Ancient Korean Wise Tales w/ Howie Mandel | Ep 267 | Bad Friends

You two are bad friends. Who are these. two idiots? A white dude and an Asian. dude. You two are disgusting. You two or something. We're bad friends. Ho h down in the. bou. We got legs that are tired. Lights. that flicker in the night. Oh, hum. My old black legs are skimming. through the sand with my weepy eyes and.

my sour soul. And I'm coming around. What's up? That was improvised. Oh. Oh yeah. You know the hoof. As you. trek through the woods with your bow. Yeah, dude. Oh, [Music]. where your porridge is cold but your. anus is. numb. Oh,

where the donuts are old fairy and. they're filled. with ho. My Mexican friend is dumb, but he's got. no Julio a glacia. I don't know. Damn, dude. I couldn't do it. So close. I'm so. tired. No, you got it. But anyway, um, thanks for the donut. Have you had one. of these? I have. No, you haven't, dude.

Let me see. No, you haven't. Get Why? I. didn't eat it today. Get a pistachio, dude. Man. Yeah. Pro. I'm going to prove. a point here. You know what the fans. love when we eat on the show? Just take. a bite. Um, I will take one little bite. of a stash. Do you guys want some of. this? Oh my god. Is it soft? Yeah. Well, let the flavor sink in. Let. the flavor sink in. You know what my. biggest problem is? Do you think Paul. Hollywood just goes eat and then says. it? He does this. No. Sometimes he does. this.

Let me tell you something. I don't like. that it's got like cream cream in it. Oh. Oh. Oh. Yeah. I don't like cream. You got cream inside you. And people eat. that. man. You are tired. Okay. There's cream in everything, dude. In titty milk, dude. A lady last night, a 68-y old lady pulled out her titty in.

my show. That's your crowd? Yeah. And I go, um, I thought the joke I. said was, "What comes out of there. caught his shoes?" And it got. nothing. And then my second lesson in. Houston, I hear a th a thump. Like a big. thump. And I looked to my right and. there's a 600 lb man. I'm not kidding. you. Laying on the floor, face first on. the floor like this going,

"Oh, home. This comedy sucks. I'm taking. a nap.". So, wait a minute. There's a big fat. dude on the floor. What? Right. Oh. Oh, you are coming. Well, thanks for showing up. Yeah. So, this guy's laying on his right. He's I. think he's dead. So, there's two. choices, right? Piss on him. No. No. Pretend it's not happening. Right. Yeah. Just keep going. Right. Because it's it. was off to my right. So, I see staff,

the managers. Yeah. Trying to revive. them. And I'm go, "Yeah, that's what the. cho said." You know, whatever. Right. And then, um I just look to the right. I. go, "What's going on?" And they go, "We. don't know, man. It's packed. Sold out." And it's. now people are just rumbling. Oh, there's rumblings. Yeah. Now people are. rumbling, right? And I'm going off to. the side looking to see you going to be. okay, man. He's 600 lb. Right. It takes. him like 20 minutes to get the [ __ ] out. of there. Right.

Right. Right. And then um they got a. forklift in the Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And then um you hear him breathing. outside. You know how hard it is to. restart the room? Oh yeah, bro. Dude, I. had a guy had had like had a stroke in. Nashville in the balcony at Zies. No. I. was like, am I going to do this show. now? Well, in the middle of your act. Yeah. And you stopped. Well, there was. like a big commotion and then I was.

like, what's going on? And then they. were like, it's medical emergency. And I. was like, I know. My thought was dead. Somebody died. Yeah. You know, cuz that. happened that's happened at almost every. show I've done. So then this morning I. get a direct message from some guy. I. want to let you know guy dude that guy. died last night. No. Yeah. Carlos. Carlos. What the Carlos? That's not. funny. Carlos, man. Carlos, that's not funny, dude. That's. funny. Carlos, stop it, dude. I can't. believe. I can't believe it. Stop that.

Ho ho, dude. Dude, home died. Ho home. died, dude. That's insane, dude. Carlos, you're sick. You're evil, Carlos. Right. So I get So I get it. Then I. start calling the management. Don't that's not funny. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Stop it. You want to I mean you. should you you should have seen my. reaction. I read I was like OMG. What? OMG. What's OMG mean? Oh my god. Oh my. god. I was Oh my god. And then I And.

then it took me a while to get a And. then the manager goes, "No, he went and. got a pizza." Okay. No, there was a. pizza place. I guess the medics came. He. stood up and went straight to the pizza. place. No, I'm not kidding. Could smell the. cheese? Yeah. So, I'm like, "Oh, so he. just went to the pizza." He go, "Yeah, yeah, the pizza place that you went to. earlier." Oh, it's good pizza, right? Thanks for [ __ ] on my shelf. I hate. what you know when like when I was in. Phoenix, the sirens went off in the You. know what I mean? I don't know what you. mean. Fire alarm. Yeah, fire alarm. I.

mean, the sirens went off. Well, the. stand up gay nightclub next door. Yeah. So, yeah. Get ready for the ho. Oh. Oh. Um. DJ ho. ho. Yeah, that wasn't going on. Look. who's here. Yep. Look at how brown she. is. Damn, dude. Get out of the sun. You. know, she was just in Hawaii for two. weeks. Mhm. Yeah. It shows. Yeah. Yeah. It shows. It shows. That's not how you. That phrase doesn't go there.

It's supposed to be a It's supposed to. be facitious. The It shows. So if. somebody goes, "Yeah, I went to 5 years. of college." You go, "Yeah, it shows.". That's what that is. Ah, she goes to. Hawaii for for how long? Two weeks. Yeah. You don't go, "It shows." You go, "Oh, that's nice." So try it again. How. long did you go to Hawaii for? Two. weeks. That's nice. Dude, just do it shows. I think it shows. is good. That's not It's not good. That's true. That's nice. So, hey,

Carlos, bring up that this you be I I. saw a Filipino girl online. It reminded. me of you. No, I'm serious. Okay. Not. her. That's not it. I have it. But but I. want Bobby. Right. Just on this image. real quick. How do you like your coffee? It says Yeah. Which one of those two. tones are your coffee? Cuz your mind. might change when you see the whole cup. Oh, can I I love this game. Yeah. I I. love the tone coffee game. So, what kind. of coffee do you like it with a lot of. cream or or not that much cream? Me? I.

thought you were asking her. Anybody can. answer. or um well I just um I like a. lot of cream. You you like the the far. right a lot of cream. Yeah. Let's see. what the full cup looks like. Want to do. mocha? Yeah. Jules, do you know her? Thank god I didn't do cream. Oh my god. Thank god I didn't do cream on the No, on the left. The right? No, on the left. The right. Look at the teeth. Zoom in a. little bit. Zoom in. Pinch on that. Can. you pinching on it? I got to tell you. something. The tattoos.

The tattoos aren't distracting enough. No. I thought this was fake, right? I. thought it was like a fake. No, I've. seen her face before. You know her? No, in my Tik Toks I have my algorithm shows. her sometimes. Really? Yeah. I love her. Yeah. Yeah. I love her. The one on the. left's sexy though. Hot. Yeah. But then. the one on the right. Um the one on the. left. Can I ask you a question? In in. what? What kind? They don't have. dentists. We should do a test. No. Let. me ask you dentist in the Philippines.

Don't you think that we make a cat? Google Filipino. There's dentists in the. Philippines. I don't think so. No. What. the [ __ ] is that? I don't know. What is. that? I don't. And if you had two teeth, come on. How much wood would a wood. chuck chuck. dentist in the Philippines in Sibu? Let's see. Wow. How many? There's three. places on three in the whole [ __ ]. 70,000 islands. Three places. By the. way, new dental clinic cuz the old one. didn't make it. Yeah. What's the first.

one? Sibu Dental Care. Give me reviews. of Sabu Dental Care. Reviews 4.9. Pretty good. That's good. Let's read it though. Yeah. I had an excellent experience at Sabu. No, no, no. Do the accent. Oh, sorry. Yeah. Yeah. Do the accent. I had excellent experience at Sabu. Dental Center. That's Indian. But I like. Sabis outstanding. Yeah. Price is. reasonable. Yeah. That paint. By the. way, this is written by these are all. Americans. This isn't real. Yeah. I love.

the one stars, two stars. I would not. return there. We had only We had only. dental checks and cleaning and. polishing. Painful and useless and. expensive. Dude, 300 years ago when you. had a toothache, what the [ __ ] would you. do? Pull it out. Really? They used to. pull them out even like if it's coming. on. Oh, dude. That's when you know to. pull it out, right? So, if you got a. little pain, you would start pulling it. out. Yank it. What's Why would you keep. it? Cuz it's only going to get infected. They're not going to do anything with. it. Wow. You know, it is crazy to think. about people from like over a hundred. years ago who still who had good teeth.

Yeah. Like back in the day, they used to. use like some whale extract from like a. the whale blubber to make cologne or. perfume from Right. Right. You know what. I mean? Just different ways of makeup. was what back in the day? Flower. flowers. Berries. Berries and flowers. Yeah. Berries. No blood. No. In Trans. Transylvania there's blood. I'm kidding. I don't know. How was my rude? See, that's why I set it up. It's good. Yeah. I'm I'm a a beat slow today. What.

did you What What did What did uh Why. did you say berries? Did you Did you. ever use berries as a kid for makeup? No, but um on your lips, did No, but. there's a tradition where like if you. get your first period, you have to put. your period blood all over your face. I'm really glad you're back. I don't. know if it's just in the Philippines, but that's what you just definitely just. in the Philippines. I've never heard. that. Why women are using their period. blood for face masks. Oh, that does work.

then. No, she's saying when you get your. first first period. I don't know. I. don't do it every period. Well, there. there's a Here you go. Despite this, culturally, the use of menstrual blood. is something that has been done. traditionally superstitiously for years. In the Philippines, it said if you wash. your face with period blood, you'll be. blessed with acnefree skin during. puberty. Did that work? No. No. Yeah. Yeah. And then like you have to jump. like 10 times to like. What? That's a transition. Jump like 10. times. What? Just jump 10 times to I.

think shake shake it loose. No, just is. the cork up there. You need to cork a. wine bottle. That my grandma did that. But you jump up and down for what. reason? I think to have a longer life. I think that's it. Yeah. Dude, tell me. the song you guys sing when you do that. Yeah. Yeah. No song. There's no. songreat. That Wait, so this is So she painted her. face and you do it on your first one and.

then that's supposed to bless you for. life. Yeah. Koreans believe and this. used to work when you had a Charlie. horse, right? What's a Charlie horse? Come here. I'll [ __ ] it. I'll give you. one. It's when you It's when you have a. It's like a muscle cramp. Uh or or. there's like a buzzing, you know, say. Charlie horse. What do you call it? Charlie horse. You're right. Charlie. horse. Why would you laugh at that then? I just imagine Korean saying it. Well, how do you say it in Korean? Well, zoom.

in. How do you say it in Korean? So, if. you had a Charlie horse, right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's easier to say Charlie horse. Charlie. horse. Right. All right. But you do. this. My grandma would go lick I don't. know speak Korean but she goes lick your. finger tap your nose three times. That. would get rid of a Charlie horse. It. really did. No way. Yeah. When you have. a Charlie horse, anyone listening, right? Do that. It gets rid of it. completely. Wow. Yeah. Yeah. I'm excited. for my next Charlie horse. Yeah. I never.

heard. We didn't have any You must have. wise tales. Wives tales. Wives tales. Wives tales. Right. Wise wives tales. Yeah. What you mean? Do we have anything. like that? Yeah, it's like uh. um I'm trying to think of some white. ones. What are the white ones? Well, it's like, you know, if you know my dad. said, you know, if you watch TV too. close, you go grand grandpa going to. die. Stuff like that. You know what I. mean? I grandpa died already. Well, yeah. You know, they say if you.

masturbate too much, you get hairy. hands. Yeah, that's one that's a wife. That's a wife's tail. Yeah. Do Filipans. have wives tails like that? Like. something like a superstitious thing. that it's not true. Like if you wipe. blood on your face after your first. period. Yeah. You won't get acne. So, or. like if you watch if you've seen like a. naked body or like porn, then you will. have like a like a big like bump on your. eye. Oh, a sty. A stye. You get a stye. in your eye from porn. Yeah. Yeah.

You get a cataract. You get a cataract. Wow. Never heard that before. Okay. Look. at this one. Some of the Filipino. culture go up. some of the Filipino cult. the superstitions avoiding sweeping at. night. Don't sweep, right? What is that? Don't sweep. What do you What does. sweeping at night do? I think let her. guess that that's a fun. Sweeping at. night. What is that? Sweeping at night. Yeah. I think it's just to something. with ghosts or like Okay. Did she have. it right? It says sweeping at night. sweeps away good fortune and and. attracts bad luck. Don't look at the.

screen. What about cutting your nails at. night? Why can't you do that? Trim your. nails. It will not grow back. No, but. that's that makes more sense. Evil. spirits. Don't ever sleep with wet hair. in the Philippines. Oh, because you will. have white hair. What? Wow. Wow. That. was fast. What does it say? It says it. go blind. What? That's not true. That's. not true. Hold on. What the [ __ ] We. love it. Don't This is amazing. Okay. Maybe different islands have different. things. I don't know. You know. All. right. This says not going home right.

after awake. Like after you after you go. to a Oh, because the spirit will follow. you. Bingo. Itchy palms. Itchy palms. Itchy palms. You can do pag to get rid. of it. Oh, if you do a puckp cleansing. ritual. Didn't we do a pukp pog on this. show? Okay. We love Filipinos, by the. way. For the record, they're our. favorite people. How about not taking a. home, Nick? Not taking food home from. away. So, after a funeral, you don't. take food home, right? I take food home. Okay. Well, yeah. Okay. Itchy palms. What about itchy palms? Um, itchy palms. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. When.

your hands are itchy inside your hand, you'll die. Sure. This just says it's a. sign of good luck to have itchy tongue. Two more. Biting your tongue. Biting. If. you said like a Oh, if someone's talking. [ __ ] about you. Damn. That's true. Yeah. [ __ ] yeah, dude. What about the tabby. taboo? Oh, that's I told you about this. It's like when you're like going through. like a quiet area or like a big tree, you have to say tab tab po or else like.

the the mythical creatures. Wait, you've. never [ __ ] said this before. What are. you talking about? Like I said that. before during like a Halloween. I've. never heard you say tabby tabby to po. before. Give me give me an example. Give. me an example though. Give me an. example. I told you this before. You. It's Halloween. We're trick-or-treating. You know what I mean? I'm dressed up as. like a fat minion. Yeah. And you're at. what? Uh, soap. Okay. We're in the. forest. We're lost. Yeah. Where does. this tabby tabby p Okay. So, like when.

when you're when there's like a big tree. and but we're walking by a big tree. Okay. Quiet. And you're going redwood. Redwood. Yeah. You're going through it. You have to. say. But if we don't, what happens? Then. like something bad will happen. They. made a movie guys. Tabby Tabby Po Tabby. Pabby Tabby Tabby Po Go back to the. list. Go back to the list. There's one. more. Wait a minute. So you're go by the. way. Yeah. Also soap. You're so mythical. Yeah. You think.

you're soap? Soap. Okay. Jumping at. midnight. Well, yeah. What about jumping. in the middle of the at midnight? It's. just for um good luck. Grow taller in. the new year. Can you wear red. in the Philippines? Do people wear red? Yeah, it says it says it's going to. increase your chance of being struck by. lightning. Wow. Don't look. What is a. sukub? Sukup. Sukup. Sukup. Sukup. S U K O B. Sukup. No, that's not Maybe little tree.

Is there a little tree you walk by? Sukup. Yeah. Oh, yeah. What about you. know that? Twin bananas. Capida. Capignaging. Twin bananas. Yeah. If a. woman consumes a twin banana, she'll. have twins. I don't know. M that's. interesting. What about scattering coins. in a new house? When you move into a. house, you scatter change everywhere. No, but we bring rice and salt. Well, okay. Okay. So, whatever someone. stereotypes aren't real. You're like,

well, they they are. Yeah. It's very. funny. You bring salt and rice to what? Salt the floor and rice the floor, right? No, you just put the rice like. somewhere and then put salt around it. Yeah. Yeah. It's like for good fortune. and like the spirits bad spirits won't. come. Could I put carpacio on there too. and just eat it afterwards? No, you. can't eat it. The Italians are like, "When we buy a. new house, we put down the mortadella on. the floor." We do a little chant called. hung hungry hippos.

Wow, it's so strange. Avoid mirrors. opposite the front door. You can't have. a mirror directly across from the front. door. That's bad luck. Amazing. Covering. mirrors is bad luck in Filipino culture. It says. placing a chick on a coffin like a baby. chicken on a coffin. That's that. I. don't know. Oh, cool. Let's cut it out. You know what? Fancy Spain has a lot of. weird supers. I'm sure you guys have. just as many weirdo ones. You know. Spain's got some stupid ones. What. is the grapes at Midnight? Remember we.

did that one time. It's the dumbest [ __ ]. on earth. That is not superstitious. Yeah, it is supposed to wish you good. You're supposed to have then you have. good luck. That's a fun no hats on the. bed in Spain. Considered bad luck to put. a hat on your bed. Well, that was in the. movie Drugstore Cowboy. Drugstore June. No, drugstore. You ever see drugstore. cowboy? No. I've seen Ryan Les Van Sand. directed it with Matt Dylan and there. was a scene they they steal drugs. fromarmacies. Uhhuh. And um just like. Drugstore June.

Yeah. And Matt Dylan, one of the I think. Heather Graham sticks a [ __ ] um hat. on the bed and then Matt Dylan goes all. apeshit because now they're going to. have like six weeks of bad luck. Whoa. Yeah. And it it I went to Buck Wild last. night. You went to the strip club Buck. Wild? Yeah. Why'd you do that, bud? Because the um the club that I played um. they knew the um they knew the manager. and they did and a Samoan guy showed up. and he drove me an hour like 45 minutes.

outside of the city and I went to Buck. Wild and um I drove 45 minutes back. really quickly after that. How long were. you there? Five five hours. Shopify. Oh boy. What would we do. without Shopify, Andrew? I don't even. know. We wouldn't have an online. business. I can tell you that drowning. I'll tell you, nobody does selling. better than shopping. Nobody. There. isn't anybody out there that does it. They're home of the number one checkout. on the planet. If you're selling. something, right, like Skiims, Aloe, Allirds, you know, all these companies, they have great products. Sure. But how.

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surfing. That's why I'm like really. down. You really Yeah, you are really. Are you getting good? I don't know. This. is what Trump was talking about, man. They come here, they surf all day. M. they don't do anything anymore. They're. surfers. Are you scared? Right. You must. be scared. I don't know. Ice is coming. But then they're also saying like even. with visas, people are getting deported. Yeah. What island did you go to in. Hawaii? Oahu. Oh wahoo. Mhm. You guys. like that? Mhm. Well, they have a they.

they own a place out there. I know. Yeah. I know. Yeah. Yeah. It's fun. You. surfed all day and then you ate ate uh. pokey. Yeah. All day. It's all you do, right? Okay. I'm gonna go in a couple. months. I'm going to show Hawaii. Theater. I'm going to do a show there. You're doing a standup show? Yeah. Wow. Come out. It'll be fun. No, thank you. Why? I I I You know what's so funny? I. drive to your [ __ ] shows and do guest. spots. Yeah, cuz they're great. I know, but I don't think you would ever. go to a different city for me. Of course.

I would. That's silly. Yeah. Why not. Hawaii? Neil Brennan's going to go. Well, there you go. You got a white. No, no. I I want several whites. He's the. number one white. Neil Brennan. What is. that? Oh, that's it. Friday, June 6th. Yep. June 6th. Come. Uhoh. Who's here? What's that? I You know who he is. Crazy. Oh, there it is. Yeah, there. crazy face. There it is. There's crazy. boy. He's crazy. There comes Nutso. He's. nuts. Who is it? You'll know. You'll. know when you see. You know what? You. can tell. You can't tell from the. whistle. That's Yeah. Corporate comedy's.

coming. Corporate comedy is coming to. town. coming to town. AGT, you ever see America's Got Talent? You. ever seen America's Got Talent? Yeah. Do. you like that show? You like that show? It's okay. Yeah, I know. Me, too. See. that? You [ __ ] freak. Get in here. That's his bait whistle. Whoa. Whoa. You're safe. You're safe. You're safe.

here. Oh, sit down. Guys, how Mandela? Howie Mandel's here, everybody. Ladies and gentlemen, Howie. Mandel. Yay. We love Howie. Howie, you met Julie him. before, right? You met? She's the best. Are those Rick Owens? What are you. wearing there? What are you talking. about? Your shoes. Sketchers. I I These. are uh Snoop Dog's Sketchers. Oh, really? I have a Sketchers. I'm an. ambassador for Sketchers.

Why are you laughing at that? What's. just a weird thing to say? You know. what's great about Snoop Dogg? Yeah, I. think he's I think the best part about. Snoop is he's really reserved himself. He doesn't do too much, right? He Well, it says he's like Kevin Hart magic. words. He's like Kevin Hart in that one. He says no a lot. He really does. Like. Snoop like can you name any products. that Snoops attached to or that anything. he's doing? Let me think. Not or not. Sketchers. Sketchers. These are these. are actually these are these are called. Sketchers and they're slipins because. you don't even need the laces are. nothing. You slip in, you slip out.

We're doing ads for Sketchers now. I'm. doing it. I do Howie Mandel is here. One. of our favorite people, ladies and. gentlemen. And Howie's brought his. family. That's your son. Your whole. family. And I've met you before. No, I don't think so. Who else is there? Is it your daughter? No, I didn't bring. my daughter. Who did you bring? Alex, your wife. Alex, who did you bring? Your. girlfriend. She's friend. Are you seeing. her? No. H. You guys are just friends. Yeah. How old are you? 35. Oh, dude.

He's 35. Alex, are you married? No, I'm. not. No. Are you married? I live. vicariously through my son on Instagram. Oh, you do? Yeah. He's got a model. rescue service. I've talked about this. before. I mean, what do you have to do? It's really nice. What he what he does. is he takes in like wounded models and. nurses them back to health. Yeah. And. once he feels that they're able to talk. about commitment, he kind of just. Yeah. Yeah. sends them back. Andrew.

Andrew. How Mandel mastering must be. such an ordeal. Jesus. Okay. I got it. And I got the plastics. And then. Okay. Okay. Okay. Um, put the wall up. And I mean, what the [ __ ] dude? Yeah. I. use a glory hole on myself. Wow. I have. to reach around the wall. Wow. I don't. want to get any uh Do you still old man? Do you still masturbate? This is like a bad episode of of ufu. Yeah. Yeah. Old man, do you still have.

old man? But howie, do you do you still. or No, I I'm I'm doing That's why I got. my legs crossed right now. Oh, I see. I. see. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I do. Wow. This is I do. Son, I still masturbate. Are you glad you showed up with me? Yeah. Can you give him a play by play? Pardon me. Oh, she wants to know more. I. mean, do you watch things, Howie? Or do. you uh Yeah, I watch videos of people. washing their hands. Very good. Very good. Yeah. Yeah. That. was really good. Did it bother you that. I brought a whistle? Yeah. No, I like.

the whistle. I love the whistle. The. whistle is my new thing. I'm going to. make that my thing. You're the guy. because there's so many There's so many. people out there. Look at her face. How. concerned. Why Why are you cons What are. you concerned about? Well, cuz women. usually have practical uses for. whistles. Yeah. I just don't understand. It's hard for a man. A whistle. Well, what do you do? What's the point? You blow. Yeah. Yeah. Now, do you understand?

No. What do you mean? Why do you look. like you're in pain? I don't know. Yeah. Yeah. You're really enjoying me. That's her. No, that she's always like. that. That's her disposition. I live. with her. Really? I know you live with. her. I met her at your house. But but. the thing is that you have a very pained. look on your face. Like there's a. problem. That's my normal face. Well, it. isn't normal. I'm telling you, it's not. normal. Julia, is there like a a. Filipino Got Talent? Filipino? No, but we have a lot of. Filipinos on the show who have talent. I.

know they do. The The guy that can sing. with two voices. That's That guy's the. What? Wait, what's his first name? Marcelo. Marcelo. You know who he is? Oh, yeah. I love him. Hernandez from. SNL. No, he does. No, no, dude. He is. the most talented singer you've ever. heard in your life. He does deep voices. and then he has a like angelic voice on. top of it. That does two voices like he. does a duet with himself. Dude, he will. [ __ ] you up. This guy. Yeah. The. greatest singer on kills Freddy Mercury. kills anybody. Wow. What do you mean? Wow. I'm telling you right now, the. Philippines rule. That's a bold claim.

They'll play some. All right, there we. go. Just do the first one. You see how. Zanzer on the table? This is how he. jerks off to himself. Oh, wow. He sings. to himself like a pretty girl. It's the same guy. That's the same guy. These are your people. Why are you. laughing? It's good. That's the What? How? Oh, you you're not. impressed. I think Andrew can do it. You. could do it. Oh, yeah. Try it, Andrew. From where you're from, they have. leprechauns jumping up and down a.

[ __ ] rainbow. And you think that's. that that's that's not good. It's not. good. Are you kidding me? Can you do. better? Yeah. Oh, do it then. I want to. sing. There's no way. Give me the. lyrics, dude. Here we go. We're all. going to sing it. Give me the lyrics. Are you doing the female partner? Give. me the lyrics, dude. I got it. I'm tone. Here we go. There it is. Here we go. Zoom in real good. My All. right. What the [ __ ].

As old as. time, right? Yeah. True as it can. be. Barely even. friends, then somebody. bends unexpected. Go. ahead. Just a little change. But you. can't got to do the girl. Small. That is. the girl. Yeah. Yeah. What are you. doing? You're not even in tune. You're. not even in tune, dude. Your perception.

You're playing the Russian boxer. Yeah. I didn't realize women can't sound that. way. Oh, I know what you're Oh, dude. Yeah, you're right. You're right. See. you later, man. You're right. Way to go, guys. See what you did. Way to put. yourself in a corner. The worst singer. here is you. Can you sing? See one of. them. Sing one line. Sing. Yeah. Yeah. Here we go. Here we go. Just a little change. Not bad. Horrible. It's not bad. It's not bad. I'm a professional talent judge. That.

sucks. But can you sing? Yeah. Yeah. What gives you the right. whenever I'm watching that show? What. gives you the right to go, "Oh, that's. good singing. I don't." You're a comedian. I say, "I. like it. Maybe it's not everybody's. taste. I like it. I just heard her. I. don't like it. Oh, I see. I don't like. it. I'm telling you I don't like it. The. other judges, two people in the room, you guys like it. Yeah. You're And I'm. being honest with you and that this is. not television and it's not network. You.

sing like [ __ ] Oh my god. Oh my god. Daughter to me, dude. Don't cry, Jules. Don't cry. No, I know. You do. You sing like [ __ ] I'm being. honest with you. And I don't want you. because I care about you. I don't want. you to think you're good and then go out. into the world and be disappointed and I. feel like I'm doing a service. Mhm. How. many years you been on that show? 16. It's time to get off. I wanted to say that, but thank you. It's time to wrap it up. It's a long,

Alex, what do you think? How do you. feel? Does he need to wrap it up? Do you. want dad to get off the show and get. back home to taking care of you? Taking. care of him? Well, he's 35. He's. obviously stunted. He brought in a. beautiful woman that he's buddies with. Yeah, but he's moving out in the next. couple of weeks. We are so excited. You. still live at home? No. Where do you. live here? You live in LA. Santa Monica. Santa Monica. Beautiful. I want to live. on the west side. Ask me where I live. I. know where you live. Santa Monica. But. you you're a great father. You've been a. great father. I have been a great father. and I know a little bit about you've.

been friends for a while. And I think. you're a great time. I'm a wonderful. such a nice father. You're a great guy. No. Can we just keep this going? I'm a. wonderful You really are. And how. [ __ ] lucky are you guys and you to. have me on this episode? Huge. This is. Wait. Huge. No. What are you doing? I mean, the numbers will go down, but it's not. Okay. Huge. Not about numbers. Really. huge. Not about the numbers. It's about. the soul. Well, it's like, you know, guy, check this out. You know, there's. some artouse movies that no one watches, but.

this is, you know, I mean, this is an. art house episode. Yeah. Yeah. You know, like the new movie Companion, no one saw. it, but people love it. People love it. Like the critics. So, that's good. So, you know, that's we're going to lose. money on the YouTube. about make it's. not about making money. It's about doing. quality stuff and this is quality. This. feels like quality. This you've done a. bunch of these episodes of this one. How. do you feel about this one versus some. of the other episodes that you've been a. part of? Be completely honest. Well, when they said that someone from um AGT.

was coming, I thought it was Simon. Cowell. What are you saying? I just thought that. And then what. you're trying to say is you were ready. for Simon Cal and then when I showed up. you went [ __ ] this is like a surprise. They went they lowballed me and well it. goes Simon Heidi who's on not on it. anymore. Yeah but still Heidi still Mel. B. Mel B and then Sophia Vagara. Yeah. And then are you for I mean what do you.

where are you in the ring? All the. people that have come and gone and. you're still there I you know who I. replaced. You're the Keenan Thompson of. Let me let me guess. I know. Um Howard. Stern. No. Okay. I was there with Howard. Stern. I replaced David Hasselhoff. The. Hoff after the cheeseburger incident. Huh? That's why that's why the the the. nickname for our show is Jew watch. Regis Sam Donnelly. Now, I don't know. who that is. Yeah. No, those aren't. judges. That's our executive producer.

Oh, Regis was theo was the first host. He was He was the first host. Then he. was followed by um Jerry Springer became. the host. Who's Jason Raph? He was. executive producer and then Nick Cannon. became the host and then I like the big. black guy. That's he's my favorite. Harry Cruz. Yeah, I like him. He's my. favorite. He likes to be called what you. just called him. Is he not a big black. guy? He is. Okay, good. But he likes his. name. And if somebody if I was on that. little fat don't know him from White. Chicks. No, I've never met him.

He was in White Chicks. Yeah. Yeah. So, who's on still now? You. Me, Simon. Simon Cardi B. So that's Melby. He can't make me Melon Cardi. Cardi. would be a good get. So you Simon Melbby. and Sophia Vagar. Sophia Vagara and and. No, that's it. Terry Cruz is the host. Terry's always been the right. No, he. hasn't. Before him was And then it was. Tyra Banks. Yes. How can you look at. Simon? Just be real and just look at. him. Lock eyes with him and go enough of.

them. What is that? What does that mean? Enough of the, you know, ins. That looks. It's amazing what you're able to do. You're like a Korean Jim car. Wow. If. they If people just tuned in now and. didn't know they were watching this, if. they're watching on YouTube, they would. That's like uncanny how cuz I sit with. them daily. There we go. Look at Did I. Look at that. But do that and then look. at that. Put it side by side. I know. I. got it. Sitting side. Yeah. Yeah. We.

know how older you are, dude. I'm old. Yeah, but you look good for my And no. And you've had none No face work. I have. no face work. Exactly. I've I had. Because we like natural beings. Yeah. Right. Look at, believe it or not, no. face work. I had testicular liposuction. You know, I had testicular lipos. suction. Yeah. You got You really got. them sucked. I try. I try. I want to. I'm old. I'm going to be 70 this year.

[Applause]. That's incredible. That's incredible. What's up for the 70th birthday? Can I. ask you also those pants? Are those USPS. pants? I swear to God, the woman that delivers. my mail had wears the exact same [ __ ]. pants. I'm not even kidding. Wearing. ladies male pants. Ladies male pants. M. A I L. I love what you did. There she. is. There's my girl that's from the. neighborhood. Oh my god. I am wearing. mail. A Alex, I want to say about your. dad, though. One of the greatest guys to. ever live. But he's also fashionable.

Yeah, he is very fashionable. Yeah, always. Why do you dress all Midwest? Why do I want you? Yeah. I dress. Midwest. I mean, he's just a standard. like, you know, solid color. Solid. color. He's very like, you know, um he dresses. Look at my son. And I. know he's off camera, but if you look at. him, he's dressed exactly like my wife. I see. Keep it in the family. That's. what he does. Howie. Yes. So if I've. never seen you buzz somebody like it's. not good. You there's an ex buzz. No, I.

do it a lot. Really? Yeah. Probably more. than anybody. Like if I went up there. watch the show. Like if I went up there. You really watched the show? If I went. up there and like no music and I was. just like. Buzz, you know who you just did? No, I. won't buzz because there's a find this. Retriever. Urian Retriever. It's Yur. That was embarrassing. Urian Retriever. dancing. Okay, maybe she does it. This. is what you just reminded me of. Did she.

make it? No, but it's so [ __ ] funny. Wait, this is what you just look like when she. was dancing. Go to Go to the dancing. Go. to the dancing. Tell me this is not. Bobby Lee. [Music]. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm. That's what I just did. That was dude. That's Yeah. Oh. Oh, Simon. Oh, really? I bust your face, Simon. I know. Good.

dancing. Yeah. Yeah. Look at that. Isn't. that you? That's incredible. So, why. don't you come on and do it? You can. make a. [Music]. And at that season, Julianne Huff was. there who is a dance expert and and put. her through. He wasn't the big black. guy. Like, I think this is why America's in debt. Yeah. This is why we're in the hole, man. Why? Because of Uranian. What? What. is Yurian? I didn't understand. Her name.

is Yuran Retriever. I Okay. Her name is. Yuran Retriever. I thought that was an. animal. I swear to God, I thought Golden. Retriever is an animal. Yeah. Uran is. her name. Oh. Oh, no. She looks very. different. There. Yeah, there she is. But she's not You're looking at shots of. her not dancing when she dances. I like. the dance. I think she's cute. Take it. away. You should have her on the show. Yeah, she lives here. Really? Yeah. Single, you think? Yes, I know she is.

Great. You keep up with everyone who's. ever contested on the show. I've heard. I keep up with everybody. He's You know. that he's got the cell phone number of. everyone that's ever tried. I don't have. a cell phone, but I DM everybody. Yeah, I do. Do you want to meet Urion? No, but. you know the one that you the one that. you gave a I think a golden ticket to. What's it? Grace Thunderbolt. Who? Grace. Grace Thunderbolt. Yeah. What's her. name? Grace Thunder. Thunderbolt. The. singer. Uh, I think you're thinking of. Grace Vanderwal. Yeah, that one. Yeah, Grace. Grace. Grace the boat. She's so. good. You want to talk to Yuran? Howie, what are you going to do for your 70th?

I was kidding. Howie, don't call her. I'm going to call her. Oh, Howie, you're. single. Howie, what? Here she is. Howie, how? Don't call her, dude. I'm going to. call her. Oh my god. Well, let him call. her. You never know what you'll get out. of that. I'll tell her to go on. She's. Oh, she's on FaceTime, maybe. Okay, I'll. see if it won't go on. I'm going to do. an accent, though, for sure. 1800vowers.com. Hey mom. Mom. Mom. Mom. Bobby. Mom. Yeah. And she, my mom, when. I sent her the flowers, she What these? And she loved every single one of them. The flower. She's the best. Your mom,

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That's square. s qu.com/go/badfriends. Run your business smarter with Square. Get started today. Oh yeah yeah yeah. Okay. Here we go. I don't No, do not do. that. Retriever. I'll do that like. a I'm a golden. retriever. Stop that. You stop that. Oh, watch. I'm just. practicing. Oh, let me Yeah. Let me.

leave a message. Let me. No. It's Howie. There's no way her real name is. Retriever. Pretty stuck. Pretty stuck on that. Really? Yeah. A million followers. though. Yeah. No. Killing it. She's a. dancer. I know. People love dance. Well, yes, she did. Well, not enough. You. didn't put her through. I didn't have. because other people didn't get it. I.

was a [ __ ] Simon. Oh, Simon. He. doesn't understand dance like I do. Who. do you Who do you Who do you love? Who. do you really love working with? Truly. truly truly. Who really good you work. with? There you go. You know, really. enjoy that person a lot. I I enjoy. Sophia Vagara. You should have on. Not. only that, she's funny and funny. I've. never noticed her looks. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Really? That's not how I view people. He. goes right to that beautiful thing. I. think smart, sweet. That pudgy Asian. girl says she was good. Okay, dude. Why.

are you making fun of somebody that. looks exactly like you? Yeah, that's why. I'm I can do it, right? No. With a. little If it is you, you can do it. If. they look like you and it's not you, you. can't. Kiwi fruit. What are you saying? I guess kiwi fruit. Kiwi fruit. Yeah. I've asked I've asked, but I am really. interested. What What is 70th birthday. going to be? That's a hu that's a big. deal. I'm going to throw it myself. I'm. going to do It's going to be a surprise. Are we invited to your party? I'm not. telling anybody. No, I'm going to plan.

it, but I'm not going to tell anyone. I'm going to park way down the street. and then I'm going to hide behind my. door. Yeah. And wait for nothing. I. don't want to celebrate at that. All. kidding aside, I'm not celebrating. Do a. party. I'm not. You're not going to. celebrate your 70th birthday. I don't. want to. I don't like birthdays anymore. Yeah. Why not? I'm [ __ ] 70. Yeah, but. 70 is a big deal. Here's the thing. You. know, she's never going to get there. Do. it for her. How old are you? 23. These. people go fast. They go fast. I was I.

was more than a decade older than you. when you were born. Yeah. You know, I'm. The thing about me, look at me. I'm You. look young. I'm going to die soon. No, you're not. I am. You're going to be. like that one guy. Um who's the one guy. that didn't die soon? He's 99. What's. his name? Huh? Dick Van Djk. Dick Dick. Van Djk. But even that, you're going to. be like that. 29 years. 29 years, which. is even older than So I've only got. another 29. No, I'm You got a long time. You got a long time. How many more.

appearances on this podcast do you think. I've got left in me in the rest of my. life? Yeah. Who? Honestly, ask ask um. ask AI how long how much longer Howie. has to live. Yeah. Ask when Howie man. how much longer will Howie Mandel live. and then three years from now you're. you're going to be still doing that show. and the androids are going to be are you. going to wait to air this like to the. day before this says and then that way. this is we usually hold this stuff out. If you die this is going to be a banger. Wouldn't that be great for you? Think.

about how great. Look at that. Zoom in. It is impossible to predict how long any. individual will live, including uh. public figures like Howie Mandel. Life. expectancy depends on many factors, including genetics, lifestyle choice, medical conditions, and even chance. However, Howie Mandel, like anyone else, will live as long as his health and. circumstances allow. No one can know for. sure how long. Probably the next four. years. [ __ ]. That's pretty. Yeah. See, but you're. going to you're going to go for a long. time. You're a healthy guy. Well, you. exercise and you exercise your brain. daily. That's mo That's just as.

important. That's what they say. If the. noodle is activated, is that what they. say? They say a healthy brain is a. healthier life for sure. Do you ever see. life in the blue zones? Do you ever. watch that? No. What What is that? Like. that's what the blue zones. I I know. what it is. It's the areas in the world. where people live the longest. And they. say that and they have a series. Yeah, they did a Netflix. Is Okinawa a blue. zone? It was. What happened? Godzilla. Godzilla. Oh [ __ ] Yeah, it's a green. zone. Focus on life in the Jew zones.

Life in the Jew zones. Yeah. Yeah. They. don't live long, but they complain about. everything. Yeah. But Howie, I want to. say something. Um, don't I think I do? No. I really No, I really don't. I. really do. I really do though. I think. so. May I? Go ahead. Say what do you. want to say? You know, I I act a certain. way when I'm around you, but really I'm. like you act a certain way. Yeah. I try. to be confident around you like I'm the. guy or whatever but it's like at the end. of the day I'm just I've always been a. fan of yours like when I we you and. Arseno do you know doing that tour.

together? Yeah. Yeah. And I just love. both of you guys. So it's like you've. got you've got the [ __ ] all over your. What is it? She just a lot of [ __ ]. You didn't brush your teeth for this. [ __ ] thing. I just want to say that. I'm just You didn't even brush your. teeth. How big a fan could you be if you. got you're just like you don't even you. would even take care of yourself. How. Mandelle comes you even floss. So, uh, how what time do you go to bed at night? Are you sending me to bed now? No, no, I'm not. No, I do want to know. Yeah. What time do you at night? I feel like. you don't get good sleep. I don't. Exactly. I don't. Yeah, because I I.

don't You think too much. I can't sleep. Yeah. You think too much. I don't know. what's going on. I know what it is. You've told me. I'm a mess. You're a. mess. And you told me what it is. Mental. health mess. You know what? Can I tell. you what it is? Yeah. Yeah. [ __ ] What it is? Is this It's you. you keep going. You you can't sit down. cuz when you sit down, you start. thinking and then you get all [ __ ] up. [ __ ] up. You keep going and you have. to constantly work work work. You need a. [ __ ] therapist. I know. And you.

didn't make me happy thinking I'm going. to live for a long time. This is too. It's too tiring. Yeah. Yeah. But you. need help. I do. Do you think or No, Alex, you think? I get help as I sit. here. I'm incredibly medicated. Okay. Yes. What are you on? I'm I'm tell my my. But I am on medic. You're on medication? Yeah. Oh, right. Right. Well, that's. healthy. That's good. If you're if you. feel good, do you feel at bay? You feel. balanced or you feel held back? I feel. numb. Okay. Is that good? No. Is that. good? No. You got to feel stuff. Hey,

Howie. Would you shut up? Howie? Yes. Back in the day at the comedy store days. cuz you know me him and I store still go. to the store a lot. Yeah, I go. sometimes. Do you see me there? I know. But are there guys that like you didn't. like that are still around? Oh, yeah. We. like this kind of talk. Who used to be. back in the day? Who used with? Nobody. was. Let me throw some names out. Okay. Dice. How was Dice? He was nice to me. He actually and he came on my podcast. and talked about how he took some of my.

material. He stole from you. He to he he he uh. roses are red, violets are blue. Um you are schizophren. I am. schizophrenic and so am I. Was mine. Wow. And then and then he did it. But he. says that I love him now. Have you been. watching him lately? Who else stole. that? Have you been watching him? Yeah. He's great. Yeah. No, but on the on the. on his Instagram where he goes up to. people and he says, "Take a picture with. me." Yeah. And they don't know who the.

[ __ ] that's he's hysterical. And now. he's got John Loveitz with him where he. he Do you know what the line you just. said? You know who else stole that? You. know where that's from? Roses are red, violets are blue. I'm a schizophrenic. and so am I. You wrote that. I wrote. that. Do you know what you know? You. know what movie that's in? Hey, no, that's in um that's in uh uh. You don't know either. That's the beauty. of it. No, I do know. This is crazy. My. brain just went blank. You know, a lot. of [ __ ] of mine got stolen when I was a. kid. No, no, it's Richard Drifus and. [ __ ] Bill Murray. It's It's What. about Bob? It's in What about Bob? The.

scene where he is in the mental. hospital. He says, "There it is. Rosarett V. I'm a schizophrenic and so. am I." Right there. I called it. I wrote. that in 197. But you know something I. remember that [ __ ] clip. Can you sue? No. You know, I tried to make suits. originally. One of my Look, they made a. [ __ ] meme out of it. Yeah. Yeah. Oh. my god. I remember that so vividly. They. stole that from you. No, I didn't. He. did. He heard me do it and then he did. it. No, that's to put it in a movie. He. came on. He Well, this I don't I didn't. know in the movie. Why did you do that. to Bill Burr? I Oh, I'm feel so bad. I.

feel bad. Told me to go myself. And. people want to beat me up for Why would. you go to the king and trap him? I want. me to be honest. What are you trying to. do, dude? I tried I tried to do. something nice. It's I thought I was. doing something nice. Um, don't you. think it's nice to bring family. together? Yeah, but if you're not honest. before it's kind of like the whistle. It's called a surprise. It's a surprise. It's That was a whistle. Yeah. Yeah, that was a whistle. So, um, what was.

that all about, guy? Billy Corgan came. on my show and told the story that he'd. never told before. I It wasn't even a. bit that I planned. Yeah. The plan was I. was I Billy Corgan was on going to do my. podcast and I said, you know, here's. this will be funny. I'm going to just. say that Bill Burr is doing the podcast. and will never cop to the fact that. you're Billy Corgan and I'll we'll talk. You'll answer questions as Bill Burr. He. goes, "Nah, I don't want to do that, but. you know my Bill Burr story." And I. said, "No, I don't know your Bill Burr. story." I said, "I never told it before.

Can I tell it on your show?" I said, "Go. ahead. Tell me your Bill Burr story.". So, he told me that his mother or. stepmother told him that there's a. famous comedian who has a really good. chance of being your brother. Yeah. You. heard the story. I'm not going to Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But maybe the audience. hasn't. Do you want me to tell it again? It's It's Billy Corgan's story. Billy. Corgan said that his father is that was. a a slanderer. Yeah. A musician who uh.

you know had fun. He did meet and. greets, right? you know, and he he liked. me. He didn't shake hands. He just put. his But didn't But I mean, it doesn't. make any sense because Bill Burr and. Billy Corgan both knew their dads, right? I don't know. Individually, did they know their dads? Like, did they know who they know who. they think their dad is? Yes. Oh, they. never physically saw their dad then? No, they physically Just because a guy lives. in your house with your mother doesn't. make him your dad. Very nice. Very good. I never thought Yeah. Yeah. Let's see.

somebody steal that. Yeah. Yeah. But is he is Bill mad? Is Bill still. mad? Not Corg and Burr. Yeah, Burr is. mad. Burr's never mad. I know. He's not. mad. I've never seen Burr mad. I don't. think I've ever seen Burr upset. He. internal He internalizes it. I think. he's mad. He talked about me on the. rich. Are you guys [ __ ] here right. now? Is this a comedy? That was irony. Oh yeah. Oh, sorry. Oh yeah. Oh my my my. bad, dude. I'm Dude, I'm off today. I'm. off. [ __ ] are you doing? Is he ironic or.

what? Ah. Oh, very good. He cut out. because he's really not that. Yeah, he's. Are you cut out the part where you told. us that we didn't react properly? That's. so good. You edit that out and then you. just get the No. No. Yeah. The audience. at home will get it. Yeah. We have to. let them get it. You know, sometimes you. can't. So then Bill Burr was on my show. just to promote his upcoming Hulu. special. Hulu special. And the fact that. he was going to be on Broadway Yeah. and. all that. Gay. All right. Go ahead. I.

have to say it whenever I hear the word. I'm sorry. That's instinct. I apologize. Hulu. Gay. Yeah. So then what? So. anyway, what I was uh So I said I called. up Billy. who does work in my space because he. said he was going to. Anyway, I called and I said, "Uh, Billy. Corgan works in your space." Yeah. What. is he doing there? A podcast.

He's got a [ __ ] podcast. Uhhuh. Jeez. Everyone's got It's called The. Magnificent Others. Is it? Is that. That's what it's called. Uhhuh. Is it. going well? I don't know. I don't look. at numbers. Okay. I'm not here for. numbers. I just No. Since his band was. smashing Pumpkins, the podcast should be. called Picking Up the Pieces. Yeah, that. was I feel like that would have been. more in line with the My favorite album. of all time, Gish. The Gish. You. remember Gish? Oh, yeah. The very first. one. Smashing Pumpkins. Smashing. Pumpkins. Phenomenal. Phenomenal. What. city is he from? One, two, three. Chicago. The best. Yeah. Can you ask him.

if I I want to do it? Okay. I'm sure. he'd love to have you. Yeah. Yeah. I. would love to do it. I'm sure he'd love. to. You want me to phone him now? I'd be. so nervous to meet him. Yeah. He doesn't. want to meet you. I'm a huge fan. Yeah. You know, it's like I phoned I can't. believe, you know. Anyway, the point is he was in. my building. How did How did they never. cast Billy Corgan in [ __ ] FX is what. we do in the shadow.

I know. It's like, dude, it's. incredible. No hair, no makeup. Yeah. No, but honestly, I'm not kidding when I. say this. You got to let us throw you a. 70th birthday party. Let us do it. I'll. do it. I'll do it. No, I'm dead serious. I think it's important. It would be. great to celebrate with bad friends. Can. we do it, Bob? Can we really I would. love to do it. All right. I don't want. to start fight with you, but I have to. say it. We get it. You know, John Mayer, let's move on. Oh, we went to the show this week. Yeah, we get it. But anyway, I know you went. to Vegas. I'm not allowed to wear this. shirt and the [ __ ] pants. Hey, look.

who I'm friends with. You know what's. funny about that? [ __ ] disgusting. I. know that. Not back me up. I So gross. I. asked you to be on the podcast this. week. And you you could have said, "No, I got I got things to do." But you were. very specific about telling me I'm going. to Vegas to see the dead. I'm. going I think I think I did. I go, "I'm. going to Vegas." You go back to the. dead. No, you didn't. No, you didn't see. John one time. Nope.

You saw him three times. And he lied. three. Yeah. Yeah. Three times. Had. lunch, meals. No. Yeah. Yeah. No. Nothing. Did you get him for free? Did. you get him for free? Oh, yeah. No, I. pay. No. No. Are you out of your [ __ ]. mind? How? I pay. This guy is It's the. Celtics in front row with Shaquille and. Humphre and all those guys. The. Shaquille Humphrey. Have you seen. Shaquille Humphre play ball? Amazing. Guy's got handles, dude. his big hand. You know you're a good seat if you're. sitting in Tracy Morgan's puke. Yeah. So.

my point is is that he went had a jolly. time. I had a great time. Yeah. You know. he's jealous. Who's the big famous most. famous person you know? I think. everybody I mean it's such a dumb. [ __ ] question. Such a loser [ __ ] dumb question. Take. your headphones off and walk outside. Go. smoke. Where you going? He's going to go. shorten his life. How come the guy. doesn't come? Oh, there he is around the. corner again. Oh no. Come on, sit down. Sit down. I don't want you to pass out. [ __ ] [ __ ].

I don't like your shoes. Can I get you. Sketchers? I'm supposed to Oh, you got. to plug it. Spread Sketchers. I would. love to know that deal. How much money. is Sketchers? Keep that kid. You know. how I got the deal? That's got to be so. much. You know how I got the deal. Ag. No, you know how I got the deal. Really? I've told I think I've told this story. before, but I'm going to tell you, but I. don't want to hear it. Okay, tell the story. Is that rude? Yeah. I'm. sorry, Howie. I went to Sketchers. because I like I'm not plugging. This is.

the absolute truth. I like the slip-ins. because I don't like to touch laces. I. don't want to touch the [ __ ] shoes. So, when I'm not doing a show, I go. there and I bought the slip-ins. I walk. up to the counter. This is in Marina del. Rey. You could check all these. These. are facts. I walk up to the counter. The. girl at the cash register says, "Are you. Howie Mandel?" I said, "Yes." She goes, "Oh, you're you're obviously an. ambassador. You get 30% off." I went, "Obviously." And I I. My wife was standing behind me. She.

kicked me. She goes, "You don't [ __ ]. [ __ ] for 30 bucks or whatever I was. getting off." And but then she goes, "Uh, so she gives me I pay for the shoe. She gives me 30% off." And then she. says, "I can't find your name in the. computer." Oh my god. That's what I. said. I went, "Oh my god, I don't know. what the [ __ ] is wrong." But they don't. know. They give it to you anyway, right? What? She goes, "I'll give it to you. anyway. Here's Wait, here's what you got. to do. You got to take the shoes, hold. them up. I'm going to take a picture of. you and send it to the head office.". Whoa. My wife is kicking me. You [ __ ].

idiot. You [ __ ] You're so. embarrassing. And then and then they. take a picture of me, they send it. So, wait a minute. Wait. 30% you write a. riveting story and I'm finished. Okay. There's an ending to this riveting. story. So, they don't [ __ ] end it. Sorry. I'm sorry. They Okay, so they. take the photo, you edit it out with. this, and then what happens? 2 weeks. later, I get a call from my agent that. said Sketchers called and I go, they for. 30 [ __ ] dollars, they're calling. They found me. They tracked me down and. they said they want me to be an.

ambassador and they made me do a. commercial telling this story that I. told. Wow. See, it's not a great. story. I love it. I love it. It feels so. good. What? I love you so much. He. interrupted you with the [ __ ] photo. and then it [ __ ] up the [ __ ] rhythm. of the story. And look, look at his. shirt comedy. Look at his shirt, dude. The jealousy is so gross on you. Who did. you go with? Oh, let me guess. Jason. Baitman, Ryan Reynolds. Who knows?

Howie, that's where he's in line with. Who did you go with? I went with Army. Hammer. You know, I just had him on the Yeah. [ __ ] I know. I was going to make a. [ __ ] joke and you you didn't even let. me get it. I'm so sorry. I'm off to a. comic show. I was going to say 30% off. Did Did they owe you money? I mean, [ __ ] dude. Now it doesn't work. Thanks, man. Yeah, my rhythm's off. I was trying. to see Sketchers. Myth. This is not.

live, guys. You could re-edit this. [ __ ] it up all the time. No post. My. rhythm's off. Was that irony again? Just. for my clarity. Thank you. You got it. So last week I had Army Hammer on and my. daughter who I do I have my daughter I. like your daughter. She's sweet. She. wouldn't do the show. What the [ __ ] are. you doing? She wouldn't do the show. You can't. You can't say she's hot. Well, you can't say she's old. She's 40. Yeah, she's hot for 40. Alex is. handsome. Just Why can I say that? No. You know what, dude? I think what you're.

doing doesn't sit right. Let me say that. with you. She's hot. She's Why are you. Say your daughter again. I'll start it. over. My my daughter who I do my Jacine. love. it so ugly comedy show there it is I. when she talks. that doesn't sit right with me see look. at that piece of [ __ ] no what do you. want then guy say nothing all right say. it again my daughter who I do my podcast. with.

Yeah better go on I don't have it the. timing is ruined no no but but your. daughter. She wouldn't sit in the room. with army. Yeah, right. Oh, she's one of. those. Well, she doesn't want to be bitten. Oh, no. That's what Yeah. bitten. He's. Spanish. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. If he. wasn't like a speech impediment. Yeah. Is that true that he likes to eat. people? Ask Howie. He had him on the. show. He said no.

Yeah. I don't think I don't know. He. said no. He doesn't. Your honor, he said. no. He didn't get charged. I That's That. is true. He's never eaten anybody. Never. eaten a person. I think it' take a lot. to eat somebody. I also think he has. podcasting chops. I've seen clips. I I. like it. Don't say chops. cuz he has he has a bad choice of words. Yeah. Um Wow. Did you give him like. Wait, go ahead. Give him like a fork and. a [ __ ] knife. Like, thanks for coming. on the show. Sit down. Don't get this.

away from the guy. Well, he was a nice. guy. I would imagine that if people, you. know, some people don't watch a whole. podcast. So, if you tune in to that. episode halfway through and you don't. see my daughter, you're going to assume. he hate her, right? That's Well, we'll show clips. without her there with no explanation. and they'll people go, I want him to. hear the show and be like, "Why would he. talk about me like that?". That's your AR army head. I've never. heard a guy. I don't even know how he. sounds. Oh, let me try. How does he. sound? My name is Har. Yeah. See, we did. the same kind of thing. Exactly.

I was on the movie with Johnny where he. plays Indian. Perfect. That's a lone. ranger. Lone ranger, right? Ranger. That's a lone ranger. Choncho. What's. this? Choncho. Choncho. Chanto. I'm off. I'm really off. Choncho. Yeah. I have a. sleep and a lone ranger. Choncho is the. when they had when the Lone Ranger had a. Chinese sidekick. [ __ ] you, man. Making fun of the. Chinese. I don't know what I'm doing. You said Choncho. You're right. I love. you so much. I put the ch into for the. Chinese. Hanto is Native American.

That's the cologne commercial he does. Is that what that is? That's the Lone. Ranger. Oh, that is that movie. What are. you talking about? He does. Doesn't he. do a cologne commercial dresses the. exact same? Johnny Deppage. Sovage. Johnny Depp. Look at like that. Look at. that. Look at Look at Sovage. So, look, he looks the exact same. Never seen. this. What's the difference? Show me the. difference between the two photos. Sage. Sage. You never seen that? And then. Tanto. That's his That's his sketch. Well, you're right. Exactly. You know. what? You know what Johnny Deb looks. like? Go back to the TAT one.

Argus Hamilton in the 70s. Can you imagine a cocaine joke? How his. bedroom? It was a cocaine. Oh, I'm. laughing. Yeah. Yeah, I'm laughing. Can. you imagine him walking into his room. looking like that and saying to his ex, "You're a man of poo poo.". Yeah. Yeah. You know what that is, right? No. His ex-wife. Look at that. photo. What's that Argus Hamilton joke? He goes, "That photo." I didn't like. cocaine. I just like the way it smelled. That was Argus. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. His. ex-wife, Johnny Depp's ex-wife, made a. poo poo in the bed. Have you ever done.

that to a boyfriend's bed? No, but I. sometimes fool myself in the car. [Applause]. Do you remember when I You seen my poo? Yourself in the car? Yeah. Yeah. How. also did the wrong You know, it's Uber, not pooper. He seen my poo. He's seen. your poo. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Who hasn't? With that accent, it sounds like Imagine. that was a sitcom. It's always like a. bad line reading. We'd have to get We'd. have to get that over with. Do do. another one. I mean, you're Yeah. Yeah.

What do you mean? Who had You're like. [ __ ] uh Let's do that again. Let's do. that again. So, you know, uh from the. room. Yeah, that's right. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He Yeah. It was. that kind of line. How did you see the I. will. not exactly what it is. That's exactly. what it is. Why? Was Tommy Was Yeah. Was. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So, um He seen my poo. I've seen it. He saw my He saw my poo. Who hasn't. there? It's a good read. Much better. Yeah. Yeah. Who hasn't seen your poo?

Yeah. Why did you see his poo? He. relapsed in Cancun and he got [ __ ] all. over the walls. Well, talk about missing. Anyway, that's true. That's literally Is that Is. that you and Bobby and Cancun? That. picture right there? No, that's those. two guys now. Yeah. Is that your poop on. the. wall and on your face? By the way, did. this movie bomb? Yes, it did. What a. bummer. He was the man from Uncle also. Oh, yeah. Also, the Winkle Voss Twins.

The Wlvoss twins. Call me by Call Me By. Your Name. Timothy Shalamé. He made that. movie, too. Social network. Yeah. Yes. Such a good movie. I love Timothy. Shalamé. What's the kid's name? What's. Spider-Man? Whatever. [ __ ] call him. Andrew Garfield. Tell them. I love. Andrew Garfield. That kid's phenomenal, too. What the the [ __ ] does that have to. do with anything we're talking about? He. was in He was in Social Network. Yeah. Oh, okay. I named the whole cast. Eduardo. How do you poo in the car? Why. do you poo in the car? I just had. diarrhea and I couldn't hold it. Okay. You never [ __ ] your pants, Howie.

There's no Yeah, there's no way. But. she's always in the car. Yeah, I'm I'm. 70 years old. I've done it many, many. times. I could do it on command. You have a leaky butt now cuz you're. old. Good question. Very good question. Are you serious? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Nope. Okay. It's still tight. Yeah. I got a. tight ass. Hey, Jules. [Laughter]. These are all It's a game. It's like. being on 60 Minutes. What are you What. are you doing?

What are you eating? What are you doing. there? Donut. What is he doing to it? I. have diabetes. If I don't eat this, my. blood sugar. What are you doing to it. before you eat it? He chops it up. He. chops it up. You chop up a donut. Yeah. Yeah. Try the other one. Who eats a. donut with a fork? I've never seen that. People who are friends with John Mayer, but I've never seen somebody eat it with. a fork. I got to be honest with you. Yeah, it's the only way to eat it. These. people use their hands. I mean, you of. all people, you should know. Why touch.

it? So, Andrew, can you teach me how to. do this? Yeah. So, I did a movie with. Billy Armstrong from um Green Day and. we're talking, you know, getting makeup. together, right? And I'm trying to like. get his number, right? But I don't want. to directly, you know what I mean? So I. start like angling, you know what I. mean? Like Yeah. You know, you know, so. Jawbreaker started when you started, you. know, I try to get into like, you know. what I mean? But I can never get it to a. place where I can get his number. I can tell you the hands don't help.

I mean, I wouldn't give you my. [ __ ] Billy, check it out, dude. I. love your [ __ ] dude. That's not good. Don't even Billy. Billy. Billy. No. No. Oh, [ __ ]. Looks like you're doing well. If you're. going to use your hands, you should have. held up fingers. Like hint, if you held. up fingers, like if you just if when. you're talking to him, you just go you. just keep, "Hey, Billy, I love the stuff. you do." Really? And he'll go, "What's. with those numbers?" And you go, "What? Those numbers aren't yours?" And he. goes, "No, my number is." And then you.

get it. No. Really? Let me try that. That's how. I would do it. All right. Hey, Billy. Man, I love your music. Good. Thank you. Well, no. Here, check it out. If I'm. saying something wrong, go stick your. finger up. You got it. Right. Hey, really? No. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Go ahead, Billy. Billy, what's up, man? No. Yeah. What's up? You never say that. I know. I'm not being hobby. Are you sitting. beside him in the makeup? What's up,

player? What's the movie? What? What. were you doing, dog? What's up, bro? Oakland. No. Yeah. Yeah. San Diego. But. he's from Oakland. But you're not. I. know. But I know that he is. So I go, "What's up, Oakland?" No. Huge. All. right. So, you're not Marian. Let's be. real. I'll do it real. Okay. Hey, man. Thanks for putting me in your movie, man. Oh, you're in his movie. Yeah, dude. What movie was it? He wrote a. movie when what? Some of these are for. How did he call you?

But he called you. You don't have He. went to my agent. Oh. And then the agent. goes, "Yeah, Billy wants you in the. movie." So I said, "Yes." So I show up. So I'm like, "What's up, Bill? Thanks. for putting me in your movie, man. You You're welcome. Okay, cool. Anyway, I haven't seen you in like 20 years, dude. And you were you and your wife. were so nice to me back in the day when. we used to hang out. 406 9734. That's how you do it. Yeah, that worked. It worked, didn't it? How. did you get John Myers? I'm going to. need you guys back on set. So, yeah. Yeah. How'd you get John Myers? His.

phone number. Yeah, I know how. Are you. good friends with John Mayer? What is that? Yeah. Gay guys. You just. go on You just go on AGT right there. What was that? How was your experience here, Howie? Did. you have fun? That's a goodbye, isn't it? What's that? You have time this week to come do mine? I'm leaving tomorrow morning. [ __ ]. liar. Howie? Howie? You're He's never. coming back. Let me be your agent here. He's never coming back. Where you going. tomorrow morning? Miami. He is a golf.

thing with John Mayer. Yeah, I actually am going with John. John John is gonna fly me out and I'm. busy too. Will you come on? No. Do you know why? You know why I won't come back on the. show? No. Because I don't do anybody. else's podcast because I already do ours. and mine and that's all I want to He can. test. Me too. Me too. No, that's a lie. You do all the You do [ __ ] all the time. I have I've been slowing down. I look at. me today. I was all over the [ __ ] But. ask these guys. Ask these guys. That's.

true. Do I do other shows? Well, you're. starting a new one right now. No, my. own. Yeah. Yeah. No, but do I do other. people show? But you're not doing you're. getting rid of whiskey. Whiskey. I. probably Whiskey. Whisy's going to be. around for a little bit, but I have to. do the golf show is it's a show. It's a. podcast, but it's a web show. So, why. won't you do mine? I'm going to do one. too then. And I want to do my Star Trek. one. Andrew, you didn't say that. You're. more than welcome. I Dude, honestly, I'd. love to fold this podcast. So, why not. forever? No, no. This thing is done. I. won't do it then. You can do yours. [ __ ] Do everything you want. But.

Andrew, the fans I'm sure the fans would. like that though. But you won't. So, you. won't. But it's two good organizers, you. and Adam. Just two like guys that'll You. said I will in July when when I'm back. tour. What is that? You I said I said, "You want to do the tour?" You said, "I. will soon." Then I said, "Okay, give me. a month or times." And you go, "I will. in July when I'm back from tour." And. then I read, "Are you ready for. podcast?" Hey brother, I shall in a bit. We're playing catchup on our two shows, but I will. It's true. I will. And then.

I come here and say, "So you ready?" You. go. I don't do podcasts. Yeah, sometimes he has to be direct. after a lot of color me wrong. I just. got a DM. It says I don't do podcast. So anyway, tell I got to tell you, all. kidding aside, I love you. I love you. I. think you're really funny. I watch. everything you do. You're also really. both of you really good actors. No, no, no. He's better. Who's a better actor?

You got to uh potty train yourself, young lady, and then you'll be somebody. I'll uh appreciate. Okay. Okay. No, I'm. serious. You got to stop pooping. It's. just sometimes. Yeah, but that there. should be no time. Is it weird that. Howie Mendo sitting next to you or No. No. Okay. She's used to it. You're used. to it, right? Because my assistant, you. know, my assistant Melanie, I know the. first time you called her. Yeah. She. called me freaking the [ __ ] out. Yeah. But this girl, what the [ __ ] Howie. Mandel just called me. Do you not.

remember piece of [ __ ] Do you got. remembered? And do you remember when I. came and did your show and she sat right. beside me? Yeah. And you said, "Do you. know who he is?" And what did she say? No. No. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And I spent. the next 20 minutes explaining deal or. no deal to you. That's right. I remember. that. And at the end of it, she was. like, "No deal.". Howie, can you look in the camera and. go, "U, thank you for being a bad. friend." Thank you for being a bad. friend. I knew the whistle was coming.

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