl and an asian guy a. japanese guy great another you know. tourists yeah if it goes in japan they. they love to go to different countries. do they ever though they're not and. they're just clicking click click click. click there anyway he's a surgeon so. they these three wake up and so you know.

one um it's a human centipede. you love animals i love it yeah you love. uh david attenborough oh my god yeah one. of my favorites all those you know the. ones about you know with that life you. know and all the animals you know i love. hills exactly i love it i love it right. i love them anyway so he makes the three. a human centipede so how this works is. you know i s the. i. crazy that's crazy oh god this is a. make-believe guy i love this movie. already anyway he surgically implants.

their mouths to each other's butthole. so you know um the guy in the front is. has the easy i'm going to make him the. asian guy because you know you know who. his poos are uh small and tiny you know. because he doesn't eat a lot you know. but anyway so he pulls into the woman's. mouth right and then she pulls into the. other woman's mouth right and they just. kind of like they go. well the two you know what's good about. this. not a lot of dialogue for the two girls.

right yeah because. you know you can't you cannot talk when. you're surgically implanted into. somebody's butthole right yeah so. as an actress what a wonder let me stop. you right there. let me stop you yes. here's a check for 800. exactly so that's that was an actual who. is the human set so you [ __ ] kid like. you never you never heard of it. that's the craziest. okay so anyway.

in a huge human sentiment repeat right. doc would be at the end. right i will tell you why doc. on a real centipede. yeah the back has to be the most. important. okay because your legs have to be the. strongest and yours are the shortest and. strongest to the ground because you've. got to push all that weight up front. yeah imagine like a bunch of people. inside you putting coal. you're the caboose you're the caboose. but i want a [ __ ] in somebody's mouth. too if i'm going to be getting myself. i know if we add somebody maybe we'll. find someone else.

i know your fear and i know how bummed. you'd be so can you just imagine. somebody is because you're not gonna. really even care how about this yeah at. night yeah at night the first guy bobby. yeah he has to come all the way around. and you get to poop in his mouth so it's. a big circle okay right yeah just at. night during the day. you can't [ __ ] in anybody's mouth right. so all right so. you you and i who would have to gamble.

to his front let me tell you something. yeah if you take front yeah i'm. somewhere way down the line i don't want. to be anywhere near i promise you this. it's bad i promise you this uh i will. change my diet you doubt it don't do. that just to spite me no i won't if i'm. behind. i would go to you know we would go hope.

that little vegetarian restaurant on. ventura right now that's even worse why. no you need proteins for it to be more. solid you tell me all right you tell me. i'd rather something thick that i can. bite all right so how about this right. you can't talk right so what i would do. is i'll give you a piece of paper right. and go. you know i'll go what should i have for. breakfast i'll be very mindful about. that call her. coffee yeah yeah. all right and i'll just drink coffee so. i want to get it over with oh you. wouldn't get overwhelmed well coffee's. going to make it so if i'm in the front. you'd be second. ah please just give me a space you know.

what yeah carlos. he's got a low impact diet yeah i know. he doesn't eat a lot of crazy [ __ ] do. you carlos no okay good you know why i. also want him huh his smooth head. on your ass oh my [ __ ] would feel so. good. that cold smooth head all right so then. me and then after me is pete. or hell no yeah yeah hell no yeah. the color's got to be where peter is. because. look how big pete is that means he's got. to be [ __ ] in my mouth. george is still in between you oh george.

so george is going to get as usual. george is going to get the brunt of all. the [ __ ] yeah yeah yes so george has had. attached to pete yeah and then and then. doc is attached to george george yeah. which i feel like is a good lineup well. no. because because once again george gets. the the brunt of all the [ __ ] just like. this show yeah and he probably won't. give doc any [ __ ] because he's too he's. just feels bad yeah but what because oh. yeah another white man [ __ ] in my mouth. you know what i mean feel bad about it. yeah but the thing is is that what. you're going to be eating is going to be.

the closest thing to food yeah from what. he's eating pure [ __ ]. i mean there's nothing remotely food in. there no nutrients nothing oh yeah. because it's a trickle oh yeah. we gotta think about this whole concept. well let me say this. [Applause]. i'm a scientologist. [Laughter]. you're all done for dude i'm cooking you. bud it's over i'm telling everybody. about this that you guys talk [ __ ] i was.

baiting you. you're [ __ ]. you know what oh. even if that were to be true they. wouldn't let me in and they wouldn't we. don't have enough money you have to have. so much money to get it yeah. thank you for being a bad friend. [Music].