Bad Friends Drinking Game | Ep 13 | Bad Friends with Andrew Santino and Bobby Lee

You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots? A white dude and an Asian dude. You two. are disgusting. You two are something. We're bad friends. The game show is going to be great. Bro, what are you worried about? It's going. to be [ __ ] awesome. I read the reviews already. It's so. They're so good. NO, YOU DIDN'T. AND THERE'S NO REVIEW. YES, I DID. YEAH, there's a bunch of. reviews. There's no reviews, dude. two. Variety said it's the hottest. new game show this side of the of the.

Mississippi. Yeah. Yeah, they did say that. because I've been googling it, too. What have you What is it? What has it. been saying? Nothing. I mean, Deadline put a [ __ ]. um a photo up and it cropped me and Ian. Carmemell off the sides. Yeah. So, it's just Keegan, Serena, Venus Williams, and um Rev Gronkowski. Yeah. Well, what are you gonna do? You know, you drinking now? I just I feel like I should have. something just just in case if I'm in.

the mood. I'm not going to have one. unless I feel it. No, take a shot. No, I'm not going Not unless I feel it. You know, I'm a new I'm It's got to be. I'm five months sober. Go ahead. Tempt. me. No. No. It's got to be what you're. doing. No. What do you mean? Five months sober now. Temp me. You don't like drinking that much. Oh, I love I'm a drinker, too. Do you not want me to do this in front. of you? No. I love it. I love living through. you. This is a a level of control that I. know you have. Come on, man. You can do this. Yeah. The bad friends drinking game.

Here's how you play. Every time Bobby. Lee says. The thing is is that the thing is is. that cuz the thing is is that that the. thing is is that the thing is is that. the the thing is is that the thing is is. that you thing is is that have a drink. must be legal drinking age to play. But. whatever, dude. We're not the [ __ ]. cops. Okay. So, I have a hole in my tooth. Let me see. You want to see it? Yeah, I want to see your whole tooth. All right, come. You got to come closer. I can't do that.

Well, then you're not going to see it. You can't see it from there. Where? How far is it? Or which one is. it? It's way back here. There's a black. hole. Yeah. Black hole tooth in my mouth. Yeah. And it's like, you know, one of. those where um you're like, "It's fine. It's fine." Yeah, it's fine. It's fine. It's fine. And at. 3 in the morning, you hear you wake up. vibrating. It vibrates and all of a sudden. and then spikes spike spike and then you.

wake up and you go [ __ ] and then Oh, it's gone. You're going to make it You can make an. appointment though now. My dentist said. he's back next week. I said I'm coming in just to say hi. No, no, no. I might um I like I like the. pain a little bit, so I'm going to wait. a little bit. You're a little sick. You're a sick. [ __ ] Yeah, you're a sick [ __ ] You like pain. Well, I masturbate when I. It gets me hard. When it hurts the worst, I love it. But um so the hole in my tooth and then. um.

there's a lot of [ __ ] And then that. Chinese lady got her face kicked in. What Chinese lady got her face kicked. in? Do you ever see that video? Did it just come out? Can I play you a. video that I posted on the internet? First of all, let me talk about the. Chinese lady. What? Who? What's her name? Ching Chong. Fat Fat. I don't know, man. I love Ching Chong Fat Fat. Yeah, but Ching Chong Fat Fat. These. these two African African-American. gentlemen. Uh. oh. You can say what you were going to. say. What were you going to say? Black eyes. Okay, there it is. And they kicked this Chinese lady in the.

face. Is it on the news? Can you see it? No, it was on the internet. Let me play this for you. Let me tell. you what is this white lady. This is. This is This is a throwback I posted. again because um timing wise, it's. pretty great. But uh. Who is this lady, though? You know what? May maybe I too could be ninja. I want. to be ninja. I want to be ninja. I learn to chop real hard. I fight with.

credit card. I use my num chops. Even. while feeding ducks, I throw my. Will you stop it? Look at this. Look at this Asian lady in. the very front. Uh, first of all, this is a this video came out a long. time ago, but I saw it again in my I was. deleting stuff. Oh, yeah. I want to let you hear the. chorus again. No, please don't turn. It's going to put. me away. [Music]. I learn. [Music]. everything like on the big screen. And.

you guys, you know what? I might do it. I might be a ninja soon. I going to be. ninja. [Laughter]. this Asian lady. How is she standing. there through this? There's four minutes. of this. All right. First of all, if I was that. Asian, TURN IT OFF. TURN IT OFF. OKAY, IT'S OFF. All right. If I was that Asian lady, I'd. already. [Music].

It makes me so It makes me so angry. It's like the rudest [ __ ] I've ever. heard in my life. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I was going through my. folders on my old on my phone. because she doesn't realize how. difficult. It's so rude. how difficult it is to be a ninja. Yeah, the levels are insane. She could. never be ninja. Yeah, because there's different levels. Number one, you have to be able to climb. a tree. She can't climb a tree. There's no way. There's no chance, right? Number one. Two, you have to have. this enough.

breath stamina to [ __ ] do the blow. gun. Yeah, it's You got to have that. She doesn't have any of that. She doesn't have that. She has to be. able to throw a star hard enough to. puncture her skin. Yeah. Yeah. She can't do that. She's got to be sneaky as [ __ ]. She's not sneaky at all. Imagine her being a ninja. What's that. white lady in the tree? There's a white lady in the tree. What. do you mean? Look. That's a ninja. A ninja? Yeah. Yeah. Ma'am, please get down. Yeah, she Look at her skin, too.

Ninjas don't ninjas wear sunscreen. ninjipp. You can't expect no less. That child has. not a clue. It's too good to be true. I'm making progress. All right. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. You know what this reminds. me of? Do. you know who this is, by the way? Who is that? This is a girl that sells Murphy beds in. Orange County. That's She did this as a.

promo to sell Murphy beds. You know what. Murphy beds are? No. The beds that go in the wall, the. cabinet, the cabinet beds, you know, they pop out of the cabinets. Have you ever seen that? No. No. I know. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Old time Murphy beds. Yeah. That's what she's selling. She's. like a She opened a Murphy bed company. This is like years ago. Yeah. But this is She put this out for promo. Let's hear the course one more time. No, I DON'T WANT TO HEAR THIS. It's one of my favorite courses. I must confess. my. fun, you guys. I think I almost a ninja.

I almost a ninja. She almost a ninja. I almost. chop down. Take chow down to Chinatown. This is the most racist [ __ ] I've ever. heard in my life. And it makes me laugh. so hard. This poor Asian lady. You know.

what's as hard as being a ninja is being. a Navy Seal, right? Yeah. It's the hardest thing in the. world. So, it's imagine a Chinese dude. Yeah. Or woman. Yeah. I want to be Navy Seal. You know what I mean? At a party. I. don't think it's that offensive. A Navy Seal. Yeah. Well, if it if it was a a Chinese. Ninja is a cultural thing, right? Right. I think it's what the. accent is what's offensive about really. about it, too. It's very offensive. It's really good. You know, I'll be honest with you. I had.

a girlfriend once. Her name was Sarah. and she lived in Louisville. I know who she is. Do you? I know her. She come back. Yeah, she was. Right. Or she is. She was. Yeah. She still does it. And um I stayed at. Did she want to be ninja? No, she I stayed at her parents house. and she goes, "So um we're having a. special dinner for you." This actually. happened. This is so good already. I already know. what it is. We're having No, you do. No, no, I mean. special. We're having a special dinner. for you. But so you have to sit in the I. guess white people in the Midwest or in. the South, they have basement.

Yeah, we have basement. Yeah, I've never been in a basement before. Well, there's a purpose for it. We have. those. We have those in the Midwest for. tornadoes and [ __ ] We need to go down. there. All right, my bad. Also, extra square footage. It's really. good. Basement. Mhm. And I was there for about 45 minutes and. she comes down and Sarah's wearing. kimono. And she goes, "And it's mind you, there's 20 people there.". Yeah. Her grandparents on both sides. Yeah. Uncles, aunts, right?

So I go, "What? What? Why are you. wearing kimono?" She You'll see. So we. go upstairs. The whole place, right, has. she put bamboo on the walls. Okay. There's um like swords on the wall, too. Like samurai swords. I like it. the grandmother. Everyone, they wear the mascara, right? Chinese. eyes mascara. I walk into the [ __ ]. dining room. They all. shut up. I swear to God, they bowed to you.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. What was that? They said, "How didai get. what? How to chuch a chai?". Yeah. How to chachai? Right. And then she goes, "Take your. shirt off." I go, "Why?" You have to. wear this shirt. It's an extra small. Pokemon shirt. So, I put this extra strong Pokemon. shirt on and it's like, you know what I. mean? Super tight. Super I can I can barely breathe. Yeah. And I'm sitting there and then. everyone's wearing chopsticks. But we're. eating like um what white people eat? Um. like roast turkey.

We usually eat Oh, what do you mean? Oh, no. No Chinese food at all. No, they didn't even make They didn't even. try to make Chinese food. No, but we're I had to use I remember. using chopsticks to pick up stuffing, which is very difficult to do, by the. way. Do you think her mom told Do you. think that was a bit She's funny, right? She was funny. She's very funny. Laughing, having a. good time, and I'm kind of laughing, too. But deep down inside is this is the. price you pay to get white [ __ ]. You mean if you want Oh, yeah. If you're.

an Asian dude and you want white [ __ ]. sometimes you have to. take take one for the team. Take one for the team. Yeah. You got to take another one for a team. They were very funny, funny family, too. One time we were horseback riding. Yeah, it was in Kentucky and we're in the. woods and her dad just goes, "See that. tree right there?" "Yeah." I go, "Yeah, that's where we hang China.". Were there any Chinese guys up there? No. Oh, it's a joke. I know. And you're And you're running along and. you laugh. You go, "This is the price you pay for.

white.". He literally goes, "That's where we hang. Chinese people.". Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And everyone laughs. They laughed. Oh, yeah. It's a joke. Yeah. Oh, sure. Yeah. It's a joke. Yeah. Hanging Chinese. I've had like a lot of. those situations. But that's the price you pay. It's the price you pay for white [ __ ]. Yes. Damn. White [ __ ] good, huh? No. No. Because you get to the point because. then you realize all [ __ ] is the same. Yeah, it is. Right. Like if you eat white [ __ ] like. if I closed my eyes, you know, I I guess. the [ __ ] looks the colorization's.

different. But if I closed my eyes and I. looked black [ __ ] white [ __ ] and. Asian [ __ ] I don't think I'd be like, "That one tastes like wasabi or. whatever." You know, there's a difference. There's a. difference. Wait, so if I So if we blindfolded you. all right, so we we we did a contest, right? And we have an Indian [ __ ] in front of. you. Uh from someone from someone from India. Yeah. And you licked it. What would you taste?

Yellow curry. Yeah. Yeah. Black [ __ ]. Oh wow. That's weird. That's like It's. like. you have to look at that much. Seven. Eight. You like it? Redheads love black. [ __ ]. Tastes like corner store potato chips. for some reason. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, I guess I guess.

you're right. Yeah, it's all the same. I can't believe we're. actually talking about this in front of. Rudy, by the way. Yeah, Rudy. Yeah, this is terrible. She's o above She's over 18. I know, but I don't want to. She. shouldn't be in the room for that. We. should kick her out for that stuff. Rudy, did you like the I want to be. ninja lady? Yeah, you did. She like get closer to the [ __ ] mic, Rudy. That's going to be a shirt, by the way. Get closer to the [ __ ] mic. You don't So, um, Rudy, you don't find. that to be offensive. It's offensive, but it's funny. Yeah. Uh yeah, that's exactly.

Let me ask you something. If you were at. that party, would you stay. like if you were that poor woman that. there's an Asian There's one Asian woman. they focus on right over her shoulder. Would if you that was you, right? If. that's Rudy. If we're looking at this. video again, please don't. If we're looking at this video, please don't play it again. No, we're looking at this video. There she is. There she is. There's Rudy. right there. That's Rudy. Obviously, look at Look at the woman. next to the Asian lady. Yeah. Yeah. Right here. This She's. smiling, right? Yeah. They're all kind of They're all. kind of smiling. The Asian lady is. definitely not She You know what she's.

thinking right there? I'm going to kill you after this song. Look at the whole song, by the way. Every frame, she's just holding her. composure. Yeah. Holding her composure. Yeah. Yeah. I can't believe she didn't hurt her. Yeah. Why didn't she kill her? She's in every. [ __ ] shot. And look at this old rich white guy. I want you to BE A NINJA, TOO. YOU can. be a ninja. I love you. Let me tell you. something. You're a ninja girl. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. Cool. Look at the beef. Look at the big dude in the back.

You're totally a ninja, babe. I [ __ ]. love you. I love you, Jenn. I've never [ __ ] a ninja before, but. I'm going to [ __ ] with her tonight. You're the best. And she's like, I don't. I'm I'm on so much Xanax. I don't know. where I am. Wow. These are all real people in Orange. County. This is very This is very Orange. County. Orange County is. Look at this. Look at this [ __ ]. morons outfit. I know, dude. These people loved it. They all. want to be ninja. Yeah. Damn, dude. Damn, dude.

You know what it is, by the way? You know what it is? Um, that's just that's just like a a a t. that's just people that have only that. kind of white people have only been. around only white people. So, this isn't. a big deal to them. I'm telling you. I'll tell you why. They grew up in Orange County. They. never left. I'll tell you why that's true. You know, cuz you grew up around San. Die. I'll tell you why that's true. Because. in other area, obviously you don't just. you.

always you call somebody go, "Hey, hey, Sally.". Mhm. Um I'm doing that ninja song, right? And says, "Yeah, finally.". Yeah. Only in Orange County. In any other. society, it's like, "Uh, no, dude. Don't do that song. Don't do that [ __ ] song. You're going to do that song. cuz Sally Chang's going to be there.". and she goes, "Yeah, but she gets it.". Yeah. She's cool. She gets it. Yeah. So, like if I like, you know how. you and I have talked about how when we.

make, you know, a joke like a we want to. do a tweet about a black person, we. always call four or five other dudes. comics. We always make sure we call other people. to form. A me like I have Mexican things I want. to say. Yeah. There's Johnny Sanchez. There's certain. guys that I like call. Hey dude, is is. it right. to call you guys freeholes or whatever. it might be? You know what I mean? He's like, "Yeah, dude. It's fine, bro.". You know, it's cool, man. Yeah. But it's only cool because you know. them.

So, this woman doesn't really know any. Asian people or have any Asian friends. Yeah. This is just her. This This is a joke. between her and her friends and it's the. funniest thing they've ever said. Yeah. She's like, I'm going to be. cancelled or no, probably not. Right. This was years ago. It was just I found. it in my videos on my phone when I was. deleting stuff uh transferring from my. to my phone from my computer. and I was like, "What is this video?". And I clicked on it and I remember I was. like, "Oh my god, that this was before. people got cancelled." This like 5 years. ago. Yeah. God, it's so funny. It makes me laugh so. [ __ ] hard. It's so unaware.

when you're on the road because you for. me I have to travel to certain places in. the country. You've been there as well. Yeah, we do do the same thing. Your experience in Nashville is probably. different than my experience. Uh, yeah. First of all, I don't sell. tickets there. You don't sell tickets at all in. Nashville? Mm-. Wow. The last time I was there, I did I did. half rooms. No way. Yeah, man. Zies. Yeah. Really? Yeah. I remember leaving going, "Ah, they'll never have me back.". [ __ ] I love that club. I know you do. But that's your different.

experience, right? You know, for me it's like. afterwards it's like. you have white dudes come at you and go. mystery. very very very. funny. Yeah. And then you go and then you have to. laugh. That sounds just like you. Rudy, don't laugh. Rudy, don't [ __ ] laugh. So, here's what here's what I would say. I know that's got to be annoying. We've. talked about it in the past. What I. think you should do is you should. address it on stage.

You should make a You should say that. You should go, "If any of you [ __ ]. idiots come up to me and do a bad Asian. accent afterwards, I'm going to spit in. your mouth. I'm going to spit right in. your face.". Right. Right. Right. Right. I think you should talk I think you. should make jokes about it about how. annoying it is when people do it. Then. it'll wake people up a little bit to it. You don't think so? My tooth. Oh, your toothy hurts. Yeah. Spike. Spike. I'm hard. I'm hard. I'm hard again. There we go. See, do you. have any cavities? Cavities.

Cavities. Yeah, I have a mouth filled with them. How many cavities have you had? Seven or nine? I don't know. 10. Have you ever had a root canal? Two. Yeah. Not only did I have a root canal, I had. a cap. I had a I had to redo it. He had. to one another dentist had to take it. out, redo it. It was so [ __ ] bad. Kila has my girlfriend has never had a. cap. It's so annoying. But because she brushes. No, that's not why I brush. And I don't. even like sweets that much. It's It's. genetics. It's genetics, dude. I'm. telling you. It has. I talked to a.

dentist one time. I said, "Why do I keep. getting cavities when I was in my. teens?" I was like, "Why?" And he goes, "Dude, it's just genetics." He said, "Your mom has a lot of cavities.". Weak genetics. Teeth genetics. Teeth genetics. Teeth weak. Weak teeth. Weak teeth. genetics. Fine. Weak teeth genetics. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. WTGS. Weak teeth. genetics. That's what I. But it's a weakness. No, it is. By the end of our life, we all our teeth. are all going to come out anyway, right? Everyone has shitty at the end of it. all. Everyone has shitty teeth. Yeah. Because when I was when I cuz I. have no teeth. I have maybe I'm not even.

kidding. I have nine maybe eight to nine. teeth in my mouth. Okay. You've seen it. Yeah. It's insane. It's insane. I mean, I'm going to start losing more. Like my teeth are so [ __ ] up. Right. So then when I said, "Well, can. you do the thing where they drill the um. you know what I mean? They drill the. screw into your the bone down here and. then screw in.". He goes, "You have weak gums. They're that bad.". Yeah. Your gums are weak, bro. So, you. can't even get even if you wanted. Well, I think I I think maybe they've. strengthened over time. What's What's it called? Veneers. You. can't get veneers, can you?

Yeah. I'm trying to get them. But all of you want all across cuz. sometimes they look so bad. I like it. No, I like it. I like it when. they look like that. Really? Like the mask? They're like. Yeah. Yeah. I love that. Is that what you want? Yeah. Remember like when Pablo Francisco. had like cracked teeth? Yeah. And then what they sometimes look so. bad. Look. Look at how stupid that. looks. Sometimes they look so. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like Joe Koy has. that. It just looks like this looks way more. fun.

What? The one up above? Yeah. This one above. At least she looks. like she parties. Yeah. She Yeah. She parties. You can't This girl This girl you can't. take to bed. This girl you could take out to the. shed. Yeah, you can. Yeah. That shed tooth. This girl you got to have another house. You got to have. Yeah, but the one above, right? If you. want if you wanted to punt beat her up a. little bit, the teeth go real quick. This one it's some work on the bottom. Well, because these are solid, huh? You. can smack around a little bit. Smack around a little bit before, you. know. I mean, anyone notices, you know. Rudy, do you have nice teeth? Smile. Let.

me see your teeth. Yeah, you have nice. teeth. She's 12 years old. Of course he has. They're like B. They just grew in. What does that mean? Most young kids. have bad teeth unless they got braces. Did you have braces? No. That's what. you're talking about. Oh. Did you have braces? Yeah. You did? Yeah, we had money. Okay. We had money growing up. I mean, I had braces, but at this point, they're all jagged now. They're white. though. They're nice. And I And I have chips in them now. Yeah. Oh, I just got an email from a company. saying they're going to send us teeth. whiteners. Should we use them? Of course. You do you want to do that? I'm afraid of that thing.

The thing about teeth whiteners is. because I I sometimes I'll go and get um. white strips. I can't use those. Right. When you put them on, they hurt. They hurt so they're so sensitive. I get and I'm real weird about that. My. teeth things because I've had so much. trouble with my teeth. What else are you weak on your body? Ship Station. As folks adapt to this changing world, we are all going to be buying stuff more. online than ever before. If you're an. ecommerce seller, are you ready to meet. the demands of our new delivery culture?

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bad friends. There you go. Well, I called you. You. called me the other day about my. migraines. Yeah, that's pretty weak. You went blind. in your eye, huh? I went blind. You want You just go blind in your eye, huh? I go blind in one eye. I have ocular. That's a weakness. I have ocular migraines. Right. So, you have weak teeth. You have. weak eye. No, it's not my eye. It's my brain. Weak brain. Well, yeah. Yeah. You've got um is there like um. sibling [ __ ] in your past? Like. through your history? Couple years ago. Oh, in the Oh, in the.

past. Because your mom and your dad, are. they brothers and sisters or something? They're cousins. Yeah, they're cousins. Are they really? Yeah. Yeah, Bob, my my [ __ ] parents. are cousins. Yeah. It wouldn't surprise me, man. Because I'm telling you RIGHT NOW, WOULDN'T SURPRISE ME IF YOUR FAMILY WAS. COUSINS, TOO. You guys all look the. same. At least we look different. You. guys are carbon copies. You There's no. way. There's no way Koreans aren't from. incest. You all look the same. Identical. That's so [ __ ] racist. The most. racist THING YOU EVER [ __ ] SAID IN. YOUR LIFE. I DON'T LOOK ANYTHING LIKE MY MOM. YOU.

LOOK EXACTLY LIKE YOUR MOTHER. DO YOU KNOW WHY? HUH? Because you're Listen. When growing up. when people said that Asians people look. alike. No. No. Not Asians. Koreans. Japanese. Like they look different. I. see a lot of different Japanese guys. Koreans. Same. Really? Same. SO IF YOU. WHEN I GO DOWN WILSHIRE, I just go same. guy, same guy, same guy, same guy, same. guy. Yeah. The whole time. So you you're saying to. me right now that right now if I if John. Cho was sitting here, you wouldn't think. that. I go, "Hey Bob, good to see you." And.

we'd start the podcast and I finish it. with him. Margaret Cho, same thing. I go, "Hey, what's up Bob?". "What's up, Bob?". You're a dumb. What's up, Bob? No, no, no. All the same. You and Redheads are the same. You look just like Margaret Cho. You. look exactly like Margaret Cho. You. don't think you look like Margaret Cho, dude? I I'm I'm telling you right now, I. tell you have to stop right now because. you just put me in such a rage. Shut up. Margaret Cho. Let's see what she looks. like. I gu you. That's you. That's not you.

That is you. Rudy's laughing. That looks. just LIKE DOESN'T THAT LOOK LIKE. DOES THAT RUDY? RUDY, THAT LOOKS JUST LIKE. FIRST OF ALL, MARGARET IS A FRIEND OF. OURS. I know. YOU WERE THE ONE THAT BROUGHT IT. UP. You guys look alike. No, we don't. Ridiculous. You're acting [ __ ]. Look at that's Bob right there. Are you ready to LET'S SWITCH TOPICS. GET MERLIN OFF THE [ __ ] SCREEN. SQUITCH TOPICS. RUDY LOVES IT. NO, RUDY, stop laughing. Rudy, Rudy, laugh, laugh, laugh. Yeah. It's Mother's Day, by the way. Did you. wish your mommy happy birthday? Happy. Mother's Day? Whatever.

Right. Yeah. Yesterday. Yesterday was Mother's. Day. Oh, that's right. Yesterday was Mother's. Day. So, we put together a little video. Some. of the fans sent in Mother's Day. pictures. We really appreciate it. Um, we want to say thank you for that. Was your was your. Yeah, go ahead. Yeah, you [ __ ] piece. of [ __ ] Don't talk [ __ ] about my mom. The Hvel is what I like to call her. Yeah. So, this is a lot of the fans sent. in um pictures of their mom and we put. together a little something for Mother's. Day. Let's enjoy it. Uh. isn't our p pictures of our moms or. it's it's our fans moms. Our fans. Oh, that's great. Let's see.

Let's see. Don't make fun of them, by. the way. Yeah. This is no way. Mother's Day mamas. Oh, yeah. Beautiful women across the world. Oh, there we are. Listen to the song. You know it. Go ahead, girl. [Music]. I want to take your mama out for date. night. Make her feel all right. Give a. conversation till the daylight cuz she. is so damn tight.

I pick your mama up in a Ford flex that. I borrowed from my last ex. Leave your. purse, mama, cuz I got checks. Tonight. going to be about mental sex. We hit up TGI Fridays. Take the scenic. route. Forget the highways. There's no. such thing as my way. It's about you, mama. You, my baby. When dinner's done, take your ass. straight home. Walk you to the front.

door so you're not alone. Kiss your hand. and say thanks for the love you shown. Get back in my car and then I'm gone. Show you respect like the queen you must. be. You never stutter, always speak. indirectly. You ever need me, mama, you. just text me. Until then, you stay so. damn sexy. Happy Mother's Day, mama. Happy Mother's Day, mas. Wow. You know what would have been better is. if we' done that video, but you lip-sync.

it. That. lip sync. What? Cuz at first when we were playing the. video, I thought Andrew's singing this. live. What a talent. I don't remember the lyrics. I wrote. them when I was. Let's try it. Let's just try one real. quick. By the way, by the way, I do want to say. this seriously. Some of the fans sent in. a lot of fans sent in pictures of mom, beautiful mothers. And some of the fans mothers passed away. and uh and it's a lot some of these. photos are of moms that are not with us. anymore, which I I just want to say we. appreciate. You know, Bob knows about a.

loss of a parent, so it's cool that. people included their moms that were. gone. It was a big deal. I thought that. was very nice. Thought it was very nice. That's why the song is not. disrespectful. It's very respectful of. the mama. Okay. [ __ ]. [Music]. Yeah. Happy Mother's Day, mama. Beautiful women across the world. It's your day. You know it. Go ahead, girl. Yeah.

[Music]. I want to take your mama out for date. night. Make her feel all right. Give a. conversation till the daylight cuz she. is so damn tight. I pick your mama up in a Ford flex that. I borrow from my last ex. Leave your. purse mama cuz I got checks. Tonight. going to be about mental sex.

We hit up TGI Fridays. Take the scenic. route. Forget the highways. There's no. such thing as my way. Happy Mother's. Day. Happy Mother's Day. That was real good. Thank you. That was for me. Rudy, did you like it? Oh god. Can you clap for me, Rude? Oh, thank you. Rude. God, you feel better? No. No. No. I feel. Why not? You don't feel any better? Don't you. feel better now? I don't feel um cuz I don't know. I. honestly I think my mood stems from I.

don't know. what's what what's really what what what. I don't know because you know the. country is like um opening up you know. you're scared. No it's not just that it's like but. we're kind of not. we in LA. No we are kind of. kind of. stuff's kind of starting to get over. Is it too you know we don't know if it's. too soon. I don't know who to believe. right now. You know you got you got you guys got. like guys like Eddie Bravo and Tripoli. You know what I mean? like this is, you. know, government control, right? There was a documentary called uh. Plemic. Did you see it?

Yeah. Yeah. About Fouchi. Mhm. Yeah. And then you have. it got debunked. Somebody said that. woman was uncredible. Yeah. Here's. generally it is. But. who who knows? Who knows? I don't know anything. Either do I. I'm not a scientist. But. but the thing is is that um. but we do know that corona virus is. still out there prevalent. It's not as. if like. cases are going down, right? We thought that, you know, we're. locked on because case,

you know, it's like you're one of those. friends. You're one of those friends where you. constantly ask. why is. Dude, it's my it's my it's my weekend. I. want to have a couple of drinks. I. haven't drank all week. Yeah. Go ahead. Go ahead. Yeah.

So, is this hard for you? Really? No. It's just that I was to desri I was. trying to. I'm not trying to be disrespectful. Have. a drink in front. I understand that, but I was like, you don't ever care when I have a drink. in front. I don't give a [ __ ] but but I was. making a point and then you were. the way you drink is like so dramatic. I just had a little It was a little. distracting. I apologize. Yeah. Yeah. It's just like, ah, I ate. him in the whole. I apologize. I apologize. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Are you going to drive. home? What? You're driving home because your car's. out there.

You bet. Yeah. Okay. No, that's it. I'm not going to have any. more. Mhm. I wanted one little shot. Oh, yeah. So, anyway, my back to my. point. Yeah. Yeah. it. is is that um. I just I don't know, you know, when. like you know tomorrow like I was. invited to Spade, David Spade. Yeah. And and I'm like I don't want to go. You. know what I mean? So when is it okay to. go?

Why do you think it's not okay to go? Because I I still have this thing is. like I don't know where especially Theo. where have you been? The country. Where have you been? They may have been out in the woods, man. Yeah. You know, Spade I can, you know, Spade, you know, he never leaves that. house. Well, you don't trust You don't trust. Theo? I think he's Theo's taking care of. himself just fine. You do? Of course. What do you mean? Theo's just. as diligent as anybody. You think all the comics have been. taking care of themselves? No, I would say majority of them aren't.

giving a I think a lot of people don't. give a [ __ ]. Like, who doesn't give a [ __ ]. I talked to Andrew Schultz on my podcast. the other day. He literally says he. doesn't care at all. He's not wearing a. mask. Oh, yeah. Yeah. He doesn't give a young. man. So what's the difference? Who out here I. think doesn't give a [ __ ]. Um Delia. Delia pretends like he cares. Yeah. But he doesn't at all. I saw he was out. he was out at Coffee Bean drinking. He. brought his own coffee to Coffee Bean. the other day. He was just drinking out. front. Yeah. I see a lot of photos of him at He. loves coffee. Hanging out. Loves coffee. Loves coffee. Get over it.

Yeah. It's been around for a long time. It's not that big. It's not that big [ __ ] big water. No, I think I think a lot of some people. don't care. I don't know. M. look, we're going to get back to it. Golf courses and parks are going to be. open this weekend. Wow. You know, but um. I mean, at some point, I don't know. I. look Well, here's my thing. Uhhuh. If you've been if we let you go to a. liquor store or to get cigarettes or. whatever and you just have to go one by. one, right, six feet apart, just like.

you do at any corner store, why can't we do that for all the. businesses and just do that across the. board? M. all the mom and pop shops should have. been open the whole time in my opinion. They should just be regulated. You. should say you can't have more than this. many people for this many square feet. How big is your store? It's 400 ft. Great. You can only have. five people in there at once. Everyone. has to wait in line outside. But the problem with that is that you in. certain ching chong countries like. Korea. Yeah. Right. You can trust its citizens to. follow the rules. Mhm. But we have as Americans a a.

different kind of freedom and liberty. and bravado. Yeah. And you're going to have those guys like. [ __ ] it. I'm not worried. But that was going to happen anyway. That already was happening. That's my. point. So it didn't that doesn't matter. Yeah. So if that was going to happen, then why. not just And I saw what they do in. Shanghai Disney. They're going to open. up Shanghai Disney. and everyone gets temperature checked. when you go in and then you have to have. proof that you weren't around an. infectious country or region. You have.

to have travel proof. If you go to. Shanghai Disney, so that's what they're. going to do to open up. Yeah, it Disneyland in Asia is sounds. crazy to me. $30 million a day. They were losing $30. million. But that. How come none of those Ching Chongs have. eaten Mickey Mouse yet? Because he's. protected. He's protected. Donald a duck is not though. Donald a duck. Donald a duck. I got to eat a first. He got eaten first. Yeah. I think look I I think I'm I'm I'm going.

to obey the rules until they say that. they think it's the most safe. That's all you can that's it. But for. you want to go over to Spades and Spades. house and hang out with him at Theo. That I think when people do that that's. up to the person. That's on you. Then you got to then you got to judge. the. I'm not ready yet. No. Yeah. That's not ready yet. That's it. If you're not ready, don't do. it. Mhm. You're ready to come here with me. because you hear things like um it's. going to get worse in the fall. Yeah. When it's mixed in with the flu, September, October, November, it's going. to get worse. Maybe.

Yeah. And then when that happens, here's. my thing. Here's what I Let me say this. Go ahead. Let me say this. Yeah. This is not comedy fodder, by the. way. This is not comedy at all. A most 90 90%. of the stuff we do is a joke on here. Okay. Sometimes we can be serious. sometimes, but for the most part, I. don't mean any of it. You don't look. like Margaret Cho. Okay. You don't look. I take that back. Thank you. But you look a little bit. Yeah. You look a little bit like Ken Jong, but. you don't look like Margaret. That [ __ ].

Hey. Okay. Okay. I'll say this. Do I think it's. real? Yeah. It's scary. It's [ __ ] up. But there then there's a piece of me. that goes, "Well, what can I do? I can. only protect myself so much. I have to. still live. There's 40 million residents in the. state of California. 40 40 million, right? We've had about 2,200 deaths. That's an. extremely low number of people that. died. It's a big state. Yeah. 40 million people, dude. 2,200 deaths. Yeah. I'm not saying it's [ __ ] I'm just. saying that's really low. And at some.

point, what do you want me to do? What can I do? So, I'm not saying I don't want to live. in fear. I'm not storming [ __ ]. Manhattan Beach Town Hall, but I am. going I'm gonna do things as safely as I. can. It's a difficult thing you're saying. It's difficult. It's like, you know, we've been coming here the whole time. together. I know 2,200 people is a low number. obviously. in comparison to 40 million. I don't discount their bets. I know. But my person in my personal.

life, you know, I don't want my mother to get sick, right? That's the problem. So, that's the problem. No, no, that's what I'm saying. I'm just. saying the number is low enough where. I feel a little bit less scared than I. used to. I go, "Okay, we're going to. manage it. I'm going to do my best. I'm. going to be safe. Stay safe. Do the. right things." But like cooping up in my. house forever. I can't That's I can't do. that. I mean I. Yeah. I just got to be safe. We can't go. around a lot of big crowds of people. And dude, we got an offer the other day, you and I, to do. what? To do a a to do a tour together again.

They wanna They want to do dates again. We were going to do dates. We got. cancelled. Well, they never even got put. up. Where do you want to Where do you want. to do them? No, no, no. They There's a bunch of. offers. Well, I don't want to talk about. it because I don't want people to get. hope that it's gonna We're not going to. be able to go. WELL, THEN WHY DID YOU BRING IT UP? JUST to rub it in. Yeah. So, we But we are going to do. dates together. No, we are going to do dates together. They did offer us. Rudy. You can. You're going to come, right? Yeah. Yeah. Dude, can we take off that? Take off. your left sandal real fast. Your left one and show it to that.

camera. That's your camera. Show it to. the camera. Yeah. Is she okay? Show the camera your. sandal. Just. show it. Show it. Look at that thing. I know. Give her some money, Bob. No, no, no. Here's That's not what it. is. Her [ __ ] Filipino monkey feet. She has Philip Her Filipino monkey feet. only they can only wear those. Oh, right. Those are specific for you. I. mean, they're made for her feet. The ones that truly haven't evolved that. still have monkey features, right? So, those are made out of bamboo.

and eucalyptus. Is that true? Ruth. eucalyptus bamboo. Julio bit it. So yeah. Wait, what did she say? I can't even. understand her after the fact. She did because she's speaking a. different [ __ ] monkey language. What did you say? Julio made it. Julio. Julio. Who? Who's Julio? The dog chewed. Oh, the dog chewed it. Yeah. Well, whose fault is that? Julio's. Did you leave it out for him to chew? Okay. Well, it's your fault. It's your fault. If it's at chew level, it's going to get. chewed. How? That's how I feel around my. house. If something is low, it's at chew. level. That's not the dog's fault,

right? You're in. That's his territory. Yeah. What's that show that you're. watching? Um, get closer to the [ __ ] mic. Normal People. Normal People. Have you heard about. this? Is it good? It's like Here's what that why they like. it. Kyla and Jules like it because you. can see like, you know, you can see the. pimples on their face and you can see. their dicks and balls. You can see their dicks and balls. What. is it? What is this on? And it's real. What are you watching? Do I need to come. over there? It's It's like real and it's. like, you know, very visceral. It's like.

you pimples. Pimples on their penises. Is that what. you said? I on the penis. They have pimples. in the face. Wait a minute. Why do they show their. penises? What show? They don't have Is it cheap? They don't. have makeup artists. Wait, why do they Why do you see their. penis? I don't like that you see their. penis their genitals. Why is that sex. stuff? Yeah, sex stuff. Do you see vagina? Yeah. Yuck. The lips. like yuck. No, just the hair. Yuck. I only like I ONLY LIKE PENISES. I ONLY. LIKE LOOKING AT penises online and on.

and on on movies and stuff. Yeah. Apparently it's like a it's a show. on Hulu. It's called Normal People. What's it about? It's based on a book. It I tell us what. it's about. I'll tell you what it is. The gist of it. is I think is is it's about Irish young. Irish love. Oh, I'm in. Right. And it's a um I don't know much. about it, but I think it's a girl who's. not that popular. Right. Just back me. up. Is it based in Ireland? Yeah. Irish love. Oh, young Irish love. And then the pop the popular guy in. town, Ryan likes.

Ryan O'Hulahan. Yeah. What's his name? Um the actor or. No. No. Yeah. Well, the character's. name. Um Connell. Connell. Connell. Oh, Connell. And who's he in love with? What's the. girl's name? Marianne. What is it? Marianne. Marianne. Marian. Connell and Marianne. And then so the the popular guy um. Connell. Connell. He He makes love to Maryanne. Oh, he's. Yeah. Oh, good God. I hope the Lord doesn't. hear that. And then what happens? They keep it a secret. They have to cuz they're Catholic,

aren't they? No, because the boy doesn't like anyone. to know. Cuz she's ugly. Because she's a foreigner. But from what I No, from what I've seen, she's pretty cute. So, why does he keep it a secret? Because a lot of um students in high. school doesn't like her. Oh, she's not popular. You don't want to [ __ ] a loser. Yeah, cuz she doesn't use [ __ ] anything for. her acne on her [ __ ] face. Idiot. Wait, so it's so it's a high. school. It's a high school show. Yeah, but then you also see them in. college.

This is too much time jump for me. And they [ __ ] they [ __ ] hard? Hey, shut the [ __ ] up, Rudy. They [ __ ]. hard or what? Yeah. Yeah. Gross. That's gross. I don't like stuff like. that. But speaking of shows that I'm. annoyed with right now, I'm pissed off. at 90day Fiance because you did it on on. Tiger Belly with with Fat with Mayo Head. Ed. Don't call him that. He's a new friend. of mine. Mayo head Ed. Yeah, I can't call him Mayo head Ed. He is a mayo head. I understand that. he's mayo head. But can I tell you what pissed me off. about it? He's not your [ __ ] friend. Can I tell you what pissed me off about.

it? He didn't even know he was doing Tiger. Belly. He comes on because I guess he. was doing some sort of press junket. Yeah. Right. So he's doing just a serious. So. then when he saw me, he knew, right, that he's the one he call he said that I. Who set it up? What's that? press person. Uh what's the network? TLC. TLC. Oh, so he didn't even know. No. So you could you could hear the. first the publicist going um this is. Margaret from TLC. Um so Ed is I don't.

know where he is, but he'll be on in a. second. You know, I don't like taking a. break. So then when he sees me, he. doesn't re he remembers that he told you. that he's too Kyla's too good for me. So. that he was just like almost in shock. like, "Oh my god, it's you.". I didn't like it. Yeah. And you you listen to it? Yeah. I didn't like it. Yeah, I watched it. I thought it was Here's. why I didn't like it. Why? It was too hard. I don't buy this guy, by the way. I'm I. don't buy him. I think this is all a big game for him. I think he's was never in love with.

Rose. I think it's I think it's a bit. I. think it's all. That's exactly what it was. Yeah. He's an actor. It's a bit. Yeah. And And by the way, I don't like it. I. like when it's not a bit. I like when. those guys on reality shows, the guy. that went to Serbia like n like seven. years of dating that girl or wherever. she was. I love that guy. That guy's my favorite. The guy lives in. Vegas. David. He's like, "She'll be there." This guy. Yeah. The guy answered the door. He's like, "No one ever leave here look like this.". I loved it so [ __ ] much. Yeah. I just think I don't I don't like when I. find out that these guys Look, if you're. going to be an actor on a reality show,

as long as it's kind of publicized that. way, like uh The Hills or um uh uh um. what was the Jersey Shore? Jersey Shore. Like they all kind of wanted to be in. entertainment, so I'm fine with it. So, but so did Big Ed. Big Ed, I think. I know, but he always, I think, wanted. to get famous. That's why I don't like it. That's why I think it's [ __ ]. And so he lies. and he goes this route. I don't like it. Right. Cheap. It's cheap. Cheap cheap. Did you see his What drove me crazy is I.

looked at Cameo on Instagram. Yeah, we looked at you looked up his. cameos. Yeah, Elvis. Mhm. Did you see that? Yeah. Yeah. And you can tell that he um but I. didn't tell him this when we interviewed. him, but I wanted to say is listen to. me, Ed. You know what that is? Yeah. Stop there. It's only half. It's. only a quarter. 15 is right to there. Yeah. 15. Yeah, that's it. And it's uh just milk it. Milk it. Milk it. Milk it. Milk it cuz.

it's going. How much money did he get on. Cameo for his um Do you know how much. they were? No. Let's find out how much Big Head Ed is. on Cameo. It just upset me because I. thought it was it wasn't as good as it. could have been. The whole thing I was. like this is not it just I just I wanted. him to be real. I wanted him to be in. love with that ro chick, you know. Yeah. But you know he I have to you have. to admit though he was entertaining on. the show. only because she didn't like him at all. Yeah. Now that we know his intentions,

it makes him unlikable. Well, here's Rose right here. Let's see. what Rose charges. Rose charges $54. from N's Fiance season 4. I'm asking you. all for um Kameo and I want I want to. hear you for um greetings and. personalize and click to my accounts and. uh take care and I uh I have a wonderful. day. Love you all. So I love Oh, you hear the rooster? I. like her a lot. Let's let's hire Rosemary. Let's buy a.

Riot. I'll buy her for more than that. But I. like her a lot. Let's buy a and just have her send a. video to us. So here's what she's doing right now. Yeah. To Brian, Jonathan, Justin, and Journey. Best mom, Jennifer. Hi. This me Rose. How are you? Me. She needs subtitles. Let's do one words like uh Bobby, Andrew, you guys are getting married. You guys haven't had sex yet. Yeah, but. let's hire a brother.

because I like her. And where's uh. where's Mayo head at? What does that. [ __ ] goon charge? I'm just being mean to him for some. reason because I thought it was disen. Look at there. Oh, he thinks he's hot. He's got someone. drum. $100. $100. You make my day. Let me make yours. Okay. Let me send out a shout out to. anybody you want. Um I'm having a lot of. fun with this. It's been a crazy ride. It's going to get a lot crazier. It's about to be over. But again, much love, much appreciation, and uh. Yeah.

Let's have some fun. Yeah. Yeah. I don't hate I don't hate the guy. I. just think the way I I just didn't like. the interaction on on Tiger Belly at. all. And I think the fans said would say the. same. It wasn't as good as I want. It was no. THERE WAS NO. THERE'S THERE WAS NOTHING THAT I COULD. [ __ ] DO, MANNY. IT WASN'T YOUR FAULT. I'LL TELL YOU WHY. BECAUSE THE TLC. PUBLICIST THERE WAS LIKE I I want to. push this, but I can't. You could have. Cuz what's the worst. that's going to happen that they pull. it? Yeah. You still have it on your side. Yeah. But but there was some weird THING. WHERE I WANTED him to like me. WHY?

I DON'T KNOW WHY. HE DOESN'T like you. He doesn't like you. I know he doesn't. I can tell. I can. tell. He doesn't respect me. You don't respect him. I don't. But that's the balance. Yeah. He doesn't respect you because you don't. respect him at all. Right. He knows that. So he goes into there. That's why he And by the way, that's why. he talks [ __ ]. Yeah. That's That's why he talks [ __ ]. How do we Now, how do we do the Rose. thing? We're going to You want to buy her right. now? Yeah. Let's buy right now. Okay, let's do it. So, Rosemary Vega. Yeah. Okay. book now for $54.

Can we give a Okay. To. to who? To Bobby and Andrew. To Bobby and Andrew. And just say from Rudy. From Rudy. Yeah. From Rudy. What's the occasion? The occasion, right? Wedding. Wedding. Um. Yeah. Okay. And what was um. so like cong um. congratulations. Should I spell it wrong on purpose? Yeah. Congratulations.

to Andrew. to Andrew. and Bobby. Bobby. Um, you guys finally going to have. It's okay that gay marriage. isn't legal in Where are we? Where's gay. marriage illegal in? What state? Bosnia. Huh? Let's say Bosnia. In Bosnia. Yeah. It's okay that gay marriage is illegal. in Bosnia. Yeah. Because you because. your love is more powerful.

than the law. or barbwire offense. Then then. make her say something difficult. then. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Your love is more powerful than. bureaucratic. bureaucratic. systems. Systems. I can't spell bureaucratic. It's okay. I. don't know how to spell. There it is. Bureaucratic systems. Yeah. And. um. unfathomable that's a that's a very. difficult word. unfathomable yeah. um um heights.

stringent. stringent. unfathomable stringent. stringent. uh. stringent heights. heights. you. both will prevail. prevail. gloriously. and. yeah One day your adoption. Yeah. of a. Lithuanian baby will come true.

Yeah. [Music]. Beachbody. Oh, I love this thing. During. quarantine, this has saved my life. You. know, I do the um morning meltdown. Yeah, you did the morning meltdown. Bobb's trying to get jacked using. Beachbody on demand. You can do online. workouts. Look, everyone is at home. No. one's going to go to a gym for a long. time. Uh, and these people are the ones. that started P90X Insanity. and 21-Day Fix. That's right. So, you could try out a. host of their new workouts. Bobby did. Morning Meltdown 100 days.

Andrew is going to do the 80day. obsession. I'm going to try it, but that's a lot of. days for me. But they got a lot of great online. They also have the best trainers. They. get they have super trainers like Tony. Horton, Joel Freeman, Jericho. McMatthews, and Autumn Cal. Autumn Cales straight from Italy. best. programs, dude. Hundreds of effective. workouts, all fitness levels. Whether. you're a noob noob or you're jacked like. Bobby who's in the gym literally eight. days a week, you uh you can find what. you need on here. You can work out with. your schedule. Workouts short as 10.

minutes, which is a little too long for. Bob, but even still, you don't need any. extra equipment. You can do it all from. the comfort. I can do 12 minutes. Best deal in. fitness. Okay, listeners of Bad Friends. can try this absolutely free. for free. You can get jacked in your. house. Okay, Bobby tried it. He did. good. You did okay with the morning. meltdown. He did fine. You did fine. Uh. we really want you to try the service. out to see what you can do. If if. anybody gets in great shape, send us in. the photos. We'd love to see what you. look like. Right now, you can get a. special free trial membership when you.

text. Bad Friends. to 3030. That's 330s. 30 3030. Text Bad. Friends there. You'll get full access to. the entire platform for free. All the. workouts, the nutrition information, and. support totally for free. again. Just. text. bad friends. to 30 3030 here. You can you say it? Can you read that off the thing? Yeah. Can you read that there? You can read. it. You can do it. Just try. here. Look on the TV right there. Even if you [ __ ] up. Okay. So, say that cuz it'll this is. what it's going to sound like from from. Rose. Okay. Congrats to Andrew and Bobby. Sad.

Hey, play up the accent, will you? Will. you kind Will you [ __ ] get involved. here, Rudy? Yeah. Yeah. Congrats to Andrew and Bobby. sad gay. marriage isn't legal in Bosnia cuz your. love is more powerful than bureaucrat. bureaucratic systems and unfathomable. [Laughter]. stringent heights. You will prevail. glorious gloriously and one day adoption. of Lithuanian baby will come true.

Yeah. Why do we even need to pay Rose? That was really good. That was better than probably how Rose. book. I'm not I can't put in my email. and all that stuff now. This is what. we're going to book and then next week. we'll play the video from Rose. Oh, I can't wait. I think that's going to be so fun. Yeah. Look, that I I think I think the. interview wasn't anybody's fault. I just. think I was disappointed. I was. disappointed. I wanted to be able to. honestly I wanted to uh. Yeah. I Yeah. I mean, I you know, in. retrospect, I regret I don't think that.

I prepared properly. I think I was too. nervous or I think that um publicist. threw me off and I I apologize to the. fans that I should have I should have. drilled them more and I. n there's nothing you can do. When a. publicist get involved it gets a little. like uh too too um too professional. I mean there's there's [ __ ] going on. like this next Monday we're doing you. know the David Spade movie. Yeah. So the publicist for. that movie looks so funny by the way. Yeah. I'm dead serious. That's the one that remember the one. line that I had. Oh yeah that was that. Yeah, it's just.

that movie. That movie looks so funny, man. The. concept is so good. Tell people what the. concept is. I didn't I didn't. You don't know what the movie's about at. all? I didn't know. Seriously? I have no idea what. David Spade essentially is in this movie. where he and he he thinks he's texting. one girl, invites her on a on a second. date to Hawaii, and instead gets this other idiot from. his past in his phone who has the exact. same name. Yeah, it's Lauren Lapis, right? Isn't it. Lapis? and she shows up instead of this. hot other chick that he thinks it is.

this like supermodel. and Lapa shows up and she's like the. girl from hell and she's crazy and da da. da but of course it ends up turning out. that you know she's she's just as good. if not better than the original thing. but but but honestly shut the [ __ ]. but honestly I saw that concept and I go. so fun so current I hope it's really. funny. cuz sometimes I see comedy movies now. and I go well that concept doesn't even. look This concept looks hilarious. You. invite the wrong idiot on vacation. Yeah. Well, well, when First of all,

when I was there, I was just like, um, one line, huh? Yeah, it I Well, Spade called me, goes, you have one line. I told you this. Did. I tell you what happened? Yeah, we talked about it. Yeah, but I just can't believe one line. They. didn't let you bang out anything else. No, one line. What was the line? Welcome to some hotel. that's getting cut. Yeah, if I was the editor, I'd be like. I I know. And then also then and then. they're like, "Hey, can you have Lauren. Lapis and Nick Schwarzen on your. podcast?" So they're coming Monday. together. Yeah.

No, that's good. But you've had. Yeah, but I'm just saying now. you've had Nick on the show before. No. Never. Nick's never done the show. Never. Have you had Nick? Yeah. After Nick got sober, he came on. my show um and we talked about what. happened to him. in great depth, actually. Wow. Yeah. Great. And and and emotional depth. like. he, you know, he kind of got the Nick is. a guy who's always been fun to party. with, but as a child of addiction or. around addiction, I know when people. were too much. Yeah. Schwarzen was one of those ones.

that I always had in my prayers to be. honest with you. I just wanted him to be okay. I love First of all, ever since I've. been in comedy, he's always been the nicest, coolest guy. to me. I mean, he's he you know, you'd. be at the improv and he'd sneak up. behind you and go, "Hey, you want to. fuck?" You know what I mean? He's like. one of those guys and you go, "Yeah, you. want to [ __ ] now?" You know what I mean? We would simulate it, you know what I. mean, in front of everybody. He's just. one of those He's exactly my type of. guy. He's super fun.

Super fun. He used to have this um. Do you know every year he had this um. birthday party at a roller skating rink, right? Mhm. And it was the greatest party in human. history because this he would wear, you. know, leotard and pink wings, right? Schwarzen always committed to things. I. mean, he still always commits. And then one night, you know what. happened and why he canceled it, right? M. so he would have this gigantic birthday. party and you know he would charge five.

bucks whatever you know and um he he. would put this five bucks all the money. into this like tin kind of can thing and. at 3:00 in the morning he was walking to. his car and some. man put out a shotgun stuck it to his. face and took the money. I wasn't a shotgun I had a I had a. handgun I had a handgun but. Very funny. Yeah. No. Yeah. I I heard I heard a. variation of that. I made I made some of that cuz.

Yeah, you made some of it up. I was filling up though. I I make things up out of. But it was still good. I lie a lot. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. What do you lie about the most? Everything. Really? Yeah. I think my whole life is a lie. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I think you found I think you found a. very happy medium. I think that I. medium. Yeah. Median. Median. Median means medium, right? Well, here's what I do. I. embellish on a story. So, so let's say. suppose like. I'm walking down the street and a.

homeless man bumps me. Hey, heads up. Heads up, man. Heads up. That story will then turn into. he pulled his penis out, pissed on my. leg, right? I try to run, he tripped me, and then he [ __ ] on my leg or whatever. You know, it's always something. Do you. do that? Of course. That's what comedians in our. mind but then it's like a it's a li it's. a life based on lies. No, I'll do that if I'm telling a story. on stage. That's what I'm referring to. But if it's like. No, I say that like in front of like.

like a friend of mine. No, that doesn't make sense to me. That's insane. Yeah, I do it all the No, if if if if. that was a story like most of my bits. have come from a place where they become. hyperbolized or grown into these bigger. bits where like this happened and then. look. you don't you don't like when you're on. a podcast on a podcast you don't. embellish stories. No. Yeah. But but for the most part. they're really true. Like maybe I'll. Yeah. They're based on truth. Yeah. But yours is that's more than. sensationalism to be like I bumped into. a homeless guy versus he pulled out his. dick. He pissed on me. You know what I.

mean? He opened his butthole up and. pulled out a little like an American. flag. Yeah. I I need help. That's No, you don't need help. Yeah, I do. I do. I can't. No, because. that's not a way. I want to I don't want. to be that guy. It's okay to make those bits on stage. to embellish bits for the sake of. comedy. That's this dude. This is a. comedy show. It's fun. Yeah. Sometimes I'm at like a Zoom AA. meeting. Oh, that you should. No, but no, but listen. And I'll be like. people are sharing deep [ __ ]. Mhm. And I'm like, I have nothing to say. Right. Right. So then they'll go my turn. I go, hi, I'm Bobby. And it's like, oh my god,

life is so hard. Oh my god. See, and then um Yeah. So. then my uncle used to like beat me and. stuff. You just make up stuff like that. Yeah. Because the guy before me just. [ __ ] his whole family died. So what? Why can't you just be like, "Hey, that sucks about the family thing. I'm I'm I'm in good shape.". Yeah. Because I saw that at an A meeting. once where It was so funny. It was so. funny. I I laughed out loud. Yeah. So it was one of those a meeting I. should have a [ __ ] it where everyone. shares. Yeah. Right. And you have to.

share. And so one guy was like literally. was like um so my cancer came back and. my doctor is is giving me you know six. weeks you know or whatever right sad. and then literally the next was hey I'm. Tom I sold the SCRIPT. I SOLD IT guys. did you clap that's that's a good. and no and I it was the just the guard.

you know because you if I was the guy I. was Oh, I'm sorry, Matt. You know what I. mean? Yeah, but that that's great. Yeah, but I and this is me in the me. like I you know, did you talk to him afterwards? No. You could have got a line in that. I know. I should have said Yeah, but. what do you know what do you say to a. guy who has cancer? I don't know what to. say. Well, I think that's the point of that. guy saying I sold a script. Okay. No, you should. Yeah, there's nothing you can do besides you. have to move forward. You have to move.

forward. Yeah. Um, okay. Can I can I sh can I share. something with you here? Let's do this. There's uh I I want to um Andreas we. haven't used in a long time and you know. he's a little upset about it. He wants us to call him. Andreas um because he I guess I think he. miss he misses us a little bit, you. know. So we have to call Andreas because he uh. wants to uh do a little video for us. Let me do it on FaceTime here. Okay. So.

today. today. today today's Bob Marley's uh death day. He died today on this very day and. because of that. Andreas is a massive our fancy bee. Andreas our house resident fancy bee is. a massive Bob Marley fan and he he wants. to do a tribute. Um. he wants to sing a song. He wants to do a Bob Marley tribute. Oh I like Three Little Birds. Can he. sing that? I can ask. Hi swetheart. Hey.

Good. I can't hear him on my. Oh, I don't know why he's not in the. headphones. Hold on one second, sweetheart. Okay. Hey, now we hear you. Okay, good. You You hear him now, right? Bob. in your headphones. Yeah, I can hear him now. So So it's Bob Marley's birthday. I told. I'm sorry. It's Bob Marley's death day, right? You love Bob Marley. Why? I love Bob Marley. Yeah. Um, well, he's. just an inspiration for all of us, you.

know, for for the moment when we are all down, we just play some music and smoke some. weed and we feel all better. Wow. I didn't know you were such a big. weed smoker. Yeah. Really? Are you high right now? Yes. I needed a a couple, you know, poofs to do this. A poof? A couple of poofs? Yeah. That's how they say it in Spain. They say poofs. Yeah. You know, I need to hit a couple of. poof. Can I have a poof up there? Can. you imagine if a bunch of you guys are. smoking weed? Can I have a poof of that? Oh, I would light them on fire if.

somebody said that. Excuse me. No, bro. You say poof, bro. Could I have a poof of that, please? No. [ __ ] you, bro. Come on, man. I need a poof. Yeah. So, listen. You like smoking weed and. listen to Bob. What uh what are you. going to do as a tribute for Bob. Marley's death day? He died this very. day. I thought, you know, to uh sing a little. bit of a song for for him and for all of. you, like probably my first and last uh. performance ever. No, no, no. Oh, you're going to have. many more. So, Bobby Bobby likes the. song Three Little Birds. Can you Can you. bring that up and sing Three Little.

Birds? What about I Shot the Sheriff? No, no, no, no. We I want you to sing a. song that you didn't prepare. He prepared I shot the sheriff. Yeah, you prepared I shot the sher like. last night in the shower was. Can we Can we hear a little bit of I. shot the sheriff for fun right now? Yeah. Let's hear a little bit. Right. Okay. Ready? Oh, yeah. I shot the sheriff, but I didn't shoot no deputy. Oh, no.

I shot the sheriff. Love it. Yeah, but I didn't shoot no deputy. All around my hometown, they're trying to track me down. They say to warn me bring guilty. for the killing of aut.

Very good. Get right to the course. again. For the life of aut. Very good. [ __ ] That's real right there. That's. [ __ ] dope. That's dope right there. I will pay. Andre, clap. Rudy's clapping for you. All right. Three Little Birds. Three Little Birds. Will you bring up Three Little Birds on. your computer? I I'm sorry. I don't know what that one. he trying to what?

He doesn't know that one is. That's the best part. The best part. song that he's ever written. Okay. You know my You know what my favorite. song is? Which one? Which one? No woman No cry. No. No. Which one? Redemption song. Yeah, that's a good song. I wish we could play some of it right. now. I know. You know, he died from Bob Marley died. from um foot cancer, aka the government, right? The [ __ ] government killed him. I know they did. Why do they say foot? Like they said. melanoma, skin cancer. The.

Simon Chow killed Bruce Lee. Simon Cowell, the American Idol guy. No, Simon Chow, the old Chinese. He. killed Bruce Lee. and his son. Brandon, that's a fact. Brandon got shot. from a a blank bullet, but it was a real. bullet. Simon Chow. Yeah. The. Simon Cow did all that stuff. Not Simon Cowell. Not the idol. Not the X-Factor guy. No. He was like, "Bruce Lee, you're not that. good.". No. No. It was Simon Chow, the old. Chinese producer. It was a guy.

He did like Enter the Dragon. All that. [ __ ]. Why didn't he like Bruce? There was something. I don't know. What are you in the ocean? Yeah. It looks like Echo Park has. helicopter going by. Wow. Okay, go. Three Little Birds. Let's hear Three Little Birds. Okay. Can you Can you guys give me a. hand and tell me a little bit what the. melody is like? This is the best. YOU YOU'RE A HUGE BOB MARLEY FAN. PIECE OF [ __ ]. Come on, dude. You're a huge Bob Marley. fan. Let's hear it. Okay. Don't worry about a thing.

cuz every. Perfect. sing. Don't worry about a thing. Mhm. It's not. Cuz every little thing is going to be. all right. It's not. It's not. This is good. It's not. It's not even It's not even. close. Keep going, Andreas. You're right there. Keep going, man. Rise up in the morning. It's He doesn't know about that. Smile with a rising sun. Yep. No. Three little birds.

by my doorstep. Sweet song. Okay. Okay. Can I teach you the best way to. learn this? To learn this song. The melody is like the ABCs. So it's. So try that. Try that. Up higher.

Oh my god. Come on. Come on. That's right. Let him. go. Let him do it. Yeah, that's dead on. Okay. All right. Yep. Higher. Higher. Higher. All right. That's it. Perfect. Okay. Very good. You're a huge fan. I. can. massive pthead. Massive Bob Marley fan. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

This is the kind of guy. What's all over your shirt? Is that. shipping instructions to get you back to. where you're from? What the [ __ ] What. the [ __ ] is that? No. You know what it looks like? Stigmatada. You know how like. through the skin? You know, even like when somebody's. possessed, right? They write a message. through the skin. That's what it looks. like. Help me. That looks like uh looks like a bunch of. You know, this looks like the movie. Momento where he writes all. all those tattoos. What does that shirt. really say? I can't We can't read. anything. Uh something about love and color and.

life. Meanwhile, if that was on his. walls in his bedroom, you'd have to call. like the cops. The cops. It's definitely a manifest. Who makes that shirt? Is that a fancy. shirt? And we just don't know. Yeah, it's a it's a brand called Desi. Wall from Spain. Desi Wall. Right. Elegant European style. Yeah. All right. You know, I hate You know, you know who that is? Desi Wall? No. I've never heard of this designer before. in my life. Yeah, because we're real Americans. Yeah, we're real Americans. How much. would that shirt cost? Are you Are you.

just trying to [ __ ] front on us? Is. that an expensive shirt? Uh, no. Just like normal retail. Maybe a. little pricier than. your average like Zara, but it's not. not like a huge, you know, like how much? Like like 40 50 60 70 80. 50 60 bucks. 50 60 bucks. Are we paying him? Do we pay him money? I don't want. Okay. I don't think we should. Okay, good. Not anymore. Yeah. Yeah. Not anymore. Not if you're wasting. money. Very good job. Very good job, dude. say happy happy Bob. Marley Death Day. I'm sorry he passed.

away on this very day a long time ago. I'm I'm very sad, too. Well, yeah. When you texted me, you said. I'm a big Bob fan and I would like to. sing a song. Good job, Andro. It's Andre. Whatever. Thank you, Bobby. Yeah. Big. Hey, why don't you why don't you say. what you were going to say to Bobby? You. told me you wanted to some you wanted to. say something to him. What you say? What. don't you say? Well, I right like since last time we. talked, you guys told me that I should. uh practice a little bit my my crowd. work and I wrote down here on my sticky. note like be as mean as you possibly.

can. Uh alienate the audience and be. really rude. So, I thought of like, you. know, uh I I've been practicing on that. So, let let me let me try. Give me give. me 30 seconds. He wants to do standup, you He wants to. do He asked He asked me. He texted me. He He'll be better than George. I'll. tell you that right. He said, "Can I open for you on the. road?" He wants to open for us. What up, [ __ ]. Welcome. I hope you guys didn't have. anything better to do than to come to.

the shitty ass club. Like, like we said. in my country, the roaches like the poo. poo. Oh, I hope you guys get diarrhea. from the chicken wings. But let's meet. let's meet some of our audience members. tonight. Uh yeah, let's start with the. lucky charms looking [ __ ] in the. corner. Hey you. Very good. Like lumps to head. Uh where do you. leave her money on hers or hooters? If there's a pot at the end of your.

rainbow, it's it sure is filled with. dundies and a welfare check. No, it's good. No, no, but sorry. Sorry. I'm I'm I'm a. huge fan. I'm I'm you know, you're one. of my comedic heroes. Thank you for. being here. carrot top. It look. That's good. It look It looked like you, you know, stopped going to the gym and went to the. groomers instead. But, uh, well, you look good. You look. good with a little more weight. Um, is it true that gingers have no talent.

in your face? He did the mic slam. Do me, do me, do me, do me now. Oh. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Let's go to. the Chinese guy in the back. Can I call you Ming? Oh, wow. It's good. I never seen an Asian with a mullet. before. Uh, that looks like, you know, that haircut looks like it's all. business in the front and stretch up in. the back. Oh, wow. Well, I can like Bill Ray Sean in.

the house. He's coming up to sing his. hit songy breaky egg roll. But no, no, sir. You you you look like a. NASCAR driver that will get into a lot. of accidents. I was playing bumper car. Well, that's all I got for you. That was. my. It's so much better now. The tone.

funny, dude. That's his voice. By the way, you did a great job. Those. jokes that you roasted us for were. really good. I think some of the top. ones where they say that gingers don't. have talent. So good. So good. Good. twist on Souls. Yeah. And the best one for this the best one. for this [ __ ] NASCAR. The NASCAR that gets a lot of access. Very good. Very funny, man. Because you you did the whole stereotype. that we can't drive as well in there. Yeah. It's real nice. No, I think actually it also applies. literally to you cuz you are a dog [ __ ]. driver.

Don't you have like a a Prius that is. crashed? Yeah. See, look at that. He's paying. attention. Still doing it, huh? Yeah. Andreas, honestly, that Can you do that every. week? Probably not, but I'll try. Okay, next week. But have some for Rudy. next week. Okay, bud. Okay. So, good. That's good. Andreas. Difficult to to Rose Rudy, though. He's too nice. Yeah, she is too nice. But she's talked. some [ __ ] about you. She has. Yeah. Tell. him what you say about him. Tell him what you say. Yeah, tell him. Tell him what you call him. Uh, kind.

Yeah, that's in your face, dude. Right. in your [ __ ]. Yeah. Yeah. All right. All right. Andreas, we love. you. We'll see you later, bud. Love you, Dad. Thank you. Bye. So good. I I It's an improvement, honestly. Yeah. Because the other [ __ ] now, you. know, stand up is about finding your. voice and. he found it. Yeah. Before it was like he didn't that. political [ __ ] he was doing. So funny. But that was so funny. This was very good. The political stuff was really funny, too. I think.

I think he's I think he's a very funny. dude. I think that I can't wait for him. to open for us when we're on the road. But isn't she going to go out, too? She Would you do standup in front of. thousands of people, Rudy? I I don't know. Yeah, but she What What I want her to do. is sell the merch. Merch? Yeah, we need merch. Yeah. Do you um do you think this is weird? I. just literally yesterday released. Well, last week released tickets for a. date in October. Don't you think. October's fine?

Yeah. I'm doing the Wilbur in Boston for. the first time. If any of our fans are. in Boston, come see me. I played there once. Do you love it? It was during a hurricane. So, in that. big theater, I had not lying. This is. not an exaggeration. Nine people. Oh my god. Why didn't you just not do. the show? I did it. Why would you just do Why would you just. say we have to cancel? I would give back. their money. Nine people. Did you get You didn't get paid. No. Holy [ __ ]. It was terrible. And that's why I've. never played it. I don't I think they. think I I can't draw or something.

Of course you could. You could. I know I could kill it there, but they. Yeah, that's what happened. Wow. So, you're going to play the Wilbur? That's great. Oh, you should save that. date for us. The Wilbur? Yeah. This was booked forever ago and then I. had to reschedule it. All right. Do you and me? That would have we would have triple. sell it out. Yeah, but we're going to do other ven. we're gonna do a bunch of other ven. By. the way, the the thing about the Wilbur. that's going to be incredible for me is. I taped my half hour for Comedy Central. across the street at the Royale Theater. and AC and at the at the same time that. I was there across the street was.

Fortune Famster playing the Wilbur. Wow. And I was like, damn, dude. She's. [ __ ] killing it. She's killing it. She was killing. That's when I did my. half hour. That was I think it was I'm. almost positive she was there. She was. coming at least. But dude, I I just that. was that was. Thank you for being. Thank you for being a bad friend. No. Yeah. No. Thank you for being a bad friend. Yeah.

Thank you. We don't want to hear [ __ ]. your Wilbur Comedy Central story. Okay. Who gives a [ __ ] Oh, I I shot my. special there. And then you know what? Fortune Future was across the street. It. was great. She's wonderful. She's doing. great. Thank you for being a bad friend. That's what happens when you end it. It's like, "Oh, yeah. Um, I was playing. Philadelphia once." I have a story, too. I was playing Philadelphia once and then. like, um, Chappelle was across the. street. It was great. Thank you for. being a bad friend.

You know, it's like, what the [ __ ] Oh. Oh, yeah. You got to tell us that story. Uh, let's write a script on it. That's. how exciting it is. It's a new movie. You show up, you know, in Boston, right? All the cameras are set up and all of a. sudden you're doing the show and then. [ __ ] fortunes on across the street. and then that's the climax of the movie. It's going to be great. We could [ __ ]. get all kind Tom Hardy will be in it. You know, it's like why don't you learn.

how to play tell a story, friend? Huh? There's got to be a point. Yeah. So anyway, when you did that, when. you [ __ ] did that, in my head I was. like, "Emergency, emergency, [ __ ] you. know what I mean? Emergency shoot, right? Thank you for being a friend, bad. friend. Let's get the [ __ ] out of here.". You know, it's ridiculous. And I know. you had a lapse, a lapse in thought and. judgment, and you thought, I I don't.

there's dead dead air here. I'm going to. throw out this [ __ ] story that I. think is a story, but it isn't. So, I. you know, you're allowed to make. mistakes, but that was a dumb story. And. um you you're going to get angry. You're. going to you're going to do what you. usually do, right? And snap and throw. something or scream or But let's just. let let it go and let's just end the. [ __ ] podcast. Thank you for being a.

bad friend. I think we should because if. that's what your [ __ ] instinct is. right now, [ __ ] face. All right, we're trying to make this. podcast a number one, friend. All right, so just, you know, we might even have to. cut that whole portion out. What do you. think, pal? Oh, yeah. You're getting rageful and. angry. You don't know what to do. Go within yourself, dude. A life not self-examined is a life not. worth living. All right? So, just. examine yourself. You [ __ ] up. And.

let's end the podcast right now. Okay. The Mother Day song was strong. Mother day song. Very good. Mhm. What? What you going to do? Let's move on, dude. Look in the camera. Look at the Look at the camera. Thank. you for be If you don't do this, we're. going to have a very big problem. What? Go ahead.

You thought that was a good story. You thought You thought You thought You. thought that was a good story. I If I had that [ __ ] BB gun right. now, I would shoot you in the [ __ ]. eye, friend. All right, so let's What? Get it off. your chest. Mhm. That's what I thought.

We good. Let's just get end it. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Is that what you. want to hear? I'm so sorry. I shouldn't. have done that. more. Yeah. All right. So, I I want to say that number one, you're. a good standup. You're a very good. storyteller.

And that um I would also have to say. that I think you drive this podcast. I think you prepare. You have bits that. we do on the show. I come here not. prepared. I have no idea what the [ __ ]. I'm going to say. and I should put a lot more energy into. doing this um this podcast. And I want. to say that you're the foundation of. this thing and the reason why it's a. success is because of you and I want to. thank you. But that story was the worst. story I've ever heard. That part comedy. central thing and it was so [ __ ]. dumb.

But other than that, you're the. greatest. I'm sorry. Thank you for being a bad friend. Can I say this? My point is is that um. I'm cute as [ __ ] But my point is is. that Yeah. But my point is is that my. point is is that But my point is is. this. So But my point is is this. But my. point though is is that my point is is. that I don't even know. That's the thing. thing is is that the thing is is that. Cuz the thing is is that that the thing. is is that the thing is is that the the. thing is is that the thing is is that.

you thing is is that the truth is is. that what enraged me is is that but was. weird is that not only that is is that. here's the thing is is that but I my. honest opinion is is that and especially. this is is that what I like about it is. is that the honest truth is is that um. but the problem is is that but what they. don't get is is that so what I'm saying. is is that is that this is that is is. that is that is that Is is that is that. is that is is that is that is is that is. is that is is that is that I don't know. what it is is that what it is is this is.

that um the deal is is this. that can I say. [Music].