Are We Really Friends? | Ep 65 | Bad Friends w/ Erik Griffin

you two are bad friends who are these. two idiots. white dude i'm an asian dude you two. are disgusting well you two or something. we're bad. friends i missed you man did you. i think so whatever bob no i i i. honestly i think so we just stopped. just stop it wait wait stop before you. came in here dude. before you came here i was talking to. the guys and i go and juliana could. rudy can attest to it is this true.

i'm going internal okay you know i'm. going internal with you you seem. different. yeah i'm going internal and when i'm. trying to took you to 50 to try to be a. good person 49. 49 all right i'm going internal and i'm. trying to um. not be such a bully not to be um i joke. aggressively and i'm trying to you joke. from a place of insecurity but go ahead. i'm gonna let that you know what i'm. gonna let that slide. what because you know my my my old self. would have fought back.

my old self would have been like uh i. disagree or whatever right can i tell. you the difference already. the last time i came here yeah the first. thing you said when you came in is you. insulted me. yeah you insulted me and you were. attacking me yeah this time you said hey. you look good. and it was hard for you to say i could. tell it was hard. but that was you making an effort and i. appreciate it it's it was. so hard yeah i know i could tell it was. like it was like they asked me to um. speak at like the rnc. convention right and you gotta be. pro-trump.

and you gotta say the speech yeah it's. like it just goes against every. thing that i believe in but i'll do it. because if they paid you you'd do it no. they would i wouldn't. okay you know what maybe you're right. you know what maybe maybe you're right. dude no i'm not arguing i'm not arguing. maybe you're right i mean you did the. dictator you know what i mean. okay okay you know man you know what it. is i'm just testing you i want to see. if i can make you cry yeah you're not. going to make me crap today. i really you can come back i agree with. you man are we going to call this like.

uh. are we going to call this like uh you. know toenail clipper brothers so we. could very good. do you do you feel a sense of betrayal. from steve no. not at all listen yeah not at all i. tweeted about them i'm i'm happy. i mean i think they're a good. combination yeah they're both insane you. know what i mean no they're not saying. they're both the. same kind of person yeah yeah you know i. agree they're um. i don't want to say it i'm not gonna say. it what you're not gonna say just say it.

no i don't wanna say it it's a safe. space. it's my brother yeah you've said worse. you think because it's your brother they. have the same kind of insecurities. yes i agree that's what i'm saying yeah. yeah yeah yeah yeah and them together. they can just feed off each other and. also they feel comfortable with each. other. because yeah i don't know it looks so. good man are they they try. i i'm i'm happy you look good i said i. know i just i don't believe you so i'm. just like whatever uh. you just i'm trying dude i'm down 40. pounds in body fat looks good. you look good thank you okay thank you. let's start then.

ah this is so dry you're not gonna yo. let me just say something and i'm gonna. be i wanna be very out you're asian bro. i wanna i wanna say something normally i. would say you're so asian. normally i would say you have a big fat. black head and that wouldn't fit on it. right oh so i like how he said it anyway. no. i wouldn't like normally i would have. said that but what i'm saying let me. finish right. i'm just saying that they made that too. small yeah yeah yeah yeah. hey welcome to bad friends give eric. griffin a round of applause he's here.

you know what i wanted to do i wanted to. come here one time. and do like and call it no friends. are we i mean let's let's and i would be. here like no one's there this is. me being no one's there be no friends. you know. like we almost called our podcast. roofing without griffin which. is by the way hilarious i laughed. so hard when i saw it if if we would. have called it that would you been angry. well first of all you wouldn't have. called it that i know but because you're. no. your ego wouldn't have allowed to just. have griffin in the name without you.

yeah but it would have been i think it. would have been hurtful no way. i know at the time though okay my tone. my tone at the time though right. you i had promised you because remember. you and i went to atc. i know brother we drove to atc before. andrew was even in the middle yes. we met with al madrigal can i tell you. something this is the only. reason why i was upset that was it it. was because you weren't up front with me. we already went over this. but i'm just saying all these things i.

keep hearing about this is like i am. not i you guys are still my friends you. think i don't i'm mad at you or. something like that no i don't care. um i don't really care but my point i. know but here's what i want. i want to get to the point of uh-huh. right um. and that's and that was my honest thing. um i want to just get to the po. i want to be my energies i want to get. to the point where um. i don't think that none of us are real. friends. why would you say no let me just think. let's okay let's just let's go down this.

path for a second. please please because at the here's you. know. first to find how about this before you. going on this path yeah define. what a friend is a friend is what i feel. toward kalila. oh no no no no no no no no no. no no no no no no aside from the sexual. you know me energy and and. and. uh i trust her with my money okay. i trust her with um if i tell her a.

secret i i just know that she'll keep it. i trust her with just certain things. that i would trust my brother with you. know it's just like this. deeper okay but how did you get. understanding. because um we just i don't know how we. got there we just did. time i've known you for [ __ ] over. longer. i understand that so you're the only. person on on the other side of this that. thinks the way you think. no i i because listen to this point of. view though real quick. now now i just wanted to hear what you.

thought a friend of us so now i get it. so it's like. so before okay so you know we live our. regular we were born you were born right. and i was hatched is that what you want. me to say or arrived from. from internment there was a beam of. light you know. from you act like you're like a normal. korean looking i am very. normal what are you talking about dude. if you didn't know me right and you put. my face next to. 50 other korean dudes you'd be like oh. yeah no. you look like like remember how the. cabbage patch dolls looked. remember how like they had like a really.

fat head and like a. sl like the body you look like that. it's like a compact version of it's more. of a garbage pail kid. yeah yeah yeah steve looks more like a. korean like he. whatever what do i look like then. whatever gene got to you. go ahead be mean i'm not being like what. do i look like. tell me what i look like i'm just saying. we both came from the same planet okay. don't act like you're all cute all right. thank you go ahead all right so um you.

look like. i don't know i've already heard on like. radio shows and whatever because people. are sending me clips of youtube. [ __ ] about me for no reason okay i. apologize. do you i do okay now go on with friend. please tell me why you think we're not. friends no we aren't friends. no no no no you just said we weren't you. said we're not really friends. i'm going internal guys can i go. internal go ahead. right so um i was thinking about this. it's like you know you're born you know.

you. you grew up in you know a town you did. right yeah okay. and and um do you think i was like in a. colony. or some kind of thing i don't know where. you're from man i know anything about. i'm from l.a. all right so you're from l.a yeah the. city yeah. thank you so um and then you you know. you have your. neighborhood you're you you have to. become friends. with the people that are in your. environment right. not necessarily but that's what you said. back in the day in we'd have no internet. or anything so.

yeah right so you you go to school and. you see i don't know how many people. were in your class. but i had like 300 people in my class. you started the neighborhood. right your neighborhood first yeah right. right like i had a buddy across the. street marius. yeah buddy and you have like oliver that. lives you know i mean two streets. right right exactly frank yeah and then. like frank is into like you know i mean. he eats tree bark so you're like oh but. frank. but oliver seems normal so then you just. forced yeah yeah yeah you'd be friends. with oliver right because there's no one. else there's no one else right you don't.

want to walk two or three blocks. you just stuck with like whoever's. living there right and then you go to. school i had about 300 people in my. class. and then you have this this is basically. you know i mean a pool of people. yeah and you go which one those are your. facebook friends. they're right there but because and then. when you get older. you move out and the world opens up. right. and then the internet obviously and then. all of a sudden. you know you have then you then you. follow then you discover.

the thing that you're gonna do for the. rest of your life okay. you know what i mean is stand up. okay right for you and then all of a. sudden. you know you're amongst a smaller group. of people. like you're back in school and then. you're picking amongst. like you know if i've met like at the. companies how many regulars do you think. we have. i don't know let's say 200 right paid. regulars. okay you know some of them don't get.

spots there's probably a thousand. yeah wow that's actually a good question. to think about yeah. it's it's i think that there's a regular. the comedy store is like you know almost. like a u.s president there's not that. many. i know but there's also like what are. you googling. they're not going to have that listed. they're going to have that listed man. well they might look at that paid. regular's comedy store maybe they're. maybe there there's a list i've never. thought to even look at this. paid regulars oh there you go oh there. is a list. wow oh my god what a stupid way to do.

the list yeah yeah yeah. this is all the way down. that looks like about a thousand just. count down and across that. that looks about a thousand names could. be right yeah. but i see like lenny schultz never seen. him yeah yeah. there's a lot of people on there if i'm. not on there i'm gonna see. i see your name right there bobby lee. jody miller okay okay yeah. karen haber bobby yeah but you got like. look at the list harry basil yeah you. know who he is yeah yeah harry yeah i. love harry yeah yeah but harry. when's the last i've never seen him he's.

a club owner now yeah yeah. and then you have melrose larry green i. don't know who that is. you have kelly rogers have you ever. heard of her the fat. doctor maybe we both you know that guy. that was you knew it. you see what we're saying i was gonna. count down i was to count down. i saw that when i was like let me see. how fast he was so quick it was like. they took out. the i said i didn't know his hat he was. like that's you. unbelievable that's what they call you. you don't know that oh bobby that's. a fat doctor okay okay anyway um all. right take that off please spanky hayes.

yeah charlie hill yeah so mostly people. we don't even know you know spanky haze. no. oh i love spanky haze spanky hayes is um. a little. i'm not being i'm being real spanky. hayes is this. little black kid he's my height. shaved head fat same body type right. and him and i back in we were open. micros together. and him and i wrote a movie. back then it's called it was called war. babies.

war babies yeah so basically we're. brothers but we're like. how did you betray him did you do the. movie instead with like a white guy. [Laughter]. it's because i need a mustache on this. lip i think that's what it is that's. what's [ __ ] up yeah my lip is please. grow a facial hair i'm doing it. it's coming back yeah it's just not yeah. let's start over. no no bobby bobby let's start over.

no i want to continue with this all. right look you start with. look you go to you go to middle school. you have those friends. you don't keep in touch with them you go. to high school you have some high school. buds. you sort of keep in contact with them. more than you keep in contact with. anyone else but. you go to college if you go to college. all right and. those are some people that you know you. have some similar interest but for us. like in your entertainers. like you you whatever you do if you. started working and then you started. doing entertainment look there's a class. of people you start with you have these. open mic people but what happens is.

once you start to surpass them it's hard. to keep in contact with them it's hard. to stay friends with. that's what i'm saying okay because. that's that's exactly thank you so much. yeah okay fat doctor um. thank you the doctor has spoken. [Laughter]. so um what that's exactly what i'm. saying because there was a lot of guys. that open mics with that we would like. create stuff with yeah yeah. and all of a sudden you're like you. become a paid regular mm-hmm.

and then they're here and then all of a. sudden you get tv spots. they're still here and all of a sudden. you run into them. and then you're hanging out with all of. us what happens is. you start getting [ __ ] and then the. cooler ones. or the ones that you perceive to be. cooler which is so shallow. think about it so shallow like you'll. like a gentle neck will go. what's up angle me right. you're talking to me right and all of a. sudden this guy.

that you were in open mics with right. you just start drifting apart. are you still friends with the guys you. started with no exactly. not really what happened well it's just. again you you you move on your life your. life. is that does that make us shallow no i. don't know if it necessarily makes you. shallow so much as it makes you like you. you need to be around like-minded people. sometimes in the same way that like. chappelle chris rock and those type of. people you know. they they can sit around and have. conversations about oh man. you know yeah we made 20 million from.

netflix but i hate when netflix does. this thing and they can complain about. that. i want to say something embarrassing. that happened to me. so i was doing that game show game on. so i'm standing there with this this. showed me where i was at. in show business all right so i'm. standing there with keegan you know. michael keaton yeah. and keegan we were just talking or. whatever and then all of a sudden. when we shot our game on next to what. was that. cedric show what's that called. neighborhood neighborhood the.

neighborhood. yeah it's still still on the air yeah. insane absolutely insane just get me on. something like that. yeah i know so cedric's walking down. this lot right and king goes come on. let's go say hi to cedric and i go. in my head i start running with him but. as i'm running. you know you know keegan's run i'm. running right in my head i'm like i. don't know. [Laughter].

right i'm running with them like this. right now we get to them right. and they embrace it was as. as if they had served in vietnam. together yeah you know. charlie yeah yeah frank you know what i. mean i thought you were and they just. hugged right and i go i tapped cedric. cause i'm there what am i gonna do right. so i go what's up right he goes no. [Laughter]. that's all he said he goes okay he goes.

no i got one for you yeah. tell you what happened to me okay i'm. i'm i'm out i'm having brunch. i'm having brunch with gerard carmichael. i love him okay love girard. all right he he has got it like i just. saw him in new york and. i was like hey we want to have dinner. tomorrow and he's like hi mike but i'm. having a meeting with robert downey jr. i'm not sure if this is. and i was like of course you are yeah. yeah okay anyway we're having brunch. up walks jamie foxx okay with a couple. people. jamie foxx is like talking to jerrod. yeah gl he's just like oh.

man his show was on the air at the time. yeah he's going in and in and then. they're talking. i'm chiming in when i can yeah whatever. and then. jamie foxx goes well let me get you let. me get you let me get your number. to draw it to draw you want to they want. to exchange numbers yeah. jamie foxx looks at me as if. i'm supposed to get the number for. gerard. you're the assistant yeah you're the. assistant he looked at me like i was one. of his. you're the assistant one of his dudes.

that's just around yeah yeah. and i was like wow yeah yeah like. really it's insane it's it's so i i. totally get what you're saying yeah but. let's extrapolate this further. okay because this is what i'm really. getting from this right okay. you think you shouldn't be my friend. anymore. that's what it is are you out of your. control yeah yeah you it's your mind i. don't know. all right you think that like you're now. you're a lot of jamie foxx and cedric. and so this is why you don't want to you. don't you think that like somehow you're.

not supposed to be friends with me. is your mind mental right now or what oh. come on let's go let's just. wait let me let's be real let's just be. honest. that's beyond this is why you give me. that give me that this is why you wanted. to be with this guy give me that guy you. were like. you know what andrew's a he's more. famous. and so this will probably be a better. match-up and i'll make a point give it a. message. and be better for you in the long run. that's how you thought about it this is. my relationship with andrew give me the. mask. all right just watch this this. one gesture right this one gesture will.

tell you. the relationship i have with the guy all. right ready uh-huh. listen i love him but we. bobby you build friendships over time. and experience we had our experience. together. we went to the middle east we dealt with. all that all right yeah. and then when we came back we've had. these experiences we go eat when we can. we. we've had these conversations we've done. these podcasts you're my friend for life.

yeah but bobby you don't i don't think. you really believe that. or you don't act like that no matter. what i do all right. no matter what it no matter how many. times i try to like let you know hey man. i'm your friend. i'm here for you you still somehow you. just don't want to believe it like you. feel like. at some point i'm going to pull a knife. out and stab you in the back. you know and i don't get where you get. that from you know maybe it's from your. lifelong experiences you have with. people so you have to like so the only. way to really be your friend is i have. to live with you.

and start a podcast with you and like. you know take care of you. bring my family around to to you know to. watch you. secretly you know what i mean is this. the only way. that you can have a close friend. that's what i'm getting at what i'm. getting is i love you oh. god i mean. calm me down going down this path that's. where i was going yeah is it. i love you so much oh my god that's. where we're at.

do you yeah i do because you know you. make cause let me ask you [ __ ] you man. you got me yeah i hit me you know you. made me get. really hard and mad now you make it. really. that whenever right like this [ __ ]. situation right whenever andrew's like. you know. we got to get another guy and i go i. always throw out. one or two people right you're always. either one or two it's either my brother. or you why [ __ ] hard the reason why.

[ __ ] is hard is there a proof of this. all right all right dr fat is this all. right fat doctor. fat doctor sorry i don't want to [ __ ] up. here. [Laughter]. is because i i love you and i i believe. that. we have good chemistry together we're. very funny together yeah you know what. the best time i. that you remember my cousin had the. movie my cousin's. husband had the movie yeah ej ej i still. work with him. okay he hasn't called me since the movie.

but. that really infuriates me by the way um. better health oh gee you know i should i. should take. more advantage of this service i should. too i mean i've used it before and. i love it i think everyone should be. using it because if there's something. interfering with what's going on in your. life. uh with happiness and preventing you. from achieving goals better help is here. to. assess your need and match you would. your own licensed professional therapist. it's well i'm going to tell you what it. is andrew i'll tell you what it's not. it's not a crisis line right it's not.

self-help. what it is is professional counseling. done securely online and it's available. worldwide. yeah and it has a broad range of. expertise available which may not be. locally available in many areas and it. really is. a great service my whole family has used. it yeah i've used it multiple times. look let's talk from uh from reality bob. and i both use better help we both have. sought. therapy out in different ways this is. more affordable than traditional uh. offline counseling which i really like. and you can do it from the privacy of.

your own home so. if you're someone that doesn't like. talking to people about talking to. people. great do it at the privacy of your house. you don't need to tell anybody you can. you can uh you can start talking to. someone. in in 48 hours which i think it's. affordable too it's more affordable than. all traditional offline counseling and. financial aid is available that's right. uh so many people been using it better. helps uh recruiting additional. counselors in 50 states. this podcast is sponsored by better help. and bad friends listeners get 10. off their first month at betterhelp.com. bad friends. visit betterhelp.combatfriends that's.

betterhelp.help. and join the over one million people who. have. taken charge of their mental health with. the help of an experienced. professional doordash let me say. something to you andrew um. i've said this before when i go to. hawaii the only app that i use. when to get my food is doordash yeah. because it has the most drivers it has. the friendliest drivers. they have i feel like they have access. to the all the best restaurants. yes if you look at my doordash app um i.

can even read you off see what i ordered. all the things that i've ordered let's. see let's go to doordash right here and. it says right here. doordash and it says um. pizza pizza and ra and ramen that's what. your says pizza ramen thai. is what the last three things that i've. ordered from there and oh no that's not. true i ordered liquor but you know. that's because i'm a booze hound. that's what i like to do i would like to. order booze anyway um. it's the best and i don't know how i. would have survived without this app. doordash connects you with the. restaurants you love right now and right.

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is a producer yeah so he goes i did this. independent movie sean austin's in it. right. they changed the name what's it called i. don't know what it's called yet yeah. they changed the name it was supposed to. be. something games but they changed the. name yeah it's about to come out it was. good. it's it's gonna be called no one it. doesn't matter because no one's gonna. ever see it. hey whoa okay but i'm kidding it's a. great movie. and uh i love you ej hence why your. cousin's husband doesn't call you. but go on so um that day we worked one.

day right. yeah right that was and i vividly. remember that day i remember going. wow i've never been on a sat you know i. mean with somebody that. i'm this close to yeah i really wish we. would have got. every time i see superstore i think man. no let's go back to superstar that could. have been us you tested for superstar. right yes. i got pinned and when you. when you break so what i'm saying is is. that they you know what. they they wanted someone to be gay for.

that role. and it's fine yeah they can choose. whoever they want to right. but um i i did want to be on a show with. you. that was my dream but i whenever i do. get on a show it just gets canceled. right away. i know yeah what do you mean i know well. i mean. i know you hear that magic touch. [Laughter]. no bobby look let's get back to it no no. here's the thing. it's okay here's the thing i think we're.

going down that really weird no we're. not we're going into the real world. let's go differently. this is did you see mortal kombat no. we'll get to that here's the thing. so the one day we're playing like i'm. playing video games. you know you hit me up yo you know can i. what are you doing because you only hit. me up with like you you have somebody. somebody you need three to do your. rebirth island so you're like who can we. okay get let's see if eric. i'm i'm already playing with someone and. this this is how you always respond. does he have more credits than me is he. more powerful. than me in hollywood that's what you.

think. makes like i should have said that. that's this is how you are. you do this all the time i wish you said. that you go does he have more credit to. me okay okay. what do i say i go bobby it doesn't. matter this is my friend i'm sorry can i. just say it okay. could that been could that been a a joke. you know it wasn't because you say that. all the time i know i do it as a joke a. runner. is it yeah it's called the callback. runner. but the point is yeah i'm blushing now. that you know that is something. i've said and i are you blushing with me.

because it feels. it feels like i'm blushing it's like. when i poked i talked to him i poked the. director in the stomach. what yeah so i was um in hungary no no. i was years ago i auditioned for this. movie and i did a good one and the and. the director was. um chubby right i know i [ __ ] up. and and you know how like after the. audition tell me you didn't make like no. no. i did some marshmallow i did something i. did something work okay so you know. right after you know you when you're. done with the audition you just leave.

right yeah but so every once in a while. something magical happens. where they go stay and when they say. stay they. to they ask more questions about you and. you know at that point. they want to know how you're like or. what you're like. so that you know when you're on set they. can feel you don't mean comfortable with. you. so you go tell me about yourself and i'm. in my head i'm like i got this. uh-oh right how'd you [ __ ] it up and i. was really close to him. like we were like really close and we're. like. laughing about something right and.

during we both had this. laugh right. and i went fatty and i poked him in the. tummy. right i go fat like this and he goes. thank you. and as i turned around and i left right. sweat fear and just regret. just like what is wrong with you well. that's just being too familiar you know. what it is that's the comic.

that's yes the comedian like we don't. know how to turn that off in regular. society. that's what i'm saying i know it's like. like one time i was at the iron man. premiere. okay holy [ __ ] this guy with jamie foxx. in the iron time premiere. yeah i don't know why you didn't go i. never get invited to anything you know. at the time ahmed invited me to this. at the time you know so we're at the. iron man premiere we i want to talk. about that guy but. all right we're at this party okay and. it was fancy-ass party because i didn't. know robert downey jr i didn't even know. none of this at the time that he was the. star so everybody was there all right it.

was like this big thing this is a long. time ago yeah a long time ago. it's crowded man yeah yeah okay i. turn and pee diddy literally. bobby he's this close to me like this. and i turned it his face was like this. yeah in my mind i wanted to. [Laughter]. you know just to be like just to be like. oh i kissed p diddy yeah. i wanted to be the kiss bandit yeah just. a real quick yeah. so and i had that impulse but i said. don't do that what are you doing. but it's that kind of comedian thing.

you're just in a moment you just want to. do something like and you think. right you're you yeah and then you get. that response when people go what the. [ __ ] is wrong with you. yeah sometimes your gut yeah you have to. go against yourself yes. right and you can't no you don't know. which one is right right so you go. so i should when before i did that i. should have said ah maybe. i think it's an 80 20. right 80. to go bad right if it was like 90 10 90. positive. right i might have done it but that was. like a 90 10 the other other way but but. i know in your head you think.

if he likes this this is going to be. he's going to write three movies. yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah it's gonna. be a series you're gonna be his clint. howard to ron howard. right you know what i mean yeah just uh. but it just didn't it didn't work it did. yeah it did. it didn't go well i know exactly what. you're saying you have these moments and. you just go oh i don't know why i. [ __ ] did that. yeah oh i have i have another one for. you to talk about. all right so this is just what happened. in new york all right. you know so right first of all ray. romano calls me. when i'm in the hotel i know i'm going.

to hear from him because he's the. freaking director right. how did you audition for it i auditioned. for it i just auditioned. on tape and then like like two months. later i get the part you know what i. mean oh great. you know because i just read for. something like two days ago and already. today i woke up going i didn't get it. no no no it takes a while only because. two they don't know what how they're. gonna shoot with all these stupid. restrictions so he calls me i'm geeking. out i don't know why but i just am. legend it's [ __ ] a legend legend and. his voice is so distinct right. he invites me out he goes yo we're gonna.

go to gonna get some pizza in the city. and we're gonna go to the cellar in new. york in new york i know i knew that yeah. okay all right. so while we're eating he says this he. goes. you know i said yeah i auditioned i. didn't think i was going to get it he. goes even before the audition you were. the first choice. i wanted you all right and i'm like wow. i get into my dressing room now later on. on set and the clothes come. the clothes have a tag on it and it says. my dj. my name in the movie is dj joey bones it. says gj joey bones actor.

muhammad amir. i was like oh [ __ ] and i i should have. just let it go. but you know the same thing happened to. me i walk up to him i had underwear. don't know i. i got cooked to break i say hey uh yeah. um. you know first choice. but i was doing it as a joke but at the. same time i was like. at the same time i'm like don't [ __ ]. tell me i was the first choice if i. wasn't. it doesn't matter i'm never the first.

choice i get it i know i have to like. so i was like yeah so you know the. clothes muhammad amir huh when did he. i said when did he drop out you know he. goes he goes. he's like no man he was a new york hire. yeah we it's a. but low budget movie we're trying to. save money so we didn't you know he low. budget. and he couldn't do at the last minute. but you were the first you know yeah and. i know he was mad at like whoever put. that. right right with the even the game show. that i did. it was it was jimmy yang oh right. and he couldn't do it wow right and they.

told me i was first choice i hate that. and then he and then there was a and. then i i didn't tell. the producers but you know me yeah yeah. i told everyone else oh bro. i know why too i'm right there i told. everyone else we're kindred spirits and. then one day and then one day. i show up into my dressing room and the. producers are there we just want to let. you know. we want to let you know you don't know. how these deals work buddy. that's what you said you don't know how. these deals work and what we do is we. throw out three names. right they're all equal value all right.

and we and we put them on. on the table and we we right and you. happen to be in the. in the pile of the a ones that we wanted. right we had this name this name in this. name right. it was mix and match mix and match. that's how it works buddy right. when the whole time i knew that i would. call my agent go. am i doing this he's like yeah they're. still negotiating with jimmy. it's fine i did it he didn't do it yeah. yeah and it's fine. but there is bobby yeah i know we're on.

the same page with this come on. there's still a part of you that's like. you want to be. the first choice we're never going to be. listen we're never going to be. no no we're third can i take for this. pilot can i tell you what i went through. for this pilot i know and you know. because you could call me and i would be. like i was gonna say turn it down. dude because after you do two bro just. listen. after you do two if you're right if you. don't know after two if you don't know. i'm not doing it again. all right okay cool so i get you know i.

do the first of all can we talk about. mortal kombat or we can all right. this is how we'll launch our movie i'm. so hot right now go ahead it is warm in. here. um i you know i do this audition. it's zoom it's in front of the producers. so i go in. i i have my room set up i'm ready to go. i'm waiting 20 minutes. past the time i'm calling my manager. like yo is it i got to write you know. they they pop on the screen hi eric hi. rick hi hurry how are you you know. i'm like oh okay whoa you know then they.

they all go away they have the one girl. who i'm reading with i read it one time. then they go thank you that was great i. was like well that's that. you know when it's like one time read. yeah you get healthy gone. then i find out oh you're gonna test. great test once. they call me they they want you to can. you do it again but can you shave off. all your. wait wait so you're testing you're at. your house. which is much better though than being. on on a lot in. some uncomfortable office you know what. when i look back on it. i actually feel like this quarantine.

streaming online gaming and doing the. podcast by myself. trained me for like oh i i can just be. my you know the best version of myself. just like this with no one. you know it's better so i think that i. think it's better yeah and i had the. lights. it was fine yeah but i did it once and. they were like no can you shave off your. all your face uh-huh and we want you to. read with nicole richie. you want to read with her wait wait. she's my wife on the show. nicole richie yeah she's she's acting. yeah apparently she's good by the way.

good. i love surprise i knew nuclear richie. before. did you know that yeah she's she's a. sweetheart she's. i knew her when she was in high school. dude you know i love that girl i told. her. i was like who nicole riches wow. i i know this kid she doesn't know. she hasn't seen anything i know it's. just i already know it's like did the. age gap now. now i get it you know look at her you. know and here's what the can i tell you. what the problem is. let me tell you what the program the. problem is you know who lionel richie is.

american idol host that's happy how you. would only know him from. hello sounds familiar is it me. no that. adele is hello it's me. it's a different song yeah maybe i sing. it. yeah yeah you know him yeah he has a. daughter named nicole richie but they're. not blood related you know that right. even though they look alike. i know it's weird it is weird maybe.

there's something we don't know. sweet girl and she's dope she's just a. regular ass mom too yeah. you know anyway the problem is i know. what it is. with my gray beard even though she's. like she just she tells herself she's. about to be 40. yeah. but she looks 21. yeah yeah so could we. be married i think that was what the. thing was. they made me shave off don't even start. stop it don't be mean. sitcoms are full of hot women ugly.

husbands. that's how it works i don't buy it. i honestly can i just be cause i want to. be you know i'm going internal. i honestly don't buy it if i i don't i. can't. see you with it like if i'm watching a. show. i think you're great but if i want you. to show don't throw that in. yeah yeah and there's a scene where you. know i mean there's a. attractive or or even like mid-range. girl right lady. in bed right and she's like saying some. set up to a joke. you're right by the way you're back this.

is your back so whatever work you've. done in your life. and then they do a pan to you right i'm. gonna be like. intruder or something right that doesn't. do you feel good about yourself right. now did that feel good it felt good. you know what [ __ ] internal i'm gonna go. outward i'm gonna i'm gonna be myself. [ __ ] it. right let me say something to you right. you're a very funny guy. but you and nicole richie there's no way. yeah well it was it happened. yeah and it worked it worked it worked. great didn't get picked up i don't know. yet. okay we'll see we'll see you know it's. so funny because you've had so many cool.

jobs that i've like been so jealous of. especially. when you worked with captain picard oh. yeah blunt talk it was great. i mean it's like it it makes me angry. why because i love that guy so much now. is it about that or is it about some. sort of flight anyway did you see mortal. kombat. did you see it see mortal. it's okay to have like a a what do you. want to say envious jealousy and that. kind of thing it's fine bobby you've had. it.

you have a great career you're on mad tv. for like 19 years. okay you had a long lustrous career. at mtv you've done a lot of great movies. right come on name some of them help me. dictator dictator what else another one. splitting together that's a show that. was a show. did you see mortal kombat i did give me. what did you like do you like it. the only thing i liked about it was that. it was rated r. because if it was pg-13 and there was no.

blood it would have been. because there would be the what what are. we doing yeah what are we doing you know. i i. i it just they're it's like when. scorpion throws the thing right yeah. and he goes get over here when he says. that yeah. he throws it right don't you think it's. cooler if he doesn't say it. yeah even in the game it's just better. to just to pull him over. yeah you know what i mean but then over. here it's like and then you you have to. thin your head. right i have no choice.

right i'm going over right because. you're being pulled over there. i thought that the beginning of the. movie the first 15 minutes yeah was the. best part of the movie oh my god. when you saw the first 15 minutes i was. like this is going to be good not only. good. the greatest thing ever made yeah i feel. like this is great this is real. yeah right it you know it it puts these. characters in a you know a real. believable setting. and by the way nothing's better than. those like.

asian movies those where it's like. that you know the noble asian guy and. you know he's got his family and he. cares about his family and it's always. shot in some like village jungle thing. like that and it's like a jungle thing. yeah yeah there's always like some like. you know. jungle yeah it's like a jungles of korea. or whatever. jungle in korea [ __ ] whatever they do. those movies are always the best yeah. those those. are like when did it go bad right after. that. like right after you know when it went. to modern times well it was i was like.

what you know you're watching and you're. going you see the beginning you're like. okay this is gonna be good and then. you're just you go back to modern times. and then you're like. okay just give it a chance i'm just. giving you your thought processes right. give it a chance. okay so he's this guy he's a mma fighter. yeah yeah yeah okay. that i don't believe any of it because. you know i mean. that's not how these fights go yeah yeah. what is he some underground. fighter right you know and you just show. up in a gym you're just sitting there in. like. where lockers are and like you're. fighting today buddy and by the way by.

the way. if i had a birthmark that was a. full-on dragon dragon tattoo right. i'm not gonna just be like oh yeah you. know i've had this my whole life. no [ __ ] this is something you know what. i'm saying yeah yeah. you don't just get a dragon on your body. like right and then and then you meet. someone else. like well i would take a photo on the. internet first of all right. anybody okay anybody have this dragon. tattoo. on the chest oh my god.

the best wireless earbuds for real it. really is it's my favorite. you know i don't know how i would live. without it because every night when i go. to sleep. i put my raycons on and i listen to um. you know. ambient music oh you like ambience oh i. love ambient music i like brian eno i. like um. other things like that but a crew. hangman in the background whether it's. following along the directions in the. kitchen bringing an audio book. while learning to knit which bobby just. started doing i love it or powering. through a new workout pumped up playlist. in your ear with a pair of recons can. make activity. very easy and much better recon makes.

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and i've been using it i'm trying to get. more medi like i'm trying to get more. centered and not in my head you know i. mean and to tap into that silence. i like that right and that um. right and this this app helps you i like. it so i use it to fall asleep that's my. big thing i have the wind down sessions. that i've used multiple times and uh i. got to tell you it's pretty incredible. for someone that has anxiety at night. and can't get to bed. this uh definitely does help me out and. it's backed by. 25 published studies on it benefits over.

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to headspace's full library of. meditations. for every situation sebastiaal offered. right now head to headspace.com slash. bad friends today. also can i just say this too it's like. we grew up with the video games right. can the lead be. somebody from the games right. pick one yeah it could have been anybody. it could have been uh there's 20. characters. liu kang yeah yeah glue king the guy. right but they didn't let's you know i. mean let's throw in a cur you know what.

it is the writers going. let's throw in a curveball and when they. go. when they throw in a curveball they [ __ ]. it up yeah. put liu kang in it and i always like to. they have to find like they find the. asian guy. that you see me and you clearly think. could he he might have some. some white in him it's always that asian. guy too. what do you mean it's never like like. asian asian you know what i mean. you know what you're speaking my. language you know what i'm saying it's. never like really like. like does that guy own a store in south.

central asian. it's never that asian right you know. what i mean. yeah it's always like a guy that's like. he's like it's the most. handsome asian you could possibly find. it's the steve burn asia. yes they put in the steve bernat right. and even he's a little more asian than. yeah. than they really want right he can do. comedy but that. steve burn asian isn't going to be an. action star no what is it it's war baby. asian. yeah you know i mean it's the kind of. asian where you know i mean american. right or american right american.

soldiers went into a you know i mean. colonized the place raped some girls and. they had a baby. and all of a sudden boom yeah the lead. of [ __ ] mortal kombat. or or or does not always have to be. horrible or it's like. you take bruce lee i took it to tafara. he took it too far. that was dark yeah it could just be. bruce lee who doesn't want to date asian. women anymore. and he finds a white girl what could i. say is this though i like that i've. always liked that about him. [Laughter]. you know i really did because at that. time right. before like when i was five i realized.

just in your mind you look in the mirror. you go you're never gonna [ __ ] a white. girl. that's never gonna happen right that. that's not even you know i mean you. looked at your mom. and went ah that's pretty much my option. yeah you're like. a four foot nine you know four foot nine. yoda you know what i mean. you know what i mean and then you always. looked at your dad i went that's what. i'm gonna look like. yeah five four you know what i mean and. just a [ __ ] [ __ ] which i did turn.

into. like i don't like big titties because. yeah my mom had big titties she had. little titties. what yeah well your mom had a little tip. my my my my my my my my my my my my my. my my my my my my my my my my my my my. my my my my my my my my my my my my. mommy like little titties so now. you like literally i find myself like. always like a little titty it's so. [ __ ] weird. my mom has little titties yeah my mom is. a little titties yeah i love little. titties. exactly yeah my mom has no ass and that. let me see it. i've never seen my mom's ass right but. just in a. i would think your mom has ass no in a. scientific way of if i. analyze my mom's body it's just bone. it's like. she has a bone there like somebody here.

like somebody hit her with a book bag. numerous times right still her ass just. yeah it's really weird yeah so we are i. know what you're saying. when bruce lee though when i saw bruce. lee date this white girl yeah. it's possible you know i was just like. you know i was in the garage. trying to like yeah yeah yeah i took. classes i took take one no classes. who got more girls coming up you were. steve steve what. you know that yeah i would no don't i. mean don't say it like that well. yeah he definitely did steve's way cuter.

than you steve was always cuter. and steve always had like he was like. homecoming prince. what yeah yeah like he also he was also. like [ __ ] don't [ __ ] up yeah he was also. popular. wow right and if you look at my brother. you know in the. yearbooks he's always with the cool. group right. and i have a i know you look at my. instagram from a long time ago one of my. first earliest. posts you know there was one photo that. i posted of me doing improv. right in high school on stage i was.

doing like a scene. you know i mean that's pretty much. embodies what i was like i think. yeah also doing drugs and masturbating. the library. you were doing drugs in high school is. that when it started. yeah i used to i've said this before on. the podcast that i used to you know. do math and then i would um wow you were. doing math before meth was even yeah it. was a thing. yeah yeah you did that means you had. that dangerous. that's not coming no but i'm saying like. that they didn't even have it perfected. back then yeah i was going to.

experiment it was not even sudafed you. had that i just smoked it too. [ __ ] put in tin foil and take a yeah. a a glass you know thing and. light it oh so good moral combat. would you give it one through a a. through f it was like a d. a d maybe c minus i think it's c give it. a solid c yeah cause. cause kung fu fixes a lot of [ __ ] that's. what i'm saying like you take. kung fu was great if you put zombies or.

kung fu. in any movie it's going to be a much. better movie. okay of course more enjoyable you put. some zombies in the notebook. right if you put zombies and they'll be. amazing oh amazing because like that. [ __ ]. the zombies are trying to get in it's. just a whole different movie. you know you have to decide this [ __ ]. don't know what's going on should i. leave her. oh that's right yeah yeah you know what. i'm saying so i just feel like. if the zombie has dementia will they.

even. anyway it doesn't even matter my point. is so the kung fu. always adds and and because and by the. way because it was rated r. with kung fu that made it not be an f. right pg-13 and if they had little. titties in it you would have been gave. it probably a b. no c plus c plus how about king kong. versus godzilla. loved it loved every second of that. movie one of the worst movies i've ever. seen no i just. you know i just i the worst movies i've. ever seen listen i loved it. yeah not i'm not saying it was a great.

movie i just loved that it was like oh. they're finally trying to make. entertaining movies. i'm not entertaining at all oh i thought. it was very interesting it's annoying. it's annoying. that king kong wakes up right. and he picks up a tree and does a back. scratchy thing bobby if you want to. break down the movie that way. i 100 agree with you because my thing is. like this what the [ __ ] is this little. girl doing. with a 65-foot monkey yeah what does she. play like why is she just roaming around. a monkey place by herself. yeah i don't care what they think this. it's a monkey and then.

yeah and all and as soon as like i don't. know. i don't remember if this was in it but i. think it was when the little girl like. he she's. whatever like she sticks up a finger. yeah and then his monkey finger they. touch. yeah right imagine ant. right yeah dude imagine an ant even if i. tried to do that. even if i tried to do that with the ant. right i might crush it. look dude this thing right here right. right if i'm just if i'm just. like if yeah yeah like like it's like. this right if i just come to it a little.

bit. you know it's going to mo like you know. what i mean. you know what i'm saying okay right this. okay this is the girl. yeah right this is the girl right her. finger right i'm king kong. right. oh dead yeah that i did too too hard how. did you know how much control that he's. he's gonna need so the monkey all of a. sudden yeah. you know the monkey all of a sudden is. [ __ ] yoda you know like yeah there's. no way he meditates he would have died. they would have died i just i i also. think godzilla and king you know how.

sometimes they make it. so it's they make it like they're. they're aware of what the good guys are. yeah you make a helicopter will fly by. and like no it's one of ours you know. what i mean. i don't think he would he would just be. smashing everything [ __ ]. yeah that's like like so people just. going on with society. yeah and a big ass dragon is just living. in the ocean and you just come on and. land. like why rebuild like like i wouldn't. rebuild now especially if this is a. continuation of these others oh yeah the. titans live on this planet they just. live. yeah and they just come in you know yeah.

they just come in like i i. yeah so but i well listen listen the. reason why i enjoyed it is because. if you saw this year's oscar movies. miserable like every movie is. miserable every movie is about something. terrible happening to somebody terrible. or so you know you just go why why is. this entertainment now why are we. praising this. let's get back to just we're trying to. just entertain and escape from society. it seems like every movie that's made.

now the ones that. the industry wants to praise has to be. all right let's find. you know let's find but those those. movies those. let me say those movies are movies that. most people don't watch. ever ever they never watch they never. watch them ever. you couldn't name me the last 10 best. picture movies right and it's like it's. it's it and they also know the industry. knows this is the reason why they make a. king kong. and these types of movies is they know. that's where all the money is.

yeah and that's why they get all the. great stars big like. big name stars. what else did you see i know what we. were going to talk about is uh. the snyder cut of. justice league justice league do you. think. i thought it was so much better. masterpiece. then that was a masterpiece i think. there were pieces of masterpiece but put. together in a four-hour movie. i wish they would have just made it he. should have just said can i put this on.

hbo max for 10 episodes that would have. been good i would have enjoyed it that. would have been. good they could have cut it up as a show. but i think they they could have lost. the seventh chapter. completely the dream sequence with the. joker it's like. oh i loved that what oh man i want to. see that. oh you want to see someone's dream no no. i want to see that but that's not a. dream that's supposed to be a. um prophecy of the few what happens in. the future. superman actually goes crazy you know. that's what that is that's in the.

comments. oh that's really that yeah it's in the. comics superman like he loses lois lane. and he [ __ ] can't take it and he's. like i'm [ __ ]. a god here which can i ask you a. question. let's say okay we live on earth all. right that's true we're here on earth. you're a slubby you know 49 year old i'm. what i. am okay and a human piece of. human [ __ ] what really yeah you look. like melting [ __ ] okay. if i took are you look if i took whales. if i took gathered whale [ __ ] and put on. a beach. you look like a sick piece of [ __ ] like.

you're the kind of [ __ ] like after you. eat beets. you know that you're that [ __ ] when it. comes out when you look in the toilet. and go. oh my god i'm dying that's the kind of. [ __ ] like little titties you when you're. naked and you look at yourself in the. mirror you probably don't like your body. then because you have big titties no i. don't yeah look at those titties no you. can you can say that. i can see your tits through your shirt. no you can't i can no i'm i'm. so go ahead i'm doing a lot better um. we live here we find out that there's. some other planet. that when we go we have godlike powers.

i fantasize about this why the [ __ ]. would we stay here. like i don't understand why the. kryptonians who have all this. knowledge if they knew because they had. to know. it wasn't them they they had to i'll. tell you why they should be like hey we. need to go. where there's a yellow sun because look. what it does to us we can fly. we got x-ray vision we got super. strength like because you're saying that. the. the kryptonians are so smart that they. they're. they think above that right they're.

thinking they're thinking. about all of them zod wasn't like that. he was. are those the ones that went to prison. trying to yeah trying to come they were. in prison that's why. yeah but what i'm saying is not all the. kryptonians were smart also. why do you put them in the pr like. didn't they put like in the first star. war in superman 2. remember they used to put they put them. in like that crystal or whatever that. was that was what was it called the. something zone the phantom zone. yeah is there's no way to kill them why. don't i just put. krypto inject them with kryptonite no. the kryptonite see.

the kryptonite doesn't hurt them unless. they're in with the yellow sun. apparently i don't even know the. lore but anyway my point is. let's get back to justice league so yeah. the changes that they made to justice. league i thought were fantastic. one in the orig by the way do you think. you have to see the original to really. enjoy the snyder cut. because i think you do i think that you. have to see both things. if you don't see both i don't know if. the snyder cut you kind of kind of know. because this is true. because my brother never seen any of. them right my brother's never seen any.

of them. and i go you guys should watch it my. brother watched it and he goes that was. a masterpiece. that's too long to me i think you need. to see both no i don't think so. well like like for instance one of the. changes i really loved is in the. original. flash is a [ __ ] and an annoying. character yeah. in the snyder cut he was more heroic. they took all that [ __ ] out in the. in the original you didn't know who. cyborg was yeah yeah yeah. and in the new one you're like oh. there's a backstory he's a good guy. i like that whole thing where he was. like he gave that lady money from the. atm machine.

yeah right who was that lady just some. lady yeah yeah. that was really cool it showed his heart. that's what i'm saying i know. they just they they because they what he. was saying i think snyder was like look. man we lost. to you we lost uh when you when you make. love to a woman. here we go let me you don't know how to. do rabbit style. rabbit style yeah like power [ __ ] let's. start. close your ears so you're power [ __ ]. kalila no you go. you probably don't do that yeah i i have. mime times when i want to go quick.

i want to go quick that's gross don't. let the size fly. i'm a strong man right you're right i. could beat your ass. if i wanted to why is it when you're. like when when people get knocked out in. a movie. right and they wake up in a foreign area. unless they're either tied to a tree in. a forest. or they're in a dungeon what is the. first thing they say. when they wake up where am i no they go. hello oh as if like the captain.

the guy that captured them is gonna go. hello. [Laughter]. do you never do that they always go. hello anyone there. yeah right that's not the first the. first if i was capturing i woke up i'd. be like. like don't look like i'm on vacation in. italy right right. okay and all of a sudden i drink some. something and i wake up in a thing. i wake up i'm going like this you know. what i mean yeah i'm not. well i i can tell you what the first. thing the first thing that comes out of. my mind is this.

i'm being real let's be real about it. what the [ __ ] that's the first thing. what the [ __ ]. because you're kind of realizing what. you're you go oh [ __ ] man what the [ __ ]. i would probably see it five times i'm. just being real right here yeah. hello i could probably say hello hello.

i put myself there and then i i realized. that hello you know what. let me see let me go back let me go back. i wake up what the [ __ ]. yeah i mean hello hello would be the. thing because. you're in a situation where you don't. know where anyone is this is what's. happening. you're trying to figure out is is there. anyone is there anyone there. is anyone there maybe would i say is. anyone there. i'm here maybe yeah i have to be like.

that how scary. scared would you be why be scared if it. was him yeah. yeah yeah what's that yeah he or like. one of the human. you ever see the human centipede no. yeah what that's that kind of [ __ ] scary. movies like that. but would you like if you're surgically. tied. to a hot chick even though you're tired. of their anus. would that make it sometimes no it would. make it worse it would make it worse. let's say but let's say you're. you wake up and you're surgically tied.

to like who's a hot hot. woman yeah but but listen i don't care. how hot they are. a dirty butt is a dirty butt right like. are they washing. like yeah but i'd rather be like with. like you know. um who's a hot like scarlett johansson. right then for some reason tay diggs. why that's a very odd choice why. that you that you picked tay diggs or. out of your head. or delroy lindo.

is that better yeah roy lindo you mean. i would rather have a hot chick no. anytime i see like a period piece. movie yeah where it's like oldie times. or something. sherlock holmes times i can't. escape the fact that everybody's ass. is dirty like i always think that. like if it's like seven like if it's. like pre-1900s type stuff. they had no bidets they know there's no. bidets right you know they're on a. pirate.

ship and i'm or whatever it is and i'm. just thinking to myself everybody. stinks on this like right. so in this human centipede situation. it's not like the guy was like making. sure everybody shower. like there was no scene where the guy. was like it wasn't like silence of the. lambs like poor the lotion. or like it's you think like it's a. summer it's 17th century. france yeah right it's hot it's hot you. need a woman. right and she's like oh lala would you. like to like let's go eat you know. at this restaurant yeah right you go to. the restaurant right you eat right it's.

hot right hot as [ __ ] right and she got. on eighteen layers of [ __ ] on do some. dancings yeah right and you did you did. you do the you know uh-huh you know i. mean whatever the acapulco or whatever i. don't know that's a real dance right. and then right and then you're like and. she's like let's go back to my place. right you go back to the place right. i can imagine once you pull the pants. down right and she spreads her legs open. there's always like yes you know because. there's just. there's like a so it's like you know. what what's that the fireball from. street fighter you know what i mean it. looks like this like you know what i. mean like yeah that's what it looks like.

it's just right it looks good you just. go right wow. you would think that you would go whoa. and then you would have to like you know. like and then she goes like this what do. you smell you smell sweat. blood maybe yeah yeah yeah no. yeah yeah yeah yeah oh yeah poo a little. poo. gotta be a little [ __ ] yeah there's. maybe that's why people spit like when. did you start when did.

we start when did oral sex become a. thing like because it always it ca not. back then. what do you mean it was always a thing. then. especially when she went can you right. and you would have to as a guy and i. think what it is. you would get used to it like our car. right now the car that. smells like [ __ ] like i think one of the. dogs may be [ __ ] in it right and you.

know a couple days ago we were like it's. cut you smell that's terrible. and now you know you can't really smell. it's still there i think that's what it. is. you go down and you you just get used to. the [ __ ] and the thing and then. and then once you you start looking and. you know probably there's a. acidic quality to the vagina maybe. so you no matter what time of day. you go down well in modern times now. collide will. take a shower and we'll do it right but. we're talking about 17 cents no no.

this is what i'm saying even in modern. times you don't just. even with oh yeah even like even right. now like right right now we're sweaty. it's hot in here yeah yeah yeah yeah. and if kalyla came in everyone kicked. out she's like let me bowl you right now. i'd pick. i gotta go to the bathroom can i yeah i. would freshen up like. what i'm saying is like what was going. on in the seven in 1732. maybe there there's some sort of like. you know i just didn't have perfume back. then. i can't not think about that when i'm. watching these kind of.

things right and then some love scene is. about to happen and i just go. don't do that yeah like what are you. what's happening right now and also the. toilet what kind of twist what is it. there's the toilet situation yeah how. about this they always they had bed pans. like that so it's just like you have to. [ __ ] so you're in bed they never. they never show that but in the crown. you don't have to [ __ ]. you have to go like this you got to get. excuse me like you're in the same room. yeah. just a second i got to pull out a bucket. and i'm going to [ __ ] in the room with.

you. yeah do you know how it's difficult. enough to [ __ ] and wipe yourself. on a modern toilet or like you know in. asia. you know uh my grandparents they lived. on a mountain. oh god okay and they that my. grandparents lived in a. a what do you call it a rice house like. everything was made out of wood and rice. paper. it's like one of those old-school. looking with the with the with. the roof right so like if the wolf came. he would just blow that house down.

yeah yeah and it was one of those like. you know everything was like. dark wood flat everything was wooden. you slept on these mats right i remember. and the bathroom was because my. great great great great grandfather. lived there too because he's been there. for. hundreds and hundreds of years right and. my mom grew up there right. the bathroom was this hole in the ground. right and there's no sewage and you'd go. in there and you had to balance yourself. yeah right and take a [ __ ] but then in.

my thoughts i was like. my great great great grandfather's [ __ ]. is somewhere deep down in there. yeah what's going on there like where. does that is there's like some like. it's just something absolutely what if. like down the mountain there's like. someone else's living and they're just. like this. this there's an opening over here that. just smells like. oh you think so yeah yeah how come we. didn't fill up like how many people how. deep was it. yeah look where my where my mom grew up.

my mom grew up in belize. you know what's that in central america. belize you know it's like. anyway they had like gutters. in the street like this gutters with. just like. sewage running down the street this. nasty you know it would come out of the. houses they had. outhouses it just was like you think. back like how far we've come. even in just yeah 50 years but you know. i think what you're saying what you're. basically saying is.

would we eat [ __ ] in the 17th century. and i think we would and that because i. think that we wouldn't know any. different. you know what i mean and i think that in. modern times we wouldn't well. because when did women start shaving. their [ __ ] anyway like that wouldn't. even be like that wasn't. that on either is that what you like no. i'm not saying i'm not i'm not saying. like. i don't like it i i have no preference. no. honestly honestly so if like you meet a. girl yeah. i've already i've already been there. i've i've met a girl and then she opened. it and she had no hair down there. i'm fine you wouldn't would you would.

you would that even be an. aware awareness thing where you would. think wow there's no hair there. or you would just look past it i would. look past it in a way i don't look past. you just kind of go okay. this is where you went with it oh this. is nice you know that's not what i would. think. what would you think oh i can't say it. because i have to cut it out. i'd have to cut it out you just when. it's really hairy though. i like some grooming but you know hair.

what hair really does though. how it really grows i don't think any. chicks are doing that now unless they're. just like they've given up. you know because it's like it goes like. up here all the way down to the inner. thighs. yeah like it's just a like a throw rug. i feel uncomfortable talking about. vaginas and pubic hair but i have to say. something okay. it's i i once met a girl um. who you know i'm going to say that. my penis isn't a fresh product let's.

just say that. and it isn't the prettiest thing to see. all right so. i'm just going to preface that you know. first the second thing i want to say is. one time i met a girl. and she had one of those um vaginas that. came out. oh. yeah yeah i know what you do you know. what i'm saying where it was just kind. of. swollen cauliflower you know whatever. yeah yeah right yeah i mean. or like you know drizzy mike's roast. beef.

right not the freshest right but she had. a lot of hair. right so it looked like you know fungi. growing in a forest yeah you know i mean. it was just like you could see the. shrubbery. and you just saw this thing pop up that. looked like like a little mushroom. yeah right and then like i didn't know. where. it began or where it ended right i. didn't know what to do right. it was like a mystery yeah i mean but. you obviously i'm a man i still like it. right you know it's like you're having.

you know something that you haven't. eaten before right. so i went in yeah it's like going to. like a like a fancy restaurant. right right right you know and the chef. comes out you know yeah. oh delicious i think i i don't like. talking about women like that because. you know we live in a different. world now we're not we're not talking. are you thinking what is this. inappropriate. i don't i don't think so what do you. mean you don't think so you're not. really. like insulting yeah yeah we're just. something it's different varieties it's.

just something. it also happened so you know but but you. know there are people who are like oh i. don't ever want to see hair. i have buddies like that. you know what it is you know you know. what the guys that say that yeah they're. way more attractive than us. okay attractive guys can say [ __ ] like. i don't like when chicks have like fake. boobs or they go i don't like. attractive guys can say that because. they got options my [ __ ] is not like. rich guys people eating. yeah exactly it's like you know let's.

say you and i eat at 7-eleven. yeah because that's all we can afford. yeah and it's like you haven't had it. it's really good right exactly. but i go to you know what i mean this is. this that's the same kind of thing hot. guys always have these like. they're always like oh yeah i don't i. had a guy tell me he said. if i date a blonde the next one. she can't be a blonde she got to be. something else i was like. my [ __ ] is like is she breathing.

end up me too you know what i mean yeah. me too cause i'm always breathing i'm. always in shock. any kind of attention you know oh it's. it's this is what. i think that's why you and i i i can't. relate to andrew in that way. because yeah he's he's one of those guys. that like. and i've seen that i've seen other male. comics like this i was. i i think i could say this um i was. walking down the street. with one time crystalia okay. and we were gonna go see avengers right. yeah i think avengers 2. and we're and.

we're going to the. we're in new york we're we're like i. don't know what street where we're on. and we're late so we're just chris was. mad he's like come on dude. i woke up late you know what i mean. let's go we're missing it right. and as we're walking this beautiful. supermodel i'm not kidding you. came out of nowhere she just came out of. nowhere where and she approaches chris. she's walking this way. and we're walking this way and look she. looked like she had been crying.

right so as she stops us and she goes. looks at chris she. it was almost as if christilia was. holding. a teddy bear that's what i was that's. what she looked at me. like it was some present for some child. like i wasn't even human but you were. like make a wish. right and your dream was to hang out. with him right right that's what it was. she was like she she might as well just. tap me in the head hello little. you know me little thing right she looks. at him and goes.

i don't know you my boyfriend just. dumped me. i've never done this before do you want. to make out. right now and dalia looks at me and goes. have fun at the movie. and they just walk away right and now. i'm in the theater. number theater popcorn with popcorn. popcorn right. [Laughter]. you know just because that's that'll. never. happen for me yeah man i know exactly. what you're saying it's just.

just it's a different world it's a. different world that good looking guys. even like being on the road like just. after we're telling okay. dalia stories because that's not but. i have this this is the god honest truth. i haven't been to one city. where i've done comedy yeah where if i'm. taught what been the. past and i'm talking to a girl just all. of a sudden. without her saying do you know crystalia. i know in a way of like you know. can you and i'm like okay i'll see you.

yeah yes. yeah get on my face i'm done with you. yeah you know so it's like. like i i had one crystalline moment. that i i thought and you're still with. her no no no no no where i thought where. i thought where i thought. this has never happened it's never. happened before or after. i was at the tampa bay improv this is. before i met kalylah. yeah he has to preface it that way i met. kalyala right. and um there was this girl at the bar. and she was brunette right.

and i walked by the bar and she goes hey. to me. oh hi that's whenever a hot chick. whatever hot chick says hey i always say. like that hi or a question. and then she goes up just basically you. went yeah. like because you know maybe it was. toward somebody that was back because. that happened before me. too oh where some says says that i say. hi and they're really saying hi to the. guy. so hi and she goes hey i'm you know i.

grew up watching mad tv or whatever it. might be. and when that happens it's like maybe. there's a shot right. yeah and then there was a i went to the. green room and there was. a girl that was there that was wants to. be a comedian. and she was a preacher's daughter. right because that's what she said i'm a. preacher's daughter right. but she was cute right and so. after the show that brunette from the. bar. goes what are you doing afterwards i'm. like i'm gonna go to eat preacher's. daughter goes. i want to go too right so they both and.

i was able to finagle this. a miracle right i got them separated i. go. come over the hotel room right right so. one of them came over. right and then she left and then. they the preacher's daughter came and. that's never happened you know that's. kind of. like those are like steve burns stories. right or like when good looking guys. right that happened one time where i. hooked up with two girls in one night. and i i think i prayed i think when the.

preacher left. right i got on my hands and knees. by the bed i did old school and you know. how the hotel has a bible yeah i brought. that out. the gideon's bible i brought that up i. put my hand on like this like i was. testifying. right like a dear lord thank you so much. i'm so grateful i started crying. i'm so grateful thank you so much and. then is isn't it at that moment. you realize stand up is the best why you. even got into the business that's why. yeah dude that's exactly why i have had. i've i've i've had i know.

i know look at you i've had one of those. what do you mean look at me kidding man. you just love saying did you make you. feel better it's a joke man i love you. man that's. it it's a joke whatever yeah you had. these uh of course. before rachel you have to look at rachel. uh look just just. when i see you and rachel in the same. photograph. i just go what the [ __ ] man what a. miracle. she hit me you know how to you know how. this red bull was filled. oh stupid that was bad it's okay.

andres can clean it up. this is why he's gonna we're gonna wake. up and he's going i know he's going to. be tired. hello but it's going to be like a. podcast too. like now we're going to talk about what. i want. yeah yeah so um. i'll be uh and i i've never really said. this out loud again i'm the city's all. about revelations. okay i used to have this dream right or.

this fantasy. where i had this brunette right. girl dressed in white with no face it. was a dream i had. and i don't know why but she was always. in the because my my cousin andy and. paul lived in a mansion. right growing up and she was. it was like a dream where this girl was. i mean uh in the driveway. wearing a white dress with no face but. with tall brunette. very brown and she's kind of swaying. back and forth.

and i always went is that my future. girlfriend or and i think that's kalila. it works we might we meet people. and it just works you go through all the. things you have to go through. to make it happen and once it happens. you're in this situation and boom are. you woody allen fan. um sometimes did you see the documentary. no i didn't see the documentary i didn't. want to you know why.

i'm off hbo documentaries man why. because a lot of them it's like i don't. know if they i think they're just doing. them for shock value. and that did you call in at the store. they called me yeah you going up this. weekend i i tell i told him i was. available. um you know you're scared to do it but. did you put you did put you on the list. i have no idea because the lineups are. out. so they [ __ ] yeah i don't know the new. the new people [ __ ] you. i don't know i'm gonna call the store. right now it's emily yeah i'm gonna know. i'm gonna call the store right now to. see if um.

you're on the list okay if she doesn't. pick up for me right now. this is emily emily bobby lee hi bobby. how are you hi um i'm sitting here with. eric griffin yeah. not he called in and he didn't get a. spot what's going on. oh no sorry i will i'm going to win the. lineup right now. i will get back to you guys a lot a lot. of moving parts. so is eric gonna get a spot yeah let me. let me just double check the lineup.

sorry i'm not walking my dog. i'll go okay it looks like no then yeah. it looks like you're here yeah well. you're on the podcast right now so. you're on bad friends so we. yeah so um so that was a screw up on. your end wait. my surprise guest yeah you're surprised. who's the surprise guest. who's surprise guest alicia cooper argus. hamilton let's see ron funches okay. ricky wait wait argus gets a spot and. eric griffin who's like just booked a. pilot. jeff ross neil brennan tim dillon danny. letterman.

yeah i like him he's very funny sam all. right anyway i'll rework it because you. got to put eric give him a spot okay. okay okay bye bye i don't see you either. though i didn't call in. oh why not i'm not gonna call until may. why is that after i get back from europe. oh do you have a game for us we do it's. called imaginary gift yes. a couple's game where one partner gives. the other an imaginary the couple talks. about the gift without naming it or. giving obvious do. clues the goal is for the partner who. receives the gift to figure out. what is a kind of guessing game but the.

real purpose is for the couple to. experience so i don't know what it is. when i'm giving it to him. and we're not a couple so we're not gay. all right let's do it i'll try i don't. know how it works but let's just give it. a go. but let me give you a gift the person. who gives the gift knows what it is. okay let me think let me think of what. it is this is gonna be why is he giving. me the i can't trust him. right why why i should be giving you the. gift. no you should be giving me this i'm. gonna you never get no way you know what. okay i know what it is.

i know what it is okay is this like. charades no well. does it pretend i'm coming over to your. house i'm going to knock on the door why. would you knock on the door. just when's the last time you knocked up. someone's like hello. let's just start with the improv or now. yeah i'm i've already started uh that's. how you would answer the door yeah. all right who is it. hey nude it's me bob bobby. bobby lee yeah man. hurry up man i got a present for you.

open the [ __ ] tour. i'm not dressed give me a second oh [ __ ]. okay i'm dressed okay welcome hey buddy. hey man how are you. hey dude um happy belated birthday oh. thank you uh-huh. um i can't believe i was it was i. remember no. i know i know and i can't believe i. remembered how to get to your. your [ __ ] house but uh yeah here it. is here it is. is that what happens in the improv yes. does he open it or no. no he has to guess what is it but you.

know before you open it i can't believe. you're gonna have to guess what it is. no by what you talk about it i'm. supposed to figure out what it is. is that what it is yes okay do i ask. questions like oh it's. yeah you have to ask questions so it's. so big is it why. why is it so big because for a big fella. [Laughter]. is it a jacket no is that what how. they're going that doesn't make it. how does this come and explain this this. way.

come back in here this. yeah but you said that i already know. what it is well you're giving him. something but that's gonna change. because he's gonna say hey. why is this red maybe you thought it was. a banana and now it's red so you would. about. oh is that what it is knock knock knock. come in it's open all right hey what's. up dude um happy. belated christmas.

is this the energy you're bringing me a. gift like all right all right. start over all right blade of christmas. you you did it like. you did it like kalyla made you go over. there like all right the scene before. this was like. really should be nicer to eric all right. ding dong. hey hey can i come in. take her should i come in take your. shoes off first all right i take my. shoes off. um i just want to let you know bud.

that um i'm grateful for you. and um i've been thinking about you a. lot lately and i really enjoy your. company and i enjoy you as a human being. and boy you know i felt a lot of guilt. for not getting you a christmas gift i. know it's august. i know it's august and um. this guilt has been really building. building you know and i've been yeah i. couldn't i haven't been able to sleep. well. so i got you a gift i like this is great.

yeah and this is wow there's so much. money i can't believe you. you you this much money into it. how can you tell i put money into it you. haven't opened it up yet. i could tell by the wrapping paper yeah. the wrapping i got at you know ah. i got it at jcpenney just doesn't look. jcpenney aren't they closed. yeah i know but there's one outlet open. in oxnard oh so you went to the jcpenney.

outlet. outlet right and it's so funny it's like. it's like a weed store. the the wrapping section because it's. like you could there's different tiers. right this is a cheap one right but i. got you the high class one. so it looks like it's dolce gabbana but. it's really jcpenney. anyway you know here you go. all right yeah i'm gonna open it up. merry christmas oh wow yeah.

how did you know my size because um. from the internet the internet yeah yeah. yeah. it's a funny thing there you know the. internet has different sites with. you know celebrities celebrity sizes. celebrity sizes. and um you know i knew that um. this would be this is the size of your. head. oh oh yeah that was in my oh wow yeah oh. and it looks like it it would fit too so. you did a good. guess thank you thank you yeah yeah it's.

elastic. so oh yeah so you know what i mean it's. an elastic situation so if it's elastic. why did you worry about. so you didn't even it didn't even matter. the size because because it's like one. size fits all. no it isn't even if you put like an. elastic thing on something. too large it might snap and it could. hurt somebody okay so. right so i had to go on the internet to. look at your size so this yeah so the. elastic part fits on my head. yeah you like the color yeah. i like that it's uh black and orange.

yeah. because that's from your favorite team. the pittsburgh steelers. and different steelers and um. also put it on oh okay yeah. wow it fits perfectly on my head yeah. yeah. and um and don't you like the um. embroidery on it yeah read it yeah um. read the embroidery the embroidery oh. wow this is very touching of you it says. i'm sorry for being such a [ __ ].

[ __ ]. for our whole friendship yeah you know. how because. every word every letter right cost five. dollars oh wow. so imagine you know and there's a. there's a flap that comes out. you paid five dollars for this whole. poem yes i did so it's like no five. dollars a. letter i would like to see the poem in. your words i want to see. them.

yeah glorious knight sweet dreamer. yeah i enjoy you so immensely the. skylights. give me create an atmosphere within each. other to create. energy and connections that make us a. forever people. and you and i are on a rainbow carpet. ride. a rainbow carpet ride into why is your. po this is your poetry sway yeah. into the atmospheres of our own. destinies. love bubbaloo that's.

very nice of you yeah yeah anyway i. gotta go. that's it yeah yeah that's it now can we. do that now. can you give me a gift i want a gift now. we don't even know what it was. well guess it's elastic it's a. pittsburgh steelers hat it's a. pittsburgh steelers. with uh embroidery and a poem that flips. out the back that's exactly what it is. all right yeah what do you what do you. think of that gift. not good okay now you. yeah all right so i'm coming over to.

your place. all right so i have to like. there's like a it's like one of these. at the door right yeah. so i'm sitting yeah and now i'm in a. room. i'm in a room going. oh somebody's at the door someone's at. the door. let me let me let me uh. take off my um kimono hang it.

right put on my regular street clothes i. don't want people to know that i wear. that in the house. and i oh eric hey what's up. bobby come on in wow what's up what's. what a surprise. yeah it is a surprise um what do you. have there uh this is a gift i have for. you. wow you drove all the way over here from. century city to get me a gift. yes wow so um it's very large. well they only had this one box. oh right right so so it could anything.

could be in it. exactly all right let me lift the box. the bottom is big maybe. a very light box yeah so okay good so. it's a joke box it's a joke but it's. meaningful what's inside all right may i. yes please all right so i'm opening this. gigantic box okay. and oh jules can you go get me some. scissors because there's like. this okay thank you okay take this tape. off. oh i don't really see it.

oh it's a little box. yeah i pulled out a little box and. there's like a little oh it says. on the thing gucci so that's interesting. on the thing. i'm going to open it up well the gucci. box. you know you can buy them at this place. you know. at jc penney's they have all right they. have different kinds of boxes. but they sell them oh it's all right. yeah whatever is. the product that's inside the box might.

necessarily. right not reflect the box itself it's. called it's called expensive wrapping. you can get it at jcpenney why it's the. same one yeah i remember a year ago i. came over. right and i got into that steelers all. right he had that steelers hat and you. made me think you know this is where you. go to do fancy rapping right so i. influenced you in that one yes you did. so. i went there and i was like can you give. me thank you can i get the gucci box. right they said the big one i said no. give me the little gucci box. right but okay so let me open it up.

oh my god it's a it's is it a. commemorative coin yeah right and. let me see and on it is who is that. that's you that's me yeah. heads is you right let me flip it over. and on the other side tails is you oh. yeah. yeah wow yeah so we have you've made. this coin. i'm on one side right and you're on the. other one. and um it's so funny because on this.

coin like on mine. my face is in the middle of the coin. uh-huh but when i flip it over. your whole face is the coin really. well if i'm looking at the car right now. i'm in the you see my. you can literally see the outline of my. head in the middle of the coin. right and if you flip it you have no. outline the actual coin. is your head right so that's interesting. that seems like that took a lot of work. yeah yeah yeah. yeah yeah yeah that's interesting but.

you notice how the grooves. on the other side of your face they. the grooves of your face yeah they. really had to do some like special. detail. to get the intricacy like yeah the lip. that's underneath your eyes yeah yeah. they really have the epicanthic fold yes. yeah and that must have cost. extra money it did cost extra money. right because that's really interesting. right yeah on your side though no.

go ahead right on your side they just. did this. like a shine right oh they didn't yeah. yeah. they did like yeah i i would call that a. rustic [ __ ] shine. yeah yeah right that's interesting yeah. when you turn on the other side. though on your side as you can notice. that there's a sort of. mustard sheen it's like. how did they do that how did they do. that well they right. they had they had little kids pee on it.

yeah. wait let me let me just right let me. just flip it right. oh you know it always lands on your side. because. the weight is on that side of the coin. no no yeah. what it is let's flip it again it's. always on you right it's. weighted yeah no because the imbalance. of your head. from nose to chin is six percent of your. face. right and then from those two i see. the top is the other ninety four percent.

so it's. weighted that day that when you flip it. it's going to end up being away. very expensive it was very expensive. yeah to do to get the intricate details. yeah you can actually. you can actually buy things with that oh. wow anyway thank you so much. i bought it with a bitcoin anyway thank. you for being here and thank you. for being a bad friend. [Music]. whoa somebody told somebody hit me up. and say yeah why does kalila want to. [ __ ] bobby in the ass with a.

[Laughter]. what yeah yeah somebody said like yeah. my buddy hit me up who listens to it he. was like. yeah klyla went into detail about how. she wants to put on a strap on and. she did yeah she's she's proposed it. before. i go i don't know it's not gonna feel. good and i go um. just stick a finger in there or. something but she has like these long. e.t fingers. and she did it once didn't like it. it was like having like um you have to. try it joey diaz sticking his finger. there like a thick cuban yeah yeah.

my [ __ ] is um it seems like it's deep. my oh my [ __ ] is very deep but tight. yeah are you flirting right now. [Music].